Playing With Trouble

by Chanel Cleeton

  My phone rang and I stared down at the display, not in the mood to talk to anyone right now. I needed the space to work through how I felt, needed some time to get my head on straight.

  Jackie Calling.

  I hit reject, feeling more than a little guilty. I’d call her back later after I’d fully processed the C-pluses. If I ever fully processed the C-pluses.

  My phone beeped, letting me know I had a voice mail. I ignored it.

  My phone rang again.

  Jackie Calling.

  I hit reject again.

  A minute later—

  Jackie Calling.

  I frowned and hit accept.

  “Hey. Is everything okay?”

  “You’re in Capital Confessions,” Jackie answered by way of greeting, her voice sounding like she’d just run a race.

  Confusion filled me.

  “Yeah, I’ve been in it a lot lately. What does it say this time?”

  “They know about Gray.”

  My stomach dropped.

  “What do you mean, they know about Gray?”

  There was no way anyone could know about Gray. We’d spent winter break holed up in his home. We didn’t go out together. Not even to the freaking grocery store. Nowhere. And yeah, we’d had sex in his office, but unless there were cameras in there, I didn’t see how anyone could have found out. We’d been careful. Jackie and Kate were the only people I’d told about him, and I knew he never would have said anything.

  “What do you mean, they know about Gray?” I repeated, panic clawing at my throat, ripping me open.

  “They printed his name in Capital Confessions. It’s bad. Really bad. They know about his time in rehab, his divorce, all of it. It’s all in there. I’m so sorry, Blair.”

  For a moment, I couldn’t speak. I closed my eyes, watching my dream die. I should have known this would happen, that it was impossible for me to keep my private life private. I should have known that eventually my notoriety would rub off on him.

  “Do you still have any contacts at Capital Confessions?” I asked.

  Jackie hesitated for a beat. “The editor, Sean, and I didn’t exactly end on good terms, but I can reach out to him. Do you want me to try to find out how they got the story?”

  “Yes.”

  “I’m on it.”

  I hung up the phone after thanking her, my hands, voice, shaking.

  I pulled up Capital Confessions on my phone, the tremor spreading throughout my limbs. This was the worst fucking thing that could have happened. How the hell had they found out about Gray and me?

  My heart pounded as I waited for the site to load. And then it did and I died.

  THE PRINCESS AND THE PROFESSOR!!

  Fuck.

  There were pictures of us—not together—but pictures just the same. I skimmed the article, my heart sinking with each word.

  Oh my god.

  Jackie hadn’t been kidding. It was bad. Really, really bad. Someone had clearly done their research, because they knew everything—his divorce, the implosion of his legal career in Chicago, rehab . . .

  My heart shattered.

  I escaped the whole thing pretty much scot-free. There were quite a few references to my father—my parents were going to be so fucking pissed—and the casual mention that I’d run out on my own wedding last year. But the brunt of it, the worst parts, were all about Gray.

  Fuck.

  My hands trembling, I called him, trying to remember what he’d said his schedule was like today. My brain lagged as white noise reigned supreme. I couldn’t think past those words on my screen.

  Was he teaching? Fuck.

  He didn’t answer.

  I left a message begging him to call me and followed up with a text.

  Just as I’d hit send, my phone erupted.

  Texts. Calls. Numbers I recognized, others I didn’t.

  This was the start of the media shitstorm that would descend around all of us. Students walked by, phones in hand, nudging each other as they looked at me.

  Fuck.

  I grabbed my bag, pulling out a pair of oversized dark sunglasses and shoving them on my face, and headed home to deal with this latest crisis.

  Gray

  I’d lost my 3L class sometime in the last fifteen minutes.

  It had started in the back with a group of students who were definitely chatting on their computers, despite their attempts to pretend otherwise. Slowly I watched, lecturing from the front of the room, while their inattention spread throughout the class like a ripple.

  Soon, attempts to disguise their chatting became less and less practiced, and before I knew it, the class was buzzing with a barely concealed whisper. And instead of hiding the fact that they were all clearly distracted, their gazes kept flickering to me.

  What the fuck?

  And then everyone’s attention, mine included, turned to the knock at the door. We all watched as the dean of the law school interrupted class, walked over to me, and said the nine words that as soon as they escaped his lips, sealed my fate.

  “I need to see you in my office immediately.”

  Nine words. Nine words and I knew—

  The secret was out about Blair and me.

  My mind and body went numb as I gathered my papers, casebook, briefcase, while he excused the class. While I followed him out of the classroom and up to his office. While he shut the door behind us and I faced the weight of my sins.

  I’d fucked up. Utterly. Completely. Again.

  But worst of all, my worst fear had come true—

  I’d dragged her down with me.

  Chapter Twenty-four

  More information keeps coming out about Blair Reynolds’s latest love. Not only was he married before (and we have it on good authority that the divorce was NOT amicable), but apparently he spent some time in rehab getting over a certain white powder . . .

  —Capital Confessions blog

  Blair

  I opened the front door and froze at the sight of Gray standing on my doorstep. He looked how I felt.

  His tie was loose, his suit rumpled, his hair messy. His mouth was pursed in a hard line. His eyes looked tired, like he’d waged a battle and lost.

  “I’m so sorry.” I moved toward him, wrapping my arms around his neck, pulling his body against mine. I held on, holding him to me like I never wanted to let him go.

  I waited for the feel of his arms around my waist, for him to give me his mouth, to kiss me and infuse me with some of the strength I so badly needed.

  He didn’t.

  I pulled back, a new tension entering my body.

  “Do you want to come in?”

  He nodded.

  I moved back, opening the door wider as he walked into the living room, his whole body tense.

  I bit my lip. “Do you want a drink? Water?”

  He nodded again.

  It wasn’t easy to make myself walk to the bar cart and pour our drinks. My hands shook as I fumbled with the glass, my feet feeling like I was wearing lead boots.

  I handed Gray his drink, my hands cold as ice as our fingers touched.

  “Are you okay, all things considered?” he asked, his voice hoarse.

  Better now that he’d actually spoken. “All things considered, yeah. Did you have to talk to the dean?”

  “I quit.”

  My jaw dropped. “What do you mean, you quit?”

  “They were going to suspend me pending an investigation. It wasn’t worth the fight.”

  Oh god.

  “This is all my fault.”

  “It’s not your fault. I knew this would happen. I should have stayed away from you.”

  Dread filled me. I knew what was coming next.

  His voice was hoarse. “I can’t do this anymore.”

  And there it was. This is what I’d been afraid of from the moment I saw that stupid Capital Confessions headline. All along it had been an effort to make him believe we could be good for each other, that he wouldn’t ruin my
life. He had so much doubt inside him, so much pain, and I knew with those words, that he was going to use this as an excuse to run.

  “Don’t do this. Not after everything.”

  “Blair—”

  I grabbed the crystal glass sitting on the table, and hurled it at the wall. We both watched as it shattered, liquid spilling all over the floor.

  His jaw dropped as his gaze darted from the broken glass to my broken heart.

  I fisted my hands on my hips, the anger inside me screaming along with the shattering pain in my chest.

  “You want someone to blame for all of this? Blame me. I know for a fact that there are two other professors dating students at Hannover. No one would give a shit that we were dating if it hadn’t leaked in Capital Confessions. And the only reason it made it into Capital Confessions is because of my family and my father. That’s not your fault.”

  He shook his head, his expression angry. “You don’t get it, do you? If you were dating someone who was right for you, there wouldn’t be anything to put in Capital Confessions. They wouldn’t be talking about my stint in rehab, or my divorce, or any of it. It’s gained this much traction because everyone can see what you can’t. You deserve someone better than me. Someone who doesn’t have this many skeletons in their closet. Someone who can give you more.”

  “I don’t want more. I want you.”

  “Blair—”

  My heart was breaking, but I refused to cry. He was wrong. So wrong.

  I got in his face, some version of myself I’d yet to meet rearing her ballsy head.

  “No. I’m not going to make this easy for you. You want an out, fine. But be a man about it. If you don’t want to be with me, then just tell me that. Don’t try to make this like it’s what’s best for me, because you are what’s best for me. You make me happy. I love you.”

  The second I said the words, his face went white. I’d thought about how I would tell him for a while now, but I hadn’t imagined I would say it in anger in the midst of him breaking up with me.

  “I can’t do this.” There was a plea in his voice as though he wanted me to make this easy on him.

  I didn’t.

  “No, you don’t want to do this. There’s a difference.” My tone dripped with bitterness and anger. “We could deal with it together.”

  He shook his head. “The more attention our relationship gets, the harder it’s going to be for the school to just sweep it under the rug. Nothing we did violates any rules, but the way it looks in the public eye definitely matters. You said it yourself, they’re making a big deal of this because of the Capital Confessions mention. It’s not going to go away.”

  “I’ve dealt with this shit my whole life. This might be new for you, but this isn’t the first time my personal life has been splattered all over gossip columns. Trust me, eventually it will die out. This is D.C. Someone will do something more scandalous than we have. We just have to ride it out.”

  “And what happens to your reputation? How are you going to practice law in this town after everyone knows that you slept with one of your professors? You’re going to hear the whispers everywhere you go.”

  “Newsflash, I already hear those fucking whispers everywhere about a host of things I’m not even responsible for. At least this time if people want to talk about me behind my back, it’s because of something I did as opposed to my freaking last name.”

  “And when you try to get a job after law school?” he countered. “How easy do you think that’s going to be? You don’t want your future to be affected by this.”

  “I hate law school. I don’t even know that I want to be an attorney. I studied my ass off all semester and all I have to show for it is a fucking two-point-five GPA. And you think that I would somehow give up the person I’m in love with for that?”

  His jaw clenched. “It’s not just about law school.”

  “No, it isn’t. It isn’t about me at all.”

  “Blair—”

  “It’s the same fucking thing with you, isn’t it? We keep doing this and it doesn’t change. I thought when we started whatever this is, when it became real, that I could convince you that this was right. That we were right.”

  “When was it real, Blair? When we were sneaking around in my office? When we couldn’t go out in public together for fear that people would find out? Was that when it was real?”

  I fisted my hands, trying to keep my temper in check, all while arrows shot me in the fucking chest.

  “Don’t you dare.” My voice shook with each word, a combination of rage and hurt, making it painful to speak. “Don’t you tell me that what I feel isn’t real. I love you. You don’t get to take that away from me. You want to tell me that you don’t love me back, you want to throw my love back at me, fine. I can’t make you accept it, or make you love me. But do not tell me what I feel. This is real for me,” I shouted.

  He closed his eyes, his jaw clenched, his body braced. “I do love you.” The words were barely a whisper, but they screamed through the gulf between us.

  He leaned forward and I froze. His lips grazed my cheekbone, scalding me. My eyes slammed shut, as if not looking would make this any less real. As if this wasn’t what I knew it to be—

  A good-bye kiss.

  “That’s why I have to let you go,” he whispered.

  Something wet touched my cheek and I wasn’t sure if they were his tears or mine.

  When I opened my eyes he was gone.

  * * *

  I just sat on the couch, staring at the wall, mind and body numb.

  I’d thought that walking out of my wedding was the hardest thing I’d ever had to do. I’d been wrong.

  I didn’t know where to go from here, didn’t know how to move forward when it felt like everything was falling apart.

  My phone rang for what had to be the twentieth time since Gray had left. Jackie, my parents, Kate, friends from school, everyone had called. I kept hitting reject.

  It was my mother. Again.

  My finger hovered over the button, and then I finally just caved.

  Her voice filled the line as I hit accept.

  “Please tell me this is a joke. Tell me you weren’t seriously this stupid. Is this the man from the party?”

  I opened my mouth to apologize, to say something that I could offer up as an explanation, but before I could get the words out, I closed it. Because suddenly I knew what I had to say. I’d had my little rebellions, tried to pick my battles and stand up to my parents about Jackie and Kate. But I’d never really told them how I felt about the way they treated me.

  So I did.

  “I love him. And it’s my life.”

  “No. It’s your father’s career. You don’t get to have a life of your own, Blair. Not publicly. Not after everything this family has sacrificed to get where we are.”

  “Where we are? Where are we, exactly? Have you read the papers lately? We’re being eviscerated in Capital Confessions. They’re out for blood and every day there’s a new story making Dad look like a monster.”

  “We’re handling Capital Confessions.”

  “What do you mean you’re handling Capital Confessions? What are we, the mob?”

  “I don’t have time for this, Blair,” my mother snapped. “This isn’t about Capital Confessions, or your father, this is about you. About you making poor choices over and over again, ruining your future and taking everyone around you down with you. Walking out on your wedding, going to that horrible school, getting involved with a professor.”

  If I wasn’t so miserable, I would have laughed, the whole thing was just so surreal.

  She was absolutely insane.

  “Okay, that’s it.” My voice shook as anger pierced through the numbness. “You don’t get to judge my life choices. Not anymore. I didn’t marry someone who likes men. Who has found a man he loves and wants to spend the rest of his life with.

  “I went to law school. Yes, it’s not a great law school, but you know what, at lea
st I tried to make a future for myself. And I fell in love. I’m sorry that he doesn’t make good copy for Page Six, but I love him and I’m not going to feel differently because you tell me to.

  “I’m not a child anymore. I haven’t been a child for a very long time. So stop. I want to have a relationship with my parents, but I can’t have a relationship with you if you’re going to try to control and judge everything I do in my life.

  “I’m going to love who I’m going to love, and you can either trust me and know that you raised me to be the kind of person who wouldn’t love someone who wasn’t good for me, or you can’t. But if you can’t, then understand that I’m done having these conversations. I didn’t do anything wrong. I wish it had stayed out of the press, but I didn’t leak it to Capital Confessions. It’s not my fault someone wants to destroy Dad and is willing to use me to do it. I’m not going to pay the price for his mistakes anymore.

  “I’m not this family’s redemption. I’m not some paragon of virtue. I’m not a fucking campaign photo. I’m me. I screw up; I don’t always know what I’m doing, and you know what? That’s okay. So back off.”

  Silence hung between us and I waited to hear if things would change, for some sign that she understood, that we could change the tenor of our relationship. I was still waiting after she’d said good-bye and made a dig about how I was just like my sister.

  Shitty fucking day.

  I just couldn’t keep doing it. Couldn’t keep pretending. It wasn’t even about them not accepting Gray—right now it didn’t really even matter. It was about them accepting me. And they didn’t.

  If I’d learned anything in all of this, it was that loving someone for who you wanted them to be, instead of who they were, wasn’t love at all.

  I wasn’t angry with them like Kate was; I was just done.

  This life was slowly starting to cover me in filth, and it was impossible to not feel like it was sucking me deeper with each scandal, each fucking word written about me in Capital Confessions. Honestly, if not for that blog, I wouldn’t even be in the media that often. My family got its share of press, but no one fixated on us like Capital Confessions did. It was like someone on the staff had a vendetta against us, which, given my father’s reputation wasn’t shocking. He’d screwed over half this town more times than I could count.