by Jay Foolatum
LATER
Irene walks by, with another young woman. That girl is very small. She draws the girl's attention to the car, and whispers to her. Pellam sees the pair.
PELLAM: (thinking) She looks like one of mine; -- they both do! (darkening) I don't like that they 'ave to whisper. -- As the girls pass 54 Fairleigh Road, they look uneasily over to it. Pellam notes this too, with similar unease.
I/E. 87 FAIRLEIGH -- DAY
Irene pushes a pushchair past Pellam's house. He watches her from his window.
PELLAM: (thinking) A swift victory! (thoughtful) But 'ow can I be sure it's ‘er? What if I approached 'er and it weren't? What would I say? (beat) It could be 'er... But if it ain't, then it's embarrassing.
INT. 87 FAIRLEIGH/LOUNGE -- NIGHT
The Smallthorns are gathered together. For once, Arfur is distracted from the television.
ARFUR: (addressing Pellam, and in an exaggeratedly posh voice) Are you still seeing the Hobson girl? (Pellam tries to contain his mirth at the silly voice and the even sillier notion that he would be interested in Hobson! This angers Arfur more.)
PELLAM: (trying to keep a straight face) No... No.
MORDRED: (blase) You wouldn't want too, would yer! (Pellam enthusiastically agrees. Arfur is confused.)
I/E. FAIRLEIGH ROAD -- NIGHT
Pellam is once more parked in Fairleigh Road. This time he has Hobson with him. As he is parked there, Francesca walks down the road. She looks glum, but clearly hopes Pellam will approach her. Awhile after, the girl who had been with Irene, in an earlier scene, does the same thing.
PELLAM: (O.S.) (thinking) The irony! I feel I could approach these women now -- buoyed up by 'aving 'Obson with me. Yet, for the very same reason, I don't feel it's appropriate!
HOBSON: You're one of those men who eye other girls up all the time, ain't yer!
LATER
Hobson leaves. As she does so, a car passes, and sounds its horn, causing her to look back.
PELLAM: (thinking) I might've felt better 'aving Hobson with me, but I don't fink it was a good move! with 'indsight. I suspect it’s offended me women!
EXT. CAR PITCH -- DAY
Arfur, accompanied by Mordred, collars Monk, whilst he is working.
ARFUR: Anything new about those birds, Leigh?
MONK: (trying to contain his mirth) Yeah, ol' man ‘Unt's boys ‘ave got 'em.
ARFUR: (interested) 'Oo?
MONK: That ol' man ‘oo lives over the road from where you used to live. ‘Is boys ‘ave moved in with ‘im, and they've got those birds now. (beat) They've forgotten all about your boy. (Arfur is trying to place the old man, but struggles to keep his delight from bursting out.)
ARFUR: (smug) The reason I asked, is 'cause 'e's started looking about 'round your way. Looking for 'em, like.
MONK: ‘E'll be out of luck! Ol' man Hunt's loaded!
ARFUR: Ha, ha, ha! 'Ow would yer feel, eh! (beat) Well, 'e 'ad 'is chance, eh! (Monk concurs.)
MONK: One of the boys -- Shades -- is tricky too!
EXT. IRE VILLAGE - DAY
Irene is walking down the street when she is approached by Shades. She quickens her step to try to avoid him, but he speeds up to keep up with her.
SHADES: You ain't gotta wait for him!
IRENE: (stressed) I have! It's why we came here.
SHADES: (angered) You've done your best. He ain't interested. He's gay. He prefers a wank. (Irene is amused at the thought!) I'm doing this for you! What's the point of wasting yer life trying to help someone who don't wanna be helped?
IRENE: (resigned) I know, -- but we said we would!
SHADES: (still angry) He's had his chance! What about me? Where's my chance? All I need's one chance, and I'll show yer! What have you got to lose? (For some reason, Irene finds this statement amusing.) -- (slyly) You see: you knew I was right all along! (Irene cannot control her mirth any longer, and gives in to Shades.)
EXT. CAR PITCH -- DAY
Arfur and Monk are still the same.
ARFUR: (laughing) Tricky, eh! Smooth, eh! Haha! Great, eh! Leigh.
INSERT: HUNT’S USED CAR PITCH, FILLED WITH CHEAP CARS
INT. FLAT ABOVE CHEAP CAR PITCH/BEDROOM -- NIGHT
Ahab Hunt has set his grandsons up on this pitch as a means of competing with the Smallthorns. There is a flat above, and Shades is having sex with Irene.
INT. FLAT ABOVE CHEAP CAR PITCH/BEDROOM -- NIGHT
Ahab is in a wardrobe, spying on the pair. He is masturbating.
INT. 91 GEORGIAN HOUSE/LOUNGE - NIGHT
It is later that same evening. The Smallthorns are once more gathered around the television. The programme features a group of monks. They are all inhumanely ugly. Arfur is once again smug, and looks from the television to Pellam, sitting in a separate sofa.
PELLAM: (thinking) I know what 'e's thinking: 'E can see the resemblance between those monks and the Ginj-mates, and can't believe ‘is luck that such a feeble bunch of cunts could get me women! Deep down ‘e must've thought they had no chance!
ARFUR: (sardonic) This is good this, innit, -- eh, Will! -- Good, eh! -- Eh, Will! Good this, innit!
PELLAM: (annoyed) Is it? (Pellam's reply pleases Arfur more. Feeling uncomfortable, Pellam leaves the room. This increases Arfur's delight!)
ARFUR: (addressing Gwynne) I was talking to Monkey today, -- about those birds.
GWYNNE: (uninterested) Oh yeah? (Mordred becomes interested.)
ARFUR: 'E said they're not interested in Will anymore. They've found a couple of local boys.
GWYNNE: That'll be that Ginge and his soppy mates. (beat) How come there so good so sudden? They haven't been able to get anywhere up to now!
ARFUR: Nuh, not them. Two rich kids; -- brothers.
GWYNNE: What? You serious? -- in Ire Village! (sarcastic) I'm sure it's full of rich kids!
ARFUR: Well, Monkey wouldn't lie, would 'e! 'E'd 'ave no reason to!
GWYNNE: I wouldn't be so sure! He also said he'd known of those birds chasing other people about. (Arfur is amused by the remembrance of the old lie, but Mordred is a tad more embarrassed.)
ARFUR: (with feigned disgust, but enthusiasm) 'E says yer wouldn't believe the things they get up to! Two birds at a time... Every act... No inhibitions... Swinging their knickers ‘round their ‘eads...
GWYNNE: You're only jealous. (beat) Besides, that's only 'cause they can't get Will! They'd be doing that with him otherwise. (On those last two notes, both Arfur and Mordred are metaphorically knocked off their feet!) -- Besides, who'd want 'em swinging their shitty knickers above their heads!
I/E. CAR - TRAVELLING
Arfur and Mordred are travelling into work. Both are concerned, but especially the older.
ARFUR: I don't trust 'im!
MORDRED: Nuh!
ARFUR: I could see 'im asking mum, and 'er telling 'im. (Mordred looks concerned.) 'E's a sneaky bastard! (turning to Mordred)) Eh?
MORDRED: Yeah!
FLASHBACK:
INT. 86 IRE VILLAGE/LAWD'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
SFX: RIDE THE BULLET BY ARMY OF LOVERS
In a former address, Pellam is celebrating passing his driving test. It is evening, and he is dancing, -- very badly. He has his light on and does not realise he can be seen through the thin curtains. It is as if he is in a trance!
INT. OLDSCHOOL HIGH COMPREHENSIVE - NIGHT
In Pellam's old form room, a caretaker listens in near-disbelief as the words below ring out in Pellam's awful
singing voice.
PELLAM: (singing)
GONNA RIDE THE BULLET
GONNA RIDE THE BULLET
GONNA RIDE THE BULLET, OH YEAH.
FADE TO BLACK
END OF FLASHBACK.
INT. 91 GEORGIAN HOUSE -- MONTAGE
Wherever Pellam walks, Arfur closely follows him, singing, with a maniacal grin.
ARFUR: (singing in a cockney libretto) I'm her yesterday man. That's what I am, her yesterday man. La, la, la, la, la. (beat) Cast yer
mind back ten years -- or is it fifteen -- to the girl who's next to me in school. If I put me hand upon her leg she'd hit me with a rule. Cue up for Shades 'n' wait yer turn. The lads across the street throw light like it were a rainbow. La, la, la, la, la.
INT. 91 GEORGIAN HOUSE/LOUNGE -- NIGHT
The Smallthorns are watching motocross on the television. A rider overtakes two bikes at once. Arfur makes a point of drawing Lawd's attention to this.
ARFUR: See that, Will? 'E did 'em both!
PELLAM: Yeah... Skillful, -- and brave!
ARFUR: Both, eh! Did 'em both! Both, eh, Will! (By this time, Pellam is well aware that it is a veiled attack.
He gets up to vacate the room.)
PELLAM: I don't like motocross much anyway. I wasted enough time doing that in my past. (Arfur is pleased to see him depart.)
ARFUR: (singing, in his cockney libretto) Ha ha said the clown.
I/E. IRE VILLAGE -- DAY
Pellam is parked up in the usual place, pretending to be talking to someone on a mobile telephone. Irene comes by with Shades. Irene now has a baby, and they are saying their adeus to Ahab and Bertha. -- When Irene sees Pellam, she freezes to the spot, as if she can not tear herself away from staring at him. Shades looks annoyed, and colours. He tries to give off an impression that Pellam is bothering her, though Pellam has not so much as glanced in her direction. Likewise, Irene tries to make it look that way too.
I/E. IRE VILLAGE -- NIGHT
Pellam is parked up, when Francesca, Irene, Gormley and Shorters come past his car. The girls are drunk, and giggle at the prospect, whereas the men wear embarrassed, hang dog expressions.
PELLAM: (thinking) I 'spose they're off for an orgy? (beat) See the way the Ginj-mates were embarrassed to see me 'ere? Those girls are just drunken sluts, of course, who'll lay with pretty much anything... That's the attraction for the Ginj-mates.
EXT. IRE VILLAGE -- DAY
Pellam is driving through Ire Village when he notices Francesca walking by the side of the road. He pulls his car over to talk to her, but she turns away, laughing, and disappears rapidly up a side road.
PELLAM: (puzzled; thinking) Maybe it's because it's broad daylight?
INT. 54 IRE HOUSE -- DAY
The Hunts are gathered at their home.
SQUEAKER: (close to tears) He tried to approach Francesca today. (The elder Hunts are stunned into silence; and Shade's enthusiastically nods in agreement.)
AHAB: (concerned) What 'appened, boy? What 'appened? What did she do? 'Ow did she react?
SQUEAKER: Well, she turned him down, -- of course. But... (Ahab is thoughtful.)
AHAB: (thinking aloud) I never thought 'e'd 'ave the guts! (The rest of the Hunts are in accord.) It's that fucking car! It's given 'im confidence. (beat) I tell yer what, boys: this is what yer gonna do: (The Hunt boys listen, but do not seem convinced.)
FADE OUT.
FADE IN:
AHAB (continuing, and addressing Squeaker) What is it they call yer, boy?
BERTHA: (piping in) Willy.
AHAB: I know that! I know that, don't I! I mean 'is nickname, yer daft bat! (beat) Squeaky arse? Shit-arse, is it, they call yer? boy.
BERTHA: (in all innocence) They call 'im that 'cause 'e's scared of everythink and everybody.
SQUEAKER: (upset) No, it's not! It's 'cause of my squeaky voice. (beat) 'Cause of blue balls: from not
getting enough sex.
AHAB: Exactly! Exactly! me boy. You don't wanna be known for being a shit-arse! (Squeaker shakes his head, as he feels his grandfather has got it wrong.) But what about this for a nickname? 'Squealer'? Eh? boy. “Squealer”? known for grassing up yer enemies and rivals, eh? boy. (Squeaker struggles to restrain his appreciation and amusement for the appellation; as does Shades.) -- Exactly, me boy. Yer see where I'm coming from? You go to the police: 'E's never gonna be insured on a car like that, is 'e! (The Hunt boys are amused at the thought.)
EXT. IRE VILLAGE - NIGHT
Pellam is again parked at the familiar venue. At a house, opposite, Squeaker and Gormely visit. They knock on the door. When the neighbour comes to it, they enter into friendly discussion with him, and the two friends snigger to one another, as they look back to Pellam, in his car. Gormley has the letter that was retrieved by Monk, and shows it to the man. All three are generally amused.
EXT. IRE VILLAGE - DAY
Pellam has once more parked up in his car, and sits and waits. After a while, a police car pulls up. The two police officers get out and walk up to Pellam's car. The neighbours' curtains twitch.
POLICE OFFICER 1 addresses Lawd. POLICE OFFICER 2 is by his colleague's side.
POLICE OFFICER 1: May I ask what you're doing parked here? sir.
PELLAM: Listening to my stereo. (beat) I get a good reception here.
POLICE OFFICER 1: I don't suppose you've got your insurance cover note on you? (Pellam is organised, and carries all his documents with him.)
POLICE OFFICER 2: Well, can we see it then?
PELLAM: O... Yes, of course. (Pellam hands the certificate over to the officer. He reads it, and addresses his colleague.)
POLICE OFFICER 2: It's a trader's insurance. (The officer hands the document back to Pellam.)
POLICE OFFICER 1: Would you mind getting out and opening your boot? sir.
PELLAM: Yeah.
POLICE OFFICER 1: Yeah, what?
PELLAM: I would mind opening me boot.
POLICE OFFICER 1: May I ask why? sir.
PELLAM: 'Cause I ain't got a boot. I've got a trunk. (Pellam steps out of the car, as the two officers eye one
another. Pellam goes around to the back of his car and opens the trunk. The police officers are standing right behind him, and the antenna, adjoined to the boot, whiplashes, almost hitting Officer 1 in the face. His colleague tries to restrain his amusement. -- The police officers check the boot and can find nothing untoward.
POLICE OFFICER 1: It's just we've had a lot of complaints about you; -- an amazing amount, as a matter of fact!
PELLAM: You would've!
Without niceties, the police officers return to their car. -- Pellam has an idea, and leaves promptly.
I/E. PELLAM'S CAR
This is nearly out of road tax. The delay'll lull the Ginj-mates and their supporters into a false sense of
security.
SUPERIMPOSE: A FEW DAYS LATER.
I/E. IRE VILLAGE -- NIGHT
Pellam is again parked up. Shades visits another neighbour. He gets no answer, and nervously glances over to Pellam, in his car.
PELLAM: (thinking) There's no point trying. The police ain't likely to come out for a second time! They don’t like working at the best of times!
LATER
Irene makes her way down the opposite side of the road from where Pellam is parked. She is closely followed by Gormley; though she tries to put some distance between them. Gormley looks foolish and angry, and edgely eyes Pellam, in his car, as he endeavours to keep up with her.
I/E. IRE VILLAGE - NIGHT
Four men are walking towards Pellam's parked car. Pellam sits inside. They consist of three Ginj-mates, and another man. Shorters is at the head; Squeaker trails behind, sniggering; and Gormely accompanies the other man, in between. The other man is Pellam's old school friend, JEREMIAH, -- now in his early twenties. As they draw level with Pellam's car Gormley addresses Jeremiah, leaning over him as he speaks. Jeremiah looks tired, as if running low on patience.
GORMLEY: (smirking) Have you fucked Aholibah yet? (Jeremiah disinterestedly nods his assent.)
PELHAM: (thinking) Who the fuck's Aholibah? (beat) Presumably one of me women! (thoughtful) That thicko, “Gormless Local”, as I call him, has inadvertently confirmed my suspicions. Up until this point I didn't know whether I was imagining the existence of these followers of mine or not! (half-laughing to himself) The thick cunt!
I/E. IRE VILLAGE - DAY
Pellam is parked in the usual spot when he notices the following girl, ca
rrying a newborn baby, get in a car with Bertha. The girl's name is Stephanie.
LAWD: (to the camera, and with sarcasm) I wonder if they'd jump in me grave so quickly!
The girl appears in the following sequence.