by Mary Wood
‘Makes no odds, Penny, and I’ll tell you both something. It ain’t natural how they carry on.’
‘Oh? In what way?’ Louise asked.
Much to her annoyance, Rita didn’t have time to answer this. She wished to put Louise off the toff, but before she could, Terence Crompton stood in front of them and bowed to Louise. ‘May I have the pleasure of this dance, Miss . . . ?’
‘Rothergill – Louise Rothergill.’
‘Not a member of the Rothergills from Surrey?’
‘No, well, not exactly. They are my uncle and aunt, and my cousins. My branch of the family live in Kent, and we are not titled. Daddy is the younger brother.’
‘How fascinating. What on earth possessed you to take up the work of a Land Girl?’
Rita felt like punching him in the face. He’s got a bleedin’ cheek, ignoring me as if nothing has happened between us, and saying ‘Land Girl’ in that manner, making us out as if we are muck under his boots. She watched as he swept Louise onto the dance floor and started a waltz with her. Grabbing Penny, she said, ‘’Ere, come on. Let’s dance, eh?’
As they passed by Theresa, Rita was shocked to notice a weird expression on the girl’s face. Surely she wasn’t going to show her feelings for her brother in public, was she? But no, the look wasn’t one of jealousy. It was more like sexual hunger. She knew that feeling and had conveyed it across many a room. Following the direction in which Theresa was looking gave Rita a further shock. She was only giving the bridegroom the eye! And now it looks like she’s going to take her chances . . . Rita watched as Billy moved away from his wife and Theresa walked over to him. Bleedin’ hell, it all goes on, up here in the country!
‘So, you are a married man now? That will clip your wings a bit, won’t it?’
Billy laughed. The looks Theresa had been giving him since she’d arrived at his wedding party had excited him and prompted him to position himself well away from Sarah. ‘I doubt it. I have what I want now, but a man can still have some fun, can’t he?’
‘Oh? Your bride is what you want? Forgive me for thinking you are disillusioned, sir.’
Her laugh after saying this quietened the anger inside him, which pleased Billy. He hated it when anger overtook him; it closed him down, covering his mind in a red mist that he had to fight his way out of. His voice held steady as he replied, ‘Aye, she’s all I’ve ever wanted, but there’s room for me to indulge meself. As long as it don’t interfere with what me and Sarah have.’
‘I wouldn’t think that privilege of having other indulgences extends to her – am I right?’
‘It seems to me you think you can poke your nose into business as ain’t nothing to do with you. You posh lot are all the bloody same. Well—’
‘Sorry, didn’t mean to touch a raw nerve. Thought you were above that. Didn’t have you down as being like the rest of them.’
‘What d’yer mean by that?’ The girl was beginning to rile him. He’d best move away.
‘Don’t go. It was a compliment. I meant that I thought I could exchange intelligent banter with you. Have some fun. Use innuendos – that’s all.’
‘Well, whatever they are, they ain’t for me. I like straight talk.’
‘Right, in that case, I’ll be out riding in the woods tomorrow afternoon at two. I’ll head for this side, so you haven’t far to walk from your cottage.’ Before he could say anything more, she turned. ‘Pater, there you are! You promised me a dance, to keep me from getting bored.’
‘Theresa!’
The look of embarrassment on Lord Crompton’s face was a sight that Billy would not have missed. That daughter of his was a bitch. Her invitation – because that’s what it was – had left him feeling his need. He’d have to get Sarah away soon. It wasn’t done for the bride and groom to stay long at the wedding party, anyway.
Sarah’s laugh met Billy as he went back to her. She was standing with the Land Girls. There was a couple of them he fancied an’ all. He’d give that Rita a go, and her mate. Rita’d be good – experienced, he’d imagine – but the other one looked like no one had been there. Might be a challenge. Trouble was, he’d so little time left: two weeks . . . Part of him was excited about that. He relished the thought of war, battle, guns and explosions. He couldn’t wait.
When Sarah spotted him, she didn’t look pleased to see him. And this being our bloody wedding day, an all! She was different of late. Though, if he was honest, she’d been that way a while now. Well, she’d have to change her attitude, because he wasn’t for having a surly wife. He wanted her how she used to be: feisty at times, and taking him to task, but all done with love. That’s what was missing – love. It confused him as to why. Richard! Anger surged through him as this thought hit him like a bullet. There was something between her and that bastard, Richard fucking Chesterton!
The sudden and painful grasp of her arm startled Sarah. She’d seen Billy coming towards her and was making her excuses to the girls when it happened.
‘Billy, what’s wrong?’
The Land Girls moved away, their faces averted in embarrassment.
Billy snarled through his teeth, ‘You – you’re what’s wrong. This is our wedding day and you spend it with everyone except me.’
‘But you left me. You went and talked to Miss Crompton. I couldn’t do owt about it, seeing as my new husband didn’t choose to take me with him to talk to her. Now, let go of me arm or I’ll scream the place down.’
‘Ha! That’s more like what you used to be like. Only with one difference.’
‘Billy, I ain’t going to talk over whatever you imagine is in me head, not in front of guests. You’re making them feel uncomfortable. Now don’t be daft. Look, your mam’s looking over.’
‘Aye, well, she’s the same an’ all. But I’ll sort the pair of yer out, you—’
‘Sarah, I believe this is my dance?’
‘Oh, I – I . . . Aye, it is, Granddad Edward, ta. Let me put me drink down.’ Grateful for the interruption, Sarah could have jumped for joy, but then she saw Aunt Megan just behind Edward and her heart sank. Not now, please not now . . . As Edward swept her into a quickstep, she could only pray as she watched over his shoulder and saw Aunt Megan approaching Billy. Please God, let Billy be kind to his mam. But deep inside her she knew there was no chance he would be.
Not wanting to ask him, and knowing what the answer would be, Megan summoned all she had in her. ‘Billy, shall we dance, love? I’d like it if we did.’
‘I don’t want to dance. Anyroad, while we’re on, what game are you playing at, eh, Mam? Feathering your own nest and acting like gentry do. Well, you just remember where you came from and how you got your money. And who died because of it all.’
‘I’m not playing any game, Billy, and now isn’t the right moment to talk of what’s worrying you.’
‘No, it never is. I’m telling you, Mam, sommat’s changed around here. Sarah ain’t the same. And I can’t forget how you were with me dad – not just like that, I can’t. I tried to while I were in that place, but it lay in me no matter what; and now it’s harder out here, with seeing you with everything you’ve got. Me dad never had nowt, and you hurt him bad. I’m telling you: you do the same again and I’ll kill you. Even if I have to swing for it.’
‘I never had any intention of hurting your dad, Billy. I had no choice but to leave him. I couldn’t take any more, and neither could I see you brutalized like you were, for nowt. I didn’t take up with Jack afore I left your dad, if that’s what you think. I’d planned on leaving long before I knew Jack loved me. And yes, while we’re on, I ain’t going to stand for you threatening me. In fact I have a warning for you: don’t you ever do to Sarah what your dad did to me, or it won’t be you doing the killing.’
She didn’t wait for a reply; Billy’s shocked expression was enough. She turned and walked away. Her eyes found Jack and she made her way towards him.
‘By, me little lass. I keep saying it, but you looks grand today. And what
does you think to it all, eh? Our young ’uns wed to each other . . . it puts a seal on everything, doesn’t it?’
She managed a smile for him, and as she did so she looked back to where Billy was still standing, watching her. The look of hate that crossed his face sent fear trembling through her.
‘Don’t worry, lass. He’ll change. They all do, when they have some young ’uns of their own and realize what it’s all about.’ Issy was standing at Megan’s other side and had whispered this into her ear.
Megan touched Issy’s shoulder and whispered back, ‘Ta, Issy. I hope so. I really do.’
‘What’s worrying you, Megan? Is everything alreet?’
‘Aye it is, Jack. Me and Issy were just musing on how things change when the young ’uns have nippers of their own.’
‘Aye, there’s that to come an’ all. Eeh, I’m looking forward to some little ones about the house. Our own grandchildren, Megan. It makes you think, doesn’t it?’ He pulled her to him and she snuggled into him, although it didn’t help. The feelings inside her had taken root. What had they done? Why hadn’t they stopped this wedding? Dear God, let Sarah be all right. She shook herself mentally. Of course Sarah would be fine. Billy loved her, didn’t he?
The dance came to an end and Edward glided Sarah back to Billy. Megan held her breath as she heard Edward say, ‘Your turn, Billy. I’ve brought your lovely wife back to you. Time for the bride and groom to have their last waltz, I think.’ Turning to where she stood with Jack, Edward called over, ‘What do you say, Megan?’
She didn’t have time to say anything, as Hattie had come over to them and took charge. ‘You’re reet there, Edward, and none of us can let our hair down till the happy couple leave. Ha, funny that, but that’s the way it is. Everyone has a good time at a wedding except the bride and groom!’
‘I agree: our last waltz, Billy. Come on, down on your knee and ask me to dance. Eeh, I’m that excited for us to get off together and start our married life.’
Grateful to her Aunt Hattie, Sarah had taken her lead. She knew how to manage Billy. She just didn’t feel inclined to do so that often, but now was the time to pull out all the stops. Leaning forward, she put her arms around him and kissed his cheek and, with every effort she could muster, said, ‘I love you, my husband.’
The change was instant. Billy smiled down at her as he replied, ‘Eeh, me little lass!’ And, as tradition dictated, he knelt before her. But then he surprised her: his mood lifted and he made a bit of fun out of it, asking in a posh voice, ‘Will you do me the honour?’
For just a moment, something of what she’d felt for him in the past came back to Sarah. She could make this work. She had to.
15
Sarah & Billy
A Path Chosen
Despite Sarah’s bravado, once they had got into the car and everyone had waved them off, she’d begun to dread the moment that was now upon her: coming together with Billy as his wife. No more resisting; she had to forget that last time, and its consequences.
But though she tried, it was going badly. Her body felt cold and closed.
‘I never thought as you’d be like this, Sarah. Come on now, you has to let me. It’s our wedding night. Or is it cos I’m the wrong bloke, eh? That’s it, ain’t it? You’re thinking of Richard, ain’t yer?’
‘No, Billy. It’s you I love. You know that.’ I have to pretend. ‘I just need you to take your time a bit. You’re hurting me, with how rough you’re being. I thought we’d kiss and cuddle first. Love each other into it.’
‘Look, Sarah, you’re me wife now – and it ain’t as if we ain’t done it afore. We’re supposed to come together tonight, thou knows that.’
‘I just didn’t think it would be like this. You’re—’
‘So it’s me to blame, is it? I don’t know you any more, Sarah. You’ve allus been me lass. I’m reet, aren’t I? You’re thinking of that Richard. The bastard! He got at you while I were away . . . Where’re you going?’
‘I’m not staying in bed with you, Billy Armitage. It’s our wedding night and you’re treating me like an animal, and saying things to me that aren’t true and never have been. I’d rather sleep on the floor.’
‘Oh no, you doesn’t. You’re going to be me wife proper. And while we’re on, you can stop being Miss High-and-Mighty. You’re Sarah Fellam as was, from Breckton, a groomsman-cum-chauffeur’s daughter, not Lady Duck Muck.’ He caught hold of her. She tried to pull away.
‘You’re hurting me. Billy, no! Billy!’
The blow caught her arm and sent her reeling back onto the bed. His weight crushed her. With his knee, he prised open her legs. The force with which he penetrated her seared Sarah with pain, as the tension in her tightened her muscles. She cried out, begging him to stop, but the more she begged, the harder he thrust himself into her. At last, his face contorted, his throat released a deep-seated groan and he pushed hard into her.
She hadn’t wanted it to be like this . . . Not forced on her. Oh God, she’d wanted to be loved and cherished; taken to a place where she’d want to have Billy make love to her.
‘Oh, Sarah. Sarah, me little love. Me lass, I’m sorry, Sarah. I’m sorry.’
With one hand on either side of her head, he lifted his body and looked down on her. He didn’t remove himself from her, but her insides relaxed. His sorrow, and now his gentle wiping away of her tears, made it easier, but then his words made her tense once more.
‘I didn’t want to do you like that, Sarah. You made me. Why – why are you like you are with me? Say sommat, Sarah, say sommat.’
‘I – I don’t know what to say. I . . .’ Suddenly she knew that if she really was going to salvage something from this, she had to swallow her pride. ‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been so silly. You were bound to be eager. I should have realized. But promise me, Billy: promise me you won’t ever hit me again. That has hurt me more than the hurry you were in, and the rough way you were with me. It has hurt me inside.’
Shame etched his face, allowing her to give in to her anger.
‘And I’m not for standing for it, so don’t even think of doing it again, otherwise I’ll tell me dad and he’ll have sommat to say about it.’
‘You do that and you’ll—’
Rage reddened his face and made the veins in his neck bulge. Fear sat heavily in every nerve of Sarah, but courage came and blocked it from making her cower to him. ‘Don’t even think about threatening me, Billy. This has to end – and end now. If it doesn’t, I’ll walk out, and whatever that makes you do, you can take the consequences of, as I will an’ all.’
Shock registered in his expression. His eyes stared down at her, their glare kindling a dread in her that belied the brave stance she’d taken. Still lying underneath him, she realized her vulnerability and the thought bathed her in sweat.
After a moment Billy’s muscles relaxed. His body seemed to fold as he laid his full weight on her, his arm lifting her head and finding a way under her shoulders, his grip like a vice and yet expressing whatever love he was capable of giving. ‘I’m sorry, Sarah, love. Don’t ever be for saying as you’ll leave me.’
Hearing what sounded like a sob, she put her arms around him. ‘It doesn’t have to come to that, Billy. Just take care in your treatment of me, and I will love and respect you. We can find happiness, despite everything we’ve had to face. It ain’t going to be easy, but we’re in this together, thou knows.’
‘Eeh, Sarah, I want to make you happy. I want to conquer what I have in me. I love you and always have done, but you must take some of the blame. You didn’t act as you should tonight, and haven’t done for a while.’
‘I know. It’s all been a lot to take on. Let’s start again, eh? Begin as if nothing has happened. It’s our only chance.’
‘Aye, you’re reet.’
His kiss surprised her. The gentleness of it – the giving, not taking. It was something she’d not experienced with him before. It lit a flame inside her, and her body arched.
Billy responded, his movements gentle inside her. The flame intensified, becoming an ache that throbbed a need into her.
Billy’s moans joined hers. His thrusting heightened her feelings. Something was going to happen – something she wanted, needed . . . Oh no! No, not yet! Billy slumped onto her, and his guttural groan in her ear brought her the disappointment of an ending before she reached that elusive feeling, which she couldn’t name, but needed so badly. It wasn’t going to happen.
Billy’s words of love helped, as did his kisses and thanks as he released himself from her; and, though she felt deflated, it set up hope in Sarah for their future. Now she knew that she could want him, want to make love with him and, with experience, would maybe find the completion of all her needs with him . . . Or is it only Richard, my one true love, who can do that for me? This thought shattered the peace she sought, for instead of her newfound hope for the future, before her lay a void that would live inside her till the day she died. But she had to accept that, and bear it. She was Billy’s wife now. She’d chosen her path.
There was a happy, relaxed atmosphere when they woke and the morning went well. They breakfasted late, sitting in the warmth that the winter sun managed to project through the windowpane of their cottage. No one visited, as they’d all promised they wouldn’t, but knowing the worries Aunt Megan and her dad had for her, Sarah decided that she’d like to contact them.
Dipping the half-peeled potato in the muddied water that was holding the other two unwashed ones, she felt Billy’s eyes on her. She turned to see him sat with the paper on his knee, which the delivery lad had left in the letter box yesterday. His gaze was soft and kind. Smiling at him, she said, ‘I hope I don’t poison you. I’m not much of a cook. I’ve only had a few tips from me granna to help me.’
His laugh was relaxed. ‘Well, we’ll get by. I have a bit of knowledge, as we had to do kitchen duties in the institution, but I’d probably make enough for four hundred instead of two!’
Their giggling settled a homely feeling in her, as did all that surrounded her. The deep-pot sink at which she stood overlooked the garden at the back of the cottage, from where, if she looked up the small hill behind them, she could see the much larger hills, standing tall and majestic – as if they would call themselves mountains – towering in the distance. Behind her and opposite the sink, a table and chairs stood under the far window. In between these, in this living-kitchen with its shiny stone floor covered in a huge rug, stood two high-backed wooden chairs, one on either side of the fireplace, a large, black ornate range with side ovens, and a hob-plate and kettle stand that swivelled over the flames to become a hotplate. A dresser, made of oak and lovingly polished, adorned the back wall. It held all the china she’d collected as she’d prepared her bottom drawer. Pretty lace curtains draped the tiny windows with their leaded lights, though a stark reminder of what might happen in the near future assaulted her as she looked at the regulation blackout curtains tied back on each side.