All the Wounds in Shadow

by Anise Eden

  “Of course. And I’m glad to hear that you’re so at ease with the situation. But that leaves me even more confused as to why you’d think dating a civilian would be an issue for me.”

  “Well, because if you want to talk about secret military stuff, who will you talk to?”

  “Pete,” he said, as though the answer were blindingly obvious.

  “Oh.” I paused to absorb that information. “So I’ll have to share you with Pete.”

  “Yes,” Ben said, “something you can commiserate about with Kai. Similarly, I’ll have to share you with Simone, your mother’s family, and anyone else with whom you might share confidential information, or common history and interests that you don’t share with me.”

  “Oh,” I said again. That actually made some sense. My blush deepened as I remembered how little experience I actually had with relationships. “That won’t bother you?”

  “Not at all. You have friends, family, and colleagues; I can’t replace them, nor would I want to. And the same is true in reverse. I don’t expect you to be everyone to me—just the most important person in my life.”

  My heart skittered. “The most important…?”

  “Yes. Believe me, that will be more than enough.”

  I wondered if Asa was biting his nails as much as I longed to. “And it won’t bother you that I’m soft and have poor self-discipline and don’t follow orders—basically that I’m the opposite of all of those Marine Corps-type things?”

  “Why would I mind? Those are some of your most charming qualities.” With a touch of sensuality, he added, “Especially the ‘soft’ part.”

  I suddenly felt feverish. “Really?”

  “Mm-hmm.”

  I remembered with a combination of arousal and chagrin how easily he’d pinned me during our play wrestling match the week before. “You know, even though I’m soft, I would like to win at wrestling sometime.”

  “Of course. Just tell me ahead of time.”

  “And you’ll let me win?” Asa couldn’t hide my surprise in his voice.

  “Naturally, if you wanted me to.”

  As I relished the image of Ben pinned beneath me, he added, “For a while, anyway.”

  Then I pictured myself pinned beneath him. Suddenly, I felt like I was broiling under a hot sun. “Um, Ben?”

  “Yes?”

  “Can I have some water? My mouth just went dry.”

  “Oh, I’m sorry.” His voice grew tight with concern. “I’d give you some, but I want to get Dr. Washington’s approval before feeding you anything. I’ll find him.” He took my hand. “Is there anything else before I go?”

  “You’re sure you won’t be… upset if Sid comes?”

  “The last thing you should be worried about right now is what might upset me.”

  “Well I’m going to worry about it anyway, so you might as well answer the question.”

  There was another pause, and I hated that I couldn’t see his face. “What upsets me is that I can’t snap my fingers and make you well. If it turns out that Sid is the best solution we have, he’ll get nothing but gratitude from me.”

  I hoped Asa was narrowing his eyes at Ben. “That doesn’t really answer my question.”

  “Maybe not,” Ben said sternly, “but you need to stop worrying about other people and focus on getting well. Speaking of which, I’ll go find Dr. Washington and see about that water for you. Kai will be coming in to take Asa out of his trance. I’ll be back soon. Try and rest in the meantime, okay?”

  Hit by a sudden blast of frustration, I asked, “How did Braz do it?”

  “Do what?”

  “Have all of his thoughts broadcasted without sounding like an idiot.”

  Ben’s kiss sizzled on my forehead. “You do not sound like an idiot. And as much as I hate you being in this condition, I am thoroughly enjoying hearing Cate unplugged. So to speak.” I heard him walk over and open the door. “Kai? We’re done for now.”

  As Kai came in and started his work with Asa, the Benadryl hit me. I managed one last “Goodnight!” before Asa’s mind and mine were decoupled and the curtain of sleep draped over me once more.

  Chapter Sixteen

  ParaTrain Internship, Day Four

  I heard voices coming from far away.

  “What do you mean, he’s being held by the FBI? For what?”

  “On suspicion of terrorism. They said they got a tip from someone at the CIA.”

  I must be dreaming, I thought. I have to stop watching so many spy movies.

  “Bastards. Anglerfish, right?”

  “We think so. It’s because we’ve got Jennifer. We expect him to contact us about making some kind of deal.”

  “Can’t we just explain the situation to the FBI? How did they even know about Sid?”

  Sid? What about Sid? It sounded like Ben and Skeet speaking in hushed tones, trying not to be overheard. I hope I wake up soon, I thought. This dream is getting freaky.

  “They must have photographed Cate at the newsstand and done a background check on her, found out who she’s close to. We told the FBI that Sid is known to us and is not a threat, but the FBI isn’t going to release him just on our say-so. They’ll at least have to do an investigation, and who knows how long that will take.”

  With dread, I began to suspect that I was awake, after all. My heart pounded in my ears.

  “Are you getting any useful information out of Jennifer?”

  “Yeah, she’s cooperating bit by bit. She’s clearly in pieces over what she did to Braz, although she hasn’t confessed yet. She did say that they were under orders to eliminate anyone who found out about their operation. Braz was right about her. If we can guarantee her safety, she wants out of the CIA. We can’t keep her safe, though, until we catch the other three.”

  I tried to open my eyes, to speak, to move. Oh yeah, I remembered in slow-motion horror, I’m paralyzed. Fingers of panic tightened around my throat. Had something happened to Sid?

  “Something’s wrong,” I heard Skeet say.

  “She must be awake,” Ben said. I felt a hand on my forehead. “Cate, it’s Ben. It’s okay. I’m here. Pete, could you put that in her IV?”

  No, not again! I didn’t want to be drugged. I didn’t want my senses dulled. I wanted to know what the hell was going on! Nonetheless, I heard the clomp of Pete’s cowboy boots next to my head as he carried out Ben’s instructions. Pete murmured, “I wonder how much she heard.”

  “We better get Kai and Asa in here.” Ben stroked my hair. “Cate, we’ll be able to talk to you in a few minutes, okay? In the meantime, everything is fine. Try to relax.”

  Relax? Was he insane? I fought to move like a caged tiger, but my body was completely uncooperative.

  “Cate, Ben’s right, you should try to relax,” Skeet said. “It’s not good for you to let yourself get worked up like this.”

  Not let myself get worked up? Who the hell did he think he was? A stream of vile obscenities tore through my mind, and I was glad for the moment that Asa wasn’t in my head yet. I heard the door open. Multiple pairs of footsteps entered. Then Kai said, “We’ll get set up.”

  I knew no one would hear me, but I mentally cried out, “What happened to Sid?”

  “Ow, my head!” Asa moaned. “Geez, Cate, hang on, will you? She wants to know what happened to Sid. She’s thinking very loudly.”

  Inwardly, I winced. I didn’t mean to give Asa a headache. As far as I knew, up until then, he’d had to focus on a specific person in order to read their thoughts; I hadn’t believed he would actually “hear” me.

  Pete chuckled. “Eavesdroppin’ again, sis?”

  “Ow, Cate! Stop, please,” Asa begged. “She says, ‘Very funny.’ She’s pointing out that you were talking in her room, and she had no way of letting you know that she was awake, so it doesn’t count as eavesdropping.”

  “Cate, what are you trying to do to the poor boy?” Kai sounded as alarmed as I felt. “Try to control yourself!”

&nb
sp; I hadn’t even purposely directed that last thought that at Asa; he had just picked it up somehow. Guilt made my skin flush even hotter. I tried to quiet my mind.

  Ben’s voice was firm. “Cate, please. Try to wait until Asa can get into his trance. Everyone, stop talking and let them concentrate.”

  I heard Ben murmur something in a low tone. Then Skeet said, “Right. I’ll leave you to it.” I heard the door open and close and felt a sense of relief that Skeet was gone. I didn’t want him there when Asa was channeling me, just in case I had any less than diplomatic thoughts about Skeet or his research.

  I focused all of my efforts on trying to quiet my mind as bodies arranged themselves around the room. Then, blessedly, I heard the sound of the Tibetan singing bowls.

  Time seemed to drag. I had to resort to mentally chanting “om.” Finally, I felt Asa’s consciousness nestle in beside mine again. I sent him an apologetic feeling, hoping that he would receive it. Then Kai said the magic words: “To whom am I speaking?”

  “It’s me, Cate!” Relief flooded me as I heard Asa speak my thoughts again. “And I wasn’t eavesdropping! I thought I was dreaming part of the time, but did you say that something happened to Sid?”

  “Sid is fine,” Ben said with a bit of an edge, and I realized that he might not be thrilled that I was showing so much concern for my ex-lover. “He’s in FBI custody, but we’ve seen to it that he’ll get the VIP treatment while he’s there. Apparently our CIA friends are playing dirty. They figured out that he’s of value to us, and we have Jennifer in our custody. We’re expecting them to try to make some kind of deal.”

  “But Sid has nothing to do with this!” I cried out. “Did you say they were holding him on suspicion of terrorism? He’s the furthest thing from a terrorist, for God’s sake!”

  “We know that,” Ben said, his voice growing harder. “We told the FBI that he’s a friend of ours, that the anonymous tip they got about him is bogus, and that he’s being used as a pawn. They have to investigate the tip, but of course they won’t find anything. Meanwhile, at least Sid is safe while he’s with them. We put a guard on his family, as well—secretly, of course. We also contacted his parents and told them that Sid is doing a top secret job for us so that they wouldn’t worry.”

  “That was thoughtful of you, but they’re going to worry anyway,” I muttered. “Ben, if any of them get hurt or in trouble because of me—”

  “That’s not going to happen,” Ben insisted.

  “But if they’re going after people close to me, what about Simone—”

  “We’ve already got eyes on everyone at the clinic and on your mother’s cousin, Ardis, and her family,” he said more softly. “Now, please try to calm down.”

  Once again, I didn’t seem to have much of a choice. The Ativan was blanketing me like a blizzard quieting a city. “Please stop drugging me! I don’t like feeling calm when I know I shouldn’t.”

  Ben laid his hand on my forehead again. “I know. I’m sorry. Like I told you, doctor’s orders. We can’t allow you to get so agitated when your body is in this state, especially since we still don’t know what caused the toxic surge. It’s not safe.”

  I started to feel like that made sense, and everything was going to be okay. Intellectually, though, I knew the feeling was chemically induced. “But if Sid can’t come, then how will we—”

  “Shhh,” Ben said, stroking my hair. “Don’t worry. Vani and Kai have been working on some alternatives. But it would help if we had some sense of what went wrong in the first place. In fact, maybe you can settle a debate for us. Vani thinks there must have been a portal opened between you and Braz. That’s the only reason she can think of that you’d have such a strong reaction to his death.”

  “But I know that’s not possible,” Kai cut in, “because I made your pendant myself, and I know it works. There’s no way you could have accidentally opened a portal while wearing it.”

  “Um….” I wondered if Asa was squirming in his seat. “There was one time when I took the pendant off while I was working with Braz.”

  “You did what?” Kai exclaimed. “Can she feel pain? Because I want to smack her!”

  “No beating up the patient,” Ben said, but he sounded like he was chewing on nails.

  “I had to,” I explained. “In our last session, I had to use the Reiki Talking Symbol technique to overcome his amnesia about Jennifer, and I had to take off the pendant to do Reiki. Then I got wrapped up in what I was doing, and I forgot to put it back on until the end of the session. I didn’t even think about whether I might be opening a portal.”

  Frustration radiated from Ben. “And it didn’t occur to you to tell anyone about this?”

  “Why would it?” I shot back. “I was only using the Talking Symbol technique. That’s not dangerous.”

  “And you know that, because you know everything there is to know?” Ben stood, and I heard him pacing around the room.

  Kai explained in his schoolteacher voice, “Even with the Talking Symbol, if you’re not careful, it’s possible to open a portal between you and your subject. And if you’re with someone at the moment of their death and you have a portal open to them, it can throw a serious wrench into your aura’s natural energetic defenses.”

  “Well, nobody told me that!” I snapped, but my voice was trembling. “You can’t blame me for something I didn’t know. Besides, I was with my mom when she died. I definitely had a portal opened to her, but nothing like this happened.”

  “No,” Kai said, “you just went crazy afterwards.”

  “I did not go crazy.”

  “That’s a matter of opinion.”

  “Enough,” Ben broke in. “Cate, I apologize. I shouldn’t have lost my temper, but you caught me off guard. Why would you use a technique you didn’t fully understand?”

  “I had to make a spur of the moment decision, and I thought I did understand it,” I said, fighting back tears. “And the Reiki worked, by the way, which may be the only reason you have your precious Jennifer in custody, singing like a canary. So in case ‘Thank you, Cate,’ was what you meant to say, you’re welcome!”

  “All right, calm down. At least now we know what the problem is.” I wished more than ever that I could see Ben’s face. “Kai, would you mind sharing this new information with Vani so she can plan the ritual?”

  “Okay, big guy,” Kai said. Then he clip-clipped out of the room.

  After several long moments, I felt compelled to break the tense silence. “Is Kai wearing those stiletto boots again?”

  “Yes, he is,” Ben said. “Good to know that your hearing is unaffected.”

  “I can hear you running your hand through your hair right now.”

  The tension in his voice lessened. “Supersonic hearing, then.”

  With the mood a little lighter, I tried to keep my mind quiet, but a confession stubbornly emerged. “I did hesitate a little before I took off the pendant. But given the pressing need and what I knew about the Talking Symbol, I really thought it would be okay.”

  “I understand. And you’re right; nobody warned you that this could happen,” he said, his voice softening. “We’ve put a lot of responsibility on your shoulders here, and you’ve accomplished more than anyone even hoped was possible. I’m sorry I haven’t said it before, but you have every right to be proud of your work, and I’m incredibly proud of you, as is the rest of the group.”

  A sudden, deep blush made it feel as though my cheeks might burst into flame.

  He continued, “You’re expert in many areas, Cate, but when it comes to the paranormal, at this point in your training, you know just enough to be dangerous. Any time you have a question or feel that hesitation about removing the pendant, you should consult with Kai, Vani, or me.” Ben again sat next to me on the bed and laid the back of his hand against my burning cheek. “I know that asking for help doesn’t come naturally to you, but had you done so in this instance, you probably wouldn’t be lying paralyzed in a hospital bed ri
ght now.”

  “Okay, fine, good grief! You might be right. Partially. About asking for help. But I’m not dangerous!”

  Ben removed his hand from my cheek, and I heard him flicking his fingernail against what sounded like a plastic tube.

  “I am getting enough Ativan!” I snapped.

  “Good,” he said. “We’ll discuss those other issues later. Right now we need to focus on the problem at hand, which is how to get you back to normal so I can kiss you properly.”

  My body chose that moment to swallow. “You seem kind of fixated on kissing me.”

  “I am. Incidentally, they’re keeping Sid in a five-star hotel room, not in a cell somewhere, if that’s what you were afraid of. He’s fine.”

  “I’m glad to hear that,” I said, somewhat relieved. “Thank you. But still, this has got to be a nightmare for him. I mean, he’s Iranian-American. He’s dealt with suspicion his whole life, and now this.”

  “Don’t you have a portal open to him?” Ben asked, keeping his tone neutral. “You can check in on him if you need to reassure yourself.”

  “That’s true,” I said, followed by, “Mary had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow.”

  “What?”

  “And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.”

  Kai clip-clipped back into the room. “Vani has been duly told about the impulsive pendant removal incident.”

  “Thanks, Kai,” Ben said, distracted. “Cate? Are you okay?”

  “What’s wrong with her?”

  “She just started quoting nursery rhymes out of nowhere.”

  “That’s because I’m trying not to think about certain things!” I explained. “Lalalala!”

  “Ah,” Ben said crisply. “Sid, you mean. All right. We’ll leave you alone to portal-check him.”

  “No,” I pleaded, “don’t leave like that.”

  Kai scolded, “Benjamin, you had better not be acting like a jealous teenager. Say something nice to the girl before we leave.”

  There was a pause during which I imagined Ben was glaring at Kai. Finally, Ben spoke softly. “Cate, I want you to do whatever’s needed to put your mind at ease.”