Katie Opens Her Heart

by Jerry S. Eicher

  “Sit down,” Mamm said. “We need to talk.”

  Katie drew in a long breath and sat down.

  “I assume you had a gut night.” Mamm smiled but the effort looked forced.

  Katie nodded, saying nothing. Mamm was sure using different methods on her lately. Some of them hurt more than the old ones had. Apparently there was no lecture coming, so Jesse must already be teaching Mamm the best way her daughter could be “won back to the faith.” “Mamm, if you’re worried about me leaving the Amish, I’m not planning on that.”

  “That’s gut,” Mamm said. “But that’s not what I want to talk to you about.”

  Katie looked up with a startled expression on her face. “Has something happened?”

  Mamm’s smile was pained. “Not unless you count my planned wedding to Jesse Mast.”

  Katie looked confused. “You already have my approval.”

  “That’s not it either,” Mamm said. “I’d like you to come with me Tuesday night when I visit with Jesse’s family.”

  Katie groaned. “I was hoping you’d go alone, Mamm. They hate me.”

  Mamm sighed. “They don’t hate you, Katie. They don’t really even know you…or me for that matter. I’ve already met the oldest girl, Mabel, and I think she’s more heartbroken over losing her mamm than anything else.”

  “I can’t do this.” Katie stood. “Once you’ve said your marriage vows with Jesse—if you get it done and we move in—that’s one thing. Before that, they’ll eat me alive.”

  Mamm tried to smile. “I know this is hard, Katie, but it’s the least you can do for me.”

  “Mamm, please,” Katie begged. “I’m too scared. And it’s even worse now that I know how nice some folks can be.”

  Mamm looked pale. “How can my daughter say such things about her own people?”

  “Mamm, please.” Katie moved closer, touching Mamm’s arm. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think how that would sound. And I have been treated nicely by many of our people in the community—just not by the young people.”

  Mamm sighed. “You’ve let awful things enter your heart, Katie. Our young people love you. Don’t doubt the love of our people. And look how Da Hah sent me your daett to love me and now Jesse. How then can you run away from us, Katie?”

  “I’m not running away,” Katie protested.

  “I wish you would come back to us, Katie,” Mamm whispered. “It’s still not too late.”

  So this was, after all, about persuading her to give up the Mennonites. Katie shook her head. “I’m still going back. I’m not like you, Mamm. I know you were a better person than I am, but I can’t do anything about the way I am.”

  “Katie…” Mamm stood to take Katie in her arms. “I don’t mean that at all. And I didn’t mean to bring up the Mennonites tonight. I guess I just keep slipping back there.”

  Katie didn’t say anything, allowing her head to rest on Mamm’s shoulder. It felt gut, but she wasn’t a little girl any longer. She was growing up. Pushing away, Katie sat down again.

  Mamm held on to her arm. “Please, Katie. Come with me when I visit Jesse and his children. It would be so much easier for me if I weren’t alone, and also easier for you in the long run. You don’t want the wedding to arrive without knowing Jesse’s children better.”

  Put that way, it made perfect sense, Katie thought. Only it didn’t make perfect sense. When someone didn’t like you, nothing made sense. But Mamm wanted her to go, and she really couldn’t turn her down. And where was her faith that Da Hah could and would work things out?

  Katie nodded. “Okay, I’ll go with you.”

  “Oh thank you, Katie!” Mamm give her another big hug.

  Katie squeezed her back this time.

  Mamm finally let go, saying, “Gut night then. Remember, I love you.”

  “Gut night,” Katie replied, finding her way upstairs in the dark. She lit a match and transferred the flame to her kerosene lamp. She sat down on the bed in the flickering light and stared out the window at the stars. They twinkled brightly back at her, seeming to smile out of the heavens. What a sorry ending to a beautiful evening, Katie thought. Not that Mamm was to blame. The trip to Jesse’s house would weigh heavy on anyone’s shoulders. But it would have been nice to come home tonight and spend the rest of her waking moments thinking about her fun evening before drifting off to sleep.

  Now she was going to lie here and worry about how horrible things would be when they arrived at Jesse’s place. They would sit in Jesse’s living room with all of his children gathered around. They would be staring at Emma Raber’s daughter from a close range. No doubt Mamm would have the worst of it, since she was Emma Raber. How in the world did Mamm plan to become these children’s mamm?

  But Katie had problems of her own to figure out. When Mamm married Jesse, she would have to move with Mamm to Jesse’s house. Such a move would change so much, and in ways that couldn’t be anticipated. For one, what was to become of her new life among the Mennonites? Could she still attend the gatherings? Would she still get to see Margaret and Sharon once in awhile? Yet she couldn’t spend all her life around Margaret and Sharon. Life moved on, and so would Margaret and Sharon.

  So what were her plans beyond enjoying her time with the Mennonite youth? Would she marry one of their boys someday? The thought sent shivers of fear up and down her spine. She’d often wondered what it would be like to make a boy happy, to see love shining out of his eyes for her. But never in her wildest imaginations had he been a Mennonite. If she joined the Mennonites she would have to change her dress, throw away her kapp, and buy a car. Katie stared at the flickering light. And she would have electric lights in the house, the kind Esther’s mamm and daett had, which were turned on by a switch somewhere. She hadn’t touched any of them, but she’d walked past them. Could she live in a house that had power from the outside world flowing through the wiring in the walls?

  Katie shivered. Nee, that was a little too much to even imagine. Perhaps it was gut that Mamm had spoken with her tonight, and that she’d agreed to go along to Jesse’s place. That way her options were still open either way. Perhaps by some miracle Jesse’s children would like her, and she could have brothers and sisters of her own. Was that not what she’d wanted for years? It was, Katie told herself before she blew out the light. She would try hard next week to be nice to Jesse’s children. She would tell them “hi” just like the Mennonite youth told everyone “hi.” Jesse was a gut man. She’d always thought so. And perhaps Da Hah was bringing this thought to comfort her so she would help Mamm with Jesse’s children. Mamm would need all the help she could get.

  Katie slid under the covers and tossed and turned for a long time. She should get out of bed and pray, Katie thought. But she was too tired from the long evening. She would just trust that Da Hah was still guiding her life, and He had a plan for her that was more wunderbah than she could envision. With a slight smile on her face, Katie dropped off to sleep.

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  The following Sunday morning Katie sat beside Mamm in the buggy as they drove toward Bishop Miller’s place for the morning services. Ahead of them other buggies had appeared on the road, all going the same direction. Mamm slapped the reins as hoof beats and the rattle of a fast-approaching buggy came from behind them.

  “He won’t try to pass you,” Katie told Mamm after a quick glance back. “It’s Joe Helmuth and his sisters.”

  Mamm smiled and relaxed. True to Katie’s prediction, the sound of Joe’s buggy wheels decreased as he kept his distance. If this had been Ben Stoll, Katie thought, he would have shown no such restraint. Ben would have raced around them even though they were within a hundred yards of where church was being held. Ben was a wild one, but her heart still beat faster on Sunday mornings at the thought of him. Had Ben really waved to her the other day? Or had that been an imagining of hers? The memory seemed foggy and distant now.

  Katie glanced sideways at Mamm and pushed thoughts of Joe and Ben out of her mind. Ma
mm couldn’t possibly know what she was thinking, and there was no need for thoughts of boys to flutter around in her brain right now. She would see both of them before an hour had passed, seated across Bishop Miller’s living room from her.

  What she should be thinking about was the upcoming Tuesday evening when they were scheduled to visit Jesse’s family. It would not be an easy time, that was for sure. Likely the upcoming visit was the reason for Mamm’s tense look all morning. That and the kafuffle on Friday night about her running around with the Mennonites.

  Nothing had been settled because nothing could be settled, Katie told herself. She would simply have to wait and see what happened. Mamm, on the other hand, was not waiting on anything. She was pushing full-steam ahead with her plans to say marriage vows with Jesse.

  At least the decision to marry Jesse was no longer about her, which was gut. Mamm was falling in love—if Katie didn’t miss her guess, though even Mamm seemed unaware of the fact. Regardless, that would make the sting of pain all the worse if Jesse’s children didn’t accept her. Katie would have to help Mamm by praying about this.

  Mamm pulled back on the reins and turned into the driveway. The buggy stopped before they arrived at the end of the sidewalk leading into Bishop Miller’s washroom, where they waited for the other buggies to unload the womenfolk. Mamm guided their horse to the row of buggies by the barn.

  Mamm’s continued relationship with Jesse was raising hope in her own heart, Katie decided as she climbed down from the buggy. Katie pressed her lips together as she unhooked the tug on her side of the buggy. There was no sense in crying here in public, even if no one noticed. It wouldn’t help the situation. But she couldn’t keep the thoughts from going on. What if Jesse really succeeded in his plan, and they could all be one happy family? She would have a daett and brothers and sisters. Wasn’t that what she’d wanted for so long? Her friendship with Margaret and Sharon might be the foreshadow of what was coming. Katie held the buggy shafts as Mamm led the horse forward. Katie decided again she had to stop thinking about this right now. She forced herself to smile as Bishop Miller’s oldest boy, Eben, came running up to take their horse. He looked tired this morning.

  “Gut morning,” Eben said to Mamm as he grabbed the reins to lead the horse away.

  “Thank you,” Mamm told him.

  “You’re welcome,” Eben hollered over his shoulder as Katie followed Mamm toward the washroom. Always someone came for their horse—every Sunday morning. Usually it was one of the boys at whose home the church service was being held. But if the daett of the home had no older boys, someone still came. Emma Raber and her daughter, Katie, were a fixture that belonged in the bracket of those who needed help on Sunday mornings. Everyone knew it. That was something that belonging to Jesse’s family would also change.

  Katie held her head up, her kapp straight out as they crossed the open lawn in front of the men. They joined the line of women at the sidewalk. Katie kept smiling, thinking happy thoughts. She might be Emma Raber’s daughter right now, but last night she’d been Katie, laughing and talking with people who saw her for who she really was—a human being in whose heart beat the same hopes and fears as everyone else’s.

  “Gut morning,” Wilma Troyer whispered to Mamm. Her eldest daughter, Lizzie, nodded to Katie. Katie returned her smile. Lizzie had to be around fourteen years of age, and she wasn’t with the Amish youth group yet. Hopefully, Lizze would never learn that she was Emma Raber’s daughter and wasn’t worth paying attention to.

  Katie moved forward with the line of women, following Mamm toward the washroom door and keeping her head down. Dark thoughts were tormenting her. If Mamm had remarried five years ago, or even two years ago, perhaps there would have been a chance for things to improve. But it was too late now, Katie thought. She was too old. And Jesse’s children would never accept her as one of their own. Even if they did, she would be an old maid before anyone else noticed. That was simply the way it went with people’s reputations in the community. Such things moved at the speed of the icy glaciers the eighth-grade students had studied.

  Katie’s faith was struggling this morning, and she had to stop doubting. “Please help me, dear Hah,” Katie whispered silently. “I don’t want to give in to despair.” Wilma was holding the screen door for Mamm. When she arrived, Katie shook her head as Wilma motioned for her to follow Mamm.

  “I’ll hold the door,” Katie whispered. Wilma smiled and followed Mamm instead. Katie held the door for them, undoing her shawl once she was inside the washroom and adding it to the pile on the table. Mamm had already gone into the kitchen, and Katie followed when she was ready. Peace was coming over her heart again, and she offered to shake hands with a few of the girls near the kitchen sink before slipping in with the line of unmarried girls. Moments later the older women began moving toward the living room. Katie stayed with the girls her own age, keeping her head down as they walked in front of the already-seated younger boys.

  Moments later one of the men shouted out a song number, and the singing began. The bishop waited for the first line of the song to finish, before leading the way upstairs for the minister’s Sunday-morning meeting. Katie stole a glance at the line of seated older boys in front of her. Most of them had their eyes on their songbooks. A few were leaning forward in concentration. She spotted Ben Stoll’s distinct profile, and for long moments she watched him. What if Ben noticed her this morning? she wondered. What if he actually looked at her? What would she do? Pass out? Her heart was pounding already. It couldn’t happen, could it? That wave from the buggy had been nothing but a fluke, Katie told herself. She looked back down and kept her eyes fixed on the songbook page.

  A few minutes later, Katie wondered what Ben was doing. Glancing her way, perhaps? She just had to check. What if Ben chose this very moment to look up and notice her and she missed it? A few of the other girls were stealing quick glances across the room, and some of the boys she could see had their heads up. Still, she didn’t look all the way to Ben’s place on the bench. By the time the ministers returned from their meeting upstairs and the first sermon began, Katie took a deep breath and gathered her courage. She peeked across the room just as the minister rose to begin his sermon. His voice thundered through the whole house. Katie’s gaze found Ben at once. He was smiling to someone on the bench of girls, but his gaze came her way almost at once. It was as if he’d been waiting for her to look his way, Katie thought. She gave him the sweetest smile she could muster. She could hardly breathe as a little smile played on Ben’s face. He’d noticed her, Katie told herself as she quickly looked at the floor again. Ben Stoll knew she existed! Da Hah had given her a sign! She knew He had. He was going to make everything turn out okay.

  So what did the other problems in her life matter? Questions like how long her friendship with Margaret and Sharon would last or was Mamm really going to marry Jesse would be answered. What if Jesse’s children never liked her? Why should she wonder if she’d someday have to join the Mennonites and turn on electric lights and take out a driver’s license? She wasn’t going to worry about any of those things.

  But she mustn’t let her obsession with Ben get out of hand, Katie told herself. She had surely matured lately, and she had other friends who loved her now. And there were also Mamm’s warnings over the dangers of giving a man attention who might never truly return them. Still, today was almost too much to believe. Taking a deep breath, Katie forced herself to listen to the minister’s sermon.

  “Da Hah is a great and terrible Gott,” the minister was saying. “He remembers the sins of the fathers to the third and fourth generation, but He also has mercy unto a thousand generations.”

  Katie stole another quick peek at Ben Stoll, but he was looking at the minister now. One smile was enough for today, she told herself. Da Hah was having mercy upon them all. Not just on Mamm, but on her also. She would get down on her knees when she arrived home this afternoon and not stop thanking Him for a very long time.

  Chapter
Forty

  On Tuesday night, Katie sat nervously in her side of the seat as Mamm drove the buggy toward Jesse’s place. They had both buggy doors pushed open to allow the air to flow over their faces. The evening sun had almost set, and the shadows were stealing fast across the land. They’d eaten supper at the house before leaving, even though Katie had managed to get down only a few bites. She was more nervous than she ought to be. Her joy from Ben’s smile on Sunday was still with her, but reality was also present. Whatever happened tonight, Da Hah would surely supply His grace. She was sure of that, but that didn’t mean the journey or what was going to take place would be easy.

  Mamm was quiet as she drove. In fact, she hadn’t really said much for some time now. It was as if the two women had said all there was to say between them and were now waiting for the storm to descend upon their heads. And there would be a storm tonight. Katie was also sure of that. Mamm knew it too, and yet she was driving straight into the troubled winds with her face firmly set. It took a certain kind of courage to do that, and Mamm was to be admired for it. She was doing this because it was right. She would do it even if there was pain involved, and even if that pain tore at her heart. And this might tear deep. Mamm was going not just to speak with a man she loved, but with his children who didn’t love her.

  Katie noticed a buggy approaching them. She gasped after she looked closer and saw that it was Ruth Troyer driving toward them. As she passed by, Ruth craned her neck around to glare out her buggy door at them.

  Mamm tried to act like she hadn’t noticed, but her lips were now set in an even straighter line than they had been before.

  “Mamm,” Katie said, reaching over to touch her arm, “I’m with you. And Da Hah will help us even if it hurts a bit.”

  “I know,” Mamm said.

  “You must love Jesse a lot,” Katie said.

  Mamm smiled. “I’m not sure about that, but I can no longer tell myself that I can just walk away from such a decent man. I’ve been without a husband for too long, Katie. And you have been without a daett. I’m sorry for the way I’ve been these years since your daett died.”