by Jay Foolatum
The Death of Arfur -- in Two Acts
by
Jay Foolatum
Copyright (c) Sir Jason, Lord Glencairn B.Phil. 2015
ACT I
FADE IN:
INT. 87 FAIRLEIGH HOUSE/LOUNGE -- DAY
It is 1993, and twenty year old William (“PELLAM”) Smallthorn is reading a magazine. He is looking with interest at the personal section. In that section is an advertisement concerned with dating. He reads it aloud in his common, south London accent. In addition, he cannot correctly pronounce his 'th's'.
PELLAM: (shaking his head with subtle irony) I'm fed up, not 'ard up! -- as me uncle Charlie would say! (thinking) Actually, I am ‘'ard up’! (He reads the advertisement more closely.)
INSERT ADVERTISEMENT
'Now the Berlin Wall has tumbled down, let your loneliness tumble down too! There are thousands of young East European women looking for LOVE in the West. 'Devotchka' magazine features hundreds of attractive girls from central and eastern Europe and the former Soviet Union, looking for a friend, husband or partner in the USA, Canada, Australia, and western Europe...
PELLAM: (shaking his head, again with an ironical smile) Never mention New Zealand, do they!
'...For the price of £15, why not give it a try? Your dream devotchka might be waiting for you!
PELLAM: Sad! (thinking) But, then, it's not exactly a dating agency, is it! I wouldn't 'ave exactly crossed the threshold, would I ‘ave! It's more like a penpal magazine, or something. (beat) And what if it's where Hedda's to be found?
BEGIN FLASHBACK:
I/E. SENLAC CAR PARK -- NIGHT
Pellam has a younger brother, MORDRED. He is two years’ Pellam's junior. Mordred has recently acquired a Corvette Stingray, and, with it, some new found friends. The brothers live in the town of Senlac, with their parents. One of Mordred's friend's is Robert (“BILL”) Jingle. They are hanging out in a car park in that small seaside town, and in the company of fellow boy racers. -- The pair are approached by two foreign girls, HEDDA and Kristiana. Hedda is quite small. The girls are from a country known as Outer Thule. All of the young men in the near proximity are interested. Some of them have girlfriends, and one of these is called LOUISA.-- Hedda approaches Mordred, and addresses him in her broken English.
HEDDA: Excuse me. You look like a young man I saw earlier in ze year, ven I was here as a language student.
END FLASHBACK.
BEGIN FLASHBACK:
I/E. 87 FAIRLEIGH HOUSE -- DAY
Mordred and a few of his friends are pulled up on the drive of the house the brothers live at -- 87, Fairleigh -- and are out of Mordred's car. Louisa is with them, and she notices Pellam inquisitively looking out of the window. She addresses Mordred.
LOUISA: Are you going to tell your brother... (Pellam is listening).
FADE TO BLACK
BEGIN FANTASY:
INT. PELLAM’S BEDROOM
Pellam is having sexual relations with a bevy of young Scandinavian women.
END FANTASY.
EXT. 87 FAIRLEIGH HOUSE -- DAY
Mordred is horrified!
INTERCUT BETWEEN PELLAM AND THE YOUNG PEOPLE ON THE DRIVE
Mordred mumbles something which makes his friends -- including Jingle -- laugh. (Pellam is curious.)
END OF FLASHBACK.
MONTAGE AROUND PELLAM'S HOUSE AND VILLAGE:
1) Pellam is writing a letter.
2) He pops it into an envelope.
3) He copies the address from the advertisement he had been reading in the magazine onto the envelope.
4) Pellam posts the letter into a post box in a leafy country lane.
PELLAM: (thinking aloud) No Hedda amongst them, but I'm not one to waste money! I tried the two best looking birds with photos anyway.
I/E. 87 FAIRLEIGH HOUSE -- DAY
The Smallthorn family consists of Arthur (“ARFUR”), his wife GWYNNE, and the two previously mentioned sons. They are moving out of their house. Arfur, like his sons, also has a thick south London accent.
ARFUR: (addressing his wife) I said Monkey could come in 'ere.
GWYNNE: Why?
ARFUR: E's 'ad to get out of 'is place. (beat) Ain't paid the rent, I 'spose! (Gwynne rolls her eyes.)
INT. 87 FAIRLEIGH HOUSE -- DAY
Leigh MONK is a small man in his mid-thirties, who works for Arfur Smallthorn on Smallthorn's used car site. He has moved into the Smallthorn's former house, and picks up a letter that has just been pushed through the letterbox by the postman. He looks at it with curiosity. It is the same letter we saw posted by Pellam.
MONK: (reading aloud) 'Return to sender. Not known at this address.'. (He opens the letter.)
INSERT: LETTER
'Dear Anastasia,
My name is William Smallthorn. I live on the southern coast of England. I am twenty years old. I consider myself to be quite good-looking. I am an entrepreneur - which enables me to do quite well financially.
I saw your photograph in the 'Devotchka' magazine, and I thought you beautiful. I have long had a great sympathy with the plight of the people in the East, and consider the women there to be the most attractive of all! I was very happy when I saw the Berlin Wall come down.
I hope you do not mind my writing to you, and I have included an IRC coupon for your reply. I hope we can become friends - and hopefully more!'
INT. TENEMENT - DAY
FIVE men in their early twenties: “GINGE”, “SHADES”, “SQUEAKER”, “GORMLEY”, and Shorters (“SHORTY”) are in the flat. All have dyed their hair red, apart from the naturally ginger Ginge. There is tension in the air.
SQUEAKER: (to Ginge) We're taking over now! Me granddad's gonna back us. -- You're no longer “King Ginge”!
GINGE: (angry) Fuck you! You lot'd be nothink without me! It's me who got you this chance. (Ginge lunges at short fat Squeaker; who pulls back, terrified. Lanky Gormley and short Shorters step forward, threateningly.)
SHADES: O, I've had enough of this! I ain't wasting another minute with you dweebs. (On that, Shades departs. He is also short and chubby, like his younger brother, Squeaker; and is so named due to never being seen without his sunglasses.)
SQUEAKER: (addressing Ginge) As I was saying: We're the ginger swillers of beer now; not you! (With that, Ginge tries again to reach Squeaker. This time, the other two men wade in, and fists fly. Squeaker stays back, as if miming a fight.)
SQUEAKER: Hit him! Finish him!
The other two men brutally beat Ginge to the ground. Gormley proceeds in kicking the now unconscious Ginge as he lays on the floor. Squeaker then kicks Ginge in the groin. The three men depart, and are happy with the outcome.
BEGIN FLASHBACK:
INT. 86 FAIRLEIGH ROAD - DAY
A letter is pushed through the letterbox of that former home of the Smallthorns. Arfur picks it up, and looks at it, curiously.
CLOSE UP OF A LETTER ADDRESSED TO: 'WILLIAM SMALLTHORN'
Arfur takes a quick glance around him to make sure no one is around, and then he opens the letter.
CLOSE UP OF ARFUR'S FACE: HE IS HORRIFIED!
DAYDREAM SEQUENCE -- INT. -- MONTAGE
INT. 86 FAIRLEIGH ROAD -- DAY
1. Pellam is having an orgy with a multitude of women in their late-teens.
2. Arfur and Gwynne are sitting together on the sofa. From Pellam's bedroom, above, comes banging, giggling, sexual moans and groans, and other related sounds.
END DREAM SEQUENCE.
END FLASHBACK.
BEGIN FLASHBACK:
INT. 86 FAIRLEIGH ROAD/LOUNGE -- NIGHT
Arfur, Gwynne, and Mordred are assembled. All three seem shocked, though Mordred a little less so.
ARFUR: There's thirty-three of 'em. -- I counted 'em.
GWYNNE: Strange! -- What were their names?
ARFUR: I dunno! I ‘adn't ‘eard of any of 'em.
GWYNNE: It's a shame you threw away the letter, I might've been able to recognise some of the names. (Arfur pulls a sneaky expression.)
END FLASHBACK.
BEGIN FLASHBACK:
INT. REPTILES -- NIGHT
Pellam is celebrating his twenty-first birthday in a prestigious house, his father co-owns, with an undesirable-looking girl known as HOBSON.
PELLAM: You know Ginge, don't you?
HOBSON: Yeah, why? (beat) My mother lives with his uncle.
PELLAM: Yeah.
There is a pause.
HOBSON: Why?
Pellam is at a loss as how to proceed.
PELLAM: Well... It's like this... Er... It's like I've got a sort of following, or somefing, -- of birds. Er... I just wondered if Ginge ‘ad mentioned it? -- because ‘e used to live near me, you see! Er... I mean the birds used to live near me, -- and 'im. -- In Ire Village. (Hobson shakes her head in the negative, unconvincingly.)
END FLASHBACK.
BEGIN FLASHBACK:
INT. FRANCESCA'S MOTHER'S HOUSE -- DAY
FRANCESCA Hall is a girl whom Pellam briefly went to school with. She has half-heartedly tried to make contact with Pellam in the recent past, believing he had made a telepathic cry for help from her and others of his former school-friends. She is not alone in this belief, but is looked upon as being the one most likely to quiet Pellam's troubled mind. Here she is, with her friend COLLETTE. The pair of them are unmarried mothers.
FRANCESCA: (amused) I had an unexpected visit the other day. You'll never guess who from?
COLLETTE: Who?
FRANCESCA: Headmaster Jones.
COLLETTE: From Shelley? -- What did he want? (beat) No, actually, you don't need to tell me why!
FRANCESCA: Yes... It's still happening. (beat) And guess what he wants us to do about it? (Collette awaits her friend's reply with anticipation.) beat (still amused) Move down to Senlac to be near him-- (Collette is still incredulous.)
COLETTE: How's he propose we do that?
FRANCESCA: All of us too! All of Pellam's old friends. -- Or at least as many as we can convince to come. (beat) He reckons we're all be entitled to private housing down there -- because of the babies.
COLLETTE: (thoughtful) I'm not sure if you need a connection with the area though?
FRANCESCA: I brought that up with him. He reckons we'll be alright,
COLLETTE: But do you think we'll get any other takers?
FRANCESCA: (thoughtful) He seems to have tidied himself up a bit since he started working for his dad.
COLLETTE: (shrugs) We get a house out of it anyway. (The girls smile to one another with satisfaction.)
SUPERIMPOSE: A FEW MONTHS LATER
I/E. SENLAC
Francesca, and others of Pellam's old friends and associates, are moving into their respective houses and apartments in the south-coast seaside town of Senlac.
END FLASHBACK.
INT. 91 GEORGIAN HOUSE/LOUNGE -- DAY
Pellam is in the new house when the telephone rings. He answers it.
PELLAM: Hullo!
MONK (O.S.) (grumpy) Is Arth there?
PELLAM: Nuh, 'e's out.
MONK: (O.S.) Can you tell ‘im Leigh phoned?
PELLAM: (embarrassed) Yeah. -- Oh, by the way, do you know anyfing about my situation in Ire Village?
There is a long silence.
MONK: (O.S.) (amused) Nuh!
Pellam hangs the telephone back up on its hook, disappointed, but not surprised.
INT. GEORGIAN HOUSE/LOUNGE -- NIGHT
The Smallthorns are watching the television in their new house. It is a documentary about the British seaside.
ARFUR: Ain't there anything better than this crap on?
GWYNNE: I dunno? Crap innit! Look for something else if you want.
Just as Arfur is about to turn the television over, the following image appears on the screen:
INSERT: A CHEEKY SEASIDE POSTER OF A THIN MAN WEARING SPECTACLES AND A KNOTTED HANDKERCHIEF ON HIS HEAD, AND HIS FAT WIFE. THE PAIR ARE HAND-IN-HAND.
Arfur sniggers at the sight, and takes a sly look over to Pellam.
PELLAM: (thinking aloud) I bet he finks that's like me and 'Obson! -- As if I'd go with 'er! The only reason she was allowed to get near me is because no one wanted 'er for themselves! That's the sort of shit I 'ave to put up with, day in day out, year in, year out. If I complain, everyone just says I'm imagining fings. The panacea for all my woes is to, according to them, 'get a job'! (beat) I've never 'ad a job in my life! 'Ow yer supposed to get one when yer ain't got a qualification to yer name, I don't know! And 'oo'd want to pay for a life like mine! (beat) But they need a reason, and it matters not whether it makes any sense. (beat) That's why I want those girls, you see -- those ones in Ire Village -- or that language student the medium, Sibyl Shipton, predicted I'd meet -- Hedda. (beat) How can I face my potential work colleagues -- and the world in general -- like this?
I/E. ARFUR'S CAR PITCH -- DAY
CLOSE UP: THE LETTER TO 'ANASTASIA' HAS BEEN STUCK ON THE WINDOW OF THE OFFICE.
Arfur and Mordred pull up, and are amused by the notice.
MONK: (explaining) It came in the mail. It was already opened.
ARFUR: (turning to his son) It's Will, innit? (Mordred smirks his assent.)
MONK: Oh, is it your boy? I thought I recognised the name. (beat) There was a photo with it too. (Monk pulls a photograph out of his pocket.)
CLOSE UP: A BAD PHOTOGRAPH OF PELLAM.
All three snigger.
INT. 91 GEORGIAN HOUSE/LOUNGE -- DAY
Pellam is alone when a thought hits him:
PELLAM: Fuck! Even if I got replies from those birds, they won't know I've moved!
EXT. 87 FAIRLEIGH/DRIVE -- DAY
Two attractive young women are standing across the road from the Smallthorns' old residence. One is perusing a letter.
ANASTASIA: (addressing her friend in Latvian) This is definitely the address. But he obviously isn't here anymore!
BEGIN FLASHBACK:
AHAB Hunt is the self-styled nemesis of Pellam. His real motivation is jealousy at Pellam's unlikely female
following. He is intent on doing anything in his power to assist that gang of local men -- which includes his two grandchildren, Shades and Squeaker -- in their pursuit of the hapless Pellam's women. In fact, he has a vested interest in his grandsons’ success!
INT. 54 IRE HOUSE -- NIGHT
DAYDREAM SEQUENCE -- INT. -- MONTAGE
1. Pellam is engaged in an orgy with numerous teenage girls.
2. Hunt's first grandson, Walter Hunt (“SHADES”) -- a short, pig-like young man of about seventeen -- is in his bedroom, tearfully masturbating -- still wearing his sunglasses.
3. Hunt's second grandson, the toad-like, Richard (“SQUEAKER”), is in a bathroom -- likewise, tearfully masturbating.
END DREAM SEQUENCE.
I/E. MONTAGE AROUND SENLAC
1) Ahab Hunt is standing on the pavement. He gives the Smallthorn boys daggers looks as they go by in their
Stingray.
2) As Squeaker is refueling the Smallthorn brothers' car, he looks as if he is going to cry.
3) As the Smallthorn boys come to the end of the road, in front of them is a junction onto the main road of Senlac. By the side of the road is Francesca. She is with Shorters. She is kissing him; and he looks around the village, cockily. -- When she sees the car, Francesca stops and stares, almost angrily. She thinks Pellam has forsaken her, and rues it all the more that he seems to have a flash car -- it being left-hand drive, and he sitting on the right side.
4) Pellam and Mordred are driving through Senlac town centre. Sitting on a bench is Francesca, Shorters, and another girl, around twenty years, IRENE. Francesca laughs as Shorters puts his hand on Irene's knee. Irene is offended. -- Then Irene spots the Smallthorn's car. She ch
eers up!
CLOSE UP OF IRENE'S HOPEFUL FACE.
END FLASHBACK.
I/E. FAIRLEIGH ROAD -- NIGHT
Pellam has a 1980s Corvette (not a Stingray). He has parked it up in his former road. He sits in the car, bored. His parents drive by. Neither look happy to see him there, but Arfur frowns particularly.