Star Struck

by Jane Lovering

  ‘God. Jack,’ was all I could say when he eventually stepped back. My mouth tasted of oranges from the juice he’d drunk at the bar, and all my nerve endings were standing to attention, waiting for the next move.

  ‘Yay.’ He let out a breath which sounded like he’d been holding it since before we’d gone into that room. ‘Genius. I’m a bit impressed myself.’

  ‘That was …’

  ‘Yes. It was. I think I need to sit down. Well, maybe in a minute. Bloody hell, what possessed me to wear these?’ He moved the pyjama trousers around carefully, re-tying the cord that kept them closed. ‘Better. Right. Look, hate to abandon you after that … little moment, but I really, really need a smoke. I’m going to pop up to my room, grab my pack and then I’ll meet you outside, okay?’

  ‘Okay,’ I half-whispered, running my tongue over my now-pouting lower lip.

  ‘Back in five.’ With a last, hair-raising kiss dropped on the base of my neck and a lazy finger traced over my mouth, he was gone.

  My heart was still thundering so loudly that I couldn’t hear the band playing in the diner, only the other side of the doors, and I found myself touching my lips with a feeling close to disbelief. Jack. Not only sensationally good-looking but a fantastic kisser? My skin felt alive, and the dress was charged with static, giving off little sparks whenever I moved. Wow. I needed to sit down. But I needed to find Felix more.

  I slipped out of the shoes and with them hanging from a finger, and my other hand hitching up the skirts of the dress, I stepped out into the subtle lighting effects of the diner. Continuous scenes from the show were still being projected, but people walked through the beams, causing images to be flashed onto skin, making everyone look chameleon-like and unfamiliar.

  ‘Lissa!’ I spotted the slim figure, wearing a gold spray-on catsuit and crystal tiara, hanging around by the bar. ‘Have you seen Felix?’

  She turned slowly, careful not to spill her drink. ‘Hello, Skye. He’s …’ an emphatic arm stroked the air, ‘somewhere.’

  ‘I really need to talk to him.’ Needed to get things straight with him before I could even think about what had happened … was happening with Jack. I didn’t want Felix to think badly of me, was what it came down to.

  A slender shrug and I sighed. Much as I was growing to quite like Lissa, I just wished that sometimes she’d give me an absolute, definite answer.

  ‘Just out of curiosity – what did you come as?’ I looked at her slender figure, not a misplaced bump or dimple anywhere.

  ‘A diamond ring,’ she enunciated slowly.

  ‘Lovely. Very … sci-fi.’ I looked around the crowd and at last spotted Felix, minus his fur coat, standing in a corner with one arm wrapped around Jared. They were laughing hysterically and I seriously hoped that he wasn’t too drunk because I needed him to concentrate. I walked over to them.

  ‘Fe … we need to go somewhere quiet.’

  Jared laughed louder. ‘Man, I don’t know whether to love you or despise you. Is there anyone here you haven’t had?’

  Felix tipped his chin up, confrontationally. ‘This isn’t like that. But Skye, does it have to be now?’

  Jared touched his shoulder. ‘I’ll see you later, babe.’

  ‘Jared!’ But Jared was melting into the crowd, a few last-minute autograph hunters at his heels. ‘Great. Just great.’ Felix turned on me. ‘This had better be good, darling.’

  ‘It’s not.’ I took his arm and drew him into the relative peace of the gap between the two open doors, through which the night breeze was cooling things down a little. There, holding my high heels in one hand and Felix’s elbow in the other, I told him about the little scene in the office. About his losing out on the prize.

  Felix stood absolutely still. There was no trace of expression on his face, nothing to tell me whether he was devastated or amused by the accusations. No sign that he was on my side either. I finished telling him that Gary hadn’t believed that anyone had fed me the answers but that they had to be seen to be doing the right thing, and waited.

  I didn’t have a long wait. Fe shook his head hard, like a horse that’s been bitten by a fly, then looked at me with dead eyes. ‘You stupid little bitch,’ he said.

  ‘Fe, I didn’t …’

  ‘Didn’t what, lover? Didn’t do it? Oh, maybe not, but you wanted Gethryn Tudor-Morgan, and you’ve been fooling around with Whitaker for anyone to see. If you’d had any sense you’d have stayed clear of the both of them but, no. Skye sees, Skye wants, Skye takes.’

  ‘That’s not fair!’

  ‘But they weren’t playing, were they?’ Felix had both hands bunched by his sides and his words were coming out in short bursts, like verbal punches. ‘They weren’t falling for the poor little girl routine. Maybe they saw right through it, saw the real you underneath this whole “I’m so damaged” act, maybe they saw you for the manipulative, self-obsessed whore that you really are!’

  ‘Hey.’ I looked up and Jack was standing beside us, unlit cigarette between his fingers. ‘It’s a misunderstanding. No need to take it out on Skye, Felix.’ In one smooth move he turned away from Fe, caught me by the elbow and half-dragged me out through the doors, my shoes still hanging from my finger. Once in the open air he lit his cigarette. ‘Why did you tell him? In the middle of all this? Couldn’t it have waited?’

  ‘It had to come from me, Jack. That was only right.’

  There was a noise behind us. Felix was standing a few feet away, hands on hips. His T-shirt was sweat-drenched. His hair had flopped from its spikes across his forehead and his eyes were almost dark in his pale face. He came fast, before either of us knew what he intended; his compact body hit Jack in the midriff, shoulder first, sending Jack skewering down onto the dusty ground, then his fists followed up with a poorly aimed double blow to the face. But Felix was drunk and Jack was fitter and taller. He sliced to his feet underneath Felix, pushing him over until Fe thumped onto his back, lying sprawled and breathless with fists still balled. ‘Don’t,’ Jack said, straightening up. ‘Really. Don’t.’ He retrieved his cigarette and blew the dust off the tip. ‘Bugger. It’s gone out.’

  I looked up and saw a small crowd beginning to gather in the doorway, all staring out into the yard, where Felix lay trying to get his breath back while Jack, looking rumpled, frantically tried to relight his cigarette. I wanted to say something, anything to make this all right again, but I couldn’t think of a bloody thing.

  Lissa rescued us. She arrived at the front of the crowd, looking spectacular and thin and bringing with her two of the burliest security men. ‘Okay, nothing to see, guys.’ She spoke over the speculative rumblings. ‘Just a private matter?’ The question was aimed at Jack, over my head. He did the twisted-mouth thing again and blew smoke high into the air, and she marshalled the security team to push everyone back inside the diner. Just before she followed, she hissed at Jack, ‘Take your bar-brawl somewhere else, Ice, yeah? Go play out the jealous boyfriend performance where no-one can see. I can’t hold this forever.’

  Jack jerked his head at me and I followed as he walked further out into the night, stopping when we got past the circle of lights which described the edge of the car park. Felix came with us at a wary distance. This wasn’t over.

  ‘Okay.’ Jack leaned against the tree under which I’d met Gethryn. ‘What’s this really about?’

  I shook my head. ‘Felix is angry that I hung around with you and Geth. He thinks it’s all my fault that I’ve been disqualified because I … flirted with you both.’

  But Jack wasn’t looking at me. He was looking at Felix, whose head hung forward as though it was too heavy for his neck. The soaked T-shirt had pulled out of shape and twisted around his body and his carefully trendy jeans were caked with dust. He was crying, lumpy tears streaking down his face and rolling onto his chest. I thought back to what Lissa had sai
d, about watching for the real Felix, behind the drugs and the sex-addiction. Was that what I was seeing now – the real man?

  ‘Fe?’

  A slow, uneven headshake and a long, sobbing intake of breath. It didn’t even look like Felix any more, this leaden, hunched figure. His hair had gone flat, and the old Felix would have been frantic, teasing fingers through it to spike it back. This man just stood, unaware.

  ‘Leave him a minute, Skye.’ Jack’s voice was surprisingly gentle, considering that Felix had tried to beat his head in. ‘Let him settle.’

  Felix collapsed forward, landing on his hands and knees then crouching back so that his legs were against his chest and his arms encircled them, pulling himself in. He laid his head on his drawn-up knees and continued to sob, white-knuckled.

  I felt sympathetic tears prick my own eyes and gulped past the clogging in my throat so that I could speak. ‘Is this drugs?’

  Felix spoke then, his voice harsh and torn. ‘No. It’s you.’

  Jack, showing extraordinary courage I thought, crouched beside him. ‘Felix,’ he said softly, ‘losing the quiz prize doesn’t have to be the end of it, you know. I’m writing a part, not huge but pivotal, Seran Vye. I think you’d be perfect for it. I’ll recommend you.’

  ‘You’d do that, just for this?’ I stared at him.

  ‘Hey, it’s still my show. I can do what I like until I hand over.’ A steady look. ‘It’s partly my fault you lost out. I should have known. I should have stayed away from everyone. It was just …’ He lowered his head and hid his expression. ‘So, yeah. Making amends.’ He reached out and rubbed Felix’s back gently. ‘But this, this is more.’

  Fe looked up then. ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘It’s more. It’s fucking everything.’ Jack waited. A few seconds passed and Felix reached out. Grabbed Jack’s hand and held it. ‘I’m falling apart.’

  ‘You’ve been holding it together too long. Let us in, Felix. It’ll help.’

  Their joined hands were white with pressure from Felix’s fingers. ‘Fe.’ I bent down too, letting the dress sweep the dust. ‘If it’s me, if it’s something I did, I’m sorry.’

  A muffled laugh. Felix had his mouth pressed against his knees now, as if he was afraid words would leak out without his permission. ‘You! It’s all been about you, hasn’t it?’

  Jack moved until he was hugging Felix, arms around the huddled body. ‘Felix, you have to tell us. You’re going to break down completely if you try to keep everything inside.’

  Fe half-raised his head. ‘How do you know all this shit?’ Then he slumped again, resting his face against Jack’s chest. ‘It hurts.’

  ‘Then talk.’

  A huge breath, like an inverted sigh. ‘I know what caused the accident. I’ve always known. And Skye … I’m never sure how much she’s really forgotten and how much she’s pretending.’ He spoke into Jack’s shirt, one hand still gripping Jack’s, the other wound into the fabric like a child holding his mother’s skirts. ‘She can’t face it, y’ see. Her life … that perfect life that she thinks she was living … a total fucking sham. All of it.’

  Suddenly I could taste blood. ‘Felix?’

  ‘Hey, easy.’ Jack spoke as though Fe was a nervous animal. He carried on rubbing Fe’s back, small circular motions like a mother trying to bring up her baby’s wind. It smeared the dust and sweat into streaking mud but Felix was beyond caring.

  He looked at me. There was nothing cherubic about his face now; in fact it was almost demonic. ‘You don’t get it, do you? It was never real, you and Mike. You weren’t engaged at all, it was just a story you told people. Oh, you told lots of stories, Skye, how you “only just” missed out on being cast in Being Human, you were offered Mamma Mia but had to turn it down, you were on the shortlist to be the new Doctor Who companion … all stories. All fucking fake. All to make you look better. Mike and Faith were dating, Skye. Seeing each other behind your back.’

  Suddenly it was as though Jack didn’t exist. All I could see was Felix, head up, defiant. ‘How long?’ I whispered. ‘How long had they …?’

  ‘All the fucking time.’ Felix’s voice was so cold the air almost vaporised around the words. ‘All the fucking time, Skye. And you know what? They had a good time. Not that destructive, screaming thing you had going on with him.’

  ‘Then why …?’

  Even as I said it, I felt the huge plummeting in my stomach. Like my internal organs were in a lift with a snapped cable, like freefall. And a new understanding slammed me between the eyes, like a cashmere-wrapped anvil; the force nearly knocked me to the floor. All those little whispers, that nasty, snidey voice in the back of my head, telling me how worthless I was all the time … I’d thought it was my subconscious. But they’d been memories … memories of Michael …

  ‘Now let me think …’ Fe was still in my face. ‘You dated him. He took you out, gave you a good time and suddenly – WHAM – you’re in love. You wouldn’t leave him alone, you stalked him, turned up at his flat all suspenders and high heels … he had to date Faith without you knowing because we were all afraid of what you might do. To him, to them, to yourself.’ Felix raked his eyes up and down me. ‘You were mental, Skye. Really mental.’

  ‘Easy.’ Jack repeated. He’d stopped rubbing Felix’s back now, but was still holding his hand.

  Felix raised an eyebrow over a glacial stare. ‘I reckon you don’t want to know the truth about your girlfriend’s past life.’

  ‘We all have things to hide.’ Jack was even, but cool.

  ‘Mike was … he kind of liked it. He’d lead her on, pretend they still had a relationship, that Skye could save it if she tried hard enough.’ Felix shook his head. ‘But the night of the accident …’ Now he looked at me directly. ‘You caught them. Found them snogging in the bathroom at the party. I’m not surprised you don’t remember, even I tried to wipe that little image out of my head. We thought we’d have to call the police. But you passed out.’ He looked up at Jack now. ‘I put her in the back of the car, but on the way home she came round. Saw them sitting there in the front, with Faith’s hand on Mike’s cock.’ Felix gave me a look that nearly seared the flesh from my skeleton, a look so deep with cold that mammoths could have walked on it. ‘What did you think would happen, Skye?’

  ‘I didn’t know,’ I whispered. ‘I didn’t know.’ My skin was chilled but inside I felt a huge fire flame up. ‘I caused the accident?’

  ‘You tried to climb through. Just undid your seatbelt and started trying to get at Mike, going for him with your nails, all flailing and screaming … grabbing at the wheel … I got hold of you, tried to drag you off but then you went for my face … kicked Mike in the head. Your whole life was a fake, Skye. Even your grief is fake. You weren’t Mike’s real girlfriend, and you killed my sister.’

  ‘So all this … you used me to win you that part?’ Shock had made my voice shake a little. Jack looked at me and his eyes were huge.

  ‘I didn’t know what to do.’ Felix hid his face again and all the anger seemed to have drained away. ‘I liked you. Yeah, you were batshit crazy but you … you were always nice to me, you know? Before. And I’d got no-one. My parents, oh, they love me all right but all they really want is Faith back, they can’t see me any more. They used to be interested, involved, wanting to know how the auditions went, how my life was going … and now …’ He held up empty hands. ‘I’ve lost them too, you know? And you were all I had. So I … And then, last year, at the convention they had the quiz. And I got to thinking … maybe, if they held it again you would … I need that part, Skye. I’ve got nothing else.’

  ‘Skye,’ Jack’s voice was calm. ‘Take it easy. You’re shaking. And Felix, you need to calm down. Let’s go back to the diner, then I reckon you ought to head to bed.’ Those super-nova eyes met mine, crawled inside my head. ‘You’d better come, too. We need to talk.�
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  ‘I don’t know what to say to you.’

  He got to his feet, pulling a reluctant Felix along with him, hands still joined. ‘Fuck, you smell good.’ Fe’s voice was stronger; he’d managed to work in a little bit of the old Felix’s flirty tone. ‘But I don’t know about these clothes.’

  ‘I’m a writer. I don’t have to look good.’ With barely a glance at me, Jack began helping Felix across the sand towards the lights of the motel and the noisy flickering that was the ball in full swing.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Skye’s face had gone beyond pale and into moonstruck. Jack kept his eyes forward, concentrating on Felix, whose body was shuddering with something like repressed sobs. ‘Take it easy,’ he muttered, but for a million pounds he couldn’t have told anyone which one of them he was saying it to, or was it to himself?

  Her face. Her pain. Oh God, her pain. He could see it, feel it and his arms ached with something like the desire to touch her. Was it only minutes ago that he’d kissed her? He felt so much older now, millennia settling in his bones, the weight of experience dragging at his feet as the new implications pulled at the edges of Skye’s mouth and made her expression stretch.

  ‘I killed them,’ he heard her whisper above the scratch and scrape of sand. ‘I killed them. It was me.’

  She stumbled and it was all he could do not to drop Felix there on the dirt and catch her, wrap his arms around those frail shoulders and pull her close. Whisper into her hair that the agony would pass. It would never leave her, but it would pass, and life would take on a new sharpness as she realised she was living it not just for herself but for Faith and Michael as well. But Felix leaned in more heavily and he had to let Skye find her own feet, balance herself.

  ‘Take it easy,’ he murmured again, for her this time. Was this why he felt the way he did? Had he seen it coming all this time?