Playing With Trouble

by Chanel Cleeton

  I walked through the halls of the law school, the weight of dozens of stares trained my way. I’d been a little notorious before, thanks to my father and my family’s position in D.C., but apparently having sex with a professor put you on a whole other level entirely.

  I’d stopped caring somewhere along the way.

  I walked to the disciplinary hearing, my head high. I’d thought I’d be more nervous, as a kid I’d always been terrified at the idea of getting into trouble; I’d never even been to the principal’s office. Here I was going to face an eight-member panel of my peers and two faculty advisors who would decide my academic fate, and not even a tremor.

  Nothing in the code of conduct we signed at the beginning of our 1L year addressed relationships between faculty and students. The bigger concern for the administrative board seemed to be the possibility that Gray had shown me favoritism on the final exam. I understood where it came from, but it was pretty laughable considering I’d received (and likely earned) a C-plus in his class. If I really were trading sex for grades, clearly I needed to up my game. And you would think that the fact that I got C-pluses in every single freaking class would have clued them in. Unless they thought I was screwing the entire teaching staff. If my life weren’t currently lying in ruins, I’d have to laugh.

  Besides, I knew Gray. He’d had two professors read exams that were on the line, including mine, and the dean had read all of his exams.

  I was pretty sure they were going to find out what I already knew—I was a solid C-plus law school student.

  I skipped the elevator, making my way up two flights of stairs and down the hall. I walked into the room on steady legs and chose a seat at the front, staring at the long table where a group of students were already seated. They’d given me the option of having an attorney present to represent me and I’d considered it briefly, but then I’d realized that I knew exactly what I needed to do. Had known all along.

  They went through the formalities, explaining the proceedings while I sat there, my hands clutched in my lap. And then it was my turn to speak and address the board.

  I stood and walked over to the podium in the middle of the room. I cleared my throat.

  “While I will respect whatever decision this board comes to, I would like to let you know that I have made a decision of my own. Since the withdrawal period doesn’t end for another few days, I’ve decided to withdraw from my law school classes effective immediately.”

  Murmurs erupted throughout the room.

  “I came to law school for the wrong reasons and I probably should have done this a lot earlier. I knew I didn’t fit here, that it wasn’t what I wanted to do with my life, and I was too scared to do something about it.”

  I looked at the audience and I met Professor Myers’s gaze and saw approval there for the first time.

  “I’d rather admit that I made a mistake now than spend three years of my life doing something that makes me miserable.”

  Sometimes the bravest thing you could do was admit you’d made a mistake. It was harder to leave now, to own the fact that I should never have come to law school, that I was never going to be a good attorney, than it would have been to pretend I was someone I wasn’t, to go through the motions of my life because I was trying to save face, because it was expected, rather than what I wanted.

  I’d have been lying if I didn’t admit that the giant unknown in my future terrified me; that there was security in following the path others set for you. The question mark hovering in front of me was equal parts monster-under-the-bed scary and exciting. My future was a blank canvas now rather than a picture that didn’t fit.

  But it was mine.

  And just like that a huge weight was lifted off my chest.

  * * *

  I met Jackie and Will at a Mexican restaurant near Dupont Circle. When Jackie had heard that today was my disciplinary council meeting, she’d insisted on getting together afterward for moral support. I hadn’t seen much of Will lately since he’d been busy with the election and serving his term.

  They’d already snagged a booth in the back when I arrived. I gave them both hugs and slid into the seat across from them. They had a margarita waiting.

  I grinned as I took a sip. “Thanks. I definitely needed that.”

  Jackie gave me a worried smile. “I figured. Are you okay?”

  “Yeah. I am.” Surprisingly, it was the truth.

  “What happened?” Will asked, the same concern in his eyes.

  We’d met through his sister, Monica, and been friends for a few years before he’d started dating my sister. Will was one of the nicest guys I knew, and while he and Jackie weren’t the most obvious couple on paper, they were the perfect fit for each other. You could tell that they were both really in love. They were slow-rolling the wedding planning and hadn’t set a date yet since Jackie was finishing her final semester of her undergrad, but I couldn’t wait for them to get married. And to help her get ready to walk down the aisle.

  “I withdrew.”

  Jackie’s jaw dropped. “No.”

  I took another sip of my margarita. “Yep.”

  “How are you doing?” Will asked.

  “Better now, I think. It was a long time coming.”

  Jackie shook her head. “Are you sure you know what you’re doing? Things seem bad right now, but this will all blow over. Trust me.” She nodded toward Will. “Our sex tape is a distant memory. Yeah, you were involved with your professor, but people will forget about it eventually. It’s not worth ruining your career.”

  Will met my gaze across the table and I noticed he didn’t say anything. Understanding flickered between us.

  Jackie loved politics. It was her life, and I doubted that there was ever a day when she questioned her career choice. I’d never felt the same way. Undergrad had been okay, law school horrendous, and at twenty-three I’d yet to have that moment where I felt that “click” that I’d found the career I was meant to do. Maybe I was expecting too much; maybe you weren’t supposed to feel fulfilled by your job. I didn’t know anymore.

  I was surrounded by all of these talented, passionate people, and I felt like there was something wrong with me. I was just going through life, and I wanted more.

  I wanted to make a difference in this world, and that was never going to be me practicing law. People like Gray and Caitlin had a gift. I lacked both the ability and the passion.

  “This isn’t about Gray.” I pushed out the knife of pain that sliced through me as I said his name. “I hated law school. If this really was my dream, I would have fought for it. But it isn’t. It never was. It was a stupid, impetuous decision I made when my engagement ended because I felt like I needed to redeem myself. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in a career I hate, and honestly, pretty much suck at, because I’m afraid to admit that I’d made a mistake.”

  Jackie was silent for a moment. “So what now?”

  That was the question of the hour.

  “I don’t know. I’m going to start looking for a job. I don’t know how useful a bachelor’s in political science will be, but I did a few internships in undergrad. And I’ve volunteered a lot.” I thought back to my previous conversations with Gray. “Maybe I can find a nonprofit or a think tank that’s hiring.” That shouldn’t be the biggest challenge in D.C.

  “There’s a nonprofit in Arlington that works with the children of deceased military members,” Will said. He rattled off the name of an organization I hadn’t heard of before. “I’ve volunteered with them in the past and they do amazing work. They provide all kinds of services from special trips to after-school tutoring. I could check with them to see if they’re hiring. Worst case, they’re usually looking for volunteers, so it could be a good foot in the door.”

  If the middle school service project had taught me anything, it was how much I enjoyed working with kids. And it did sound like a good cause.

  “I would love that. Volunteering might be best for me for now until I sort out
a more long-term plan. Thank you.”

  Jackie continued to stare at me like I’d lost my mind. Maybe I had. But at least now I was doing things on my own terms.

  “What about Gray?” she asked. Trust Jackie to not shy away from the unpleasant subjects.

  Gray was the shattered heart in my chest. He was the doubt that plagued me, the fear that I should have fought harder rather than letting him slip through my fingers. Gray was the biggest question I couldn’t answer.

  Was it enough if I loved him, even if he wasn’t sure about us? Could I be strong enough to keep us together? Or did I do the right thing when I walked away?

  “I told him how I felt. I laid all of my cards out on the table. I can’t make him love me. I can’t make him take a chance on us, and I’m not going to keep waiting around for him to choose me. I love him. I’ll probably always love him. But that’s not enough if he doesn’t believe in us.”

  I’d been with a guy who wasn’t all in with me before. It sucked. And in this case, I would rather be alone than be with someone who didn’t love me the way I loved them. It was a recipe for heartbreak, and I didn’t have it in me to face another loss.

  “He’s an idiot if he let you go,” Will interjected. “If he couldn’t see what was right in front of him, then you’re better off. Any guy would be lucky as hell to have you.”

  I struggled to smile, even though there was something a little sad about your future brother-in-law trying to build up your self-confidence; but at this point it was the least of my problems.

  “And Kate?” Jackie asked.

  I groaned. “Is this, ‘talk about Blair’s dysfunctional relationships’ day? What’s next, a chat about my parents?”

  Jackie winced. “Sorry. I know I can come on a little strong sometimes.”

  Will choked on his margarita, shooting her a bemused look. “Sometimes?”

  I grinned.

  “Fine. Most of the time.” She made a face. “I’m just concerned.” Her gaze held mine. “You’ve been through a lot lately, Blair. I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

  “I know. And I love you for it. But I don’t really have the answers right now. I can’t change Gray’s mind and I can’t change Kate’s either. I don’t understand the choices she’s made, and while I can forgive her for selling me out to Capital Confessions, I’ll never agree with her reasons.

  “This isn’t the first time there’s been tension between me and Kate, and I doubt it’ll be the last. I love her, but at the end of the day, she’s an adult, and if she’s not going to listen to reason, there’s not a whole lot I can do about it.

  “I’ve lived my entire life surrounded by political machinations and bullshit, and I know you love that stuff, but I don’t. I’m tired. I just want to be Blair without the stupid Reynolds notoriety hanging around my neck. Kate wants to bind our father’s darkness to her and I just want to let go.

  “I want to be happy, and right now, my happy is finding some peace in my life. Maybe that makes me weak, but it’s what I want.”

  Jackie looked skeptical. “You’re never going to just be Blair in this town. You know that. Your father casts a long shadow. And your parents raised you guys to be in the spotlight practically from birth. Maybe it would be different if they hadn’t. You have that last name trailing behind you, and it’s going to be impossible to shake.”

  “I know. I need a fresh start. I need to go somewhere where I can breathe. Where I can figure out who I am, independent of all the other stuff that drags me down.”

  “You’re thinking of leaving D.C.?”

  I felt horrible because we’d just started getting to know each other, but yeah, I was. I didn’t want every relationship I had to end up on the front page. Didn’t want to fend off irate calls from my mother when I wore an outfit she didn’t approve of, didn’t want to wonder if people liked me for me or for my last name. Outside of D.C., my notoriety faded to a casual afterthought. But here I was collateral damage for whatever war my father was embroiled in.

  “I need to. It won’t be right away; I want to take some time, make sure I’m making the right decision, line up a job before I move. But yeah, I need a fresh start.”

  Jackie sighed, reaching out and squeezing my hand. “I get it. It sucks and I’m going to miss you a lot, but I do understand.”

  “I’ll keep in touch. And I’ll come back and visit.” I smiled at both of them. “Besides, I have your wedding to come back for. And I’m definitely throwing you the best bridal shower ever.”

  “I’d like that,” Jackie replied with a teary-eyed smile.

  Despite my problems with Kate, my sisters were the best things to come out of my messed up family. At least in that my father had done something right.

  Chapter Twenty-seven

  Senator Reynolds’s ties with the private security company, Intech, have recently been called into question. Has Senator Reynolds been using his position on the Senate Intelligence Committee for ill?

  —Capital Confessions blog

  Gray

  The weeks that passed since Blair walked away—since I let her go—were their own brand of hell. I’d thought I’d been through hell before, but this was a special degree of suffering, one I wouldn’t wish on even my worst enemy. It was a drying out of the worst possible kind, and considering I’d gone cold turkey, the withdrawal was sheer fucking torture.

  I went through the motions of my day—somehow—but I couldn’t help feeling as though someone had ripped my heart out of my chest, leaving a gaping hole that was impossible to fill and a bleeding I couldn’t staunch.

  I’d lost count of how many times I’d pulled up her number in my phone, my finger hovering over the option to call her. Or how many times I’d woken up in the middle of the night and reached for her, only to come up empty. The times I stared at a bottle as if the numbing of the alcohol would obliterate the pain in my chest that wouldn’t fucking go away.

  I waited for it to get easier, waited for me to slip up, waited for something, anything, convinced I couldn’t exist like this, craving escape like a man dying of thirst needed water.

  And still, nothing changed, and each day was rinse and repeat, as I was Sisyphus trapped in a hell of my own making.

  I’d thought I’d done the right thing, the good thing, thought the only way she’d ever be happy was if I’d let her go. And the minute I’d done it, a little voice in the back of my head had started up . . .

  You love her. She loves you.

  You make her happy. She makes you happier than you’ve ever been.

  You’ve fucked this up spectacularly, asshole.

  She’s probably moved on to some guy who wears polo shirts and pants with fucking whales on them.

  The voice was the worst. The doubt that plagued me, that woke me up in a sweat in the middle of the night, chipped away at my resolve, little by little, like water over stone.

  I’d never been more unsure in my life. Nobility didn’t sit well on me. Not ever. So I wasn’t sure if this feeling—the fear that I’d picked the wrong fucking door, and I was left holding a clock radio that broke after one use when I could have had a Ferrari—was one I should listen to.

  The hardest part was knowing if I’d made the right choice because I’d loved her, or the easy choice because I was scared. Although nothing about this felt easy. It was death by a thousand pricks, each moment without her added to the weight of my loss.

  I busied myself with making plans. I called old law school acquaintances, professors, colleagues, struggled to piece together the shambles of my professional life. Through all of the bullshit I hadn’t liked about practicing law before, the one thread that had kept me afloat besides the money, was the genuine feeling that I was helping people. Helping them recover some financial compensation for the wrongs that were done to them.

  Most of my clients had come from working-class backgrounds like my own, and life had simply knocked them down one too many times, and the medical system they’d relied on had s
omehow failed them. And while I could never really make them whole, not in any sense beyond the financial, it had been my job to make someone pay, to get them the money they needed to live out the rest of their lives the best way they could. And in some cases, to send a message to a hospital, or doctor, that this wouldn’t happen again.

  I missed it.

  I was a shit teacher. It was a noble profession, but I lacked the patience and the inspiration to effectively do my job. Not to mention the whole affair-with-a-student-the-first-time-I-taught thing. My future was definitely not in teaching.

  There weren’t that many things I was good at, but I still had this. So I job-hunted, and started making plans to pick myself up off of the ground. And I existed, survived, until a knock at the door changed everything.

  I opened my front door one blustery day at the end of January, and came face to face with Blair’s eyes in a blonde girl’s body, her cheekbones, the shape of her face, on another, even taller blonde girl.

  For a moment, I couldn’t speak.

  I wasn’t ready for this.

  The tall one spoke first. “I’m Jackie. Blair’s sister.” She gestured toward the girl next to her. “This is Kate. Blair’s other sister.”

  It hurt to speak. “I know.”

  “Can we come in?” Jackie asked.

  I nodded, stepping back while they walked over the threshold.

  I led them into the living room, my mind racing, struggling to process this latest change, trying to understand how they’d ended up on my doorstep. I started with the only thing that connected us.

  “Is Blair okay?”

  “She’s fine,” Jackie answered.

  Kate still didn’t speak. In fact, for all that I was good at reading people, I definitely couldn’t get a read on her. Blair had said her sister had a wall built up around her, but she hadn’t mentioned that the wall was also guarded, electrified, and protected by man-eating guard dogs.

  Jackie might have had a reputation for being tough, but at the moment I’d take her any day of the week. Kate wasn’t just cold, she was dead inside. Considering I’d lived a fair amount of my adult life in the same state, it was easy enough to recognize.