Tomorrow Brings Sorrow

by Mary Wood

  Her very soul had changed. It had been ripped from her in the form of something beautiful, tiny and so loved, and then torn to shreds by the parting, before being put back together and strengthened by her surviving it all. But for what? To protect her mother? Well, there was to be no more of that. Mother would have to stand up with courage, as all of them had to. Their country and their whole way of life were threatened, and she, for one – unlike her coward of a brother – was going to do something about it. Oh, Terence! How she longed to have him with her, and yet how repulsed she was by what had passed between them.

  Never again. Whatever she had to face in the future, she would face with more than sheer guts. She would face it as her act of contrition. She just had to get through Terence’s wedding to Louise. If she could face the possibility of capture and torture in her new role in SOE, then she had no doubt that she could face the wedding.

  She had never thought he would go ahead with it. Always Terence spoke of being there for her, but as she had said to Derwent, war changes everyone, and it had changed them.

  Terence was different, too, since the birth of her child. He’d been affected just as badly by the parting, which was strange, because he had no reason to love the baby. And yet it had all been as difficult for him as it had been for her, and in being so had created a schism in their relationship. It was one that had to come, she knew that now, but knowing that didn’t make it easier to bear. A part of her had died – a part that would never spark into life again. Her life was given to the cause of her country now, and if that meant laying down her life, she was ready to do so.

  Terence hated himself for what he’d been and how he’d treated people. And now that he was faced with Penny trying to change his mind, his guilt was compounded.

  ‘Penny, you have to understand. There can be no more.’

  ‘But you said you loved me. I gave myself to you.’

  ‘And I do. You are very lovable, but only as a friend. I have asked Louise to be my wife. She is the woman I love. As you know, our wedding is next week. It’s impossible to carry on as we have been doing.’

  ‘Why? You will have to come over here from Tarrington House. You will still manage the farm and we’ll be working together, so why can’t we carry on as we are now? No one has ever caught us.’

  ‘Because I was single then. Now I will be married. I’ll have a family soon and, well, because everything is different now.’

  ‘But when did it change? You always talked as though everything could carry on the same. Me and you, making love whenever we could.’

  He couldn’t tell her what had changed him. The feeling had been so profound, after the child had gone from them, as to give him a sense of honour and, more than that, guilt. Guilt was an emotion he’d thought would never bother him, but now it did. It lay in him as if he had a brick to carry around in his chest – guilt over the child, guilt over Rita, guilt over Penny and guilt over Louise, but none of it came near to the guilt he felt over Theresa.

  Theresa felt it too, he knew that, and he knew their ultimate parting was imminent. If she survived whatever it was she was going to do – and all she’d tell him was that it was highly dangerous and would be carried out in occupied France – they’d never be together again.

  They’d talked. It had been a strained affair. They’d apologized to each other and tried to kindle their love in a different direction, but it hadn’t worked. They both knew the love they had for each other was as deep as it could be, but they both knew, too, that it was wrong. Theresa had always known that, and so the guilt was really his. He’d been so arrogant. He’d pursued the love as if it were legitimate, but it wasn’t. It was vile, what he’d done to her. Vile what he’d done to himself, too. And so the only way was to separate.

  London, she’d said. After the war. That’s where she would settle, and she wanted to see him as little as possible – family dos, that sort of thing, but only when it was compulsory. He’d agreed, knowing she was right.

  Now he had to put the rest of his life in order. He had to stop this affair with Penny, as beautiful as it was. He had to do something about Rita, although he did not know what.

  With his impending marital status, his father was at last going to make over the business to him and a substantial amount of capital, so perhaps he could fund something for Rita when she came out of prison. But that was in the future – for now he had to devote himself to Louise.

  He loved Louise. He hoped she would be everything he needed, and that she would fill the voids that Theresa and Penny would leave in him. He had no way of knowing if she would, as they had conducted their courtship with the utmost propriety, as was befitting of a girl of her standing and his own.

  ‘Well?’ Penny brought him out of his thoughts. ‘You haven’t got an answer, have you? And I don’t think you mean it, either. Come up to the loft with me. Let me show you how I feel about you.’

  ‘No! Look, I’m sorry. I can’t. Something has happened, and it is something I can never discuss with anyone, but you are right when you say I have changed. Can you allow that in me? Can you look on what we had between us as a lovely interlude in both our lives? Something we won’t ever forget, but something we won’t hurt the other with, either?’

  Penny was silent for a long moment. He could see the battle going on inside her, see the pain she was feeling, but he had faith in her goodness and that didn’t let him down.

  ‘You do mean it!’ Her lip quivered. ‘Well, I like Louise, so for her, I will do it. I’ll carry on as if nothing has happened, but I’ll miss you, Terence. I’ve never met anyone like you before. You’ve made me have feelings I never thought to know of.’

  ‘I feel the same, Penny. But thank you for understanding. And I’ll not blame you if you ask for a transfer to another placement.’

  ‘That’s what I was thinking of doing. I could make some excuse. Yes, I think it would be best all round. I should have known. I shouldn’t have been so silly. You didn’t hide the type you were – look how you had that Rita, and she used to say you had your sis—’

  ‘Shut up! That’s preposterous. You know what Rita was like – she said, and did, everything she could to get what she wanted. You should know that, from her ultimate act.’

  Again Penny was quiet, but this time in a defiant way. Her look said that she knew, or believed, something different. He had to be careful. He had to keep Penny on his side.

  ‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped at you. It is all such a sensitive area. I know the lies Rita spread, and the vile accusations she made, but you are above that; and Rita is where she should be.’

  This seemed to do the trick.

  ‘Will you help me get another placement? I’ll need a good reason.’

  ‘Leave it to me, Penny. I’ll be sorry to see you go, but maybe it is for the best. Anyway, you need to get on with the rest of your life. Going away from here might be just the thing for you, and I wish you luck. And, well, thank you. I’ll never forget what we had or what you did for me at the trial. I have an envelope here for you. I hope it helps you to find a good future for yourself.’

  Walking away from her, Terence could still feel her hurt. But his guilt concerning her eased a little. The two hundred pounds he’d given her would see Penny right. It wasn’t a good thing to do, as it cheapened her, but it was the only thing he could think of. In some ways, his old life had been much easier. Being a bad lot took no toll on your emotions. Trying to be one of the good guys did nothing but tear at you in every direction. Well, it was over now. He had to put all of it behind him and, as he’d told Penny to do, he must get on with the rest of his life.

  41

  Jack & Sarah

  New Beginnings

  Jack called out to the horse to stop. The magnificent shire obeyed, but snorted and shook his mane in protest.

  Pressing his hands into the small of his back, Jack straightened up to soothe the ache there. He could ease the pains in his limbs from the physical work on the far
m, but he never thought to do the same with those that fragmented his soul.

  Looking across to the house, he saw an image that would stay with him forever: his Megan sitting on the bench with his ma-in-law. Megan waved. Jack lifted his hand, but let it drop down by his side again as the image faded. She wasn’t there.

  Leaning heavily on the plough, he dropped his head forward. Every day since he’d begun to focus on life again he’d faced a daily battle against the deep-seated horror and devastation that had paralysed him for months. Every hour and every minute he had to try and dispel the scenes playing over and over in his mind. As if they were being shown through a projector, they flickered in jerky movements in his head, putting all the players in place, vividly coloured against a background of red – red everywhere, spurting like fireworks, dripping like a tap that needed a new washer, a flowing river of blood.

  ‘Jack?’

  Dorothy’s voice penetrated the self-destruction that had threatened to engulf him. He turned to see her running towards him, urgency in her pace.

  ‘Are you all right, Jack? I thought . . .’

  ‘I’ll never be all right again, lass.’

  ‘You will. I promise you. It’ll take time, but I’m . . . we’re here for you, Jack, all of us. And there is a future. Your Sarah has cemented that by bringing new life into the world, and by her marrying Richard in a few days’ time.’

  Jack looked into Dorothy’s eyes and saw in their deep violet colour something he couldn’t cope with. And yet part of him was gladdened by it. Though he didn’t want the kind of love he knew she felt for him, he needed it. That kind of love said it forgave everything and would stand by you, no matter what, so he’d take some strength from it, even though he couldn’t give anything back. ‘I know, and you girls are like me saviour. I know you’ve been hit hard by what happened, and especially what happened to young Iris. You came as a four, and now you are three. And the horses an’ all – you all loved them horses as much as I did. But when I hear the three of you giggling over sommat, it’s like there is hope – resilience – and I can take some of that from you.’

  ‘You can, Jack. I – we – have oceans of it to give you.’

  ‘Ta, Dorothy.’

  ‘Here, I’ve brought a billycan with some hot, sweet tea in it, and some butties. Mildred made them. She likes looking after us in that way. She’s a real mother-hen type.’

  ‘Ha, you hadn’t better let her hear you say that. She thinks of herself as a bit of a liberator of women. She were talking to me for ages about political stuff and how the war will show women’s worth, and it reminded me of my Megan – well, Megan thought like that an’ all. She said as women had a role to play in all walks of life, and she proved it too, with running her own business. Her and Hattie, they are – were, I mean – well, Hattie still is – women ahead of their time.’

  ‘There, you see. That’s good, Jack, you talking about Megan. You should, you know, like you do of Issy, because Megan deserves that. Oh, I know it is painful to do so, but the more you do, the easier it will be. And it will bring her to you. Don’t try to shut her out.’

  ‘Eeh, lass, I forget you’ve been through it. We’re akin in that.’

  In remembering this, Jack felt a deeper sense of comfort from being with her. Her words weren’t empty condolences said with the best intentions, but were meant, felt and experienced. Aye, he had a mate in Dorothy – a kind of soulmate, in a way, as she’d travelled the same road he was travelling, though for him this was the second time this kind of agony had visited him, and he wondered at the cruelty of life.

  The day Sarah had dreamed of was upon her. She smiled up at her Aunt Hattie’s reflection in the mirror as she stood behind her.

  ‘Oh, Sarah, lass, you look grand as owt. Like a fairy princess. Eeh, if only—’

  ‘No, don’t say it. There is no if only today, Aunt Hattie. Today we must think of them as all being here. We must make it a day to remember. Just one in a sea of hell that we all survived.’

  ‘Eeh, lass, it gladdens me to hear you say that. And you’re right. They are all here – here in everything we are and have. That frock, it’s cut from the same batch as the one your Aunt Megan made a frock from for your mam, years ago. Megan kept everything, and she put labels on it all. It gives me a headache now, with storage and everything. But that one had written on its label “was used to make a frock for Cissy, 1918, for a social at the Miners’ Club to celebrate the end of the war”. By, it’s pretty, and with it being silk and having such a soft, silvery sheen, it’s perfect for today.’

  ‘Aye, Phyllis has done a grand job of it, and the shawl Daisy has made is lovely. It’s nice to think that material has a link to Megan, too. Daisy told me the label on the cloth was “used for my bridesmaid’s dress when I stood for Cissy and Jack on their wedding day. Given to me by Madame Marie.” That was who Megan worked for when you left the convent, wasn’t it?’

  ‘Aye, Megan loved her placement, and it was where she met your mam. Cissy were a grand lass.’

  ‘I remember her. Which is lovely, as I can picture her in me head and talk to her. I do that with Megan now. By, Megan must have looked lovely in this gold.’

  ‘She did. And, thou knows, that were the first time as your dad really noticed her. Oh, I’m not saying as he fancied her, or owt like that. He loved your mam to the exclusion of all others. But up until then, he’ll admit it himself, he never saw anything in your Aunt Megan. It were sudden, like. He turned to greet your mam and caught a glimpse of Megan all dressed up, and it shocked him at how changed she were. He’d only ever seen her as Cissy’s mate from work.’

  ‘Well, that’s a nice story, and he should never be ashamed of how things turned out. These memories are the ones we must hold onto today. Eeh, I’m so happy. And to think, like Aunt Megan, I’m finally getting the real love of me life.’

  ‘Aye, and dressed in silver and gold, which is how I think of your mam and Megan, as Cissy had hair so light it were like silver, and Megan had golden hair. But both had hearts of gold, and both glowed like silver and always will.’

  ‘Eeh, Aunt Hattie.’

  ‘Aye, lass. We’ve a lot to be thankful for. Our lives were crossed by such good ’uns as Megan and Cissy, and Issy and my Harry, and many more. God rest their souls.’

  ‘You’ve never told me much about Arthur, thou knows. I know as it ain’t my business, but . . . well, it is all a mystery to me. And why isn’t he coming today?’

  ‘Well, it’s a long tale, but Arthur was my first and – now this is going to sound reet bad – but me only real true love, in the sense of how Richard is to you. And yet I loved Harry, I did, and it wrenched me heart to lose him. Am I making any sense?’

  ‘Aye, you are. And now Arthur is back in your life.’

  ‘He is, but it isn’t proper as we should be together. Harry’s not gone yet. He still has a big place in me. But, thou knows, we have his blessing. Look, it’s all too much of a long story to tell right now, but one day I will. Just to say that once a year has passed and I’m feeling in a more comfortable place with everything, then me and Arthur will be together. He has asked me to be his wife. I don’t know if you know, but he is a lord. Well, anyroad, he’s giving up all that peerage stuff and we’re going to live just outside of Leeds. He’ll support me in me businesses and carry on advising on Megan’s, though. Oh, well, that’s all for another day.’

  ‘I know what you are thinking, Aunt Hattie, and I am in agreement, as I know Dad will be. Any time you are ready to make us an offer for Megan’s business, the whole lot is yours and we’ll be glad to be rid of it. We know it couldn’t go to anyone better.’

  ‘Ta, lass. I didn’t know how to approach you, but now I can make plans. Phyllis and Daisy are going to be full partners in that side of the business, so that would have pleased Megan an’ all.’

  ‘Aye, and me. I’m so glad they’ve come down to Market Harborough for today. It’s good that as many of us as can be are together. It c
omforts me.’

  ‘I know, lass.’ The door opening interrupted them, and Sally walked in. Aunt Hattie made light of the situation by making a joke. ‘By, look at this, another princess! We have the full set now. Sally, love, you look a picture.’

  ‘Always the bridesmaid.’

  ‘Naw, love. Eeh, come here. You will have your day, I know you will. Mark will come round. He’s a strong lad. He’ll wake up, and the first thing he’ll do is ask you to marry him, you’ll see.’ Standing up and taking Sally in her arms, Sarah held her close. ‘Eeh, Sally, ta, love. I’d have understood if you’d have said as you couldn’t stand for me, thou knows.’

  ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean—’

  ‘Eeh, don’t be. I know what you mean. But you have to have faith, love. Aunt Hattie’s right. Mark will make it – he will.’

  As if on cue, Granny Bridget came through the door. ‘Sally, Sally, lass.’ It is funny how, when she’s excited or sad, Granny Bridget reverts to her Yorkshire accent. ‘There’s a phone call . . . it – it’s Mark!’

  Sally hurried down the stairs, her head refusing to let her thumping heart believe that the miracle had happened. Mark able to talk to her on the phone! She never thought the day would come. Grabbing the receiver from Edward, all she could say was, ‘Oh, Mark.’

  But Mark stopped her from saying anything further, as in a faltering voice he said, ‘Sally, I – I’m not . . . the man I was.’

  ‘You are, my darling. Inside, you are. Nothing can be at changing that. I love you, Mark. You’re me world.’

  ‘Oh, Sal, I – I love you.’

  She didn’t comment on the sob, but felt it mingle into her own tears. ‘Mark, something wonderful is happening today. Richard and Sarah are getting married! They couldn’t wait, not with how things are, and we none of us knew if—’

  ‘It’s all right, it – it’s wonderful n – news. Mother told me. And it – it means you were there when I phoned. I didn’t kn – know how I was going to – to contact you. Sally, I . . . I can’t see.’