I Love You to Death

by Natalie Ward

  Mystery guy number one drove trucks around the country and was basically looking for a pit stop every time he dropped by Boston. He seemed very serious about the whole thing although he was open about all the other cities he had women lined up in. I guess that’s something, but he still went straight to the deleted pile. Mystery guy number two had a couple of kids, although he said he was divorced.

  Selena wasn’t anti-kids, but as she said, "It’s not what I’m looking for right now, so yeah it’s mean, but no thanks."

  I was secretly glad about that as I wasn’t quite prepared to share her that much yet either. Mystery guy number three, was in a word, weird. In keeping with his number, he was looking for women to take part in threesomes. He promised discretion and enjoyment with himself and another woman, and asked whether Selena was interested. One look from her and I laughed and hit delete again.

  Then came mystery guy number four. He seemed half decent, at least on paper, a good catch in fact. Early thirties, been out of a long-term relationship four years now, no kids, stable job in Boston and was looking for like-minded woman to have some fun with.

  "What do you think?" I asked her.

  Selena was biting her thumb nail, something she always did when she was nervous. "Ok, I’m being totally shallow here, but what does he look like?"

  I logged on to her account and had a look. Not bad, not bad at all actually. Turning to her and smiling, I asked, "Well?"

  "Why the hell is he single?" she asked me. "If he’s that good, why’s he single?"

  I laughed then, reaching to pull her thumb from her mouth. "The same could be said for you Selena. What do you think, give him a go?"

  I was holding her hands in mine, stopping her from chewing them again. She was twitching in her chair and I knew she was nervous. "Come on, it’ll be fun," I said. "Meet him in a public place, don’t bring him home with you and just see what happens?"

  She was still looking unsure so I said, "Do you want me to come with you?" Knowing it would provoke a reaction from her.

  "NO!" she yelled. "Geez, could I look any more like a child bringing a chaperone on a first date?"

  I was definitely laughing now. "Ok, come on, let’s organise a date for next weekend. I’ll come up and worst case, it sucks, you leave and we hang out for the night. One try, what do you say?"

  Eventually she agreed.

  They went out the very next weekend. She came home that night as promised, but the date was good. Selena was happy. "Thanks Ash," she said. "You were right, I needed that." They’d arranged to meet up again and I was very glad she’d agreed to it all.

  Four weeks later that all changed.

  Four weeks later this guy, Kyle he was calling himself, showed his true colours. No one really understands what happened. Selena had said he was fantastic, that everything was going well. She thought maybe things might be getting serious. I wasn’t coming up on weekends all the time now, just so she could enjoy being with him. I hadn’t met him yet, but from everything she’d told me, I thought he seemed great, really great.

  But then Selena wasn’t seen for four days straight. I remember calling her during that time and not getting an answer, either at home or on her cell. I was trying to organise my next visit, figured she was out with Kyle, having a good time.

  I was really happy for her.

  Unfortunately Selena was lying dead in her apartment. Forty-four stab wounds to her body. A fatal one through her heart which ended her life. For four days she had lain there. Four days until her neighbour noticed and called the super.

  Turns out, Kyle was wanted in several other states. He’d done this before. Seemed to enjoy pretending to be this fantastic guy who lured his victims in through these matchmaking websites. Would often spend months convincing them he was the one and when they finally succumbed, he brutally murdered them like it was some kind of game. Selena was his fourth victim. That they knew of anyway.

  Of course she never would have known him if it wasn’t for me pushing her to try the online dating thing in the first place. Pushing her to go out with him.

  Convincing her to just give him a go.

  ∞

  When I get home tonight I listen to the CD Luke gave me. He’s right, it’s very basic, very rough, but still, it’s all there. You can hear his voice, hear their music, and feel their passion. I turn it up loud and sit in the middle of my living room floor with a beer and just listen to them. It’s not the same as the club, but when I close my eyes, for a second I can almost pretend I’m there, almost.

  All of the songs are theirs and I wonder who writes them. Who comes up with these words and all the sounds that go with them. I wonder how long he’s been playing guitar and singing, because he’s really, really good at it. Listening to it makes me want to see them live. I really want to watch Luke create this in front of me again.

  I leave his CD on repeat when I go to bed and for the first time since Sam died, I’m able to fall asleep without fear. For the first time since Sam died, I don’t have any nightmares at all. For the first time since Sam died, I sleep all the way through the night, waking up the next morning to the sunlight streaming through my window and the sound of Luke’s voice echoing through my apartment. It feels amazing to finally sleep a full night in complete peace and without fear. It’s even more amazing to wake up to the sound of his voice and their music. I lie in bed for a while, just listening as I watch the sunlight dance across my bedroom ceiling. There are no sounds except for Luke and his music and I feel like I could lie here all day listening to it.

  I feel strangely happy again and wonder what I have to do to hang on to this feeling.

  Quintessence, the elusive fifth element that is tuned perfection in music and total destruction in nature

  ∞

  Playlist:

  1. Hurricane – 30 Seconds to Mars

  2. White blank page – Mumford & Sons

  3. Poison & wine – The Civil Wars

  ∞

  Anger and fear can turn you into a different person. They mask what you’re really feeling, and they allow you to destroy something that doesn’t deserve it, something that should be cared for and protected. But being exposed, forces you to raise your defences and in doing so, you quite often lash out at the very thing you should actually be embracing.

  Fighting with someone is like that, and it’s even worse when you fight with someone you care about, someone you love. Because then you know all of each other’s strengths and all of each other’s weaknesses. Then you are fully armed to do the most damage.

  I try to avoid confrontation at all costs. I hate it. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t get angry. Because I’ve also always beared a grudge that time doesn’t make any easier to let go of. I can show my true anger when really provoked. I need to vent, I can’t help it, the mask I wear to hide the rest of me is hard enough, so when the anger builds, it really has nowhere else to go but out.

  And I’m sorry if you’re on the receiving end of it.

  ∞

  Sam and I never really fought when we were together, but on the odd occasion when we did, it was always about the same thing. The same old fight would repeat itself and over and over again, and as usual we got nowhere with the outcome.

  The last time we had that fight, something else happened, although really, it should’ve been so obvious it would eventually. It all started when we went to a work party of his. I didn’t really want to go, mostly because I wasn’t going to know anyone and I hated situations like that. Sam knew that but in the end he talked me into going anyway.

  "Come on, it’ll be fun. I promise they’re not all computer nerds like you think they are."

  I looked at him, a doubtful expression on my face. "You sure about that? You do work for an IT company remember."

  He laughed, pulling me to him to give me a kiss. "Yeah and look at how sexy you think I am!"

  I couldn’t help but laugh too. He was right, he wasn’t your typical computer geek so maybe I was wron
g to assume everyone else would be. Even Nate was cool and he’d been studying the same course.

  So we went and for the first hour or so I did have a good time. But then everyone was drinking and talking about work. Sam was having a great time and they were all doing shots of tequila. I felt left out. I hardly knew any of them and I certainly didn’t know what they were talking about.

  As the night wore on, I was getting more and more drunk, but having less and less fun. Eventually I said to Sam, "Can we go? I’ve had enough."

  Sam was wasted by this stage and could only laugh and say, "No, it’s fun, let’s stay."

  I knew I shouldn’t be pissed at him. Knew he had every right to have fun and stay at the party, I knew it was me being the bitch. But he’d hardly talked to me all night and I really wanted to just go.

  "Sam, I want to go," I tried once more.

  "Geez Ash, come on, just stay, talk to people, have fun," he answered. He was really drunk now as I pulled him into the kitchen with me.

  "Sam, I don’t know these people. You’re hardly talking to me and I just want to go ok, please?"

  "Well Ash, I want to stay, for once, I want to stay and have some fun."

  For once. What the hell did that mean?

  In the end I told him I was going anyway. Mumbled some goodbye to him that I’m not even sure he heard and just walked home by myself. It wasn’t cold outside, and although it was dark, I wasn’t scared. The T was no longer running but I didn’t have far to go. On the way home, I checked my phone. Nothing from Sam, but there was a missed call from my Dad. I smiled as I listened to the voicemail.

  "Ash, it’s me. I think I’m really frikkin lost. If it says I’m in Dorchester that’s a bad thing right? Call me back if you get this – love you kiddo."

  I smiled to myself. My Dad was hopeless with directions. He’d been visiting us and although it wasn’t dark when he left, Sam suggested he crash with us and drive home the next day.

  Dad had smiled and said, "Nah, I’ll just head back now so I’m not woken up by you two stumbling in drunk in the middle of the night."

  I remember I gave him a hug and a kiss goodbye. "Thanks so much for coming up Dad, I seriously appreciate it," I said before waving, as he drove away from us.

  I tried calling him back even though it was nearly 2am, but his phone rang out, eventually going to voicemail. I left him a message asking him to call when he woke up and then staggered the rest of the way home and crashed.

  Sometime later, Sam stumbled in. He was pretty pissed by this stage waking me up to ask, "Where the hell did you disappear to?"

  As I sat up, still half asleep I answered him. "I told you I was leaving, that was over two hours ago."

  "Well I had no idea where you were Ash," he slurred back at me. "No idea what had happened to you!"

  "Doesn’t look as though you cared too much," I yelled back at him. I was probably being childish, but I’d left the party over two hours ago and he hadn’t tried to stop me or even rung to find out if I was ok. I wondered if he even noticed I was gone until he went to leave.

  "What the hell was wrong with you tonight?" he slurred again.

  "Sam, I had a shit time ok. I didn’t know anyone and you barely talked to me all night. I just wanted to come home."

  Sam threw his hands up in the air. I knew what was coming next, it was always the same thing. "Ash come on, you gotta try babe, try and talk to people ok, make some friends."

  This is what always happened every time we started this argument, although we weren’t usually drunk and in the middle of the night. Sam always wanting me to try and meet people, try and make friends with them. Me unable to do it, unable to do the small talk part or let people in. It’s a miracle Sam was still around really.

  "You know I can’t Sam," I said to him. "You of all people should know that."

  Frustrated, Sam shook his head, crawling into bed and pulling me into his arms. He said nothing more to me, just crashed still fully clothed, not even taking his shoes off. But at least his arms were wrapped around me and I knew that meant the fight was over.

  The next morning I woke up and I was hungover, more than I thought I’d be. Sam was still passed out so I dragged myself up and got dressed, heading out to get some fresh air and grab a coffee to chase away the headache I’d fallen asleep with.

  Ironically when I came home hours later to wake Sam up and talk about what’d happened last night, I found him already awake and our fight seemed like the last thing on his mind.

  When he told me that my Dad had died, our fight became the last thing on my mind too.

  ∞

  Ever since Luke’s party I haven’t spoken to Liam at all. He hasn’t spoken to me and I’ve noticed that Luke doesn’t talk to him anymore either. After what happened I can kind of understand and although a part of me is secretly glad about them not speaking, I also feel that none of this ever would have happened if it wasn’t for me.

  But Liam’s words, the things he said, they are still there, ringing in my ears. I don’t know how much Luke heard, maybe all of it and I don’t want to think about that either. I don’t want to think about Luke’s reaction to his words. That I was fucked up, carrying a bunch of shit around. I didn’t want to think about how true that all was.

  But for whatever reason, tonight, just before we close is when Liam decides we’re going to talk again. Tonight, he decides to follow me into the cold room and supposedly apologise.

  "Ash?"

  I stiffen in response to his voice and suddenly become acutely aware of the fact that we are trapped together in this tiny room, the one place I used to go to escape the rest of the shop. I don’t say anything.

  "Ash, come on, you gonna ignore me forever?" he asks, a slight hint of anger in his voice.

  I take a deep breath, turn and face him. "Yeah Liam, I think I will," I say, my voice firm, despite the nervous energy running through me. "I really don’t want to talk to you and I really don’t want you to talk to me."

  "Ash, come on, isn’t that a bit over the top? You know I was just drunk the other night," he sneers, incredulous that I could dismiss him this easily. "It’s not like I meant to scare you or anything."

  I walk purposefully towards the door, unsure if Liam’s going to let me pass. He doesn’t move, but he doesn’t stop me as I storm out into the kitchen.

  "Ash, come on, don’t be such a bitch," he continues, following me out of the cold room.

  I turn and face him. My nerves have turned to anger now as I say, "Actually Liam, I think you’re the one being a bitch. And a fucking asshole too and I don’t ever want to speak to you again." My blood is boiling right now and I’m glad it’s late and we’re out in the kitchen, because I know Robert would be pissed if he saw us doing this in front of the customers.

  Liam and I are squared off against each other and this time I’m not showing my fear to him. I stand my ground when he takes a step towards me, refusing to back down. I meet his angry stare as I say again, "Stay away from me Liam, I mean it." I barely recognise my own voice now, but before Liam has a chance to respond, I hear another voice. A voice I stupidly hadn’t even considered would be here to witness this.

  "Get away from her Liam," Luke says with a voice that sounds like steel.

  I turn to look at Luke and see the anger radiating from him, his face set like stone, his dark eyes glaring at Liam. His whole body is tensed and I notice his hands are clenched into fists by his side, like he’s trying to hold himself back, trying to stop himself from lashing out.

  Liam doesn’t move, he’s still staring at me.

  "I’m not going to say it again Liam. Get. The. Fuck. Away. From. Her."

  He does, but not before quickly moving towards me a little, a tiny threat to let me know he isn’t really backing down. It isn’t much, but it’s enough to make me flinch in response. It’s enough to make Luke step forward and grab Liam by the front of his shirt now. He’s face to face with Liam, as much as their height difference will allow.
Luke’s face is a mask of fury, and the knuckles of his hand that grip the front of Liam’s shirt, turn white from the effort. His voice is low, almost like a growl as he says, "You ever ignore her when she tells you to fuck off again Liam and I won’t just walk away like I did last time. I won’t just fucking ignore it."

  Luke is really pissed off now but I’m not frightened of him. If anything I’m surprised. Surprised that he’s reacting so strongly to this, that he’s even in here helping me at all. I’m still staring at Luke, who hasn’t looked at me once, when Liam slaps Luke’s hand out of the way, turns to me and says, "You are such a bitch," before walking out.

  I don’t even register Liam leaving, I’m too busy watching Luke’s reaction to all this. I wonder what he’s doing, what he’s thinking. Luke turns to face me now and as soon as he sees me, his face instantly changes, softens.

  "Are you okay?" he asks me, just like he always does.

  I don’t say anything. I can only wonder how much he heard, how much he saw. What he really meant when he said he wouldn’t walk away like last time.

  "Ash, are you okay?" he asks again quietly, taking a small, almost cautious step towards me. "Did he touch you, did he hurt you at all?"

  I shake my head, still unable to say anything. He takes another step towards me, only concern on his face now, his hand reaching out to me, as though he wants to pull me into his arms. And that’s when it hits me. Suddenly and with force, like a hard punch in the gut that takes my breath away.

  He cares.

  He cares whether I’m okay. He was being protective, protecting me. Protecting me from Liam and it wasn’t the first time either. He’s acting like it matters how Liam talks to me, treats me. He’s acting like I matter, like I matter to him. As if I’m someone he cares about and needs to protect.

  It reminds me of something, something so painful that it makes my heart twist, my insides churn and my head hurt. This can’t be happening. This can’t be happening. I can’t let this happen.

  I hold up my hands, stopping him. I see his eyes fall and take in my now shaking hands.