Paradise Road

by C. J. Duggan

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  ‘Lexie? Is everything okay?’ Cassie called out to me. I had stormed down the stairs and past the bar with heavy-footed steps as I untied the back of my apron in one fluid motion and threw it on the bar. It was obviously hugely entertaining to see a girl storm through a crowd with steely determination because even over the loud thuds of music, as Australian Crawl’s ‘Boys Light Up’ blared out of the jukebox, I could hear the cat calls and ‘yeah baby!’ heckling as I pushed through the drunken hordes towards the Snake Pit door.

  I was beyond pissed, beyond enraged as everything over the past months came crashing back – all the silence, all the uncertainty of Ballantine leaving without even giving me the chance to explain and now he was back, laughing it up with his mates and Lucy Fucking Fell of all people, knowing how cruel she had been to me. If he didn’t want to be with me then so be it, he just needed to insert a fucking sensitivity chip.

  I burst through the door of the pool room. The dank, dark room was well and truly like a snake pit. I was backlit by the stream of light that flooded into the room, standing on the landing like a nightmare, staring in the direction of the Kirkland Boys. It had been a handy heads-up, thanks to Dean’s security monitors. I saw Ballantine. His back was to me and he no longer had his arm around Lucy, but that didn’t matter, I had seen enough in a ten-second flash for it to haunt me for years. Lucy was laughing it up on the couch with a couple of Year Twelves from last year, flicking her hair and blending in in a way I never could. Boppo saw me first, his attention snapping Woolly’s head around, raising his brows in surprise before elbowing Ballantine, who turned, smiling, his eyes searching then locking on me, his smile slowly falling away, his eyes widening with disbelief as he turned fully and straightened.

  My stony facade remained. Maybe I had learned a thing or two about working and hanging with Dean, but as I descended the stairs and moved to weave a determined line around the pool tables towards my captive audience, Ballantine shifted, moving forward, looking me over like he had seen a ghost.

  ‘Lexie?’

  I came to a stop right before him, close enough so when he looked into my eyes, he would make no mistake in comprehending my meaning. He reached out to touch my arm.

  ‘Jesus, Lex, I can’t believe –’

  I dragged my arm away. ‘Don’t. Don’t you bloody dare, Luke Ballantine.’

  Everyone in the Snake Pit had turned their focus to us, the action in the room centred purely on me and Ballantine. This was not how I’d expected our reunion to be. I had visions of eyes locking from across a room, yes, but not like this, never like this.

  Luke smiled and it was as I had always remembered, warm and completely disarming. I dug my nails into the palms of my hands to focus on something other than the familiarity of that smile.

  ‘This is where we had our first date, remember?’ His dark brown eyes never left mine, never faltered.

  ‘Not one word, Ballantine. Not. One. Word.’

  He sighed. ‘Lex –’

  ‘You didn’t have the guts to say goodbye. You just believed what you wanted to believe, but I’m here to say that you were wrong. I would have waited for you, I would have waited for you forever.’

  Ballantine’s mood shifted, as the full weight of my words settled and gained traction in his mind. He was no longer the cock-sure, charming surfer, he seemed at a loss, searching desperately for the right thing to say, but the truth was, there was nothing he could say, nothing that he could tell me now that would wipe away or change the past. I don’t know what I was waiting for, standing in front of him, hoping that by some magical force he would come out with the most profound speech, some completely acceptable explanation that would obliterate all the hurt inside of me. I squared my shoulders, preparing myself for the words that were to come, and just as he was about to speak, another voice interjected.

  ‘Oh, for Christ’s sake,’ Lucy groaned, standing up from the couch. ‘Take a fucking hint, he is not interested in you.’

  I glared at her, a rage building inside me. I swear there were laser beams hitting her right between her eyes.

  ‘Lucy, back off.’ Ballantine cut her a dark look.

  ‘What? Ballantine, she’s fucking around with your brother, living with him, working for him. Who is she to act all high and mighty?’

  ‘ENOUGH!’ he shouted at her, so loud I swear she yelped. She was stunned, her eyes wide and shocked before they narrowed into something sinister.

  ‘Pfft, what a joke.’

  ‘You’re the fucking joke,’ came a voice, a voice I would recognise anywhere as my attention snapped to the corner of the room to where Amanda sat, her arms linked around Boon’s neck. I hadn’t even seen her before now. She slid off Boon’s lap, moving to stand before Lucy. Amanda was taller and more athletic than Lucy’s petite frame, and when Amanda threw daggers, she intimidated like no other.

  ‘All your life you have been a dumb, rich bitch with a bad attitude. Now shut the fuck up.’

  Lucy glowered at Amanda. ‘Oh yeah, and what does that make you?’

  ‘A smart, rich bitch with a bad attitude who has woken up to you.’ Amanda stepped forward. ‘You so much as even curve your stupid over-plucked eyebrow at my cousin again, you will be dealing with me. Got it?’

  Lucy smirked, putting on a front of being anything but intimidated as she looked Amanda up and down like a piece of scum, until Boon stood up.

  ‘And you’ll be dealing with me,’ Boon said, staring her down.

  Boppo saluted. ‘Me too.’

  Woolly added, ‘Me three.’

  Lucy didn’t seem so sure now, her gaze shifting from one Kirkland Boy to the next, before landing on Ballantine, who simply shook his head, which was all that was needed for the tears of fury to build in her eyes.

  Ballantine turned back to me. ‘Look, is there some place we can talk in private?’

  I didn’t know if I wanted to talk, now or ever. In my mind there was nothing to say, but as my eyes landed on Lucy Fell, I did have a definite feeling of how much it would piss her off if I left with Ballantine right now.

  I tore my eyes from her and looked at Ballantine. ‘Okay,’ I said. I turned to lead the way out of the Snake Pit, relieved that there would be no more of a show, thinking I had made a big enough spectacle of myself as it was.

  ‘You fucking bitch!’ came from behind me, just before a full pot of beer landed across my back, drenching me in the ice-cold, frothy amber. I held my arms out, frozen in shock, my mouth agape as I turned to see Ballantine standing to my side, wearing part of the drink himself. We both turned in confusion to see Lucy standing in the middle of the room, glaring at me, and with a split-second decision … all hell broke loose.

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  I had never been in a physical fight before. Never ever been involved, let alone instigated a bar room, or in this case, a pool room brawl. But as I took in the cocky smirk and infuriating curve to Lucy’s brow after she hurled the drink at me, a Hulk-like rage spread through me like fire; it would be the last drink she would spill on me, ever. In a flash, it had gone from The Bold and the Beautiful dramatics between me and Ballantine to an episode of Jerry Springer as I lunged at an unsuspecting Lucy and wrestled her to the sticky floor of the pool room.

  The Snake Pit erupted, the crowd milling around us as if they were watching two gladiators fight to the death, which in all honesty wasn’t too far from the truth.

  Fight, fight, fight, fight chanted the masses. It was like we were in a schoolyard.

  I had gained pole position, overpowering Lucy, pinning her on the ground, just before I felt a steel-like grip around my waist, scooping me up as if I weighed nothing. Ballantine lifted me away, my arms flailing and my legs airborne as I kicked.

  ‘Let me go!’ I screamed, my arms imprisoned at my sides. Ballantine chuckled next to my ear.

  ‘Not bloody likely.’ He carried me to the back door, Amanda and Boon scrabbling to open it and escape into th
e night as pandemonium continued to break out behind us.

  ‘Quick, go-go-go.’ Boon held the door open for us as Amanda helped Ballantine drag me up the steps and dump me in the back alleyway. I fell inelegantly on all fours, fighting to catch my breath as the adrenalin worked to pump my heart so fast I thought it might stop.

  ‘What the hell just happened?’ said Boon, breathless.

  ‘What just happened,’ Amanda said, moving to offer me her hand, ‘is Lexie just kicked serious arse.’ She laughed as she pulled me to my feet.

  I had aimed to be an arse kicker, but not in the literal sense. Ballantine shook his head at me like he was barely believing what he was seeing before him. It was exactly the response I wanted. I wanted people to start seeing me as anything but Lexie, mousey farm girl from Red Hole. And it had felt pretty amazing until the adrenalin wore off and reality sunk in. The door to the basement flew open, causing us all to turn to see Cassie skipping every second step into the alley.

  ‘Lexie, what the hell?’ she screamed. She stood before me, her voice shaking. ‘I trusted you, and what do you do the minute I turn my back?’

  ‘Cassie, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to –’

  ‘Just don’t,’ she said, holding up her hands and stepping away. ‘I am so fired. I hope you’re happy,’ she said, turning away and heading back inside.

  When the basement door swung to a close, muffling the loud beat of the music and voices inside, the full weight of the situation dawned on me. Tonight I’d tried so hard to be responsible, and I had completely blown it.

  I’d never felt like such a failure as I did now. I had let my emotions override my own wants, and this better person I was trying to build myself into, she was nowhere to be seen. Instead, in her place was some brawling, painted-up tramp. This wasn’t me. But worse than that, I didn’t even know who I was anymore.

  ‘Hey, don’t worry about Cassie, Lex, she’ll get over it,’ Boon said, trying to make me feel better.

  I breathed out a laugh, taking in my drenched, dirty attire, the tear in my singlet top. ‘She shouldn’t have to get over it.’

  An awkward silence fell over us until Amanda, who was about as subtle as a sledgehammer, elbowed Boon, motioning for them to leave with a nod of her head.

  ‘Well, in light of tonight’s events, I think I’ll be crashing at your place tonight,’ said Amanda.

  A devious glint lit Boon’s eyes as he looked at Amanda in the way he always had done – with complete adoration. ‘Sounds good to me.’

  Amanda turned to me. ‘You okay?’

  ‘Sure,’ I lied. ‘And thanks.’

  Amanda grinned. ‘Anytime. No-one makes my cousin’s life a misery but me.’ She elbowed Boon. ‘Let’s go.’

  Amanda and Boon saluted their goodbyes and made their way out of the back alley, disappearing around the corner, leaving me alone with a very silent Ballantine.

  ‘Hey.’ Ballantine touched my elbow, but I shied away.

  ‘Don’t.’

  Ballantine breathed out, as if praying for patience. ‘Lexie, come on, talk to me.’

  ‘Oh, what, so now you want to talk?’

  Ballantine just stood there, looking at me as if an inner turmoil raged in his mind about whether to comfort me or not. Instead he surprised me by breathing out a laugh. A fucking laugh?

  He shook his head, kicking at the ground. ‘I’m not doing this, Lexie – not tonight, not any night.’

  I scoffed. ‘Well, run away then, it’s what you’re good at.’

  Ballantine’s eyes blazed.

  ‘Did you even think about me when I left?’

  Ballantine stepped forward, not touching me or looking me in the eyes. ‘Of course I did.’

  My heart was beating out of control. Despite all my reservations I still wanted to close the space between us, to forget about everything in between, but there was something that we weren’t talking about, the same thing that would come up time and time again if we didn’t talk about it now.

  Dean.

  I lifted my eyes to where the moon cast rays over the fire escape into an eerie glow against the back of the building.

  Ballantine followed my eyeline. ‘Home sweet home,’ he said unenthusiastically, glancing up at the murky building painted in graffiti.

  I shrugged. ‘I work here, I have my own little room. It’s okay.’

  Ballantine reached out to grab my hand. I turned, seeing his weak smile as he laced his fingers with mine. ‘Come away with me, Lex.’

  ‘W– what?’

  ‘We’ll leave Paradise behind, just you and me,’ he said, each word a promise.

  I blinked, my gaze fixed on the fire escape. No-one was standing there, but a sense of unease swept over me, knowing how the back alley had eyes, and the things that people did here. I remembered the two strangers.

  ‘We’ll find our own paradise,’ he said, as I felt his hand squeeze mine.

  ‘Leave Paradise?’ I repeated, trying to gather my thoughts.

  Ballantine looked down at me as if the question was obvious. ‘For the tour,’ he said. ‘I got sponsored, Lex.’ He said it as if it was good news, and I guess it was, just not for us.

  My mouth gaped, looking up at him like he was a stranger.

  He shrugged. ‘We don’t leave until the end of the month.’

  ‘The end of the month?’ I placed my hands on his chest, pushing space between us. ‘And then what? When were you going to tell me this?’

  ‘I’m telling you now.’ Ballantine shifted back a little. ‘Lex, come with me, we can travel around from beach to beach, see the world.’

  ‘You know what I had to do just to get as far as Paradise?’

  ‘We can work it out.’

  ‘I have school, I can’t just leave …’

  ‘Lex, come on, we don’t have to have all the answers tonight. We have time.’ Ballantine lifted my chin to look at him.

  I shook my head. ‘You can’t not talk to me for weeks and weeks and then come into my life and expect me to leave it all behind,’ I said, the tears forming in my eyes. ‘You broke my heart.’

  Ballantine’s eyes were filled with sadness, his touch burnt against my skin. ‘From here on in, Lex, nothing else matters, it’s just you and me.’

  Apart from the words of apology for abandoning me, us, those were the words I had so desperately wanted to hear. For all the times I cried myself to sleep, or wondered if I might see him today or tomorrow, if he would walk into my life again, and here he was, right here, and he was telling me he was mine.

  Nothing else matters.

  But something else did matter, and I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. As much as I longed to be in Ballantine’s arms again, things had changed. I had changed.

  I looked into the softness in his eyes, noticing the way his fingers gently glided through my hair … All I had gained tonight, all the familiarity I had felt in these past moments together were all for nothing. I looked Ballantine straight in the eyes, my chin trembling, as I took in a deep breath for courage.

  ‘I’m so confused.’

  Ballantine’s eyes searched my face, his smile slowly disappearing as my words sunk in. He lowered his hand from my cheek. A coldness swept over him.

  ‘It’s an easy answer, Lex. Yes or no?’

  ‘It’s not that easy,’ I snapped.

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Yes, really!’

  We stared at each other for a long moment, tension building between us.

  I looked him straight in the eyes. ‘You answer me this then. What is this?’

  ‘What is what?’

  ‘This, here, now, you and me. Is it just some kind of quick hook-up in the night, some quick little fling? Tell me.’

  Ballantine sighed as he pulled away. ‘Jesus, Lexie, does it matter what I say? You seem determined to twist everything that comes out of my mouth.’

  When I had no words for him, couldn’t even bring myself to look his way, Ballantine sighed. ‘When you work o
ut what it is you want, Lexie, let me know.’ And without another word, Ballantine backed away, disappearing into the darkness, leaving me with my overwrought thoughts.

  I wrapped my arms around myself as if warding off a chill in the night, but it wasn’t cold, far from it. My flushed cheeks were streaked with hot tears. A part of me thought I should have just shut my mouth and moved on to rebuild what we had, keeping the past in the past – how different things would have turned out. But now, in my bid to be honest and start with a clean slate, I stood alone in a grotty alleyway. I made my way up the back fire escape, stepping my way up the stairs like a zombie. I felt numb, mentally exhausted, as I yanked open the dodgy back door.

  Standing in the middle of my room, in the dark, the only sound that was audible aside from the thumping of the music downstairs was my rapid breathing – the heavy rise and fall of my shuddery breath. The equilibrium I had so desperately tried to maintain was quickly falling apart. My breaths turned to sobs and I clasped my hands over my mouth as I totally collapsed – the tears streaming down my face as the image of attacking Lucy ran over in my head again and again. Any confidence, any progress I had made since returning had been completely obliterated in one single moment. The thought of what had happened in the pool room made me feel ill. I had let down Cassie, lied to Dean, and let Lucy get under my skin. I was flooded with shame. All I wanted was to be far away, back in Red Hill where I didn’t have to see any of these people again. I had been right the last time I left. Paradise was a fucking lie. I had left with a broken heart and, as if that wasn’t enough, I had come back and watched it shatter all over again.

  I crumpled to the floor, my back pressed up against the edge of the bed, my forehead against my tucked-up knees. I cried so deeply, until I was physically unable to anymore. I was completely and utterly spent of all thought, all feeling. My bloodshot eyes simply stared, stared until the tears welled again, blurring my vision and wetting my cheeks. I had never wanted to admit it before, but now I had to. Because as far as pain went, I couldn’t feel any more than I did right now, in the dark, on the floor in my room.