Edmund had become dear to her. That was all she knew. And she didn’t want to lose him—especially not to Miss Perry.
Before Selina could concoct a story to explain the warmth of her hands, Edmund gave her a gentle smile, one that set her racing thoughts at ease, if only for a moment. “We should go back to the drawing room. Your mother was worried about your absence.”
Selina closed her bedchamber door, following Edmund toward the stairs. Edmund turned toward her with a reassuring smile. “You may walk in ahead of me if you wish. I would not expect you to hope to be caught under the kissing bough with me.”
Selina’s cheeks grew warm. All this talk of kissing was beginning to make her vastly uncomfortable. Who had invented such a tradition? It was improper and until today, Mama had never decorated with kissing boughs. The servants had been known to hang them in their own quarters, but never in the public areas of the house where unsuspecting guests might be caught beneath them. “That is very considerate of you. I wonder where such manners were when Miss Perry was on your arm.” Selina stopped herself, her eyes widening. What was wrong with her?
One corner of Edmund’s mouth lifted in a smile as they reached the bottom of the stairs. “It seems the rivalry between your mother and Mrs. Perry extends to their children.” He gave her a pointed look, a teasing glint in his eyes.
Selina’s face heated again, and she shook her head, laughing as if she actually found his words humorous. “Miss Perry is not my rival. I was only concerned for her heart. She may very well be falling in love with you and I do not know where your feelings for her stand.”
The drawing room was at the end of the short hallway, so Selina walked a few paces ahead to avoid being caught in the doorway with him.
“My feelings?” Edmund met her gaze as she glanced over her shoulder. “My feelings are otherwise engaged.” His jaw tightened as he turned his attention to the floor.
Selina’s gaze lingered on him as she walked, and she nearly crashed into Mama as she met her in the doorway, pulling her hastily inside. “You will not believe what I have done.” Mama’s voice was a harsh whisper. Mrs. Perry and her daughter sat on the other side of the room, watching eagerly as Edmund stepped through the door. Rather than take the open seat beside Miss Perry, Edmund chose the chair by the fire.
“What is it?” Selina whispered, her brow furrowing at Mama’s concerned expression.
With a sigh, Mama turned her back to the other guests for long enough to whisper without being seen or heard. “I hung the kissing bough in the hopes of catching you and Sir Edmund beneath it. When Mrs. Perry discovered my plan, she made the assumption that her daughter would be the one walking through at his side.”
Selina crossed her arms. “And she was right.”
Mama pressed a hand to her chest. “Indeed.” Her eyes narrowed. “I am just as distressed over it as you are. I was certain it would be you and Edmund walking through the doorway together, and now that he has kissed Miss Perry, he will likely fall in love with her and I shall never have him as my son-in-law.”
“Mama!” Selina scolded in a whisper, glancing behind her to ensure Edmund hadn’t overheard. “Please do not say such things aloud.” She paused. “And I am not distressed.”
Mama sighed. “However . . . I did find it quite gallant how he ran off after you like that. The moment Miss Perry released him from her insufferable grip he started in your direction.”
Selina followed Mama’s gaze to Edmund, careful to not be caught staring. He was turned away from her, watching the flames flickering in the hearth.
“No matter what Mrs. Perry wishes to believe . . . ” Mama said. “I daresay he wished it had been you with him under the kissing bough.”
Selina shook her head, unwilling to believe such a thing, despite all the signs that told her it might have been true. “Even if he wished for it, I would not have kissed him. I am not nearly as improper as Miss Perry.”
Mama clicked her tongue quietly. “I would not be so certain. There is no better time than Christmastide for wishes to be granted.”
“Mama!”
Without listening, Mama turned away, returning to her guests. Selina stayed by her mother’s side, too vexed by the Perrys and too conflicted toward Edmund to choose any of them as companions. The decorating was almost finished, so it wouldn’t be long before Selina could return to her room for a time. Thankfully, the Perrys would not be joining them for Christmas Eve dinner, but that also meant it would just be Mama, Selina, and Edmund sitting around the table.
Selina comforted herself with the fact that tomorrow was Christmas Day. She would see Noah in the churchyard and perhaps find the answers her heart sought.
Chapter 14
“Mr. Skinner will be awaiting me outside,” Selina said as she walked out of the church at Edmund’s side. Wrapped up in all her warm layers, she looked unfairly endearing, her smooth cheeks flushed from the cold. She had hardly spoken to him since the day before, avoiding his gaze and retreating back to the way she had been before they had established any sort of friendship between them. Even if she was relaying such terrible news, he was simply glad she was speaking to him.
Edmund’s gaze darted around the churchyard, and he fell back a pace. “Skinner is here?”
“Do not let my mother overhear,” Selina whispered. “I imagine she will remain distracted by all the people here, but if she looks for me, will you distract her?” Her clear eyes stared up at him, the color even more striking against the white snow all around them. “I—I need to speak to him.” She wrung her fingers together.
Edmund watched the signs of nervousness in her, hope rising in his chest. Had she finally seen sense? Would she tell him she no longer wished to marry him? As pleased as he was with that idea, a pang of worry struck him. Would Skinner find a way to blame Edmund and burn the will? He had to hide before he was seen with Selina.
“What is the matter?” Selina asked, likely noting the way Edmund’s brow had creased with worry.
“Nothing at all.” He glanced around again before nodding. “And yes, I will keep your mother from finding you.” He had been doing all he could to gain Selina’s trust, but the day before, though he hadn’t intended to, he seemed to have lost a bit of it. Miss Perry’s kiss had meant nothing to him, and he had done nothing to encourage it, yet Selina had obviously been hurt by it. That alone was encouraging, but he also hated to see her upset. “I will wait back here,” he said. “I believe your mother is still inside.” Edmund paused. “Where are you meeting him?”
Selina pointed discreetly behind the church where few people ever ventured. “It will have to be brief. He is likely already there awaiting me.”
Edmund stiffened, taking several paces back. “You ought to be going, then.”
Selina seemed reluctant to move, a line between her eyebrows. It was as if she missed the time when Edmund had done all in his power to keep her from Skinner. It was almost as if she wished he would. “Very well,” she said in a soft voice. “I will return shortly.”
Edmund watched as she started in the direction she had pointed. He waited until she was almost out of view before turning on his heel. With long strides, he walked around the opposite side of the church, stopping once he reached the outer left wall. He pressed his shoulder against it, peering around the corner of the church just enough so he could see the yard beyond it.
Selina stood with her arms crossed as Mr. Skinner approached her, removing his hat. Edmund listened closely, but he was unable to catch their conversation from where he stood, and to move closer he would risk being seen. He kept his eyes fixed on Selina and the way she held her arms wrapped around herself rather than Skinner as she had when he had first witnessed them together.
Edmund crossed his own arms, a deep chill running over his skin as snow began falling. As he observed the conversation, Selina seemed to relax her posture, even smiling up at Skinner once or twice. A pang of jealousy drove its way into Edmund’s heart, and his hope began to
diminish. Was he a fool to think he could change her mind? Did she really care deeply enough for Skinner to follow through with the marriage, even at the expense of her station and her mother’s respect? As Edmund considered his own feelings for Selina, he realized he would be willing to give up such things if it meant he could spend each day with her. If her feelings for Skinner extended so far, then she no longer seemed like such a fool.
She had been fooled, but that did not make her a fool. Edmund had been fooled too. He had allowed himself to believe that Selina cared for him as more than a friend, a face from the past, or a guest at her mother’s house.
When Selina stepped away from Skinner, Edmund watched them part ways. Distracted as he was by Selina, he didn’t realize Skinner was walking directly toward him.
He scrambled away from the side of the church, straightening his hat and walking in the opposite direction. He had almost made it to the front of the church before he risked a careful glance behind him from beneath the brim of his hat. Standing near the place Edmund had just been, was Skinner, his gaze pointed in Edmund’s direction. The distance between them and the falling snow might have been enough to make Edmund unrecognizable, but his stomach twisted with dread as he realized he was standing in fresh snow. Skinner would see his footprints and know how close he had just been. He would know Edmund had been watching them.
Edmund walked casually toward the front of the church, finding Mrs. Ellis and Selina reunited on the front steps. He held his breath, afraid to glance back and find Skinner following him.
“Where have you been, Sir Edmund?” Mrs. Ellis cast him a bright smile. “I simply cannot allow you to leave our sides on such a happy day as this.” She cast her gaze up at the sky. “If only the weather had allowed Rose to travel into London today. How much happier still the day could be. I am never so happy as when Rose comes to visit.”
Edmund never thought he would be glad that the weather had remained so treacherous for travel. His work in London wasn’t through yet, and if the snow melted, he would lose his excuse to stay.
Edmund met Selina’s gaze, holding it for several seconds. There was something different in her eyes, and he spent the walk home trying to decipher what it was. It wasn’t until he walked through the front doors of the house that he recognized it.
Regret.
It hadn’t been there before she spoke with Skinner, so he could be the only one to blame for the regret in her eyes. The moment they walked through the doors, Selina took off her hat, pelisse, and gloves, and started up the stairs, moving almost as quickly as she had the day before when Miss Perry had kissed Edmund.
Edmund waited at the base of the stairs as Mrs. Ellis removed to the kitchen to check on the Christmas feast preparations, debating over whether or not Selina wanted to be followed.
Why hadn’t she said it? Selina sat on the edge of her bed, rubbing her forehead with two fingers. Noah had relayed his plans to her regarding their elopement, and all she had been able to think of was Edmund. Her heart stung as regret threatened to consume her. Why was it so difficult to let go of Noah? She had been dreaming of him for so many months, mistaking the feelings in her heart for love. But now it was clear that all she had ever felt for him was fascination. Attraction. And a bit of fixation. She had meant to tell him that day that she no longer wished to marry him, at least not yet.
Her heart pounded fast. If she really loved Noah, the opportunity to spend her life with him would have been worth any cost. She would be feeling eager and excited and overjoyed to hear that there was a plan in place to make that possible. But all she felt was empty and afraid. The emptiness she now felt left room for the things Edmund had been telling her about Skinner all along. What if he was not to be trusted? But what reason could he have for marrying her if he did not truly care for her? He had told her he did many times, and she had nothing to offer besides her own heart. So what else could it be?
She laid back with a groan, throwing her arms above her. Why must her heart be so difficult to understand?
A knock sounded on her door again, making her heart leap. As she rose to answer it, she prepared herself for the possibility that it could be Edmund standing there again. Taking a deep breath, she pulled it open. Despite her preparations, she was still surprised to see his face.
“I am sorry to disturb you,” he said, glancing down either side of the hall as if worried over being seen outside her room. “But I wanted to inquire about your conversation with Mr. Skinner. You seemed . . . somewhat troubled. What did he say to you?”
Selina steadied herself with a breath. She had already lied to him yesterday, and he had seen straight through it. How could she lie to him again? He could read her emotions as if they were written out on her face, and perhaps they were. “I don’t wish to speak of Mr. Skinner,” Selina said, pushing aside her worry. She didn’t want Edmund to be concerned for her. This was her life and her emotions to sort through. He had burdened himself with her affairs too much already, and there was no place for such heavy things on Christmas. “My mother will be quite busy preparing to receive her guests tonight,” Selina continued. She planned her words carefully. “Would you join me in the library for a game of chess? It seems just the sort of activity for a day like today.”
A slight smile curved his lips, his eyes soft. “I hope you are prepared to lose.”
“I have never lost.”
Edmund chuckled, following her to the library. The heaviness in Selina’s chest faded as she played chess with Edmund, and she was not even upset when he managed to win the game. The quiet warmth of the library and Edmund’s company eased the ache in her chest, leaving room for laughter and joy and the sorts of things one was meant to feel on Christmas.
“You must have cheated to have won so easily,” Selina said in an offhand voice, picking up a pawn and turning it over in her hand.
Edmund exhaled sharply in disbelief before a smile claimed his expression. “You simply underestimated my skill.”
She leaned one elbow on the table. “Or perhaps I did not play my best.”
His eyes flew up to hers. “If that is the case then I demand another match.”
In truth, she had played to win, but Edmund did not need to know that he was really as skilled as he was. He was pompous enough already. Selina smiled as she gathered up her pieces.
They spoke less during their second match, too focused to communicate in anything but glances. Perhaps it was Edmund’s ability to read her that made his second victory so effortless, or perhaps it was that she wasn’t as skilled at chess as she had thought. If he was worse at keeping his features neutral and unreadable, then she might have been able to guess his next move.
Selina sat back with a sigh, narrowing her eyes at him. “You are cruel to watch me lose twice on Christmas Day.” She rubbed her arms, a sudden chill seeping through her skin.
Edmund must have noticed, for he stood, gesturing to the nearby fire. She followed him to the chairs in front of it, half-hoping he would move them farther apart before sitting down.
He didn’t.
Once she had settled into her chair, Edmund turned slightly toward her. His smile had faded into a look of curiosity. The fire crackled, warming her toes. She hadn’t realized how cold they had been.
“May I ask you a question?” Edmund said. “I do not require an answer, but you would appease my curiosity greatly if you gave one.”
Selina nodded, her throat suddenly parched.
“Has Mr. Skinner ever told you why he chose to marry you?”
His words fell hollow on her ears, and she searched for any instance that would match what he described. “Not outrightly, I suppose.” Selina extended her hands closer to the fire, watching as the sparks diminished under the wood.
“Have you given much thought to that question before now?” Edmund met her gaze.
Selina felt suddenly self-conscious. Why was he asking? Did he believe it so unlikely that a man would admire her enough to propose? “I have not,�
� Selina said.
Edmund leaned forward in his chair, drawing her gaze back to him. “Don’t you find it curious that he would ask you to marry him at all?”
Selina turned to face him. “It offends me that you are so baffled.”
Edmund frowned. “Baffled?”
“You are baffled that any man would admire me enough to marry me, even a man beneath my station. I do not need to know why he would wish to marry me, only that he does.”
Edmund shook his head at the ground, and a muscle jumped in his clenched jaw. “I am far from baffled over why any man would wish to marry you.” His eyes found hers, shadowed by the curls on his forehead and the harsh light from the fire. Her heart pounded as he leaned his arm not on his own chair, but on hers. “But I am baffled that your own betrothed has not told you himself. Could he not take a moment to explain how you reign his thoughts? How he wishes to be near you always, and never be parted from you?”
Edmund cast his gaze downward briefly, his frustration seeming to rise as he spoke. “If he were to do it right, he would tell you how your laugh enchants him, how your eyes hold him captive, and of the many moments he has spent hoping you would one day be his. He might even tell you that there is no clear explanation for why he loves you, but simply that he does—that his love is built from every part of you, good and bad, every moment, and every word. If he were to make a list of the reasons, it would be too extensive, and it wouldn’t properly encompass the complexity of what he feels.” Edmund’s words stopped abruptly. His eyes searched her face. He seemed to be looking for something important. He was so close, leaning on the arm of her chair as he was. Selina could hardly breathe.
The feelings pulsing through her chest were unfamiliar, and she knew without a doubt that if those words had come from Noah she would not have felt like this. She was on a cliff, torn between staying and falling.
Her Silent Knight: A Christmas Regency Romance (Belles of Christmas: Frost Fair Book 1) Page 11