by Jay Foolatum
SHORTY: (dawning) Oh, you asked 'er, 'ave yer? (Both Gormley and Tabitha tell him to 'shut it!')
GORMLEY: We won't say a word. (thoughtful) We don't wanna upset the boss man, 'ere! -- And we're leave yer alone from then on! You can go out with yer mates without anyone bothering yer -- (laughs) Not that we'd want to fuck yer mates! (Squeaker, Shorters, and Tabitha laugh too.)
GORMLEY: Will's granddad is going to take it out on yer boyfriend before long anyway! if yer don't give up on 'im.
MERCEDES: I don't have a boyfriend. I only want to do him a favour.
GORMLEY: Sleep with Will, and 'is ol’ man won't kill yer boy... Er,... Smallthorn, I mean. (beat) Besides, if yer give 'im a kid, we'll get our kids to pick on it all the time at school. (beat) Also, if yer go for a meal, we’ll know the chef, and ‘e’ll put a bogey in yer food. (beat) And yer won’t get in any club, will yer, ‘cause we’re -- (amused) well, except for Will -- all the doorman, ain’t we!
TABITHA: He's right, Merc! I know you want another one, but one by Pellam is not a good idea! It'll be given a hard time.
MERCEDES: It'll have a pretty face though!
GORMLEY: Not if I ground yer boyfriend's face into the ground!
TABITHA: That won't make a difference to the baby's face though, will it, dummy! (Gormley looks embarrassed.) -- But, seriously, Merc. You could do better when it comes to another child. -- Besides, Pellam's almost a paedophile--
MERCEDES: (amused) He's not!
TABITHA: He is! He'd rather have Jo than you! because she's not been with anyone.
MERCEDES: She's still only fourteen.
TABITHA: I know. But that's who he'd rather have! -- He can be sure she hasn't been with any of the Ire Village Crew!
MERCEDES: You know that wasn't our fault! We thought he wasn't interested in us. That's what his dad said! -- Then this lot didn't stop pestering us! (The men find that amusing.)
TABITHA: Yes. But he's not going to accept that, is he!
MERCEDES: Well, when he sees some of us... You know...
TABITHA: In all your glory? I wouldn't be so sure! I'm not convinced it's girls he likes!
MERCEDES: (laughs) He's not gay!
GORMLEY: 'E is! -- That's why you shouldn't be wasting your time on 'im! (cringeable) We only want what's best for yer, Merc!
TABITHA: Yes. You're too good to be on your own, Merc!
SQUEAKER: Too good for him, too! (The other men snort their approval.)
Mercedes is thoughtful.
MERCEDES: (reluctantly) Where did you have in mind then?
SQUEAKER: (pointing at the onsite cabin) The office. (Mercedes does not look convinced.)
MERCEDES: Has it got curtains? And a lock on the door?
SQUEAKER: Yeah.
MERCEDES: (giggly) Ok.
The rest of the company are elated
GORMLEY: (under his breath) 'E even thought to bring the key! (Shorters sniggers.)
Squeaker ushers Mercedes in to the office. As he does so, he takes a sly smirk back to his entourage. -- All the entourage are soon at the window.
GORMLEY: Don't worry! 'E'll put the light on, once she's warmed up!
I/E. CAR PITCH/OFFICE -- NIGHT
Both Squeaker and Mercedes are inside.
MERCEDES: Where's the curtains?
SQUEAKER: Oh, I dunno! The cleaner must've taken 'em down. (beat) (slyly) We need a new cleaner anyway.
MERCEDES: I could use a job myself.
Squeaker fumbles for the light.
SQUEAKER: I can't see a thing!
MERCEDES: What you doing that for? They'll all see! (His friends duck back quickly from the window.)
SQUEAKER: Hang on! (he opens the door and pokes his head out.)
SQUEAKER (whispering) Get lost, will yer! (in a whisper) Lie low for a bit! (the expectant voyeurs obey with a collective snigger. Squeaker closes the door again.)
SQUEAKER: (continuing) I told them to leave.
MERCEDES: I can't hear a car?
SQUEAKER: They said they was going to walk round to The Gayfellows, and wait for me there.
All the group are at the window.
SHORTY: We was right about 'er tits!
TABITHA: I could have told you that already! I've seen 'em loads of times!
SHORTY: It must be great being a bird! Getting to see all yer mates' tits! -- when they're getting dressed, I mean.
TABITHA: It works both ways, doesn't it? I mean, you all pee next to each other, don't you -- in public toilets.
SHORTY: Yeah, but I don't look!
TABITHA: That's not what I've heard!
SHORTY: (put out) 'Oo said that about me?
GORMLEY: She's winding you up, mate! (beat)(delighted) Look, see! I knew it was Squeaker she wanted all along!
TABITHA: (amused) I think it's got more to do with not having had sex for the last three years or more!
GORMLEY: Nuh! It's 'cause she wants 'im. She wanted 'im all along! -- All birds do!
TABITHA: Sounds like you do, too! (Gormley is disgusted that people might think that!)
GORMLEY: But I'm 'is cousin anyways!
TABITHA: The whole town's his cousin! -- And his mother, and his father, and his sister, and his brother... (Gormley is put out at the suggestion of inbreeding.)
I/E. HAYNES'S CAR -- DAY
Mitchell Haynes is driving a car around Senlac, with Gormley in the passenger seat. Gormley is in hysterics as he relays a story to Haynes.
GORMLEY: She was on top of 'im, tits in 'is mouth! We was pissing ourselves! I wanted to record it, but Tabs wouldn't let me.
HAYNES: Why didn't yer just ignore her? I'd've liked to have seen that!
GORMLEY: I'm on with Tabs, so I didn't want to fuck it up!
HAYNES: What's she like? -- Tabitha.
GORMLEY: Not bad! -- A bit fat!
Gormley starts laughing again.
GORMLEY: (continuing) Squeaker said Merc fucking stank! (Both men laugh.)
After a pause.
HAYNES: You interested in this then?
GORMLEY: What?
HAYNES: The motor.
GORMLEY: Oh, yeah. -- Maybe! -- Nuh, I don't think so! It's not what we're looking for. (Haynes looks bewildered!)
INT. 54 IRE HOUSE -- DAY
Squeaker is on the sofa, sobbing. His grandparents try to console him.
SQUEAKER: What if she goes to the fucking law?
AHAB: She won't, boy! Don't worry about it! It's just a threat. -- And, if she does, I'll buy 'em off!
SQUEAKER: (distraught) You can't really buy off the police! (sobs) Besides, this is gonna make her want the freak all the more now! She won't let me anywhere near her! (This thought alarms Ahab.)
BERTHA: 'E's right, dad! Let me talk to the girl. I might be able to talk 'er round?
AHAB: What you gonna be able to do, yer soppy ol'...!
Ahab becomes thoughtful. -- After a while, he resumes.
AHAB: (continuing) I'll tell yer what, mum: If yer wanna 'elp--
BERTHA: Of course I wanna 'elp! I don't like seeing 'im like this!
AHAB: Shut it! -- Listen! This is what yer gonna do...
FADE TO BLACK
INT. MERCEDES' APARTMENT - DAY
Mercedes opens the door, to be surprised by Bertha standing there.
BERTHA: I know this is unexpected, luv. But I think we owe you a apology... May I come in?
MERCEDES: Er...
BERTHA: I promise I'll go the minute you tell me too, luv. No one knows I'm 'ere. I came of me own accord. I wanted to apologize for me grandsons behaviour. (Reluctant, Lucretia permits her to stay.)
BERTHA: (continuing) Now, I know yer angry, and could report William to the police, if yer wanted to.
MERCEDES: My friends already have.
BERTHA: (surprised) Ah! (beat) It were just that I thought we might be able to do a few things to make it up to yer. -- For instance, you and yer daughters mustn't 'ave 'ad a 'oliday for quite some time?
MERCEDES: I can't
remember when we last had one!
BERTHA: Ah, well, maybe we could 'elp with that! (beat) Also, Will said something about you needing a job.
MERCEDES: I could use one.
BERTHA: Ah, yes. We could 'elp with that too.
MERCEDES: Yes. He mentioned something about a cleaner. -- I don't want to do that though!
BERTHA: Oh no! Nothing as lowly as that, dear. -- There's a lot o' ways we can 'elp. An' we want to... Willy's beside 'imself with what 'appened! -- 'E thinks 'e must've 'ad too much to drink!
MERCEDES: I did! -- I'm going teetotal!
INT. GEORGIAN HOUSE/HALL -- DAY
Arfur and Mordred pass one another.
ARFUR: You 'eard from Mick lately?
MORDRED: 'Oo?
ARFUR: Mick! -- or whatever 'e's called.
MORDRED: Mitch?
ARFUR: Yeah. -- Silly name, innit!
MORDRED: Yeah. 'E's comin' round later.
ARFUR: (pleased) Goodo! (Arfur rubs his hands together in anticipation.)
INT. GEORGIAN HOUSE/KITCHEN -- DAY
Haynes is talking with Arfur and Mordred.
MITCHELL: He's done her!
ARFUR: (excited) Let's 'ear all the gory details!
MITCHELL: Well, he actually led her into a trap...
FADE OUT.
FADE IN:
MITCHELL: The thing is, it's like Squeaker's ol' granddad says: that'll be the last chance... Will -- your Will -- will ever have to get a bird.
ARFUR: Haha! Yeah. (Then the implication sinks in, and Arfur wonders whether he should be happy about that: ultimately, he wants rid of his son.)
Haynes is about to leave.
MITCHELL: Oh, I was going to say: He was so impressed by her body, he's gonna try to get her again. (beat) Not just the one time, to repay...Will for retaliating against them. (beat) Then, when he's done with her, it's our go!
ARFUR: Ahahaha! Great!
When Haynes has gone, father and son resume conversation.
ARFUR: I don't want that motor of 'is. It's a shit box, innit! (Mordred silently and amusedly nods his approval.) -- I thought they was better than that: those Ire Village brothers, didn't you? (Mordred agrees, again.)
Arfur rushes out of the room.
EXT. CAR PITCH -- DAY
Mercedes is cleaning a car on Ahab Hunt's pitch. It is a hot day, and she is skimpily dressed. Her white top has been made transparent by the water and her breasts are rubbing against the screen. Ahab stands next to her, looking at her breasts out of the corner of his eye.
AHAB: I dunno why yer don't choose a local lad? You're too beautiful to be single!
MERCEDES: I don't want a boyfriend. -- Besides, it wouldn't be fair on Pellam!
AHAB: (angry) 'Oo cares about 'im! Let 'im wank! -- 'E's gay anyway!
MERCEDES: I know. -- It doesn't seem fair though.
There is a pause in the dialogue for a while.
AHAB: You need someone local. A local lad. (slyly eyes Mercedes) What about me grandsons? They're nice boys.
INT. PUBLIC HOUSE -- NIGHT
Joanna, a young girl in her early teens, is drinking with a few friends, when Gormley enters.
GORMLEY: (pleased with himself) You comin' 'ome with me tonight?
JOANNA: No.
GORMLEY: Smallthorn doesn't want yer! 'Is brother said 'e only wanted Mercedes; and, now she's gone, 'e ain't interested in the rest of yer. (Joanna bursts into tears; much to Gormley's delight.)
INT. GEORGIAN HOUSE/LOUNGE -- NIGHT
Arfur and his wife are watching television, relaxing. Arfur is feeling down.
ARFUR: I can't believe that bloke went an' squealed! I'm gonna look a right cunt now! in front of Ray and Barny.
GWYNNE: Your sister'll have a field day too!
Arfur is grumpy. Gwynne gets up and leaves the room. -- At that moment, Pellam walks in. Arfur huffs at the site of him. Pellam looks more happy with himself than normal.
PELLAM: Shame about the credit card fing not workin' out, eh dad? The ol' Bill finding out about it, an' all that! (Pellam sniggers to himself. This enrages Arfur, and he gets up and storms out.
EXT. GEORGIAN HOUSE -- DAY
Arfur paces up and down in the in-and-out gravel drive.
ARFUR: I bet it was 'is doing! I bet 'e put the thought into the cozzers' 'eads! I bet 'e did! (At that moment, he has a heart attack and drops to the ground.)
Gwynne and Mordred rush to him, and help him up.
GWYNNE: D'you want me to call a doctor?
ARFUR: No rush! -- Just let us sit down and watch a bit o' telly for a bit. I'll be just fine!
INT. HOSPITAL -- DAY
Arfur is in hospital and his immediate family are visiting him. A foreign nurse attends to him. Pellam is eyeing her.
NURSE: (whispering to Gwynne) You'll have to excuse him. He's delirious. He keeps going on about someone called “Ginge”.
GWYNNE: Ok.
The family start to leave.
ARFUR: Mord. (Mordred excuses himself to his family, and goes back to his father's bedside.
ARFUR: 'As that Range Rover sold yet? -- the one with the bull bars.
MORDRED: Nuh.
ARFUR: Make sure yer sell it. (Mordred gives a tearful nod.)
ARFUR: An' Mord.
Mord: Yeah?
ARFUR: Move away. -- Out the area. That'll foil 'im! (Mordred gives an amused nod at the suggestion.)
INT. 54 IRE HOUSE -- NIGHT
A party is going on. It is attended by all the Hunts and their Ginj-mates, and many of Pellam's former followers.
GORMLEY: (addressing Francesca) It was good of Squeaker's granddad to put on a spread to celebrate the freak's ol' man's death, weren't it?
FRANCESCA: Yes. -- If he's dead! I'm wondering if he didn't fake his death to escape some crime, and is now living in, say, South Africa, or somewhere like that. (Gormley gives her a puzzled look.) -- Where's Haynes anyway?
GORMLEY: That's another kind thing Squeaker's ol' man did. 'E gave Mitch the money to go on 'oliday. To say thanks for 'is 'elp with getting Merc. (pause) Mind you, 'e'd 'ave got 'er in the end anyway!
FRANCESCA: (sarcastic) Yes. And maybe before she reached pension age!
GORMLEY: (confused) Yeah.
FRANCESCA: Where's he gone to? Turkey? -- We might see him next week, when we're all out there. (laughs to herself) -- with Mercedes. (Gormley laughs too.) I'm waiting to see if these tits are as great as I've been hearing about! -- I hope not!
GORMLEY: They are!
FRANCESCA: How would you know!
GORMLEY: I've already been there. (Francesca is incredulous.) -- Nuh. 'Ayne's gone to the ball bearing factory in Sweden.
With that, Francesca makes a swift exit; over to Mercedes.
FRANCESCA: Looking forward to Gallipoli next week, Merc?
INT. GEORGIAN HOUSE/LOUNGE -- NIGHT
The remaining Smallthorns are together in the lounge. For once, the television is not on.
GWYNNE: So, what do you think, Will?
PELLAM: What about? Moving oop norf?
GWYNNE: (sarcastic) Yeeeees! -- What we've been talking about for the last half hour.
PELLAM: What you two 'ave been talking about for the last 'arf 'our!
GWYNNE: (impatient) Well?
PELLAM: I don't like the thought of it. But I 'ate it 'ere too. In fact, I would very much like for Russia or China to drop a nuclear bomb on Senlac... Except perhaps if it got Katrina, next door, when she's 'it sixteen!
GWYNNE: I take it that's a yes, then?
PELLAM: 'Spose.
EXT. 54 IRE VILLAGE -- DAY
The celebration is still going on. The party has reached the garden. The majority of the party-goers are chanting: 'We beat 'im! We beat 'im! Ahab Hunt does a jig. It is ridiculous, but all agree it is the best dance they have ever seen!