Catching Her Heart

by Carolyne Aarsen

  This was Jess’s room and Brittany was right across—

  Brittany.

  Insulin reaction.

  Naomi bolted upright in the bed, grabbed her robe and tossed it on over her pajamas. She belted it as she hurried out of the room to Brittany’s across the hall.

  The young girl lay curled up on her side, blankets twisted around her, one hand resting palm up beside her head, her dark hair covering her face. Her lips held a faint smile, as if she was having good dreams.

  Naomi touched her forehead, but her skin was dry and cool.

  The tension in her shoulders eased as she looked down at the sleeping girl, then she walked to the window, easing it open. The sun was coming up over the mountains, spilling its rosy light over the valley and onto Brittany’s bed. The day promised to be a beautiful one.

  Naomi’s gaze wandered over the mountains unconsciously, seeking the figure of the Shadow Woman. It was too early in the day to see her, but she and her sisters would often try to puzzle out her location before the afternoon sun brought her features out.

  According to Hartley Creek lore, the Shadow Woman was waiting for her lost love to return. When the light was right, the rocks and ledges created a picture of a face leaning forward, as if looking for him.

  Sometimes Naomi felt like that woman, living in the shadows of her exuberant younger sister, Hailey, and her capable older one, Shannon. Even her relationship with Billy was like a shadow of a real one. Engaged for so long, never married. Never sharing more than a kiss.

  “How is she doing?”

  The deep voice behind her made Naomi jump. She spun around, pushing her hair back from her face to see Jess, already clothed, standing in the doorway. He had shaved and his hair still held the damp sheen of his shower.

  Naomi tried not to feel self-conscious about her lack of makeup, her disheveled hair, the ratty robe that had seen better days. She wrapped it tighter around herself, like a shield.

  “She did okay,” Naomi said, focusing on Brittany. “I checked her at about two again and her blood sugar was low, so I got her up to drink some more. I need to talk to Ben, Dr. Brouwer, about adjusting her insulin. I would prefer to get her on a pump. It would regulate her more.” She forced herself to stop. She was talking too fast and too long. Nerves.

  Jess didn’t reply and, instead, came into the room and stood at the end of Brittany’s bed. “She looks too young to be pregnant and have a kid,” he said quietly. “She’s just a kid herself.”

  Naomi pulled the covers around Brittany’s shoulders, then smoothed them down with a protective motion. Naomi wanted to ask about the status of the baby once it was born, but wasn’t sure it was her right. Again, she wished Sheila was here to help Brittany through this difficult time. A girl needed her mother when life was hard like this.

  “I have coffee made if you want some,” Jess said.

  Naomi caught a delightful whiff of coffee brewing and her mouth watered. “I’d love a cup,” she said. “But first let me get dressed.”

  Once in her room, Naomi grabbed the clothes she had laid out the night before, then scooted into the bathroom.

  She ran a brush through her hair, put on some eyeshadow and a hint of blush then pulled on her black pants and a light blue oxford shirt. Not quite a nurse’s uniform, but at least it was somewhat professional-looking.

  She chanced a look in the mirror, making a face at her hollow cheeks. Two weeks of waitressing at Mug Shots and indulging in Kerry’s famous banana loaf still hadn’t helped her put on the weight she’d lost the last year of taking care of Billy.

  She paused a moment, her mind ticking back to her fiancé as if trying to remind herself of what she had lost. But all she could bring up was a picture of Billy lying on the bed in his parents’ house, his cheekbones standing out in stark relief against his pale skin, his eyes dark shadows in his face.

  Then, as if unable to stop herself, superimposed on that memory came a picture of Jess with his sparkling eyes, thick hair and broad shoulders, the picture of life and vitality.

  Naomi caught herself up short. Lord, please help me to honor Billy’s memory, she prayed. Help me to stay true to a man who was there for me. Help me to figure out who I am and what I should be doing with my life.

  She drew in a breath as she let her prayer settle and become a part of her. Then, when she felt ready, she left the bathroom.

  Jess was pouring a cup of coffee and looked up as Naomi came into the room. “Do you still take two sugars in your coffee?”

  “You still remember?” she said with a nod, surprised. Billy had never paid any attention to those kind of details. Every time he ordered her coffee at Tim Hortons, she always had to go back to get sugar.

  Right behind that came a flicker of disloyalty. Billy was a good man. She had no right to compare him to Jess.

  He shrugged off her question. “Lucky guess,” he said as he handed her the mug.

  She took it with a murmured thanks, then sat down at the kitchen table. To her surprise and dismay, he sat down across from her, his own coffee cup cradled between his palms. She thought he was returning to his house to work.

  She wrapped her hands around the warm mug, realizing she was being foolish. From the way things were going with Brittany, she would be seeing Jess more often. Surely she could treat him the same as she would any other old friend?

  “You sleep okay—”

  “Do you stay—”

  “Go ahead—”

  They both spoke the same words at the same time, then both stopped.

  Jess gave a light laugh and glanced her way and held out a fisted hand. “Rock, paper, scissors?”

  As she held his gaze, it was as if time hurtled backward again and they were two young kids sitting in his car, parked at the lookout point overlooking Hartley Creek Valley. They’d never had a problem talking. Words flowed so easily between them, and every time they started talking at the same time, they played the game to see who got to go first.

  “You always won,” she said.

  “That’s because you were predictable.”

  She released a slow smile. “I don’t know if that’s a compliment or a put-down.”

  Jess’s expression grew serious. “It wasn’t a put-down.”

  “Okay.” She took a quick sip of her coffee, then sputtered, covering her mouth with her hand. “That’s really hot.”

  “You still can’t wait until it cools off, can you?” he said, blowing on his own coffee.

  Another silence rife with past memories rose between them.

  He still knows so much about me.

  The thought both disconcerted her and warmed her at the same time. She wasn’t sure which emotion to connect with. She glanced out the window at the new house. That should be a safe topic.

  “House is coming along?” she asked.

  “Yeah. Got most of the plumbing done. So now it’s painting and flooring and cabinets and the outside.”

  “So I’m curious,” she said, “why are you building this place when you’ve got the other one? I understand you’ve been working on it for a few years.”

  Jess pursed his lips, as if wondering whether to answer her or not, then shrugged. “I bought this property with my own money and have been building the house as I could afford to. I wanted my own place where I could start fresh. A place full of light and peace.”

  The bare wood exterior of the house and the mounds of dirt pushed up beside the foundation showed how much work needed to be done, as he had said, before it would look like a home. “Your own memories?” she asked, latching on to his last comment. “As opposed to the ones you have from your other house?”

  “I want a fresh start. That house holds memories I want to put behind me.”

  The time they had spent there—was that something he al
so wanted to put behind him?

  She looked down at her coffee and sighed. Being around him was getting complicated and awkward. How was she supposed to get through this job?

  As if sensing her own distraction, Jess pushed his own mug aside and rested his crossed forearms on the table. “You know, if you’re going to be around this much we may as well get things out in the open.”

  She looked at him, not so sure she wanted to go to the place he was heading toward. “What do you mean?”

  “We used to date. We spent a lot of time together and had a lot of fun and then we broke up. We decided we didn’t really...you know...”

  She waited, hoping he would finish, then she slowly shook her head. “I’m sorry, I don’t know what we ‘didn’t really.’”

  Jess angled his gaze away from her, then looked back, his dark eyes holding hers in an intense gaze. “Belong together.”

  Those two brutally honest words cut to the core of her being. She was surprised they could still hurt.

  She drew in a deep breath. “Yes, we used to date,” she said. “We were kids who got...carried away.”

  Jess nodded, looking down at his mug. “I always felt bad about what happened that night.”

  “Only bad?”

  As soon as those words left her lips, she wished she could pull them back. She had come back to Hartley Creek to move on, to look ahead, to be in charge of her life.

  Not to delve into the mistakes of her past. She wasn’t allowing herself to be defined by a relationship with a man anymore. She was Naomi Deacon, and she was her own person.

  Then Jess looked up at her, his eyes narrowed as if her question hurt him somehow. “I’m sorry, Naomi. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I cared about you and I got carried away, like you said.”

  The only sound in the silence that followed was the hum of the refrigerator and then, in the far distance, the lonely wail of the train that regularly rumbled through Hartley Creek. The silence swelled as the past reared up and hovered between them.

  “But you did hurt me,” Naomi couldn’t help saying, her fingers tight on the handle of her mug as her emotions slipped, too easily, back to that dark time.

  It was the end of summer. She knew she was leaving and Jess was talking about college. She was afraid that he would leave her behind.

  The housekeeper, who Jess’s parents had hired to supervise him, had left for an unsanctioned weekend holiday, leaving Jess and her alone. In love and unsupervised, they became intimate, and everything in her life had shifted.

  Afterward they both acknowledged that they had gone too far and they promised each other it wouldn’t happen again. It didn’t, but in the aftermath, Naomi’s feelings for Jess grew and intensified. He became her whole life. He took over every part of her mind and soul.

  Jess held her gaze, then shook his head. “I’m sorry, Naomi. What we had...what we did...”

  She held her hand up to stop him. “What we did was a mistake,” she said, disappointed to hear her voice falter. “A mistake I only made once, thankfully. You were the only one—”

  She bit off that comment. What was wrong with her? Why was she telling him this?

  She pushed herself away from the table, but in her hurry, she stumbled.

  Jess got up and reached out to steady her, his arm grasping hers. The warmth of his hand and his nearness sent her heart into overdrive.

  Jess touched her once and it was as if all those years with Billy were swept away. Once again, she ran the risk of letting another man swallow her up.

  She felt like she couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t think. She jerked her hand away and dropped her cup. Coffee spilled out and spread across the floor.

  Jess grabbed a cloth and bent over to wipe up the spill just as she crouched down to pick up her mug. Their shoulders brushed and Naomi pulled back again.

  Jess sat back on his heels and handed her the cloth. “Maybe you better finish up here,” he said quietly.

  Naomi set her cup on the table and, without looking at him, started wiping up.

  Jess blew out a sigh. “I’m sorry,” was all he said. Then he got to his feet. “You seem tense around me.”

  Naomi didn’t reply to that, just kept focusing on the floor and the coffee she was trying to contain.

  “I’m getting the feeling that it might be easier if I stay away.”

  He phrased the sentence in such a way as to give her an opportunity to negate that. She knew she was being foolish, but when she had moved to Hartley Creek, it was with the idea that she would try to get her feet under her. Try to live an independent life and not get swallowed up by feelings anymore.

  Instead she was plunged into daily contact with him, which she was obviously not ready for.

  She glanced up at him and nodded. “Maybe it would be,” she agreed. Then a noise from Brittany’s room drew Naomi to her feet.

  Jess took the cloth from her. “I’ll finish up here. You go see to Brittany.”

  Naomi gave him a curt nod, then left, trying not to hurry. She opened the door to Brittany’s room, closing it behind her.

  Brittany, however, lay on the bed, eyes closed, hand curled up beside her face. She must have cried out in her sleep.

  Naomi leaned back against Brittany’s door, her stomach doing somersaults as she scrabbled for composure.

  You were the only one.

  Why had she spilled that out?

  But it was true. That one moment with Jess had both shaken her world and her basic belief system. He was her first and only, and seeing him again only served to bring back all those emotions—shame, grief, love.

  Like cards shuffled in a deck, she went through them all and behind them was a primal fear. Jess was dangerous. He would pull her in again. She would lose herself in him. She had let Billy overwhelm her, change her. She had to know who she was. Being around Jess only confused her.

  She covered her face with her hands, desperately scrambling for composure. Sorrow mingled with shame as her mind dipped back to those horrible moments when she had confronted Jess all those years ago.

  She had come to him with fear choking her throat and yet, at the same time, a hopeful yearning. And he pushed her away.

  Dear Lord, please let me get through these next few moments. Help me not to let that old relationship, those old mistakes, define me.

  Part of her wanted to quit. To leave again. She had spent enough tears and emotions on the shame that overwhelmed her after Jess rejected her.

  Thankfully Billy had taken her back in spite of everything. Now, dear, faithful Billy was gone and even by letting the emotions of that past seep into her life, she felt as if she was being unfaithful to the man who was so faithful to her.

  Naomi glanced over at the bed. Brittany lay on her side, her hair spilling over the pillow, her one hand resting protectively on her stomach.

  Even though she wanted nothing more than to leave, she knew Brittany depended on her and she couldn’t leave her alone.

  Naomi wondered what kind of mother Brittany would be. Her biological mother had died when she was young, and her stepmother was so caught up in her own grief, she didn’t have time for the young girl when she needed a mother most. What kind of example of a mother’s love did she have?

  Naomi pulled the bedcovers protectively over the young girl, slipping back to her own mother’s frequent absences. How Denise had moved away from Hartley Creek when Hailey, the youngest, was old enough to be left alone. Neither she nor her sisters had heard from her for a couple of months.

  And what kind of mother would you be with your own distant and emotionally reserved mother as a role model?

  Thankfully she didn’t have to face that prospect. Not for a long time. But if the time came, she knew she would be clinging to the verse that had sustained her all through Billy’s i
llness.

  I can do all this through Him who gives me strength.

  Right now, what she needed to do was to figure out who Naomi Deacon was.

  She had spent so much time in the shadow of Billy’s personality, then, later on, in the shadow of his illness. He had taken over her life.

  And so had Jess.

  She had to keep her mind on the job she was asked to do and put a lock on her heart. She was committed to taking care of Brittany and she would bring this job to completion.

  She wasn’t getting pulled into a relationship that would consume her again.

  * * *

  As the bedroom door of Brittany’s room fell shut behind Naomi, Jess bent over to finish cleaning up.

  You were the only one.

  Naomi’s words echoed in his mind.

  He knew she was talking about that night when they were alone in his parents’ house. That night when emotions took over common sense and things went too far.

  Everything changed after that night. They made sure they were never alone. And, he thought, they grew closer. He’d thought she was The One. Then, six weeks later, Billy came back to town. And Naomi happened to pick that night to start talking about kids and family. He said he didn’t want to be a father. She kept pushing him, as if she was looking for a reason to find fault with him. To find an excuse to do exactly what she did.

  Run back to Billy.

  Perfect Billy who probably wanted a dozen kids and would be a fantastic father and who had probably never done more than give her a chaste kiss good-night.

  He walked to the sink and tossed in the cloth and the remains of Naomi’s coffee, wishing his heart would settle down. What had happened was his own fault. He had foolishly thought talking about their shared past would ease the constant tension they seemed to feel around each other.

  You were the only one.

  He took a moment to compose himself, wishing for a second that he could just leave town. Head up to the hills. Go hiking. Push himself to the limits of his endurance like he used to when things got tough at home.