Unforgiven

by Rebecca Shea

  By the time I make it back to my condo, the hallway is clear, which means Jonah must safely be inside his. The hall is clear of Jonah, yet the smell of stale booze and cigarettes still hangs in the air. Rather than prolong the inevitable, I knock on his door and wait for him to answer. When he doesn’t answer, I knock again and wait. This time, the door opens slowly and Jonah stands in a pair of sweat pants and nothing else. His chest is bare and his hair is messy. I’ve obviously woken him up.

  “I can come back later,” I say, taking a step backwards.

  “No. Come in,” he says, rubbing his eyes. “I’ve been waiting to talk to you.” I inhale sharply when I step through the door and into his condo. His kitchen is a disaster; every countertop surface is covered in liquor bottles, beer cans, and cups half full of god only knows what. My shoes cling to the sticky wood floor as I walk through the living room.

  “Sorry about the mess,” he says with a little laugh. “When did you get back?” he asks as he motions for me to take a seat on his black leather sofa. I eye the couch suspiciously, choosing to remain standing.

  “Yesterday. I’m leaving tomorrow.”

  “For good?”

  “Yeah. I took a job back in Wilmington,” I say quietly. We stand in awkward silence as we take in the sight of each other. Under clear and sober eyes, Jonah looks so much younger than I remember. His hair has grown out and patches of facial hair are growing along his jawline. I shift uncomfortably from foot to foot as I ponder the right words to use for what I have to say.

  “Jonah, what happened with us…” He sighs loudly and laces his fingers behind his head, his tan chest and muscular stomach on full display right in front of me. “It should never have happened.”

  “It wasn’t just a one-night thing for me,” he says quietly.

  “I don’t know how to say this without upsetting you, so bear with me. Jonah, you’ve been a great friend to me, but my heart belongs to someone else. What happened with us wasn’t love for me.”

  “So you used me?”

  I swallow hard and look directly at him. “I was so messed up. Pills, alcohol, starving myself.” I hang my head in disgust at myself and my behaviors. “I think it’s fair to say I used you. I used you to try to feel something—anything. I was lonely and wanted to be wanted. The only thing it did was hurt you and make me hate myself.”

  “Nice,” he says sarcastically.

  “I’m sorry, Jonah. I never wanted to hurt you. Honestly, you and I are in such different places in our lives. Even if I wasn’t in love with someone else, I’m not sure we would have been a good fit together.”

  “So that’s it?” He exhales loudly. “You’re sorry, you feel bad… yada yada yada.”

  “Jonah, please don’t be like that.”

  “Like what? Upset?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Well, I am upset. Goddammit, Lindsay, the last time I saw you, you were driving away with some guy I’d never seen. Do you know how worried I was? I called and left you numerous voicemails and text messages and you never responded. Now all you can say is ‘I’m sorry?’ He drops his hands from his head and walks over to me, resting his hands on top of my shoulders at the base of my neck. His thumbs rub my neck and he tilts my head back so that I’m looking directly at him. “Give me one more night,” he whispers, his voice strained. “I need one more night with you, Lindsay.” His eyes are red and his voice pulls with emotion. “Let me show you how I feel.”

  “I’m sorry, I can’t,” I whisper. “I’m so sorry.”

  “So am I.” He leans in to kiss me and I pull away from him. His face twists in disgust.

  “Are you done?” he asks abruptly, startling me. I nod my head. “Good; you can leave now.”

  I feel defeated. I didn’t expect Jonah to be happy, but I didn’t expect him to be so angry. I walk as fast as I can to the door and open it. I look back over my shoulder at him standing in the exact place I left him.

  “I’m sorry, Jonah. I hope you can forgive me.” He doesn’t reply before I shut the door and hurry back to my condo.

  I spend the evening on my balcony eating Thai food from a takeout container and watching the city bustling below me. I never took advantage of my patio and the amazing views of Phoenix it had to offer. I watch the sun set and the city lights come to life twenty-two stories below me. Closing up the patio and closing the curtains, I run a bath and spend the next hour soaking in a bubble bath and reading. I have a late morning flight to Orange County and about a ninety-minute drive to Santa Ruiz. I sent a text message to Gabe and he confirmed Jess would be home and he was grateful to hear I was coming. I change into my pajamas and finish reading in bed for another hour, finishing another novel before falling quickly to sleep.

  I wake refreshed and ready for California. I wash my face, brush my teeth, and pack my small carry-on suitcase. I box up the last remaining items in a small box and tape it shut. I leave Mike a note on the counter, thanking him again for shipping these boxes back to me. I close all the curtains in the condo and turn the air conditioner off, just as it was when I arrived two days ago. Pulling my suitcase behind me, I juggle my oversized handbag on my shoulder as I close the condo door and lock it, closing yet another chapter in my story.

  I wait in the lobby of my building for the cab to arrive and I text Landon to let him know that I’m on my way to California. I glance at my reflection in the mirrored wall and smile with my progress. Even in short cut-off jean shorts and a cream three-quarter sleeve blouse, I can see my curves coming back. My face is fuller and the dark circles from under my eyes are gone. I look refreshed. My hair hangs long and loose and I have chunky gold jewelry on and brown strappy sandals.

  I hear a horn honk and see the yellow cab at the curb. Pulling my suitcase, I push the glass doors open and out into the Phoenix heat for the last time. I glance over my shoulder and back at my building just in time to see Jonah running toward me.

  “Lindsay,” he says, out of breath. The cab driver exits the car and lifts my suitcase, putting it in the trunk.

  “Jonah,” I say, scrunching my eyebrows together in confusion. This is a far cry from the Jonah I left upset in his condo yesterday.

  “I had to see you one last time before you go.” Sweat trickles from his hairline and down his temple. I look back at the cab and the driver is back in his seat, tapping his finger on the steering wheel.

  “I have to go,” I mumble and motion to the cab over my shoulder. In two strides, Jonah invades my space. He grabs my head with his hands and pulls me into a kiss. Just as quickly as he kisses me, he releases me and steps back. Laughing hysterically, he looks at me, his brown eyes wild, and a giant smile spread across his tan face. “That’s because you’re beautiful. You’ll never be just one night to me. Good luck to you, Lindsay Lou!” And as fast as he ran up to me, he’s gone. The cab driver shakes his head as I slide into the back seat, wondering what in the hell just happened.

  “Lindsay Lou?” I whisper to myself, questioning the nickname. I pull my phone from my purse and shoot him a text message

  “You’re insane.” My phone beeps almost immediately.

  “I am, but I needed to see you smile before you left.”

  “I’m smiling because you’re nuts.”

  “I know. Take care of yourself.”

  “You too, Jonah.”

  And just like that, I can smile and remember Jonah as a happy memory of my time in Phoenix.

  I board the plane in Phoenix and hardly have time to get settled before we start to descend into Orange County, California. It’s barely an hour-long flight and even though it’s warm in California, it’s considerably cooler than Phoenix. I know I’m miles from the ocean, but having grown up near the water, I can still smell it. It’s close enough. I spend the next hour getting my rental car and programming Jess and Gabe’s address into my navigation system. I merge into the insane California traffic and begin my journey to Santa Ruiz.

  Two and half hours later, after I’ve white
knuckled the bumper-to-bumper Southern California traffic and made one stop for the restrooms, I’m pulling into a quaint older neighborhood in Santa Ruiz. I park in front of the address that Gabe sent me and smile when I see the cute bungalow. It’s been completely remodeled and almost looks brand new. There is a gorgeous wraparound porch with a giant porch swing and I spot Jess immediately in the swing. She doesn’t notice I’ve pulled up because she’s lost in a book.

  I kill the engine and step out of the car just in time to see Gabe come out the front door. He smiles at me and that’s when Jess looks up from her book. She stands up from the swing and sets her book down behind her. I walk up the driveway and Jess comes down the steps of the porch, meeting me on the sidewalk.

  “Lindsay?” she says with a look of disbelief on her face. Her long, brown hair blows in the breeze and her fingers wrap themselves around the end of her long-sleeved t-shirt.

  “Hi, Jess.” I smile at her.

  “What are you doing here?”

  “I was hoping to talk to you if that would be okay?” My heart hammers in my chest as I look at my best friend, the one I hurt so badly with my words. She’s wearing her poker face, and I can’t tell if she’s happy or upset to see me.

  “Yes, of course. Do you want to come inside? I have water or lemonade…”

  “Lemonade would be great.” I follow her up the steps of her front porch and onto the wooden patio. Gabe smiles at me as he leans against a large, wooden pillar.

  “Nice to see you again, Linds,” he says warmly. I reach out and give him a hug.

  “Thank you,” I whisper in his ear. He nods and gives me a quick hug back before I release him and follow Jess into the house. Stepping inside, I catch my breath at how beautiful their house is. Real wood floors and gorgeous custom windows all trimmed in custom wood trim and molding. The finishes are all modern and trendy, but the furnishings make the house warm, comfortable, and inviting. I follow Jess into the kitchen, where she’s filling two glasses with lemonade.

  “Let’s go sit out back.” She gestures to the back patio. There is a set of French doors off the kitchen that lead us out to a huge wood deck in the backyard. There is built-in seating around the edge of the deck, but a huge patio table sits in the center of the deck and we take a seat at the table. I sink into the oversized plush chairs and enjoy the cool breeze on my face.

  “I guess you’d like me to explain what I’m doing here, huh?” I smile at Jess. She nods as she takes a sip of lemonade and swallows. “I came here to apologize, Jess. I am so sorry for how I treated you in Phoenix. I’d love to blame it on the pills, the wine; anything other than me—but I can’t. I was a horrible friend and placed blame on you when it should have been on me.”

  I watch her large, green eyes look me over. She’s skeptical, and I don’t blame her. “I accept your apology,” she says quietly. She relaxes a bit and sits back into her chair. Her face is calm, forgiving.

  “That’s it? You forgive me just like that?”

  She lets out a long sigh before she smiles genuinely at me. “If there was anything your brother taught me while I was in North Carolina, it’s that you have to forgive to move forward. We’d all be stuck in a vicious cycle of anger, hate, and resentment if we didn’t learn how to forgive others—but most importantly, ourselves.”

  “He taught you that? Landon? Our Landon?”

  She chuckles. “Well, your Landon, not my Landon. But yes, he did.” I see her fingers go to her wrist, where she unknowingly rubs her white script tattoo.

  “I didn’t know he was so deep,” I remark and look out into the backyard, where a tire swing hangs from a huge oak tree and rocks from side to side in the breeze.

  “I’ll always be your friend, Lindsay. Always. That’s what friends do. They forgive each other when they hurt one another.”

  “I needed to hear that,” I say, swallowing down a newly formed lump in my throat. We spend the next few minutes in complete silence, comfortable in each other’s presence. Birds are chirping, and the sun is beginning to set.

  “I should probably get going,” I finally say, breaking the silence.

  “Where are you going?”

  “I’m not exactly sure. I was just going to spend the next couple of days checking out the coast. I’ve never been to California.”

  “Stay with us. I’ll take you to Santa Barbara and Laguna Beach. Gabe has to work, so I’ll be alone anyway. Please stay,” she begs.

  “Are you sure you don’t mind the company?”

  “Not at all. We’re going to dinner at Gabe’s parents’ house tonight. You’ll get to meet all of the Garcias.”

  “They won’t mind?”

  “Are you kidding me? They’ll love it. They are the best.”

  Through the glass doors, I see Gabe standing at the kitchen island with another guy that looks almost identical to him, just a little bulkier and a little taller. Both are drinking a beer and laughing.

  “That’s Luke,” Jess says with a smile. “Gabe’s older brother. He’s taken or I might try to set you up with him.” She laughs.

  I hold up my hands in defense. “I don’t need any more man drama, trust me.” We both laugh together.

  “Is it safe to come out?” Gabe pokes his head out the door, asking Jess and me. Still laughing, she nods and smiles. Gabe and Luke join us at the table and we spend the next hour talking and laughing. My heart thrums with happiness just sitting here with my friend, content and laughing.

  Gabe retrieves my suitcase from the car while Jess gets me settled in the guest room before we leave for dinner. It’s a short walk three houses down the street to Gabe and Luke’s parents’ house for dinner. My stomach growls immediately when we step in the door and into the kitchen. I’m not sure what’s cooking, but it smells amazing.

  “Mijo, Mija,” Gabe’s mom says when we walk in the door. She walks around the L-shaped peninsula and pulls Gabe into a hug. She kisses him on the cheek and he blushes slightly, but he lets her fuss over him. She does the exact same thing to Luke, then Jess. I smile at how loving she is with her two sons and Jess.

  “Mija, welcome,” she says, pulling me into a warm embrace.

  “Mom, this is Lindsay, my friend from North Carolina. We worked together when I was in Wilmington. Lindsay, this is Angelica, Gabe’s mom, and John, Gabe’s father.”

  “So nice to meet you, Lindsay,” Angelica says with a smile. John shakes my hand and quietly disappears into the living room.

  “Nice to meet you too. I hope it’s okay that I join y’all.” Her eyes light up when I say “y’all.”

  “We have more food than we’ll ever eat. We’re happy you were able to join us.” With that, Gabe pulls two beers from the fridge and hands one to Luke. The guys quickly retreat to the living room where they make themselves comfortable and watch a football game on the TV. Jess grabs an apron and starts helping in the kitchen without any direction from Angelica.

  “Is there anything I can do to help you, other than touch the food?” Angelica looks at me and her eyes narrow slightly. “I mean you don’t want me touching your food. I’m a horrible cook—terrible, actually—and I ruin anything I touch.”

  “Then let me teach you,” she says kindly. She reaches out and pulls me toward the counter where she has all kinds of fruits and vegetables sitting alongside a cutting board and knife.

  “You’re going to make the guacamole.” She smiles and taps my forearm. Her brown eyes shine under the bright kitchen spotlights.

  “I think this is a bad idea,” I mumble and she shushes me. She is patient and kind as she shows me how to cut open avocados and how to remove the pit, and then cut the ripe flesh inside the skin into small squares. We each cut up two avocados. She finely dices an onion while she has me pulling cilantro leaves off the stem. In a large bowl, I begin smashing and mixing the avocados and onions while she adds salt and pepper along with the cilantro and diced tomatoes. She finishes it off by squeezing some fresh lime juice into the bowl. With a fe
w more stirs, we have an amazing-looking guacamole.

  She pulls a small teaspoon from the drawer. “Taste it,” she says as I scoop a small amount onto the spoon. “Does it need more salt?”

  “I think it tastes really good.”

  She scoops a small amount on a spoon for herself and tastes it, nodding in agreement. “It does. Those avocados were perfect,” she says, setting the spoon in the sink. She transfers the guacamole to a smaller bowl and hands it to me. “Will you set this on the table and gather the men? We’ll be ready to eat in just a minute.”

  I hadn’t noticed that Jess has pulled a huge pan of enchiladas from the oven that are already resting on the dining room table and she’s now stirring a huge bowl of Spanish rice. I set the bowl of guacamole in the center of the table and walk to the living room to get the guys. Gabe is lying on a loveseat with his feet propped up on the arm and Luke sits on the couch, his legs stretched out and resting on the coffee table. John sits in his recliner, nodding off while Gabe and Luke talk about the football game.

  “Dinner’s ready,” I announce. Gabe sits up quickly and grabs his beer from the coffee table. Luke swings his leg over to the recliner and nudges John awake. All three men rise and quickly take their places at the dining room table as Angelica places a steaming pot of beans on the table. Jess sits next to Gabe and I sit next to her. There are still two open seats at the table. “Ava and Heather usually take those two seats,” John says, pointing to the two open seats. “You’re in Adrian’s seat.”

  “Adrian is Ava’s ex,” Jess says quietly, filling me in. “And Heather is Luke’s girlfriend.” Angelica takes a seat next to John and reaches out to take his hand. “A blessing,” she says quietly and everyone bows their head.