by Mary Wood
‘That’s good, then. Look, I’m reet tired, Dad. And tearful an’ all. I’ll just get a bit of sommat here, and be on me own.’
‘No, Megan won’t hear of it, and neither will I. Get in your car and bring your nightclothes. You’re stopping here, as is Richard. He wanted to book in at the pub! Felt he’d be intruding, but that ain’t how it is at all. It’ll be good for us all to be together. Oh, and while I’m on, can you take him to the station on your way into work tomorrow? Lad were going to book a cab, but Megan says as you’ll pass right by there. She said as you’ve no need to go in till later, and only just to do the wages – no need to put a whole day in. That’ll be that then, and you can come home and finish owt you haven’t done for Billy’s arrival home the next day.’
There was nothing she could say. The last thing she wanted was to take Richard to the station – to see him off, to stand and wave as he disappeared – but what objection could she possibly come up with? It stood to reason, as Megan and her dad would have a lot to see to, so they’d not have time. ‘All right, Dad, that’s fine. I’ll be there in the next half-hour. See you then.’
Part of her jumped into life at the thought of seeing Richard again, but the sensible part of her dreaded it. How would it be? To sit at the table opposite him and make small talk, and to know he was sleeping in the room across from hers?
Sarah was surprised at how relaxed they all were, and how cheerful. She hadn’t expected that. But having enjoyed the first course of Fanny’s delicious oxtail soup, as they tucked into the excellent steak pie the laughter over their memories of some of the things Granna had said and done lifted any morose feelings they’d had. It was exactly how her granna would want them to be.
‘Eeh, I remember once, taking her to meet yer Aunt Hattie for the first time . . .’ Aunt Megan wiped away a tear, put there by her laughter. ‘We stood outside her “house of ill repute”, as you might call it. It were a grand place. The sight of it stunned Issy. She stood a moment with her mouth open, with me embarrassed and afraid as to how she’d think of Hattie, then she turned to me and said: “Eeh, they say as we sit on a pot of gold, don’t they, lass? Well, it looks like it’s right, an’ all.” But then . . . Oh, dear, I can see her now, she winked and said, “Mind, I reckon as I’ve sat on mine too long now – it’s all dried up and won’t be worth nowt!”’ The room erupted. Richard didn’t show any sign of being embarrassed. But then they’d all been subject to Granna’s coarse ways at times – Richard included – so it wasn’t like he hadn’t any idea what was coming.
It took a full five minutes for them to compose themselves, the last of which saw Richard looking at Sarah. She dabbed her eyes as though they needed more attention than they did, just to help her adjust, then went straight into a story of her own. ‘Only a few days before her stroke, Granna had another go at Fanny. She . . .’
By the time Aunt Megan fetched their puddings they were all exhausted, and not a little deflated. Laughing about Granna had helped, but only for a short time, because soon the stories had them all longing for her to be amongst them again – not how she was at the end, but how she used to be.
‘Well, Jack. How about you and I have a brandy and one of those nice cigars you bought in, for the last time we visited? Leave the ladies to do what they have to, eh?’
‘Good idea, Richard. I’m not allowed to touch them when you’re not here. I have to make do with me roll-ups. Mind, I still enjoy a hand-rolled cigarette, even though I could afford sommat better. Let’s be really bad lads and go into what I call the “posh parlour”.’
‘Hmm, are you sure?’
‘Go on with you, the pair of you – taking the rise out of me. Aye, course you can, and me and Sarah might just let the pots grow mould overnight and sit here and enjoy a nice sherry, instead of seeing to them.’
‘Eeh, you’re pushing boat out with that, lass. And if Ma were here she’d join yer, only she’d have more than one.’
Sarah supposed they’d always make references to her granna, but she wondered if there’d ever come a time when it wouldn’t hurt as much. Deep in thought, she hadn’t noticed Richard move towards her. His hand touched the bare skin on her back where the cut of her frock draped, and it was as if someone had put a match to kindling. Her body jumped away, but her heart stayed with his touch.
‘I’m sorry, I – I didn’t mean to startle you. I just felt you needed comfort, and perhaps your old – young – step-uncle could be the one to do it.’
Aunt Megan saved the day. ‘Well next time, little brother, see as you warm your hands. And while you’re at it with your comforting, I reckon as we both could do with a hug.’
With this she came close, and Richard enclosed them both in a cuddle Sarah never wanted to come out of.
Her dad broke it up by saying, in a voice that betrayed how the gesture had moved him, ‘Well, come on, then, lad. Eeh, it were a good omen as brought you to us tonight, when we most needed you. Let’s away and have our brandy.’
Once the men had gone through, Sarah came down to earth. Controlling the longings inside her, she turned to her Aunt Megan. ‘Would you mind if I went up? I’m all in.’
‘You will be, love. Early days of carrying are allus the worst, and it ain’t that long since you were poorly.’
‘I know. It’s hard to think of that time. It scares me an’ all. Me mam lost babbies, and so did Granna, and now me.’
‘Don’t worry, love, as that won’t help owt. We’ll take care of you. Just take it easy. You can stop work and rest all you can – we’ll manage.’
‘No, not yet. I’ll cut me hours, but I’d never get through without being with you and Sally, and Phyllis and Daisy and the rest of them, not with Billy away and everything.’ How those words came to her she didn’t know, for though she felt relief at the realization that she could make a go of things with Billy, and wasn’t filled with the dread she thought every day would hold, being married to him wasn’t what she really wanted. Not what her heart wanted. But then the relieved smile on Aunt Megan’s face was enough to make it all worth it.
‘Come here, lass. You’ve a lot to face. We all have, but know as I’ll do me best to be a mam and a granna to you, and to help you get through. I have a big place in me heart where you’ve sat since you were born. Every day I think how proud your mam’d be of you, and I love you like you were me own.’
Snuggled up in Aunt Megan’s arms, Sarah told her, ‘And I love you an’ all. I love you as if you were me mam, and have done all me life. Thanks, Aunt Megan. Thanks for always being there for me.’
A feeling of being safe entered her. Nothing could happen to her while Aunt Megan’s protection cocooned her. Granna had gone to her rest and deserved the peace she’d found after a long life, but Aunt Megan would be there for her for years and years to come. The thought gave Sarah the comfort she’d felt drained of, since that moment earlier when Granna had taken her last breath.
Crossing the landing to the bathroom the next morning, Richard stopped in his tracks and stood transfixed, as though lightning had struck him. Sarah walked towards him, the contours of her body caressed by the rippling of her silk dressing gown and her hair flowing freely around her shoulders, like he’d never seen it before. The shock of the encounter nearly undid him, as his whole instinct was to open his arms to her. Pain as his clenched fists dug his nails into the soft flesh of his palms didn’t do anything to release the urge to do so. Taking a deep breath, he steadied himself.
‘Good morning. Did you manage to get some sleep?’ He knew she had, by how fresh and bright she looked, but could think of nothing else to say.
‘Aye, I did. I were surprised to find as I had, as I wasn’t expecting to. And you?’
‘After a time of thinking things through, I did, thank . . . Oh, Sarah, I—’
‘No, Richard. We’ve to find a way to live with this. We’ve to put it behind us, thou knows that. There isn’t a way as we can avoid each other, but we can survive it. I’m to give my b
est to Billy, and you will find someone, I’m sure. We can’t put ourselves through this every time we see each other. The strain’s too much to bear.’
Looking at Sarah – so young, so beautiful, and yet with a fragility belying the strength she tried to portray – he felt shame at his actions. To keep declaring his love, and wanting her love shown to him, wasn’t fair on her. She was trying to do the right thing, and so should he. ‘I’m sorry. I promise I will try not to lay my feelings bare again. It won’t be easy, and I may slip up from time to time, but know, Sarah, my love, that even though I behave in the future like you are no more to me than a step-niece, underneath my feelings for you will be as deep as ever and I’ll be there for you. You only have to give me a sign and I’ll be by your side.’
‘I know, but that ain’t how it should be. You should get on with your life, as I can’t ever part from Billy. It wouldn’t be right, and it would cause hurt to me Aunt Megan, and she’s had enough of that in her life.’
Every fibre of him was alert to her, to the extent that he could taste her fear and knew that her staying – and even marrying Billy in the first place – was rooted in that fear, and this frustrated him beyond words. There wasn’t any way he could remove it. He knew what Billy was capable of; God, he couldn’t bear thinking of it, and it angered him that all those around her knew of it and yet had allowed their marriage to happen. It was like they had sacrificed Sarah for the sake of peace, and to keep Billy on an even keel. How could they have done it? Even his mother and father hadn’t counselled against it.
‘I’ll see you at breakfast, Richard. And I’ll be ready to take you into Leeds station whenever you need me to.’
With this she walked past him, vulnerable in her dignity, putting him to shame for his uncontrolled outpourings of forbidden love for her. She belonged to another, whatever the rights and wrongs of that, and was doing her best to fight the love he knew she held for him. He must do the same. But how?
22
Sarah & Richard
A Fateful Goodbye
‘Sarah, you look lovely. That coat suits you so well. I haven’t seen it before.’
Sarah smiled and did a twirl for Richard. It felt safe to do so, as he hadn’t spoken in anything other than a friendly voice. ‘Aunt Megan made it for me. I love it.’ The rich brown coat, calf-length and of the finest wool, was complemented by astrakhan sleeves and collar in a chocolate colour, a couple of shades darker than the coat fabric. As Sarah came out of the twirl, she said, ‘And look, I have a hat to match!’
As she put on the Russian-style hat, Richard drew in his breath. ‘Hold on a mo. I’ll be back.’
‘Where are you going? We’ll be late for the train.’
‘Just don’t move.’
A few minutes later he came back into the room carrying his Box Brownie camera. ‘Stand over there by the window. I have to have a picture of you. That’s perfect.’
Something in her niggled, telling her this wasn’t right, but then what harm could it do?
‘I’ll treasure that. As soon as it is developed, I’ll put it in my wallet and carry it everywhere’
‘Richard, don’t—’
‘Oh, there you are. Me and Megan were looking for you.’ Her dad interrupted her protest. ‘We wanted to say our goodbyes, lad.’ His voice caught in his throat as he shook Richard’s hand. ‘Have a safe journey, and keep yourself safe.’
‘Yes, above everything take care, little brother.’
Sarah smiled. She knew how much it meant to her Aunt Megan to be able to call Richard ‘little brother’, after not even knowing that he existed for most of his life.
‘I will. Now stand by the window, you two. I want a picture of you. I’m going to carry my family with me wherever I go. Old Luftwaffe won’t get me, with all of you protecting me.’
The journey felt like their last, and Sarah knew that was how it must be. Talking didn’t come easily: the weather, the time of his train, how long it would take Richard to get to Leicestershire, the little time he’d have with his mother and father; and, finally, his fears. This last shocked her and rocked her foundations. Richard had always seemed so much older, wiser and more educated than her and Billy, so she’d thought of him for most of her life in the same way she’d thought of all the grown-ups around her: invincible, capable of coping with all that was asked of them, and beyond feeling fear of anything.
‘What I feel,’ Richard said, trying to qualify his statement of being afraid, ‘isn’t a cowardly fear. I’ll do my duty, and in some ways I’m excited about the prospect. I love flying, and I’m good at it. It’s this thing about being ready to die for your country. Everyone seems to put that on us as if it comes naturally to us and we’re all longing to do so, but I’m not. Oh dear, that doesn’t sound right, either. Of course I am, but—’
‘I understand your meaning, Richard. Your fear is of the unknown. If death comes, what will it be like, what will you be like, will you be brave or frightened? I know, cos I’d thought about joining up meself and I had them thoughts. Still have them, even though it’s not possible to go into the forces, with me being married. But it’s like there’s an unknown future for us all. Will we be caught in a bombing raid? How will we cope if anything happens to . . . I mean, none of us knows what that’s going to feel like. And the not knowing has unnerved us.’
‘Yes, that’s the word. That’s how I feel: unnerved. Oh, we’re here.’
His voice held disappointment and matched her own feelings, as for the first time in a long while she’d relaxed in his company and had enjoyed sharing his thoughts and outlook. And there’d been an absence of the tension that now clogged the atmosphere.
When they reached the station, that atmosphere changed. After a silence Richard asked, ‘Sarah, I know I shouldn’t ask this, but will you allow me to kiss you? I know – please don’t be angry. I know I’m breaking my promise to you, but . . . what we’ve been talking of, the possibility of death and never seeing loved ones again, if I could have the memory of what kissing you feels like, I could face that. Because at the moment it happened, I would think of it and take it with me.’
‘Richard! I thought better of you than to try blackmailing me in that way. The answer is no. No, and I’m more than angry with you for asking and trying to put me in a position as I feel guilt at refusing.’
‘Well, I’m not going to apologize. I didn’t mean it as blackmail. I was only asking the woman I love – and who, though denying it, loves me – for what any two people in love share every day. I just wanted it to happen the once, that’s all.’
A giggle came to her at this. This was a side to Richard she’d never seen before, like he was a spoilt child. In some ways it brought him down to her level and made him seem more normal. ‘Come on, I’ll come up to the station with you and, if you’re good, I’ll give you a peck on your cheek and wave you off.’
‘You’re laughing at me.’
‘Yes, I am. And you deserve it an’ all. By, you’ve a side to you, Richard Chesterton. Cheek of you! You ask for what it would be sinful of me to give, then act like you had a right, and all in a way as a child would as couldn’t have his own way.’
‘Is that how I sounded?’ He laughed with her now and the moment of tension lifted. It put them on a better footing – one she felt more comfortable with, and she thought he did too, by the look of the grin on his face. Eeh, she’d take a mental picture of that grin and keep it with her. That way she could bring it to her thoughts whenever she felt the need for him.
Smoke belched out from the engine standing at the platform. Remnant wisps of it floated around them and clung to the inside of the station roof, lingering and giving a nasty taste as it descended, before it dispersed.
Going onto the platform was something she knew she shouldn’t have done, but she had felt compelled to. Around them was the bustle of people, some running after a departing train, others milling around holding hands with loved ones, not talking, just being together. Sarah felt all
her emotions compounded: this was truly a goodbye. Not just for a while, but a severing of their feelings. It had to be.
Any conversation they might have had proved impossible against the chugging of a goods train passing through, and the arrival of another passenger train on the far platform, all against the backdrop of a disembodied voice explaining where the trains were destined for or had come from.
Richard leaned towards her. ‘This is my train. I’ll just put my bags on board, then come and say goodbye.’
Reality hit Sarah. Goodbye . . . God, she was going to be doing a lot of that – they all were.
‘There, that’s that. Well, I’ve come back for that peck you promised.’
The grin was back in place. His eyes sparkled with it. It’s going to be all right. I can do this . . .
But then Richard’s arms were around her, his face close to hers, and his voice, a whisper, brushed her cheek, and she was lost. Held so close to him, the rough material of his uniform chafed her face until his hand lifted it towards his. His eyes had darkened with the intensity of the feeling he held in them. ‘Sarah . . . Sarah.’
Nothing prepared her for his kiss. Had she ever lived before this moment? Had what folk said about the earth moving all been true? Every sound faded. There was no longer any smell or smoke burning her throat. There was just—
‘What the fuck d’yer think you’re doing? Is this it then? When me back’s turned, you two are at it? Fucking let go of her! Didn’t I warn you once . . . You—’
The sudden intrusion stunned her. Billy! Oh, dear God, no! How?
Richard’s body was yanked away from hers. Billy stood in a stance ready to strike out at him. As if in a frozen moment, Sarah could only observe; numerous emotions hit her, leaving her afraid, desperate and confused. Her mind couldn’t explain where Billy had come from. His leave begins tomorrow, doesn’t it?