You're Doing Great!
Page 20
Isn’t it nice when things last?
5. SUNSETS
You can call me corny, but I don’t care, I like a good sunset. That big fat sun, burning out its last minutes of the day. Humans walking toward the horizon as if they can pull up a better seat for this giant orange show.
It’s nothing short of a miracle. That this little planet among billions of stars happens to be just the right amount of distance from this giant burning star and that we are alive because of that miracle.
The changing colors of the sky. Twisting purples, screeching yellows. All burned out and allowing us to go proudly into the night. It’s a goodbye at the end of every day. And we know. Or we hope. That it will be back to greet us again.
6. THE MOON
And then who shows up? The moon. Another great member of our team. I love me some moon. Every phase of the moon. The Cheshire cat sliver, the big fat moon over the ocean on a summer’s night when it seems to be closer to us than ever before. The moon controls us. The moon does stuff to us. It controls the tides, and as we are mostly water, it controls us, too.
All hail the powerful and mighty moon.
When I was in high school, I bought a plastic disk that told you which stars were in the night sky. I kept it in the rusty trunk of my Toyota Corolla in a box filled with stuff that got me out of auto troubles: jumper cables, oil, antifreeze, a wire hanger, WD-40, stuff like that. And stuck in among the oily rags was my star map.
Girls liked when I would take it out and show them some constellation. It was a sign that I was thinking about stuff other than beer, sex, and sports. I did like learning about the stars, but of course a big part of that enjoyment was knowing that I would be sharing it with a beautiful girl.
Some of the constellations are always easy to find. Orion’s Belt, the Big and Little Dippers. The North Star is a good one, even though it’s all by itself and we mostly lie about where it is. The biggest problem I have continuing this hobby is that I can’t see as much as I did before. Not from my eyesight but from how intensely we’ve lit up the earth. We have so much ground light that we can’t see the night sky. Unless we travel farther and farther away from the cities. And that’s a good thing.
7. RED WINE
I love wine. I love great wine. Really good wine that elevates the entire room without anyone even knowing why. I know that people like to say there’s no difference between cheap and expensive wine, but that’s usually said by people who can’t afford to buy something nice or become friends with someone who can.
That’s not to say that inexpensive wine is bad by any means. I’ve had fantastic bottles under twenty dollars and lame bottles made even worse by their high price tag. Taking the time to discover and find what you like is part of the great wine experience.
I will, however, declare that at any price point I drink only red wine. I’ve had great glasses of white wine and I’m sure I could be convinced otherwise, but with red wine I don’t need to be sold. It’s deeper, more transformative and soulful.
I like that my doctor told me I should drink it every day. I like that Jesus drank it with his friends. I like that a good bottle can make you travel through space and time. And I also like that it helps make babies.
8. MY IPHONE
Not yours. Not my kids’. Not my wife’s. Mine. I love it.
I rail against it. I say it’s no good. I say that I shouldn’t be looking at it too much and that I should lift my head up and look around once in a while, but I will tell you this. I don’t want to. I love it too much.
I love when we are alone. My phone comes with me places that even my wife isn’t allowed. And it knows way more about me than anybody else. It helps me move around the world. It helps me get fed. It shows me love. It makes me smarter. It does so much. It’s everything. Entertainment and sports and work and play. The only thing I can’t do is eat it.
But give it time.
9. BURNT PRETZELS
I like pretzels. I like big hot pretzels at the ball game. I like pretzels from a dirty cart on a city street. I’ll hold them in my lap and squirt mustard out of packets and risk ruining my shirt. I like pretzels that come in a box that you keep in the freezer. I like pretzel sticks, pretzel rods, and pretzel nubs. I like chocolate-covered pretzels, pretzels dipped in pretty much everything. I really like pretzels.
But the pretzels I love most of all, above all else, in my pretzel parade are burnt pretzels. That’s right. Black, burnt-on-the-outside pretzels. They’re crunchier than most, salted as any other. I like that they seem to be ruined. They seem like a mistake, beyond pretzel repair, and yet given the chance, you realize they’re better than all the rest.
10. REAL BREAD
Not fake bread. Not bread with a zillion ingredients that sits on your shelf for years. Not those hot dog rolls that never gather mold and never seem to be inedible. I mean real, honest-to-goodness bread made out of only four ingredients—flour, water, salt, and yeast. If there are any other ingredients, they better be natural items that add to the flavor, like rosemary, olives, or walnuts.
Bread is good. Bread makes things better. We all need bread. I could live on bread alone. With some cheese.
11. YOU
I’ve developed a career, a path, and a way of life dependent on other people. Everything funny, crazy, and absurd that informs my work comes from you. All the maddening behavior, inspiring stories, and bizarre occurrences enter my work from watching, listening, and talking to everyone around me.
I’ve moved around a lot. I’ve been to more towns than I can remember. But when I am called by a city to return, it is because of the people. And that’s why I continue to pack my bags, get on planes, and hit the road. To see you again, hear what you have to say, and try to make sense of it all.
Sure, sometimes you’re weird, confused, have crumbs on your shirt, but that’s okay. Nobody’s perfect. Do the best you can, and if that’s not good enough, grab a snack and try something else.
You’re doing great. Really.
HAVE YOU EVER FINISHED A BOOK, PUT IT DOWN, AND SAID, “WOW, I AM DOING GREAT!” YOU SHOULD.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Writing a book is an isolating endeavor and when it comes time to finally pop my head out of my office with pages in hand I’m lucky enough to be greeted by wonderful people eager to help bring everything into the light.
I would like to thank my editor, Elizabeth Beier, who has been a great guide and trusted friend who often knows what I should write before I do. Rebecca Lang and all my friends at St. Martin’s Press, who help spread the word wide and far.
The cast and crew at Live from Here, who give me the opportunity to share my writing with a loyal national radio audience. My good pal Joe Rogan, for inviting me in, sharing some bread, and telling the world. Richard Abate, my trusted agent, who thankfully is still laughing along. And the moral support, enthusiasm, and dedication of Josh Pollack, Max Burgos, and Rob Zombie.
ALSO BY TOM PAPA
Your Dad Stole My Rake:
And Other Family Dilemmas
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
TOM PAPA is a comedian known for his live performances as well as his work in film, on television, radio, and streaming services. Papa is a frequent panelist on NPR’s Wait Wait … Don’t Tell Me; a writer and performer on the public radio variety show Live from Here (the latest incarnation of the legendary A Prairie Home Companion); cohost of a daily SiriusXM show, What a Joke with Papa and Fortune; host of the podcast Come to Papa; and the star of four streaming stand-up specials. His most recent Netflix special, You’re Doing Great!, premiered in early 2020. Papa is also the author of Your Dad Stole My Rake. When not on tour, Tom lives in Los Angeles with his wife, two daughters, a cat, and a somewhat loyal dog. He also bakes bread. You can sign up for email updates here.
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CONTENTS
Title Page
Copyright Notice
Dedication
Introduction
You Don’t Have to Live Your Best Life
We Are Fan People
You Work Too Hard
Shut Up and Eat
A Very Funny Nose
Nancy and Emily
Fun Things That Aren’t
It Takes Two
It’s Bad for You and That’s Okay
Here Comes Some Bad News
You’re Rich!
Don’t Go Tubing
A Lot Has Changed
A Simple Cup of Coffee
Stay Inside Where You’re Safe
Someone to Love
The Good Old Days That Weren’t
Massages Are for Sissies
Primo DNA
I Love Your Love Handles
It’s Date Night
I’m Going to Mars!—if My Wife Will Let Me
Play by the Rules
I’m So Baked
A Couple of Really Bad Days
Be a Good Guy
Do You Ever Wish You Were Smarter? Not Me!
Let’s Go Back
7-Eleven Heaven
Safe Travels
Please Lower Your Volume
More Than Just a Game
Time for Dinner
Don’t Open the Mail
There’s a Ghost in Your House
Staying Positive
The Greatest Show on Earth
Follow the Herd
Home Alone
Play Ball!
Get a Dog
And Now a Word from Our Sponsor
Acknowledgments
Also by Tom Papa
About the Author
Copyright
First published in the United States by St. Martin’s Press, an imprint of St. Martin’s Publishing Group
YOU’RE DOING GREAT! Copyright © 2020 by Tom Papa. All rights reserved. For information, address St. Martin’s Publishing Group, 120 Broadway, New York, NY 10271.
www.stmartins.com
Cover design by Rob Grom
Cover photographs by Sam Jones
The Library of Congress has cataloged the print edition as follows:
Names: Papa, Tom, author.
Title: You’re doing great!: and other reasons to stay alive / Tom Papa.
Description: First edition. | New York: St. Martin’s Press, 2020.
Identifiers: LCCN 2019054417 | ISBN 9781250240392 (hardcover) | ISBN 9781250240408 (ebook)
Subjects: LCSH: American wit and humor. | Conduct of life—Humor. | United States—Civilization—21st century—Humor.
Classification: LCC PN6165 .P37 2020 | DDC 818/.602—dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2019054417
eISBN 9781250240408
Our ebooks may be purchased in bulk for promotional, educational, or business use. Please contact the Macmillan Corporate and Premium Sales Department at 1-800-221-7945, extension 5442, or by email at MacmillanSpecialMarkets@macmillan.com.
First Edition: May 2020