by Robin Gianna
“A leopard seal bit him. Bad. I’ve never seen anything like it.”
“Where were you and Bob when it happened?” He tried to suck in air. “And Jordan?”
“Right next to him. One second Ronald was sitting on the ice shelf, about to dive, and the next, the seal had lunged out of the water to grab him. Knocked Jordan over, too, but she’s okay. Bob and Jordan grabbed scuba tanks and slammed them down onto the seal, and it finally let Ron go. But he’s lost a lot of blood. I’m...scared.”
His heart hammered in his chest. Poor Ron. God, he hoped he’d be okay. And Jordan had been right there next to him? Knocked down by the deadliest creature in these oceans? Knowing it could easily have been her the seal grabbed and nearly killed made it hard to breathe.
He burst through the hospital doors and saw Bob and Maggie both sitting in chairs, looking pale and worried. “Maggie told me it’s bad. I’m going in to see if Jordan could use a hand.”
“That would be good. Megan is assisting her, but the tears in his leg...so many.” He could see Bob working to sound calm. “It was unbelievable. Not sure I can ever tender for anyone again.”
“What we do down here always carries risk. We just have to do what we can to reduce it.”
Easy to say. To know and accept. But not when it came to someone who was diving for fun. Jordan probably never should have been there to begin with, since diving wasn’t part of her work here, other than the trial, and other divers were participating in that, anyway. But when she did go? He hadn’t gone with her, to make sure she stayed safe. Had opted to leave her on her own, and what did that make him?
The same man he’d always been. A man who hadn’t been there when they’d needed him most.
The weight of that failure hung in his chest as he quickly scrubbed, then went into the small operating room. He stared at the blood spattering the floor, the gurney, the front of Jordan’s gown and her gloved hands as she leaned in, stitching closed the ragged wounds on Ronald’s leg. Megan stood by, assisting.
“Jordan.” He could barely get her name out, and tried again. “I’m here to help.” He recognized the irony of his words. Showing up to help when the worst was over didn’t say much for him, did it?
“Zeke.” She glanced up, and the relieved smile she sent him was one he knew he didn’t deserve. “Why don’t you work on the cuts at the back of his calf while I finish these on the front. It’s been hard to control the bleeding, and the sooner the gashes are closed, the better.”
Silently, they worked together until all the wounds were stitched and wrapped. Jordan checked Ronald’s vitals and nodded. “Good. He’s stable. I gave him antibiotics when he first came in, and we’ll need to follow with another dose in a few hours. Here are the rest of the instructions, Megan, and I’ll be back to check his vitals again in a little while, if you can keep an eye on him until then.”
“Got it,” Megan said.
Jordan moved to the small scrub room and he followed. Both of them took off their bloody gowns. The second hers was off she stepped to him, wrapping her arms around him and leaning her head against his chest. He held her close, and the adrenaline of getting the wounds closed as fast as possible seeped away, leaving him feeling shaken, both physically and emotionally.
“That was...so terrifying,” Jordan said, her voice muffled in his chest. “I can’t even describe it.”
“What exactly happened?”
“Ron was sitting on the side of the dive hole, ready to go in, when the seal just burst from the water and grabbed him. For a horrifying second, I thought it was going to drag him underwater, but it just shook him, its teeth deep in his leg and ripping...”
He didn’t know what to say. Leopard seals had hovered around threateningly before, and he’d always kept his distance. Never had he come close to one actually attacking him or someone else.
Iciness crept through his veins and he could barely breathe, picturing what Jordan described. Ron could have been dragged underwater. Or bitten on his torso. Or bled to death, and it was a damn good thing Jordan had been there to deal with his wounds, and probably saved his life.
Or it could have been her. Her leg and body. Her blood. Her nearly killed or actually killed.
Ronald had been lucky. She might not have been.
“Where were you?”
“Next to him. Getting ready to go in.” She leaned back and looked up at him, a wobbly smile on her lips. “It’s almost a blur, at the same time it’s so vivid in my mind it’s like watching a movie. Except I was in it.”
He covered her hand with his, and that connection soothed, a tiny bit, the raw chaos burning in his chest at what happened, and what could have happened.
“I’m...sorry you went through this.”
“I so wished you were there,” she whispered. “When he was bleeding so badly and from so many wounds, I was really afraid I couldn’t get it stopped. Knew that you being with me might make all the difference.”
“But I wasn’t there. Wasn’t there for him. Or you. And you handled it fine on your own.”
“We got lucky, I think.” Maybe it was something in his tone, because she tipped her head and looked at him with a question in her eyes. “Is something wrong?”
“Yes. I’m what’s wrong.” He lifted his hand to her face and stroked his thumb across her cheek. Tried to imprint her beautiful face in his memory forever, as the reality of what happened today slammed into him all over again.
“What do you mean?”
“I wasn’t there for Ron today. Not there for you,” he said again. Everything inside him seemed to squeeze until it was hard to breathe. His heart was pounding, he started to sweat, and he worked to shove down the panic attack that threatened to overwhelm him. “I told you I can’t be counted on to be there for anyone. Ever. And I wasn’t.”
“Zeke.” Her brow creased in a perplexed frown. “You can’t be everywhere, all the time. Things happen. Bad things. You did your best for your grandparents, and have to believe that. You would have done your best for Ronald, and for me, too, if you’d been there today.”
“But I wasn’t.” He knew it was a dogged refrain, but she needed to hear him, damn it. “This is why I can’t be close to anyone. Let anyone close to me. I can’t be who you want, and who you deserve. You know that. And I hope you find that person. I truly do.”
“Zeke—”
“Goodbye, Jordan.” He let himself kiss her forehead, one last time. Stared into the beautiful blue of her eyes, a storm of emotion in his chest at the confusion and pain he saw there. But leaving now was for her own good. “You’re going to have an awesome life, I know it. Take care.”
Somehow, he forced himself to turn and go. To walk out the door and not look back, even as he finally admitted to himself that he loved her in a way he’d never loved a woman before.
It was a struggle to put one foot in front of the other, as though his feet were filled with lead, and he wondered if she could hear his heart cracking as the door closed behind him.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
JORDAN SAT ON the floor of the supply room and refilled items in the field bags, which made her think about Zeke. Then she scoffed at herself. Who was she kidding? She’d thought of him way too much in the three weeks since he’d said goodbye, and wondered how long it would take for her to get over him. She knew that was pathetic, and even stupid, because their affair had always had an expiration date.
She just hadn’t expected it to come so soon.
Ezekiel Edwards was a wonderful man in so many ways, and she knew that. It was so clear that he still felt tortured over the way his grandparents had died, and carrying that heavy load still deeply affected who he was today. A man who protected himself from pain by keeping an emotional distance. Refused to let himself get too close to anyone, and yet he felt responsible for everyone. She knew that had to be a difficult way to live, b
ut he’d entrenched himself in that belief so deeply, and for so long, she had a feeling he’d stay there for the rest of his life.
For at least a week after he’d told her goodbye, she’d wanted to find him and rant. To tell him he needed to deal with his past and his guilt so he could move on with his life.
Let himself love someone. Let her love him.
Tears threatened and she heaved in a shuddery sigh. It wasn’t until he’d walked out the door of the hospital that she finally admitted it to herself. She had fallen in love with him. And that love had turned on its head every conviction she’d been so certain about.
She loved him, and loved diving with him and being with him, but that was only part of why she loved this adventure in Antarctica. She loved sliding across the brilliant, frozen landscape on the Ski-Doo. Loved camping in a tent in the icy wilderness. Loved excursions to see the penguin rookeries and the wildlife. And all that love had made her see what her childhood longings had blinded her to.
A safe and steady life with a safe and steady husband and putting down roots in a safe and steady suburb surrounded by a white picket fence wasn’t what she wanted at all. She’d loved the adventures she’d had as a kid with her parents. Exploring the world was a big part of who she was, and Zeke helped her see that’s still who she was. How she wanted to live her life. How she wanted her future children to live their lives.
Problem was, Zeke didn’t want to live it with her. He probably wouldn’t admit it, but he was the one who wanted the safe and steady, at least when it came to his heart. He kept it inside a cage and refused to let it out and give it to her.
She thought about the stricken look on his face the last time she’d seen him. Thought about the pain he’d held in his heart for so long. Maybe she’d been wrong to not find him and rant, after all. Or at least try to talk to him, to tell him how being with him had helped her see what she really wanted for her life. Find out if he’d let her help him see his own life in a different way than he’d been allowing himself to see it.
Was that possible at all? Would he be willing to listen? Or was it just a foolish pipe dream?
* * *
“Jordan.” Tony Bradshaw walked into the supply room and interrupted her deep thoughts. “We have an injured patient in the field. Sounds like something you can handle there, without bringing her back, but you’ll have to determine that when you get there. If you’re willing to go?”
“Of course.” She stood, then her heart skipped as a thought came to mind. “Um, who would go with me?”
“I asked the crew member you did surgery on. Lance.” The medical director smiled. “He’s feeling good now, and since he’s grateful to you for diagnosing him, he said he’d be happy to go.”
It was actually Zeke who’d done the initial diagnosis, and her heart ached all over again, remembering how well they’d worked together. “Glad to hear that. Is he ready to go?”
“He’s packing the snow machine now. Said to meet him in the hangar.”
“I’ll grab my field bags and my coat and stuff, then I’ll be ready. I’ll keep you posted.”
“Thank you. See you when you get back.”
She gathered the field bags and headed to the hangar as memories of Zeke and their field trip clogged her throat. Kissing beneath the aurora australis. Intimately sharing that tent.
That trip was when she’d first started to realize she was falling in love with him, and still she’d told him all about how she’d wanted a safe and steady husband and that picket fence life, because she hadn’t admitted to herself quite yet how she felt about him.
His beautiful dark eyes swam in front of her and she decided that, good outcome or bad, she’d be talking with Ezekiel Edwards as soon as she got back to Fletcher Station.
* * *
Zeke sat at the table in his cabin, holding the letter in his hand that should have him jumping with joy and celebrating.
The grant he’d worked so hard for had been officially offered to him. His goal of working to impact the negative consequences of climate change was ensured for another year. He waited for the feeling of joy to lift his chest, but it didn’t come.
Of course, he knew why. Because he didn’t have Jordan to celebrate with him.
The past weeks had been hell. Across the room in the galley, he’d often see her smiling face and shining hair and hear her laughter as she sat with new friends. Most of the time she ignored him, but on the rare occasions that their eyes met, she looked so serious, so sad, that he usually got up and left the room, hating that he was the reason she felt that way.
He’d never meant for it to happen. Somehow, though, he hadn’t been able to keep his distance from her, never fully understanding why. He’d been powerless to resist the magnetic attraction he’d felt, even knowing she might get hurt.
Actually, he did understand why. He’d fallen in love with her, and how the hell he’d let that happen, he had no clue.
Except he hadn’t had a choice in the matter, had he? Jordan Flynn was the most special woman he’d ever met, and it was too damned bad he couldn’t give her what she wanted and needed. That he wasn’t worthy of the love he’d felt from her, a love that she’d given him without condition or words. It made everything inside him hurt, but she deserved a man who could give all of himself to her. A man who wasn’t missing a part of himself that was gone forever.
A hard rap on his door had him swinging toward it in surprise. Surely it wouldn’t be Jordan, weeks after they’d parted. His heart beating a little harder, he got up and opened the door to see it was Bob.
“What’s up?”
“We have a search and rescue situation. I know that’s something you excel at, and thought you’d want to be involved for a couple reasons.”
Something he excelled at. Nobody but Jordan knew how little that was true.
“A couple reasons?” He grabbed his coat and followed Bob down the hallway to the hangar. “What do you mean?”
“A woman was injured at a nearby station that doesn’t have medical care, and Jordan went with Lance to look at her. Except a sudden storm blew in and they never showed.”
It felt like his heart completely stopped for a long moment before it began hammering against his ribs. “Jordan? Lost in a storm?”
“Apparently. The Ski-Doos are ready to go.”
He ran the rest of the way to the hangar. Threw on his coat, strapped the light to his forehead, shoved his feet into the skis and got going. Twenty-four-hour daylight didn’t mean it was easy to see, not when the snow was coming down hard, and blowing nearly sideways in the wind. He and the others in the rescue team fanned out, and he squinted across the barren, icy landscape, praying he’d see her.
“Jordan! Lance! Where are you?”
Nothing. No answer. No sign. The thirty minutes since he’d started looking felt like hours, terror building in his chest that he wouldn’t find her in time. In this kind of cold, hypothermia could happen fast, even with all the layers everyone wore outdoors. Being stranded meant little body heat being generated, and the thought of Jordan lying unconscious somewhere, dying a slow, frozen death, felt unbearable.
No. He would not let that happen to her. No matter what it took, he would find her and Lance.
Through the swirling snow, he thought he saw a patch of red. His heart pounded hard and his breath came fast as he punched the Ski-Doo into high gear. And then he saw it was Jordan, with Lance lying next to her. For real.
“Jordan!” He leaped off the Ski-Doo and slapped the throttle off before running to her, slipping on the ice before he dropped to his knees in front of her. Lance’s eyes were open and he was conscious, but Jordan’s eyelids were closed, her lashes covered with snow. He could see she was shivering, that her breathing was shallow, and his chest tightened. Classic signs of hypothermia. Then her eyes fluttered open to stare at him.
“Jordan.�
�� He quickly shot a flare into the sky, and lit another to get the attention of the other rescuers, placing it a few feet away before he reached for her hands. He pulled off her gloves to gently rub them, trying to get her circulation going. “Jordan, can you hear me?”
“What...took you so long?”
He nearly wept in relief. “Got here as soon as I could.”
Her gaze moved to the flare, then back to him. “Zeke be nimble, Zeke be quick. Zeke jumped over the candlestick.” The words were slurred, but damned if her blue, frozen lips didn’t curve in a small smile. “See? Sometimes the nursery rhymes make...total sense.”
God, how he loved this woman. Her bravery. Her spunk. Her attitude. He kept rubbing her hands and leaned close to press his cheek to her ice-cold one, trying to warm her that way, too. “Gonna get you on the sled now. We’re getting you and Lance back.”
He quickly checked on Lance again, who was thankfully still conscious. “Hang in there, Lance. I’ll be right back. You’re both going to be okay.”
He lifted Jordan into his arms and prayed with everything in him that was true. As he wrapped her in a thick blanket and secured her onto the sled attached to the snow machine, he heard the roar of the other Ski-Doos as the team spotted the ground flare. He lifted his hand to give them a sign, then pointed at Lance. They pulled up next to Lance and jumped off their Ski-Doos and Zeke took off, knowing they’d get the man the help he needed.
Getting Jordan back as fast as possible was his priority now.
* * *
Zeke paced around the room outside the hospital, frustrated that Tony Bradshaw didn’t want him by Jordan’s side until he felt confident she was responding well to the warming IV and heated oxygen treatment.
“You’re going to wear a hole in that brand-new floor,” Bob said. “Try to relax.”