Unforgiven

by Rebecca Shea

  “That girl you brought is inside looking for you.”

  “Yeah, better get back inside.” He never takes his haunting blue eyes off of me. “Nice talking to you,” he says, tilting his head to the side. “Nice talking business with you.” He saunters away with a cocky attitude.

  “You okay?”

  “God, why do you always think I’m in trouble or that something’s wrong?” I lash out at Jonah. “I’m fine.”

  “Lindsay, calm down. Jesus. I saw Dom’s hand on your shoulder and you looked uncomfortable.”

  “I’m fine. I’m going to get Jess and we’re going to head back to my place. Thanks for having us over.” I try to push past him, but his long arm grabs me at my elbow, stopping me.

  “What did he mean ‘talking business’ with you? Is he where you’re getting your pills from? So help me God, Lindsay, if it’s him… I’ll fucking kill him.” My heart races as I watch Jonah’s face become angrier. He snatches my drink from my hand and dumps it into a potted plant that sits on the balcony. “And don’t fucking mix alcohol and pills, do you understand me?” His eyes soften, going from anger to concern.

  “Let go of me,” I say through gritted teeth as I yank my arm out of his grasp. “Thanks for having us over.” My tone is snarky. I just want to get out of here. I enter the condo and immediately find Jess.

  “Hey,” she says as I walk up to her.

  “Let’s go.” I walk past her and wait for her at the front door. She says goodbye to the girls she was speaking with earlier and, as we leave, I see Jonah watching us with a scowl on his face. “Sorry, wasn’t in the mood to hang out,” I tell Jess as we leave.

  “It’s fine. I came to spend time with you, not your neighbors.” She bumps her shoulder against mine. “Let’s have some more wine and just catch up.”

  “I’d like that,” I admit. Jess heads straight for the small wine fridge that’s built into the kitchen island and pulls out another bottle while I head to the bedroom to change. I close the bedroom door behind me and pull the baggie of pills from my front pocket. I take out two and set them on my tongue while I hide the baggie under a book in the drawer of my nightstand. I lean over the bathroom sink and drink some water directly from the tap.

  Using the pads of my fingers, I wipe what I think is eyeliner from underneath my eyes, but soon realize that it’s dark circles and not make-up. I can hear Jess rummaging around out in the kitchen and I pull my hair into a messy bun and join her. She’s popping microwave popcorn and pouring two glasses of chilled white wine.

  “You haven’t changed a bit.” I laugh as I walk through the living room and pull one of the wine glasses off the kitchen island.

  “Why do you say that?” She smiles.

  “You’re still obsessed with microwave popcorn.” She used to eat it all the time when we interned together in North Carolina.

  “And wine,” she interjects.

  “That too.” I laugh.

  “Where is there a large bowl?” she asks as she flings open cupboard doors.

  “I’m not sure. Check the cabinets beneath the island.”

  “How do you not know where you have a bowl?”

  “I never cook,” I say, sipping on my wine. I sit on the barstool that’s at the kitchen island and tuck one leg underneath, the other one swinging from the stool.

  “Lindsay, be honest with me. When is the last time you ate something? And don’t say tonight, because you didn’t take one bite of that salmon. I watched you.” She stands up and sets a large, plastic bowl on the granite counter. Her eyes soften when she looks at me. I should go on the defensive, but her eyes are concerned and I’m just so thankful I have someone here with me.

  “I eat,” I say, looking away from her.

  “What do you eat and when? Lindsay, you’ve lost so much weight since I’ve seen you last. And yes, that was a long time ago, but you’re too skinny.” I nod my head and swallow tightly. “I’m worried about you.” I turn and look at her. “Look at this place. Lindsay, you always have everything immaculate. You never left anything less than perfect; you were borderline OCD.” I shrug and watch her as she walks around the island and stands next to me.

  “Talk to me,” she says quietly. I lift the wine glass and press it against my lips. I take a large drink of the wine and set it on the counter in front of me.

  “Everything has gone to hell,” I stutter. Jess leans against the island and pushes herself up on the counter. She sits in front of me and crosses her legs. “I just don’t care about anything anymore.”

  “I’m all ears; let’s work this out.” She offers me a tight smile.

  “Jess, there’s nothing to work out. I’ve fucked up everything.”

  “What have you fucked up?”

  “My career, Matt… just everything.”

  “Start from the beginning.” She leans over and pulls her glass of wine to her. “We’ve got all night and then some.” I watch Jess as she settles in, on top of my cold granite counter, making herself at home. Her long, brown, wavy hair hangs loose over her shoulders and her long, tan legs twist into a knot as she sits cross-legged on my counter.

  “Wait!” she says, hopping off the counter and walking over to the microwave, pulling out the bag of freshly popped popcorn. She pulls at the edges of the paper bag it’s popped in and dumps the popcorn into a bowl. She walks back around and resumes her cross-legged position on the kitchen island with the bowl of popcorn tucked neatly in her lap.

  “Okay, go. From the beginning and don’t leave anything out.” She raises her eyebrows at me in warning. I take another sip of wine and then a deep breath. My palms are sweating and I can feel my emotions teetering on the edge of a steep cliff, waiting to spill over. My chin quivers lightly as I begin.

  “Matt and I quietly started seeing each other about two years ago, but you knew that.” I get lost momentarily in the memories of our first date, our first kiss… so many firsts together. “We never really dated; we just kind of settled into each other’s lives and never left. Our relationship progressed quickly, but everything about it was right. From the beginning we were inseparable. We both had our careers and our personal lives were great. I found my mom.” I take a quick sip of wine and let it slide down my throat. “That is another story, for another time.” Jess nods and pulls a handful of popcorn from the bowl. “We didn’t announce we were together or seeing each other until just a couple of months ago.”

  “Why?” Jess asks, scrunching her eyebrows in confusion.

  “Because he’s Landon’s best friend and ex-partner at work, and it was just weird. Plus, it became the worst kept secret in the history of relationships.” I roll my eyes.

  “I’m marrying my best friend’s older brother. I get it.” She smiles at me. “Go on.”

  “Anyway, Jack, my agent had been pressing me to take a job outside of WXZI. He kept telling me I’m better than the small market and that I belong in a top twenty market. So he started looking, quietly putting out feelers. Less than a week later, I had this offer on the table.” I sit up a little straighter and set my wine glass on the counter. Jess leans over and tops it off with the open bottle that is sitting next to her.

  “Jess, you know I love my job. I couldn’t imagine doing anything else…”

  “But…”

  “But, everything just happened so fast. I made irrational decisions based on what I thought I wanted or needed, and I destroyed everything in taking this job. I lost Matt, now I’ve fucked up this job because of some pretentious bitch-hole.” I clear my throat. “Everything I’ve loved has or is slipping through my fingers.”

  “Back up. What happened with Matt?”

  “Everything,” I mumble. Rubbing my head, I continue, “I remember the look on his face when he heard me tell Jack that I’d take this job in Phoenix. It wasn’t even anger; it was pure sadness and devastation. I’d chosen a job over him. He would have never chosen anything over me. I destroyed him in a matter of seconds. Who does that to the one pe
rson that means more to them than anyone else in the world? Me.”

  “Shit, Linds,” Jess says quietly.

  “He hates me.”

  “He doesn’t hate you. He’s hurt, but he doesn’t hate you. How long is the contract for?”

  “One year.” Jess tops off her glass of wine and hands me mine. “Let me ask you something, Jess. When you moved home, why didn’t you work in TV?”

  “Just wasn’t something I was passionate about anymore,” she admits. “But you love it, don’t you?”

  “I used to. But I don’t love it more than I love Matt.”

  “So then why did you take the job?”

  “Because I’ve always done what’s expected of me, what I should do. As you know, my life was no bed of roses growing up, so I always played it safe and set goals to achieve. This was on my list of goals, so I took the job. For once, I did something that I thought might make me happy.”

  “But this goal isn’t making you happy.”

  “It’s not.” I shake my head and feel a tear fall from my eye and roll down my cheek. I swat it away and sip some more wine.

  “So you haven’t been eating, or taking care of yourself or your place.” Jess looks around at my filthy condo. I shake my head.

  “You have to eat, Linds.”

  “I know,” I mumble.

  “You don’t look healthy.”

  I snort. “Well, according to the bitch-hole Amanda, I’m a fat cow.”

  “And you’re really going to listen to her? Newsrooms around the country are filled with crazy-ass women trying to compete with one another, calling each other fat or ugly. Come on, Lindsay; you’re smarter than that.”

  “She found my weak spot. I used to be anorexic in college,” I admit. “My life was such a mess back then, Jess. What I put in my mouth, or the lack thereof, was the only thing I could control. It was the only thing that made me feel powerful. It’s so easy to fall back into that trap when your life is spiraling out of control.”

  “You need help, Linds.” Jess sets the bowl of popcorn on the island and slides off. “Let me help you. We’ll start by getting this place cleaned up and look for some local resources to help you with the eating disorder.” She places her hand on my forearm. More tears spill from my eyes and, this time, I don’t bother to chase them away—I let them fall. Jess wraps her long arms around my neck and hugs me while I cry.

  “I’m sorry you came to spend time with me this weekend and, here I am, a total mess,” I say, pulling myself together.

  “I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else other than with my friend right now.”

  Jess and I spend the next few hours reminiscing and drinking more wine. I notice the three empty bottles on the kitchen island and find myself nearly dozing off. “I’m going to call it a night,” I say with a yawn and stretch my arms over my head.

  “I’m going to finish cleaning up out here,” Jess says as she turns on the kitchen sink. I stumble back to the bedroom, my eyes heavy and my head dizzy. I feel light-headed, I’m sure due to a combination of the wine and Oxy. I pull open the nightstand and feel around for the baggie. Pulling it from under the book, I try to open the top of the baggie through blurred vision, but before I do, I feel myself falling.

  “A royal flush,” I say with a straight face as I set my cards down on the felt table.

  “Bullshit,” I hear Landon say as he leans in to inspect my hand. “Bastard,” I hear as I see cards fly across the table! I reach in and pull the chips over to my side of the table and laugh.

  “I’ve never in my life had a royal flush,” I say, stacking the poker chips.

  “How in the hell did you manage that?” Landon asks as he collects the loose cards. His cell phone rings in his pocket. “Shit,” he grumbles. “Better not be work. I need a couple of hours sleep tonight.” I glance at my phone and can’t believe that it’s two-thirty in the morning. We’ve been playing poker for over five hours straight. Landon looks at his phone and back at me then back to his screen.

  “Who is it?” I ask, putting the chips in the heavy metal case.

  “Jess,” he says, confused. The phone stops ringing.

  “Jess?” I blurt out. “What is she doing calling you?” He shrugs and swallows hard, still looking at the missed call on his phone. The phone begins ringing again and he looks at me before swiping the answer icon and pushing himself away from the table to take the phone call. The other guys and I all watch him as he walks over to the other side of the game room.

  “What happened?” I hear him say as he runs his hand across his jaw. “Jesus Christ,” he mumbles into the phone. “How far away is he?” He paces the game room, glancing quickly at me. “Let him decide. Don’t leave her until he gets there and call an ambulance if anything changes before he arrives.” I jump up and move toward him. He watches me, then looks at the watch on his left wrist. “I’ll be on the first flight in the morning,” he says as he shoves the phone back in his front pocket.

  I jump in quickly. “Man, you cannot go running to her rescue. Don’t fall into this trap, Landon. She’s been gone for two years. Your entire life is falling into place…” I start preaching to him. I know how hard he took it when Jess left to move back home to California. It took him a long time to get over her and he is finally happy and engaged to Reagan. I won’t let him screw this up.

  “It’s not Jess,” he says quietly.

  “Then why is she calling you?” I set the metal case of poker chips on top of his wooden bar.

  “It’s Lindsay.”

  “Lindsay’s calling you from Jess’ phone?” Now I’m confused.

  “No. Jess is with Lindsay. Something happened to Lindsay.” He’s lost in thought and my adrenaline kicks in.

  “What happened to her?”

  “Jess found her in her room. Looks like she fell and hit her head on her nightstand, but she found a baggie full of pills next to her.”

  “What kind of pills?”

  “Jess doesn’t know, but she’s afraid to call an ambulance because she’s afraid that they’re illegal, and that if this is made public, it will destroy Lindsay’s career.”

  “Fuck her career.” I’m so angry right now. “She needs to call an ambulance.” I start yelling orders to Landon. “How many times on patrol have we seen this? Anything can happen to someone on pills. Dammit, Landon, call her back and tell her to call an ambulance. NOW!”

  “Gabe is on his way; he was about ten minutes away when she called him. He’s a firefighter or EMT. She’s going to let him make the call, then she’s going to call me back.” I’ve seen Landon in many situations throughout our friendship and this is the first time I’ve seen him truly shaken—scared.

  “What is all the yelling about? It’s almost three in the morning,” Reagan says, tying the belt on her robe as she walks tiredly into the game room. Her hair is a mess, as we’ve obviously woken her up. “Some of us have to work in the morning and be coherent enough to treat patients.”

  I look away from her and back to Landon. “I’m going with you; it’s not up for discussion.” He swallows and nods his head before walking toward Reagan.

  “It’s Lindsay,” Landon tells Reagan, pulling her into a hug. “Something’s happened and we’re waiting to get more details.” Landon begins telling Reagan the little information that we know and the other guys leave quietly, telling us to keep them updated. Time stands still as we wait to hear from Jess. Landon stares at the screen of his phone, willing it to ring, and Reagan has retreated to the kitchen to make coffee.

  “Hear anything yet?” Reagan asks as she carries two large mugs of steaming coffee.

  “Not yet,” I say as Landon remains silent and shakes his head.

  “Don’t panic, guys,” Reagan says quietly.

  “She said Gabe was ten minutes away and it’s been over twenty minutes since she called,” Landon says, setting the mug of coffee on the bar. Just then, Landon’s phone rings and vibrates all at the same time.

  “It’s
her,” he says before answering. “Jess?” I notice his hand shaking as he raises the phone to his ear.

  “Mmm hmm, okay. Okay. Thank you.” He pulls the phone away from his ear and ends the call. “They called an ambulance. Gabe said she has a pretty decent head laceration and most likely a concussion. Her pulse was weak, not terrible, but she’s dehydrated and he’s concerned about the pills and how many she took.”

  “What pills was she taking?” Reagan asks from the sofa, where she sits bundled under a blanket.

  “She wasn’t taking anything I was aware of. She finished her pain meds when she completed rehab months ago,” I inform them as I grab my phone and keys from the bar.

  “Go pack,” Reagan says, pushing the blanket off of her. “I’ll book you two tickets and text you with the details. I’ll drop you off at the airport.” She walks over and hugs Landon before leaving us.

  “What the fuck is going on?” Landon asks me.

  “I wish I knew,” I reply numbly.

  Four and a half hours later, Landon and I are on a flight to Phoenix. Five hours after that, we land in Phoenix. One hour later, Landon and I are walking into Good Samaritan Hospital in downtown Phoenix. Jess has texted Landon the floor information as Lindsay hasn’t yet been placed into a room. We ride the elevator to the second floor and exit. The hallways are white and sterile, exactly like every other hospital. We walk the long corridor until we get to a centrally located desk where three other hallways connect.

  “Lindsay Christianson,” Landon announces at the desk. The nurse checks her computer before turning back to Landon.

  “We’re just getting her settled into a room. You can take a seat in the waiting room down the hall and a doctor will be in to speak with you before you can see her,” she says with a short smile. We walk down the hall where the nurse directed us and open the door. Jess sits sleeping, curled up in a ball with her head resting on the shoulder of whom I presume is Gabe, her fiancé.

  Gabe looks up and nods at both of us before gently waking Jess. Her green eyes pop open and she jumps up quickly from the chair and walks to Landon. He immediately pulls her into a hug and she starts crying against his chest. Landon comforts her, shushing her and rubbing her back. I chance a look at Gabe, who looks uncomfortable and quickly stands up.