Little tingles spread through my body as it cooled and came down from what felt like the ultimate high.
“Did I pass?” I hoped he couldn’t hear the slight tremble of my voice.
He bent and retrieved my shirt, holding it out to me. “Forget about the audition,” his voice was soft and gravelly. He cleared his throat. “Let me take you to dinner tomorrow.”
Not what I had expected, and I got the feeling he had surprised himself as well. “What about the job?” I asked. I couldn’t just forget about that.
He shook his head. “A friend of mine owns the best restaurant in town. It’s an upscale place.” For a moment, I thought he was still going on about dinner. “One call and I can get you a job there. On average, his girls make upwards of seventy and eighty bucks a night in tips. On a good night, it could be more. You could forget about this place and I could take you out tomorrow.”
Confusion and disappointment set in. “I didn’t do well?” My voice came out sounding more hurt than I intended.
His hand reached forward and his palm cupped the side of my face, his fingers curling under my jaw to lift my face and hold my gaze to his. His thumb swept once over my cheek. “How could you even doubt that? I told you to make me want you and I can’t imagine wanting anyone more than I do you right now. That’s the problem, which is why I’m asking you to accept the other job and let me take you out on a date.”
“Why can’t I have this job and still let you take me out on a date?”
His hand dropped to his side and he appeared so conflicted at my question. “You just can’t. I can’t. If this is really the job you want, then anything else with us is off the table.”
“But you’d give me the job?”
Still appearing torn, he hesitated, but ultimately nodded. “You could have the job, but you don’t need it. You don’t need this place. Take the other job. You can make it work. I’ll talk to my friend and get you any hours you want.” If I wasn’t mistaken he almost sounded pleading.
I let myself consider it. God knew waitressing was a much more respectable position, and damned if I didn’t want that date too. The reality of the math though, was that I would have to work every night of the week waitressing to make what I would in three nights here. No matter how good the tips at the restaurant were, it couldn’t compare to the cash I saw being thrown down earlier tonight. Still, I thought about it. How could I not with the way Luke was looking at me?
He was charming, witty and his employees respected him. He was funny and sexy and our chemistry was off the charts hot. What if it went nowhere, though? I’d just taken my clothes off for him, clearly he was thinking with the head in his pants, but what would happen once he’d satisfied the desire. Could I expect more from him? It would be silly to expect anything.
I’d made enough mistakes already and lost too much because of them. Would it really be worth it to pass up this job? Would I wish that I hadn’t later? I came here for a job, not a date. Not to get tangled up with someone like him again. Someone handsome and rich and smooth talking, used to getting whatever he wanted I was sure.
Unable to look him in the eye when I came to my decision, and feeling incredibly vulnerable now in just my bra and panties, I tugged the shirt over my head. “I need this job,” I muttered, bending to scoop up my jeans and pull those on as well.
When I dared a look at his face once I was dressed again, a shutter had come down. I could no longer see any of the attraction or desire that had been there before. He was all business when he said, “You can start tomorrow. You’ll come an hour before opening and work with Jess and Lu. They’re my best girls and they’ll get you ready for the stage. You’ll hang around a couple of hours each night to watch and get more comfortable until the girls tell me you’re ready. I expect within a week you’ll be going on. Let Leo know what nights are good for you.”
I gave a nod of understanding and then watched as he went to the door and let himself out, leaving me to finish dressing. I found my socks and boots, dragging them on, unable to help feeling a little sorry for the choice I’d made. If only because I would have liked to find out where a date could have led us. Nowhere good, I muttered in my head. I’d promised myself I would never be so naïve and foolish as to let a man play with my feelings again simply because he uttered pretty words I longed to hear. Whatever I was feeling now, it would pass.
I reminded myself that I was in control here. In control of my life, my choices, my emotions. And the rush I’d felt was nothing special. Nothing more than what I’d already realized. Men did not have all the power, and I’d never give another man power over me, power to hurt me or break me.
Thirteen
Cici
Present
The bouncer outside of Coyote Ugly spared a quick check of our IDs before waving us inside. I glanced over my shoulder at Luke who brought up the rear of our foursome. “I believe we had another deal.”
“That we did.” His eyes wandered around the loud and crowded bar.
I sauntered deeper inside, the rest of them on my heels. First order of business was procuring drinks, which I did swiftly once we reached the bar and I snagged the attention of the woman behind it in the black tank with the bar logo stamped across her breasts.
Four shots of tequila were laid out on the bar and I passed them out. “To our last night in Nashville and only the beginning of our adventure.” We raised the shot glasses in the air before tossing them back. Shae had barely set hers back down on the bar before I grabbed her hand and pulled her out on the dance floor to Luke Bryan’s Country Girl.
The guys stood back at the bar and watched with amusement in their eyes as I dirty danced all over Shae. She laughed and tried to hold me off as I backed my butt up to her and did my best Miley impression.
With a smack on my butt, she gave me a shove and I straightened up laughing as the song ended and Sam Hunt replaced Luke Bryan. I grabbed her hand and dragged her away to the jukebox. The next three songs were already cued, but I inserted my money and searched until I found the one I wanted.
“What are you doing?” Shae yelled as I dragged her back out there.
“You’ll see,” I shouted back and started to dance again. Shae joined in, relaxing into the beat now that I wasn’t trying to grind all over her. I spared a glance at the bar where the guys were sipping on a couple of beers and watching the two of us. I raised my arms over my head and rocked my hips as I did a little twirl and shuffled my boots on the floor.
When that song ended, the guitar became a thumping bass and country switched to hip hop as Drake’s voice filled the room. The energy in the room shifted with the song. Bodies packed tighter, rubbing together. Hands groped and caressed, all the while two sets of eyes at the bar remained on the pair of us. I ignored the warm male bodies that crowded us and waited for the song to transition again, knowing the one I’d requested was coming. Pulling Shae with me, I worked my way back toward the long bar.
“Having fun out there?” Kellen leaned in, the smile he wore for Shae only. She nodded and then made the universal sign for a drink. Kellen waved one of the bartenders over and I sidled up beside Shae, taking the opportunity to lean in and ask the bartender a question. She grinned and nodded and then I waited.
The second Trey Songz’ Na Na came on the jukebox, I took the drink from Shae’s hand and set it in front of Kellen. Shae, sensing what was coming, tried to step away from the bar, but I shook my head at her and pulled her with me as I climbed up.
With a wary look, Shae relented and followed me up to the cheers of the crowd as they saw us. Even Kellen hooted as I took Shae’s hand again and started a sexy slow dance around her. My body knew this song by heart, every beat and every note. It knew when to dip and shimmy as if on autopilot. After a minute of standing there like a pole, even Shae found her rhythm. Two more ladies climbed up and joined us while the rest of the bar patrons gathered around, whistling and cheering.
All but one.
My eyes sought hi
m out only to be struck by the stony look on his face. It caused me to falter half a step and then correct myself. I’d expected that trademark smirk of his to be playing with those lips. I’d chosen this song for him, something he had to know, yet he appeared not at all amused.
His disapproval was clear as day though. I felt it as much as I saw it written across his face. The reason for it was a mystery. Had this not been his idea? He should know by now that I wouldn’t back down from a challenge.
My body still on autopilot, my eyes and brain remained fixed on Luke. With every moment that passed and every shimmy of my body and roll of my hips, a scowl began to form until at last he leaned into Kellen, muttered something in his ear, and then walked away from the beer he left on the bar.
His feet carried him toward the exit and I realized his intent was to leave. Without giving it another thought, I hopped down and trailed after him.
“Where are you going?” I called to his retreating back as soon as I’d stepped free of the bar into the night air outside.
He stopped, turned, and I was struck again by his foul mood, and left wondering where it had come from. I crossed my arms over my chest as he took two steps toward me, and jerked his head at the bar. “Your song isn’t over. Shouldn’t you get back in there?”
I stiffened at his tone. “Wait a second, are you upset with me? What the hell did I do?”
That seemed to take some of the ire out of him. He scrubbed a hand over his face. Now, he looked more tired than anything. “Nothing, not a damn thing, Ci. Just go back in there and enjoy yourself.”
“Not until you tell me who pissed in your beer.”
“Let it go. I’m just tired.”
“Bullshit.” I knew there was more to it. I closed the distance between us in three strides, jabbing my index finger at his chest. “You were fine until we climbed up on that bar. So, what is it? What’s with the dirty looks? The whole damn thing was your idea.”
“That was not my idea. That song, Ci, really? You miss your old job that much? Just say the word and you can have it back. Hell, the members would probably throw in a fat bonus on top of their fees if I brought you back. I’ll split it with you. Damn near had them rioting when you left. Just say the word.” His cruel taunt had me taking a step back, shaking my head. He’d never been like this with me.
“You know I don’t want to go back.”
“Not what it looked like in there.” He stabbed his finger at the bar.
“Well maybe if you would pull your head out of your ass you would be able to see things more clearly.” I turned on my heel and left him standing there like the ass that he was.
What the hell was that about? And why did I feel like I’d been punched in the stomach? He hadn’t asked anything that I hadn’t wondered myself. Did I want to go back? I’d admitted to myself last night that I missed it sometimes. Nights like last night more than other times, but it wasn’t what I truly wanted. I’d been looking for a reason to walk away for a long time now. I’d leapt at the first opportunity. Six years was a long time to do what I did. Too long. Maybe I couldn’t ever really leave it behind. Tiger, stripes, and all that. Maybe that’s who I’d always be and maybe that’s what Luke thought too.
Immediately I rejected that. My life was more than that. I was more than that. Had to be.
Who did I want to convince more? Luke or myself?
The song was still playing when I rejoined the crowd inside. Shae had come down from the bar, but the other two girls had been joined by two more and they were still working their bodies all over the bar. They were playing it up and even I cringed a bit at the show they were putting on. Shit, no wonder Luke thought I wanted my job back. It was like amateur stripper hour on the bar right now. Most of the guys in the crowd looked on with drunken lust while several of the ladies, probably the girlfriends of those guys, had disdain written all over their faces. Suddenly, I felt like getting out of here as well.
“Luke took off?” Shae asked when I slunk my way back to them.
I gave a nod and Kellen jumped in with an explanation that we all knew was bullshit. “He wants to get an early start tomorrow.”
The song finished and the crowd erupted in a series of hoots, hollers, and catcalls as the bar cleared.
With a grimace, I looked to Shae and then Kellen, hoping they would be honest with me. “So, on a scale of one to Miley, how slutty was I up there?”
Kellen coughed a little as he lowered his bottle from his lips and then darted his eyes elsewhere. Shae, ever so sweet, tried to hide her own grimace. “We were just having fun.”
“No, you were just having fun. I took it too far because I was being an idiot,” I sighed heavily. “I’m not sure what I was thinking.” I knew who I was dancing for up there. I just didn’t know why, or why it bothered me so much that Luke had walked away from me the way he did.
Kellen finished his beer while Shae changed the subject.
“I definitely want to come back to Nashville. A day and half wasn’t enough to do and see everything.”
“You want to come back, babe?” Kellen asked her. When she nodded enthusiastically, he bent down and kissed her head. “Then we’ll plan it when you can get away from the shop again. Maybe you can even get a signing set up here.”
“That would be fun,” she smiled adoringly at him. “We could spend a whole week here.” She picked up his beer and took a pull from the bottle and then passed it back to him. Something so simple, and yet it seemed incredibly intimate as I watched them. She settled herself onto his stool, and he spread his legs around her hips to accommodate her. One arm went around her middle to hold her close while the other held onto the bottle they shared. Shae’s contentedness was something I found myself envious of. What would it be like to belong to someone so entirely that your hearts and souls were intertwined to the point that nothing, not years apart, or secrets and lies, or the worst of tragedies could tear them apart?
Oh God.
That’s what was wrong with me. It went against everything I told myself I believed. It was the very thing I’d been denying, and yet it was the only thing that made sense when I thought about the way I felt right now.
I wanted to know what it was like. I wanted to feel what they felt. I wanted to know if it was worth it.
Isolation was safe, and that’s what I’d done. Put up emotional barriers to keep anyone from getting too close. It kept my heart from being broken again, because I knew that was the only thing that came from loving people, but maybe there was something worse than a broken heart.
All those nights I went home alone. All those nights I didn’t go home alone but still woke up to an empty bed. The nights I felt the gnawing in the pit of my stomach just before I’d go on stage, a gnawing I couldn’t explain, could only ignore and pretend wasn’t there. The thing that kept me from the ever-elusive contentment I thought I should feel.
I understood now that it was loneliness. It left me cold and dissatisfied with all my encounters with men. I craved a deeper connection as much as I feared it, and that was the reason I’d felt so restless and out of control lately. I didn’t recognize until now what a gaping hole it had created, and now that I wasn’t filling it the way I used to, I could no longer pretend it wasn’t there.
“It’s your fault,” I mumbled accusingly.
“What?” They both looked perplexed.
“Nothing,” I shook my head to clear my thoughts. I knew it wasn’t really, but it was easier to blame them and say their lovey-dovey crap was contagious, like smallpox, or herpes. That they were the reason I was suddenly all too aware of what I was missing.
“Hey,” a deep voice interrupted my inner musings. My eyes were dragged away from Kellen and Shae to the tall, dark-haired newcomer. “Would you like to dance?” His eyes were the first thing I noticed because they were a grey-ish green, not nearly as bright as Luke’s. They were slightly glazed with the effects of the alcohol I could smell on his breath, but appeared friendly enough. He loomed ove
r me on my stool, but I knew if Luke were here, he’d still have a couple inches on the guy. He was handsome enough, a little on the soft side, probably from a few too many beers and a desk job. I tried to stop myself from continuing the mental comparison and all the ways this guy didn’t stack up against Luke, but I couldn’t help myself. Luke is where my mind wanted to go.
I gave him my best polite smile. “Thank you, but my friends and I are just getting ready to leave.”
He nodded through his disappointment and sauntered off again.
“I guess that’s our cue,” Shae slid off the stool and stood.
“I’m sorry, you guys don’t have to leave if you don’t want to.”
“It’s alright. I’m ready to head back.” She turned to Kellen who didn’t put up any objections.
Arm in arm, linked together with Shae sandwiched in the middle, the three of us walked the few short blocks back to the hostel. They chatted about nothing and I only half listened while I sorted through what was going on in my own head. Was Luke what I wanted? Or was I projecting feelings onto him because he was the guy I was closest to. It was easy to believe that if I could give the whole relationship thing a shot, it would be with him, but there was also so much uncertainty inside me. Too much to take that chance.
It was quiet when we pushed inside, and we would have continued down the dim hallway had I not noticed the figures on the couches inside the common area.
“Luke’s in there.” And he wasn’t alone.
The other two stopped to peer inside the glass doors that separated the common area from the entryway and hall. I didn’t protest as they changed course and pushed through the second set of doors. Luke and his friend–his pretty brunette friend–who sat across from him on the other couch, looked up at us. They were the only two in here besides the guy at the desk with his headphones on and face buried in a computer screen.
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