by Chelle Bliss
Could I deal with a man who had a drinking problem? Someone who went to the bottle and buried his head instead of fighting for what he wanted? I didn’t want that life for myself. My mom had three traits she warned me against constantly: don’t marry a drug addict, a cheater, or a drinker. While I didn’t always want to listen to my mom, and often rebelled against her advice, in the end, she was usually right.
Kayden promised me he would try not to drink so much, but who was I fucking kidding? An addict can’t just stop with a mere promise. His drinking started again, possibly before the wheels of my plane touched the tarmac. He had no chance of staying sober since drinking was the norm among the guys. I saw the bottles lined up on the counter: tequila, vodka, rum, and whiskey. They were the only form of decoration. The temptation too great for him to deny. I had a choice to make.
The Kayden I knew and loved had disappeared.
In his place, there was a man consumed with despair, often missing from my day. Time ticked away. I filled my days as I had before, immersing myself in books and my work. Each day, I prayed for normalcy. It had been established the day he entered my world, invaded it, more accurately, and now there was a hole where he used to be.
Me: Ready to Skype, sweetness?
Kayden: I think I’m dying.
I sighed. The everyday drama exhausted me.
Me: Huh?
Me: You okay?
No response. Fucking asshole. I’m dying aren’t the last words you want to hear from someone before they disappear. My heart sank, and I felt physically ill. Our talks and seeing him online each evening used to be the best part of my day, and now everything had changed.
As much as my life had shifted the day I met him, it had spun on its axis again, and everything seemed to be unraveling. He wrecked me. Not a quick stab to the heart, but a slow dissection with a dull, rusty blade.
I drowned my sorrows in the lives of my favorite fictional characters and tried to lose myself in their blissful lives, but Kayden never strayed from my thoughts. Kayden would emerge when his self-induced coma wore off sometime tomorrow. Mental and physical exhaustion took over and allowed me to dream of the love I was missing.
My phone chirped, and I wanted to ignore him, but I couldn’t. The pull was too strong.
Kayden: Are you mad at me?
He left me hanging, worried and stressed, and I wanted to punch him in the face and I wasn’t a violent person.
Me: More than I can explain right now.
Kayden: I’m sorry.
I knew he meant those words, but my anger drove my words.
Me: You’re always sorry, Kayden, but you aren’t doing anything about it.
Kayden: What do you want me to do?
I clenched my jaw, wanting to scream, but I held it in.
Me: Come up with a plan, something besides getting lost in a bottle.
Kayden: If I don’t get my job back, then I’m coming to you, Sophia.
Didn’t he want to be with me? I didn’t want to be a last resort. My heart fractured a little deeper. My love for this man had eclipsed anything I’d ever felt before for anyone.
Me: You’re going to get it back. I just know it.
Kayden: It’s highly unlikely. I’m fucking losing my mind here, Sophia… I can’t do this anymore.
Me: What?
Kayden: I can’t be without you anymore. I won’t do it. I’m going to lean on you, Sophia. I need your light to pull me out of the darkness.
Me: I want you to lean on me, confide in me, but you’ve leaned on Jack for weeks. I’m afraid I’d be just another crutch. I remember something you said to me once—we all fall sometimes in life, Sophia. It’s more important how we recover.
Kayden: I don’t know how to recover. I’m used to leaning on the bottle. It’s been my only friend at times.
My limit reached, I lashed out at him.
Me: I can’t do this anymore, Kayden. You aren’t thinking of what this is doing to me. When you get yourself straight, come back to me.
Kayden: You’re breaking up with me?
Me: If it gets you clean, then yes.
Kayden: Fuck off, then.
There it was. I was harsh with my words, but I didn’t know what else to say to him. I had tried to be the understanding and loving girlfriend. I tried to be supportive and help keep his spirits hopeful. None of it worked. Maybe he needed to get pissed off at me, scared a bit. He needed to fight for something, anything…for me.
Me: Really? You don’t choose me? Guess that’s that. I’ll fuck off, Kayden. Thanks for showing me what love could be, should be…even if only for a moment. Hope you find peace and happiness someday, just make sure it’s not with Lisa.
Kayden: WTF with Lisa?
I knew the Lisa comment would catch his attention. God, this man brought out the shitty side of me. The one that wanted to fight. That wanted him to fight. No longer was I the meek and mild librarian, I was ready to throw down and cut a bitch for what I thought was worth fighting for.
Me: Whoever you are with in the future. Make sure it’s not her. She made you miserable for too long.
Kayden: I’m completely happy with you, Sophia. I’m just not happy with me.
I’d do anything for this man. I needed him to understand that, to feel it.
Me: It’s no excuse. You’re making sure to push me the fuck away, aren’t you?
Kayden: You’re really breaking up with me?
My words were hollow, but I hoped it caused his heart to stop for a moment. I couldn’t imagine my life without Kayden, his passion and love. Didn’t he just tell me to fuck off? Having a conversation with a drunk was so futile. They spoke without thinking and then had amnesia within a few minutes. Why did I even bother?
Me: You told me to fuck off.
Kayden: I did, and I’m sorry. Can we start the day over? I love you, Sophia. I’ll do better, try harder.
Me: Call me when you wake up and can talk to me, Kayden. I need to hear your voice today.
I placed my phone next to my pillow, wishing for sleep to take me. My eyes flew open with a chirp that I couldn’t ignore. Kayden had sent me a song, and my heart thumped as I hit play. “The Reason” by Hoobastank filled the air. I listened carefully to the words, and they wrapped around me, stealing my breath.
28
Kayden
Landslide
I kept fucking everything up. How did I let my life become ruled by alcohol? The one person I cared about more than anything in the world—Sophia—I had placed on the back burner. I had become selfish and thought only about myself. She was my happiness, and I focused too much on what had gone wrong instead of all the wonderful things that had fallen into my lap unexpectedly. I finally had something to look forward to for the first time in weeks—Sophia had booked a flight.
She would be here tomorrow, and the place was a mess. I was a mess. I needed to clean the apartment and stay sober—I could do it for her. I wouldn’t choose the bottle over her. My phone chimed, and I ran to look at the message.
Sophia: What are you doing, baby?
Me: Starting to clean. This place is a pigsty, and the guys haven’t bothered cleaning up after themselves.
Sophia: Not going to lie in bed and wallow in a bottle today?
Ouch. Fuck. I deserved that. She had no reason to believe in me anymore. I would have to earn her trust again.
Me: No, Soph. I’m staying sober. Done drinking. It hasn’t solved any of my problems, just seemed to cause more. I need to start coming up with a plan for my future—our future.
Sophia: That’s a good attitude. Hopefully, they aren’t empty words.
I meant every word. I needed a plan, but somehow the bottle always called me, filled with false promises.
Me: I know you don’t believe me, but I’ll prove it to you. Just don’t give up on me. Don’t leave me.
I spent all day scrubbing floors, vacuuming, and cleaning the bathrooms. I went to the grocery store and purchased all her favorites. I dum
ped out the bottles of liquor I had in my bedroom and moved Tom’s bottles into his room. I couldn’t stare at his bottles and have the temptation in plain view.
Sophia: I’ve missed you.
Me: I’ve been here all along.
Sophia: You haven’t been the man I fell in love with. You’ve been noticeably absent in my life.
Me: I’m back, Sophia. I can’t even explain how happy I am that you’ll be here tomorrow. You’re the most important thing in my life.
She was everything to me. She made me feel whole. I had been acting like a fucking fool and a selfish prick. I’d be devastated without her. A job was just that—a job. I could find another job or line of work. As long as I had Sophia by my side, I could do anything. I wanted to be worthy of her love.
I didn’t think Sophia had any experience with an alcoholic. She couldn’t understand what my body was battling.
I’d been going through withdrawals all day, and I prayed they stopped before she arrived. I looked like shit and felt even worse. My body shook uncontrollably. I knew a drink would take the edge off, but I couldn’t take the chance of falling down the rabbit hole.
I needed to deal with the effects of withdrawal naturally and not with a Bloody Mary.
29
Sophia
Good-bye Nola
I needed to touch him—remind him of what he had to fight for. We were made for each other and brought together at this moment in time for a reason. I needed his passion, and Kayden needed a constant. Our experiences molded us into people who fit perfectly together. He couldn’t throw that away, and I sure as hell wasn’t going to allow him to do it either.
My heart raced, almost bursting out of my chest, as I walked through the airport. Walking out past security, I could see Kayden waiting for me. Leaning against a wall, he looked nervous and a little worn down. He smiled sweetly when he saw me and looked handsome as always in jeans, a T-shirt, and sandals. My pace quickened. I couldn’t wait another second to be wrapped in his arms. I inhaled him and was bombarded with a mix of smells—stale vodka and the man I loved.
I looked up into his beautiful, sad green eyes. “You haven’t been drinking today, have you?” I couldn’t help but ask, scared to get in his truck if he had. I held my breath, waiting for him to answer.
“Not today, baby doll,” he replied. As he squeezed me tighter, I could feel his body shaking.
“You’re shaking, Kayden. Are you all right?”
“I’m great. I’m just so excited and happy to see you,” he said smoothly.
Bullshit. He’d never shaken before. He was no more excited this time than he had been before. I knew the symptoms of withdrawals, his body craving alcohol. He needed it. My heart sank with the knowledge that he had been experiencing physical pain. Was he a full-blown alcoholic—always been an alcoholic—or had the last couple weeks just taken a toll on his body?
We’d never stayed home during our time together. We always found our way to a bar or a club. I guess the signs had been there, but I never made the connection.
He grabbed my bag and held my hand as we walked to his truck. Quiet filled the air during our walk. Would we start this trip the same as we always had before? Our relationship wasn’t merely physical, but we needed it like the air we breathed. He threw my bag in his truck. He turned around, faced me, and drew me into a soul-sucking kiss. I’d missed his commanding kisses, searing touch, and suffocating passion. I needed the reassurance that we were okay—that he was okay.
He turned my body away from his and pushed me against the hood of his truck. I could hear the zipper of his pants moving quickly. Was he really going to fuck me right here in the open? My heart pounded with the fear of being caught. It sounded like thunder filling my ears. Cool air caressed my flesh as he lifted the back of my dress. Placing his hand on my shoulder, he used the leverage to push his hard cock inside me. I rested my hands on the hood, trying to find anything to hold on to. This is the man I knew, the one who was so filled with lust and longing that he couldn’t wait to be buried inside me.
I couldn’t focus on our surroundings. Were there other people nearby? Cameras? My mind raced with thoughts, but the battering of his cock drove all rational thinking from my brain. I was mindless with lust and longing for Kayden. I only cared about the feeling of him inside me and his skin grazing my ass. He held both of my shoulders, rendering me immobile, unrelenting in his pursuit of release.
His breathing quickened and turned erratic as his body shook. “Fuck,” he moaned. He filled me with his warmth as his body became limp against my back.
“Jesus.” I had never been so reckless in my life, and I couldn’t think of another word to express my surprise. He pulled his cock out of me, causing his come to run down my inner thigh. I lay there in shock for a moment before moving. Had I just allowed him to fuck me outside? I loved when Kayden went all caveman, when he took me without asking, ravaged my body, and used me entirely.
Kayden turned my limp body, propping my back against the truck, and kissed me deeply. His kiss conveyed all the emotions he felt in that moment—love, lust, sadness, longing, and comfort. Breaking the kiss, he stared into my eyes. “I love you, Sophia. I’m in love with you, consumed, head over heels. My life would end without you… I need you. Don’t ever leave me, Sophia.”
Lost in his eyes and absorbed in the emotion of the moment, I caressed his face. “I’m yours…always,” I said. “I’ve searched my entire life for you, and I’m not willing to throw you away so easily. Don’t shut me out anymore.”
He rested his forehead against mine with his eyes closed. “I never shut you out. I don’t know how to explain it to you. The darkness that consumes me is caused by you not being here. My work helped keep my mind and body occupied in your absence, but without you to touch and hold…I have nothing. The bottle became my only comfort. It has been a constant in my life.” He paused and swallowed hard before continuing, “I’ve always been discarded or used by women, but I’ve used them for my own pleasure as well. After being hurt so much, I knew I could only rely on myself. My heart hardened, and I became a user. You changed my world, Sophia.”
“I love you, Kayden,” I said, kissing his lips tenderly. “Take me home.”
We spent the weekend enjoying the French Quarter and New Orleans without drinking. I didn’t ask to go to Bourbon Street or anything revolving around liquor. The temptation would be too great for Kayden, and it would be unfair of me to put him in that position. The city had so much more to offer: culture, art, quaint coffee shops, unique stores, and historic sites—plenty to fill a lifetime without staggering into a bar.
I could understand why people lived here. It was old and romantic. The city parks and old churches added life and charm to this old town. The smells and sounds were intoxicating. The city had a history and a story to tell if you bothered to listen. The people were charming and kind, filled with Southern hospitality. We sat on the old church steps, enjoying some coffee, and watched the people move about their day. Kayden and I always talked so freely and openly, but all weekend, an invisible barrier separated us. I needed to hear his story, his secrets. I needed to know before I left. My heart sank at the thought of leaving this man behind. Could I leave him again?
“Kayden, you keep saying you have things to tell me about your past… Can you share them with me? It’s not fair to keep dangling them in front of me and never share the details,” I pleaded.
“I’ve just tried to shelter you from my past. I don’t think you can ever imagine what my life has been like. It’s so much worse than you can imagine,” he said.
I grabbed his hand, enclosing it in mine. “Kayden, I love you for everything you are now, not for what you were. I want to know all of you, what made you into the man you are today, the man who has consumed my every thought and captured my soul.”
He lifted my fingers to his lips, kissing them. “I struggled with drugs in my youth, every kind imaginable. My life consisted of getting my next fix, booze,
and women.” Opening my palm, he nuzzled his face into the warmth of my hand. “My marriage ended because of my drinking. My wife, Danielle, made me so absolutely miserable that drinking was the only thing I looked forward to in my day. I met Lisa shortly after my marriage ended, and she wrapped me up in her world. I already told you how that ended. Fuck, she was a manipulative bitch. After my arrest, I had nowhere to go. Lisa had driven every person I loved out of my life. My mom didn’t want anything to do with me. I was truly alone. I lived in a homeless shelter, and they enrolled me in their alcohol abuse program. I worked in their store in exchange for a roof over my head. It was the single lowest point in my life,” he said.
“I tried hard the last year to be a better man and stay on the straight and narrow. I need to feel a purpose in life, keep myself occupied. My job was my purpose for so long, and then you came into my life. My life was simple before you: work, sleep, eat, and repeat. Sometimes, I’d call someone for a night of lust but no further attachments. You sucked me in and consumed my every thought. Every time I have to say good-bye to you, a small piece of my heart breaks. Without work to keep me busy and with you so far away…I feel lost,” he told me.
I couldn’t leave Kayden behind. I wouldn’t do it. I turned to him and said, “You’re coming home with me tonight, Kayden.”
“I don’t have the money to pay for a ticket.” He shook his head. “I can’t go. I used my savings to pay the balance of my restitution to Lisa, so my name is finally cleared and so is my record.”
“You have a credit for the ticket you had to cancel last month because of the hurricane. We can use that, and I’ll cover the difference. I’m not leaving you here alone,” I said, looking him in the eye.