President Me
Page 27
But I really lose my shit when I call that employee out and they say, “I tried my best.” If you fuck something up and say you tried your best, then you need to be relieved. If you’re trying out for quarterback, take the ball out of the shotgun and drill it into the ass of one of your lineman, and say to your coach, “I did my best,” then guess who isn’t making the team? You throwing the ball up the rectum of one of your interior lineman is not going to earn you a place on the squad. A better answer would be “Sorry, Coach, I’m drunk, the ball slipped out of my hand, it’s covered in vermouth.” That would at least leave room for improvement.
You should never say to a superior, “I did my best,” when you fuck up, because you are then declaring you are a fuckup. Your best is fucking up. If that’s the case I’d hate to see you on a bad day when you were only putting in 50 percent. The answer is not “I did my best,” it’s “I’ll do better.”
So the phrase I’ve drilled into my employees is “Don’t do your best, do my best.”
3. DON’T DO IT FOR NOW,
DO IT FOR LATER.
Every loser I hung out with in high school would live for the day. They had zero foresight. They would have lived by the code “carpe diem” if they didn’t think that had something to do with a fish. If the sun was shining and they could scrape together the money for a six-pack, it was time to head to the reservoir. The ethos was “I could sit here in Mrs. Tawney’s algebra class or I could go to the reservoir, smoke some butts, drink a sixer of Stroh’s, and try to feel some boobies.” So none of those guys were ever destined for college. To them that was just four more years of high school and homework. To my buddies, that was a nonstarter. And what really didn’t start was their lives. They now live in shitty apartments by that reservoir.
Having a good sense of delayed gratification is the best gift you can give your kids. The ability to not eat the M&M in front of you now so you can have two later is very valuable, and hard to come by these days.
The paramount example of this is my new Secretary of Labor. He is a man who understands hard work not paying off now but down the road—Mr. Jimmy Kimmel.
Though I’m not sure he’ll want the gig. It will definitely be a pay cut. And that’s the point. Kimmel is now a millionaire and the new king of late night, but when I met him he was making peanuts as Jimmy the Sports Guy on morning radio here in L.A. You’d think making no money he’d have no motivation. Opposite. He knew that if he was going to make money he’d have to work for free. Jimmy never asked for a raise. He got fired and moved a hundred times before landing in L.A. I would see him at KROQ at three thirty in the morning editing other people’s bits. Not his own, he was pitching in to help other people for the good of the show, because if the show succeeded he’d succeed with it. He never complained, never wanted credit, he just busted his ass. So now who’s up against Letterman and helped bring down Leno, who’s hosted the Emmys, roasted President Obama at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, and is dear, dear friends with Oprah—is it Jimmy the Sports Guy who killed himself every day for pennies without a complaint or is it Michael the Maintenance Man who got fired for insubordination and then sued claiming racism?
Jimmy exemplifies everything I have just told you—he thought long term, was a team player, he never made excuses, when he fucked up he owned it and figured out how to be better next time.
All that and he is quite a tender lover. He’s as hardworking and giving in the bedroom as he was in the workplace.
Perhaps I’ve said too much. It’s time to wrap this up.
CONCLUSION:
THE STATE OF THE
UNION ADDRESS
The following is the full text of President Carolla’s final State of the Union address:
PRESIDENT CAROLLA: Thank you. Please be seated.
(TWENTY-TWO-MINUTE STANDING OVATION EVENTUALLY SUBSIDES)
Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, members of Congress, and my fellow Americans. It is the duty of all presidents to report to Congress yearly on the State of the Union. I stand before you now reporting that the state of our union is stronger than ever. America is back on top again because of me.
(APPLAUSE)
Our children are now going to schools where competition and toughness are encouraged. Schools where a little light bullying is a good thing and not everybody is a winner. And you know who’s not going to those schools? Dads. They’re out working and not getting dragged into every pageant, play, and participation trophy award ceremony.
(APPLAUSE)
Teacher tenure has been eliminated. If you suck, you can be fired. If your school sucks, it will be turned into an outlet mall. Not that that is an issue anymore because my measures, mandates, and decrees have increased the number of intact families, which was the fucking problem in the first place.
(APPLAUSE)
The air travel industry is now one of our most profitable sectors due to my improvements. Airport security is more efficient and the entire flying experience is once again pleasant due to my no-bare-feet and no-service-dogs policy.
(APPLAUSE)
Our roads are safer, cleaner, and faster. Commute times are down on our graffiti-free highways and citizens are able to drive like champions because of my Chickenshit Ticket Reduction Act. And American-made car sales are up due to my automotive innovations.
(APPLAUSE)
If you’re watching this address on your television, then you know the state of our mass media has improved. As a culture we stopped gathering together around the TV to gawk and laugh at losers. We’ve shut off the schadenfreude and turned on our brains again.
(APPLAUSE)
Ads no longer ooze attitude, depict unrealistic racial balance, or encourage couch dwellers to stay fat, lazy, and on the dole. Enrollment at the Wally Thorpe and Dootson Schools of Trucking are through the roof.
(APPLAUSE)
And music has returned to its roots. Gone are the days of sports bars pumping Katy Perry and barbershops blaring Bieber. I made a campaign promise and I’ve kept it—Foghat in every strip club and Sinatra in every steak house.
(APPLAUSE)
Our national parks system continues to be the envy of the world and my dictates to our Department of Agriculture have increased our exports and eliminated the scourges of zucchini and mouth-roof burns from scalding nacho cheese. Obesity rates are down and stew and casserole consumption rates are up.
(APPLAUSE)
The medical establishment has heard my decrees and now hospitals are efficient, friendly, untagged utopias. Medical professionals are just that, professionals, only dispensing vaccines and Big Pharmaceuticals, not holistic hippie bullshit. And my renewed focus on mental health awareness and unwanted pregnancy has drastically reduced crime, dropout, poverty, and drug abuse rates.
(APPLAUSE)
And the state of our planet is better as a result of my tough love with the rest of the world. While the Middle East continues to be a shit-show, it is no longer our mess to clean up. My efficiency mandates and “Fuck Alaska” campaign have gotten us off of foreign oil entirely. Plus female graduation rates are up 39 percent since I banned the hair dryer.
And now that our Israeli allies have taken over Baja, we have a strong trading partner south of our border instead of a piñata full of poverty.
(APPLAUSE)
Our homeland is more secure from both terrorists and holiday joggers. Our drone production is up and our bracelet production is down.
(APPLAUSE)
Our economy is better than ever because our products and services are better than ever—from socks to strip clubs, my mandates have created wealth, warmer feet, and better boners for all of our citizens.
And we finally have a work force worthy of our forefathers. The Occupy Wall Street protests have ended, never to be repeated, and the youths of America are laboring with dedication, long-term thinking, and self-reflection rather than laboring under the delusion that the world owes them something simply for existing.
My gov
ernment stepped in only when necessary and got the fuck out of the way when it wasn’t. I fixed the stuff you couldn’t, but let you take responsibility for your own lives and for the country we all share. It’s amazing how far we’ve come in so short a time. All we needed was a little direction, a few new ideas, a lot of grit, and, every now and again, a swift kick in the ass from President Me. When you stopped looking for the government to solve all your problems, you realized you could solve your own; when you stopped looking in the mirror long enough to realize you share this society with others, things got a hell of a lot better; when you stopped trying to pull others down and to instead pull yourself up, the whole country got pulled up. When I took office there was an America in my head. Now it exists.
Thank you, God bless America and God bless me.
(PRESIDENT CAROLLA HAS A LONG, SELF-SATISFIED SNIFF, DROPS THE MIC, IS CARRIED OUT OF THE CHAMBER ON THE SHOULDERS OF THE VICE PRESIDENT AND THE SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE TO RAUCOUS APPLAUSE AND BEATLEMANIA-ESQUE CRYING. HE IS TAKEN TO AN F-22 RAPTOR PILOTED BY A REANIMATED GENERAL JAMES DOOLITTLE, WHICH FLIES TO MOUNT RUSHMORE FOR THE DEDICATION OF HIS FACE IN ITS RIGHTFUL PLACE ABOVE WASHINGTON, JEFFERSON, LINCOLN, AND ROOSEVELT.)
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ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
I’d like to acknowledge everyone from It Books and HarperCollins—Lynn Grady, Brittany Hamblin, Mandy Kain, Heidi Lewis, Sharyn Rosenblum, Michael Barrs, and Paula Szafranski.
I should also thank Lynette; Sonny; Natalia; my agent, James “Babydoll” Dixon; my lit agent, Dan Strone; and especially my editor, Carrie Thornton, for making me write these acknowledgments when I wanted to leave this page blank and move on with my life. It’s that dedication and attention to detail that made this book great.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
ADAM CAROLLA is the author of the New York Times bestsellers In Fifty Years We’ll All Be Chicks and Not Taco Bell Material, as well as a radio and television host, comedian, and actor. Carolla is well known as the cohost of the syndicated radio and MTV show Loveline and the cocreator and star of The Man Show and Crank Yankers. He currently hosts Catch a Contractor and The Adam Carolla Show, which is the Guinness World Record holder for Most Downloaded Podcast and is available on iTunes and AdamCarolla.com.
Visit www.AuthorTracker.com for exclusive information on your favorite HarperCollins authors.
ALSO BY ADAM CAROLLA
In Fifty Years We’ll All Be Chicks
Not Taco Bell Material
CREDITS
Cover design by Amanda Kain
Cover photographs © by Kwaku Alston
COPYRIGHT
PRESIDENT ME. Copyright © 2014 by Adam Carolla. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins ebooks.
FIRST EDITION
ISBN 978-0-06-232040-7
EPub Edition MAY 2014 ISBN: 9780062320421
14 15 16 17 18 DIX/RRD 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
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