The Loo Sanction

by Trevanian

“Let’s get together and talk about it this afternoon.”

  “Lord, Jonathan. Don’t know that I can. Calendar bulging, you know. Here, let’s see what I can do.” Holding the phone only a little away from his mouth, fforbes-Ffitch clicked on his intercom. “Miss Plimsol? What do I look like for this afternoon? Over.”

  A voice told him he had a conference coming up in ten minutes, then he had arranged to take a business drink with Sir Wilfred Pyles at the club.

  “A drink with Sir Wilfred?” fforbes-Ffitch repeated, in case Jonathan had not heard. “What time is that? Over.”

  “Four o’clock, sir.”

  “Sixteen hundred hours, eh? Right. Over and out. Jonathan? What do you say to a drink at my club at sixteen forty-five hours?”

  “Fine.”

  “You know the club, don’t you?”

  “Yes, I know it.”

  “Right, then. See you there. Been grand chatting with you. Let’s hope everyone benefits. Ta-ta.”

  Just as Jonathan set the phone back on its cradle, it rang under his hand, and the effect of the coincidence was a little rattling.

  “Jonathan Hemlock.”

  “Hey, long time no see, man. Until Miss Coyne checked in with me a couple of hours ago, we didn’t know what had happened to you.”

  “I’m fine, Yank. Why are you calling?”

  “I’ve been trying to get you for two hours. But your line was always busy. What’s up, Doc?”

  “You can tell the Vicar that things are moving along.”

  “Great. But you can tell him yourself. Tonight. Things are coming to a head. He wants to have a little confab with you. Can do?”

  “Miss Coyne mentioned that to me. Where?”

  “At the Vicarage.”

  “All right. I’ll drive out. Probably get there six or seven in the evening.”

  “Roger-dodger. Oh, by the way. Sorry I wasn’t able to get through to those MI–5 guys in time.”

  “That’s all right. I took care of them.”

  “Yes, I know. The man at MI–5 had me on the carpet. Two of the guys are still in hospital.”

  “They probably need the rest.”

  “I thought it would be best if we didn’t mention this to the Vicar. No use getting his bowels in an uproar. You dig?”

  “Whatever.”

  “Okeydoke. Hang in there.”

  Jonathan hung up. Talking to Yank always filled him with bone-deep fatigue—like the prospect of going shopping with a woman.

  Then one oblique consolation to all this occurred to him. Whatever happened, he had ten thousand pounds from Strange—about twenty-five thousand dollars made at the cost of a few hours of telephoning. The trick was, living to spend it.

  fforbes-Ffitch’s club was only a short walk up from Claridge’s, not far from Jonathan’s Mayfair flat. It was typically clubby: a good address for taking lunch; a large and comfortable dining room with stiff linen and conversation, where one was served by nanny waitresses with skins the color and texture of the Yorkshire puddings they foisted upon you; the carafe wine was decent; and there were heavy comfortable leather chairs in the lounge for taking coffee and brandy, and for being seen chatting with people who wanted to be seen chatting with you. As an institution, it shared the catholic British problem of not being what it used to be. There simply wasn’t the money floating about to support such monuments to gentle leisure since British socialism, failing in its efforts to share the wealth, had devoted itself to sharing the poverty.

  The ostensible criteria for club membership were relations with the world of art and letters, but there were more critics than painters, more publishers than writers, more teachers than practitioners. Typically correct in bulk and shoddy in detail, it was the kind of place that prided itself on an excellent Stilton soaked in port, but served white pepper. The members wore suits, the fine material and careless fitting of which bespoke London’s better tailors, but they wore short socks that displayed rather a lot of shiny, pallid shin as they sat sprawled in the lounge.

  fforbes-Ffitch was just saying good-bye to Sir Wilfred when the part-French hostess conducted Jonathan into their company.

  “Ah! There you are, Jonathan. Sir Wilfred, may I present Jonathan Hemlock? He’s the man I was just mentioning—”

  “Hello, Jon.”

  “Fred.”

  “Damned if it doesn’t seem that everybody in London is devoted to the task of introducing us. Makes me wonder if there was something faulty in our first acquaintance.”

  “Oh.” fforbes-Ffitch was crestfallen. “You’ve met, then.”

  “Rather often, really,” Sir Wilfred said. “We’ve just been chatting, fforbes-Ffitch and I, about your going to Stockholm to do that series of lectures for him. You will have my commission’s fiscal support. Delighted you have decided to do it, Jon.”

  “It isn’t settled yet.”

  “Oh?” Sir Wilfred raised his eyebrows at fforbes-Ffitch. “I’d rather got the impression it was.”

  “I’m sure we’ll be able to work it out,” f-F said quickly, with an offhand gesture.

  “Say, may I have a word with you, Jon? You wouldn’t mind, would you?”

  “Not at all,” fforbes-Ffitch said. He stood smiling politely at the silent men, then with a sudden catch he said, “Oh! Oh, I see. Yes. Well, I’ll order a couple of drinks, then.” He departed for the bar.

  Sir Wilfred drew Jonathan toward the deep-set windows that overlooked the street. “Tell me, Jon. Are you quite all right? I am speaking of this Maximilian Strange business, of course.”

  “Don’t worry, Fred. There’s nothing going on. It was a false alarm.”

  Sir Wilfred examined Jonathan’s eyes closely. “Well, let’s hope so.” Then his manner relaxed and brightened. “Well, now I must be off.”

  “The demands of business?”

  “What? Oh. No. The demands of dalliance, actually. Take care.”

  Jonathan found fforbes-Ffitch sitting rigidly on the front edge of a deep lounge chair in a quiet corner. He was making much of being a busy man kept waiting, frowning and checking his watch. “You might have told me you knew Sir Wilfred,” he complained, as Jonathan sat across from him. “Saved me a touch of embarrassment.”

  “Nonsense. Embarrassment becomes you.”

  “Oh? Really? No, you’re having me on.”

  “Look, I don’t want to take too much of your valuable time.”

  fforbes-Ffitch appreciated that. “Right. Got another appointment at seventeen thirty hours.”

  “Roger. Then let’s get to it.” Jonathan made his case quickly. ff-F was obviously committed to gaining credit by persuading Jonathan to undertake the lecture series in Sweden. In fact, he had rather overstated Jonathan’s willingness to Sir Wilfred. OK. Jonathan would do the lectures if in return ff-F would use his influence as a trustee of the National Gallery to persuade them to display the Marini Horse publicly the day before it was auctioned off.

  “Oh, I don’t know, Jonathan. A privately owned object in the Nat? Never been done before. Has all the characteristics of a publicity trick. I just don’t know if they’ll go along with it.”

  “Oh, I was hoping your influence would be sufficient to swing it.” Jonathan’s instinct for the jugular proved correct.

  “I may be able to, Jonathan. Certainly give it a bash.”

  “You might mention in your argument that half the art reviewers in England will be mentioning in their papers that the piece will be on display at the Gallery. Your fellow trustees wouldn’t want to disappoint the taxpaying public, to say nothing of making fools of the critics, none of whom are too friendly with what they describe as the reactionary practices of that elite group.”

  “How on earth could the newspapers be saying such a thing?”

  Jonathan lifted his palms in an exaggerated shrug. “Who knows where they get their wild ideas?”

  fforbes-Ffitch looked long and very slyly at Jonathan. “This is your doing, isn’t it?” he accused, shaking a
finger.

  “You see right through me, don’t you? No use trying to con a con.”

  fforbes-Ffitch nodded conspiratorially. “All right, Jonathan. I think I can assure you that the other trustees will listen to reason. But not without a battle. And in return, you owe me one lecture tour. I know you’ll love Stockholm.”

  True to club routine, the drinks arrived just as they had risen to leave.

  Maggie sat on the edge of an oaken bench beside the hearth, unmindful of the glass of port beside her. The focus of her soft unblinking attention was the languets of flame that flickered deep within the log fire, but the attitude of her body and her half-closed eyes indicated that she was looking through the fire into something else. Daydreams, perhaps.

  Leaning against a bookcase in the Vicar’s study, Jonathan watched the play of light in her fine autumnal hair. The unlit side of her face was toward him, and her profile was modeled by an undulating band of firelight along the forehead and nose. Subtle shifts of color from the flames were amplified in her hair, now accenting the amber, now the copper.

  A gust in the stormy night drafted through the chimney, flaring the embers with a bassoon moan, and breaking her fragile concentration. She blinked and inhaled like someone awakening, then she turned and greeted him with a slight smile.

  “Boyoboy, it’s sure raining cats and dogs,” Yank said from across the room, where he had been nursing a funk and dealing heavy blows to the Vicar’s port supply. He had been set off his feed earlier that evening while they were dining at the Olde Worlde Inn. They had been served lamb couscous, and someone had jokingly mentioned that they owed the feast to governmental indecision. The Feeding Station had been preparing a victim to be found dead in Algiers, but there had been a change in plans. Yank had blanched and left the room. Until this banal meteorological observation, he had been uniquely silent, and the forced energy in his voice indicated that he was not completely over the crisis of disgust.

  “Sorry to keep you waiting.” The Vicar entered with a drawn and preoccupied air. His gray face and the lifeless hang of his jowls and wattle over his ingrown celluloid dog collar attested to days of tension and strain, as did the intensification of his nervous wink. “At least I see you have found the port. Good.” He lowered himself heavily into his reading chair beside the fire. As a passing gust of wind stiffened the tongues of flame and sucked them up the fire step, Jonathan recognized the ironically Dickensian quality of their little grouping.

  “Let me say at the outset that I am not very pleased with you, Dr. Hemlock,” the Vicar said, winking.

  “Oh?”

  “No. Not pleased. You have not kept in regular contact with us as you were instructed to do. Indeed, were it not for Miss Coyne’s report of this afternoon, we shouldn’t even have known that you had gained entrée into The Cloisters.”

  “I’ve been busy.”

  “No doubt. You have also been disobedient. But I shall not dwell on your insubordination.”

  “That’s wonderful of you.”

  The Vicar stared at Jonathan with heavy reproof. Then he winked. “The situation is grave. Much graver than I could have guessed. As you will recall, we were puzzled over the fact that Maximilian Strange did not seem to be making use of the damaging film for blackmail. Doubts concerning his ultimate motive for collecting the filthy evidence have plagued us almost as much as have the films themselves. And the Loo organization overseas has concentrated all its energies on solving the enigma. Bits and pieces of information have been collected, and they fit together to make a frightening picture. Not to put too fine a point on it, the situation is this: England is for sale.” He paused dramatically to allow the significance of this to sink in. “In point of fact, effective control of the British government is to be auctioned off. The power holding those recriminating films will be able to bleed us dry—trade concessions, NATO secrets, North Sea oil—all this will go to the highest bidder.”

  Jonathan found himself wondering whether it was the fact of the sale or the democratic nature of the bidding that pained him the more deeply.

  “At this very moment,” the Vicar continued, “representatives of every major power are congregating in London; gold transfers are being arranged in Switzerland; and secret talks are being conducted in embassies. Not excluding your own embassy, Dr. Hemlock,” he added with stern emphasis.

  “Who knows? You may enjoy working for Yurasis Dragon when CII takes you over.”

  “Don’t be flip, Hemlock!” He winked angrily. “I promise you that long before such a thing is realized, you will be in the dock facing irrefutable charges of murder. Is that clear?”

  “Get off my ass, Padre.”

  “Sir?” He winked three times in rapid succession.

  “Your threats are empty. You say the entire Loo organization has been working on this?”

  “They have.”

  “Do they know when the sale is to take place?”

  “No, not precisely.”

  “Do they know where?”

  “No, they don’t.”

  “Do they know where the films are now?”

  “No!”

  “I know all three. So get off my ass, and stop making empty threats.”

  Maggie smiled into her glass, as the Vicar brought his indignation under professional control. He rose heavily and crossed to his desk, where he shuffled some papers around pointlessly, making thinking time. “Dr. Hemlock, you represent everything I detest in the aggressive American personality.”

  Jonathan checked his watch.

  The Vicar’s hands closed into fists. Then they relaxed slowly, and he turned back. “But . . . I have learned in my business to admire efficiency, whatever its source. So!” He pressed his eyes closed and took a deep breath. “I assume you have worked out a way to intercept the films and deliver them to me?”

  “I have.”

  “You realize, of course, that you must accomplish this quite on your own. I won’t have the police in on this, or the Secret Service. No one must have the slightest hint of the awkward predicament our leaders have gotten themselves into.”

  “You’ve made that abundantly clear.”

  “Good. Good. Now tell me—where are the films?”

  “They’re inside a bronze casting by Marini.”

  “How do you know this?”

  “Fairly obvious deduction. Maximilian Strange has engaged me to help him sell a Marini Horse at auction for five million pounds—more than a hundred times its market value. It’s obvious that the Marini is not the item for sale. The Horse is only the envelope.”

  “I see. Yes. Where does this auction take place?”

  “At Sotheby’s, three days from now. The Horse will be on display at the National Gallery the day before the auction, and that’s when I get the films.”

  “You are going to steal them from the National Gallery?”

  “Yes. I have a friend who is a regular nocturnal visitor there.”

  “And you are quite sure you can manage this?”

  “I have great faith in my friend’s ability to get in and out of the National Gallery at will. I shall be going with him on this occasion.”

  “He knows about the films?”

  “No.”

  “Good. Good.” The Vicar mulled over the information for a time, winking to himself. “Tell me. How did the films get inside the statue in the first place?”

  “This particular Marini is known as the Dallas Horse. It was broken by a careless Texan, then brazed together. The story is widely known in art circles. It was a simple matter to cut it open along the braze, deposit the films, then braze it over again.”

  “I see. And you are absolutely sure the films are there?”

  “I’m satisfied they are. Maximilian Strange detests England. It’s his only passion. If he were only selling a bronze statue, there would be no reason to do so from London. In fact, the statue was brought over here from the States. Clearly it’s the films that are the homegrown product.”
r />   The Vicar returned to his reading chair and mused for several minutes, slight noddings of his head accompanying his location of each piece in its place. “Yes, I’m sure you’re right,” he said at last. “It’s so like Strange. An open auction at Sotheby’s!” He chuckled. “Brazen and amazing man. A worthy foe.”

  “You told me earlier that you considered Strange to be the cleverest man in Britain . . . which might be considered damning with faint praise.”

  The Vicar looked up. “Did I? Well, now I am sure I was right.” He turned to Yank, who had been looking on without participating, still heavy with the wine he had been drinking to excess. “Fill the doctor’s glass. It appears we have reason to celebrate.”

  “I’ll take the wine, but you shouldn’t delude yourself that we’re home and dry. I still have to go back into The Cloisters and deal with Strange. You see, he doesn’t know that his Horse is going on display in the National Gallery. He won’t know that until he reads the newspapers. And I’m not sure how he will react. He’s been keeping the Horse somewhere deep, and he won’t be pleased to have it in the open, its gut full of films, for twenty-four hours before the auction.”

  “What might he do?”

  “He might smell a rat. If he does, he’ll probably go to ground with the films.”

  “What then?”

  “We lose.”

  “I shouldn’t say that so fliply, if I were you, Dr. Hemlock. Remember the dire consequences to your freedom should you fail at this.”

  Jonathan closed his eyes wearily and shook his head. “I don’t think you see the picture. If Strange doesn’t buy my story about putting the Horse on display to allay governmental curiosity over the selling price, then his response to me will be vigorous, probably total. And your threat of trial for murder won’t matter much.”

  “You seem to take that rather calmly.”

  “Cite my alternatives!”

  “Yes, I see. My, you are in a tight spot, aren’t you?”

  Jonathan’s desire to punch that fat face was great, but he tightened his jaw and held on. “I am going to make one demand of you,” he said.

  “What would that be?” the Vicar asked civilly.

  “Miss Coyne’s out of this from here on. In fact, she is out of your organization altogether.”