Anywhere With You

by Stephanie Hoffman McManus

  Had I really saved myself any heartache though?

  What had I cost myself?

  The answer to the first one was no. My heart had become hard and cold to keep out any hurt, yet it was plain to me now that the hurt still got in. As for what I’d cost myself …

  The answer was Luke.

  But was it too late?

  Could I give up my armor? Could I let go of Cici? Or at least the parts of her that were an act.

  I couldn’t go back to who I was before, but I couldn’t keep living like this either. But maybe I could move forward as neither. And both.

  I grabbed a makeup wipe and started scrubbing my face, removing the dark liner and smoky shadow and contour that made me look like a photoshopped version of myself. I wiped at my lips until they were no longer crimson. What I was left with was a slightly pinked and fresh faced girl.

  I dug through my makeup, applying only the barest amount of shadow from a nude palette around my eyes, skipping the liner altogether, and adding only a quick swipe of mascara. I set the tube down and looked at the effect. My blue eyes seemed a little lighter and brighter. Next I found a tube of peach lip gloss. I’d never even worn it. Peach wasn’t one of my colors. It was too safe for me, but I’d gotten it as a sample and hadn’t thrown it out. I applied a layer to my lips and smacked them together. The final touch was a light dab of blush on my cheeks.

  I looked … God, I looked more like my mother or my sister. I immediately shoved that thought from my mind. This wasn’t about them, this was about me, and I liked how I looked. Was it silly that for the first time in a long time I felt pretty? Not sexy or hot or seductive. Just pretty. I couldn’t suppress the small smile that tugged at the corners of my mouth.

  I brushed out my hair and left the waves falling over my shoulders, then I went to my suitcase and found the least clingy, most conservative dress I’d packed. That wasn’t saying much for the dress though. It was a turquoise halter dress. Short, but at least it didn’t hug every inch of my body. The skirt flared out and skimmed the tops of my thighs.

  I slid my feet into a pair of strappy sandals instead of the sky-high heels I normally would have chosen. When I looked in the mirror at the finished imaged, I felt better than I had in a long time. This was the new me.

  No, not new. The me I’d always been, but was afraid to be. Real was so much harder. There was nothing to hide behind. You were exposed, vulnerable, open to rejection, but also so much more. I felt lighter. More hopeful. Nervous, but more sure of myself than I’d been in a long time. I wasn’t naïve enough to think that a change in appearance suddenly meant I was different, but it was the first step in figuring out who I was going to be from here on out. And whatever happened now, at least I’d know I put myself out there.

  There was a soft rap on the door. When I pulled it open, Shae and Kellen were on the other side. Shae’s eyes did a quick once-over and then widened. “Wow,” she breathed, and then seemed to wish she could take it back. I think she was afraid to call attention to the drastic change, but I was done pretending.

  “It’s okay,” I said. “I know it’s different.”

  “You look good. I like this look,” Kellen commented simply. “I’d also like to add that Luke doesn’t stand a chance. Not that he ever did.”

  “You told him?” I shot at Shae, who merely shrugged.

  “I think you were the only one who didn’t already know. And I was too excited not to.”

  I sighed, not mad, just feeling vulnerable. “You really think I look okay?”

  “You’re always so gorgeous, but this is … more natural. More you I think,” Shae added.

  “I think so too.” I smiled and the three of us made our way to the casino where the other authors and models and people from the signing had already begun to gather.

  “So, this new you, does she take risks?” Shae whispered softly as we joined the party.

  “I think she does.” This got me a smile.

  “I’m excited for you.”

  “We’ll see what happens, but either way, I think this will be good for me.”

  We mingled our way to the appetizers and drinks and then eventually found ourselves seeking entertainment at the penny slots. I tried my hand at blackjack and it wasn’t long before my meager winnings from the machines started to dwindle as I amateured my way through the game.

  “Winning big?” Luke’s familiar low voice rasped in my ear. I jerked around, trying to suppress an anxious grin.

  “Hardly,” I replied, pleasantly noting that Meg was unattached to his side. “I don’t even know what I’m doing. I’ve just barely got the hang of this game.” I turned my attention back to the dealer and indicated I wanted another card. It put me over and I said goodbye to more of my money. But I was having fun. Luke waited until the round had finished and then joined the table.

  He won the next two hands and I muttered, “Showoff,” under my breath.

  “What can I say, I’m good at playing the odds.”

  I observed Luke and tried to follow his lead and do what I thought he would do. It payed off a few times, but mostly I was distracted, because my eyes weren’t the only ones that didn’t stay fixed on the dealer. I felt Luke’s gaze several times when he should have been paying attention to the game. In the end, I walked away back where I had started before I won on the slot machines. Luke’s wallet however, didn’t suffer in the least. He walked away ahead.

  “You play a lot?” I asked as we ditched the blackjack table. I knew he was a poker man, but I didn’t realize he had a thing for cards in general.

  “When I get the opportunity,” he answered vaguely, which I took to mean, yes. His eyes were fixed on my face too intently for me to ignore and I shifted uncomfortably, ducking my eyes. When I peeked up again, he’d snapped out of it and was looking out over the casino.

  “You look nice,” he mumbled gruffly.

  “Thanks” I said somewhat awkwardly. I wasn’t sure if nice was what I was going for. I couldn’t read him at the moment to know what exactly he meant by nice.

  “It’s different.” His eyes drifted back mine. “I mean, it’s not your usual look.”

  I shrugged. “I felt like different. It’s part of the new me,” I said lamely, suddenly feeling stupid thinking that just by changing my look I could change the way Luke saw me.

  “Oh yeah? The new you, huh?” Luke didn’t sound like he thought it was stupid at all. “Tell me about this new you?”

  We walked over to the bar because it seemed to make more sense to stand there than the middle of the room.

  I blew out a sigh. This was it. The moment for our heart to heart. My chance to open up and bare my feelings. Suddenly I felt a little sick to my stomach, but I wasn’t chickening out. “I’m not sure I can, exactly. I guess it’s sort of like a work in progress and I won’t know what it is until it’s finished.”

  He nodded, again, like he didn’t think I was talking crazy, but making perfect sense. “And what brought this on?’

  “A hard look in the mirror. Realizing I’ve been putting on a mask for so long, trying to be who I thought I needed to be. It wasn’t really me though. I don’t even know who me is, exactly. She got lost somewhere along the way, but that’s the point of this. I’m going to figure it out.” The question was whether or not who that was, was someone Luke could see himself with. Bold Cici would just come right out with it, but then again maybe she wasn’t so bold because she’d never taken a real chance on anything that truly mattered. God, all this talking about myself in the third person was getting confusing.

  “I don’t think it’s so much a matter of figuring out who you are, Ci, as letting yourself be that person. I think you know who you are. I think you’ve always known, but you’ve just spent so much time being someone else, like you said, being what you thought you had to be, that you’ve lost sight of the real you. But here’s the thing, I never did. I’ve always seen the real you. So, she’s not as lost as you think she is.”

&
nbsp; I was pretty sure I was a puddle on the floor. Like, I completely melted at his feet.

  In that moment, it also made perfect sense that he was the one I fell for, that he was the one that got past the walls and defenses and all the bullshit I used to keep people at a distance. It seemed silly that I’d thought I was pretending with him like everyone else. He’d seen through it all, all this time.

  When I though back over the last six years and all I’d done, all the games I played and different versions of me I’d been, the moments where I was the most me, were all with him. When I looked for the version of who I wanted to be, I could close my eyes and see her next him, in memories of us.

  The scary, nauseous feeling was back when I thought about telling him all of this. Such a simple thing to open my mouth and form words, and yet I couldn’t do it. The words I wanted to say to him couldn’t make it from my brain to my mouth.

  “What’s going on with you? You look like you’re about to stroke out.” Luke’s tone was light, but the look in his eyes was not. It was as if we were both on the precipice of something, waiting for me to take the plunge.

  “I– I need to use the bathroom and then there’s something I want to, um, talk to you about.”

  “Okay. I’ll be right here.”

  I just needed two minutes out from under his piercing gaze to gather my thoughts and string together a full-on confession.

  I gripped the counter and leaned over the sink in the ladies’ room. I drew in a couple deep breaths, letting them out slowly. It’s Luke, I told my reflection. He already knows you better than anyone.

  And there was definitely something happening out there between us, some kind of electrical current humming to life, or maybe the humming was all just in my head because I felt a little light-headed.

  No. We were wholly tuned into each other out there. Maybe he felt what I felt too. I just had to go out there, bare my soul and hope for the best. Hope that it didn’t ruin the last six years. Fears and doubts started to swamp me again and a part of me wished I could have stayed in denial a little longer. Just through this trip, until we got back to South Carolina and life went back to normal, and then maybe I would have never realized I felt anything different. We could have gone on like we had been for six years.

  Now, the thought of going on like we had, like nothing had changed for me, caused the tangled knot of emotions in my gut to tighten. Nope, the Pandora’s Box of my feelings had been opened and there was no stuffing them back inside. I just had to do this. Take a chance and hope I didn’t crash and burn in a fiery blaze.

  I exited the bathroom, and drew on my feelings for Luke for courage. I thought of how he made me feel, how he’d always made me feel. Warmth flushed my body. Hell, how was it I was only just realizing I was in love with the guy? He’d always made me feel at ease and safe to be whoever with him.

  I put one foot in front of the other, even though it felt like my knees might turn to jelly at any second and give out. Whatever happened next was going to change everything, I could feel it, and suddenly it felt like my entire life had been leading me to this moment. It was corny and probably a bit pathetic that this felt like such a pivotal and significant point in my life, but it was. I was going against my convictions and every promise I’d ever made not to put myself in a position of vulnerability, not to give anyone the power to hurt me the way I’d been hurt in the past. All I could see in my mind was the look on Luke’s face when he told me he’d be right there waiting.

  When the bar came into a view, a smile started to break across my face, because true to his word, he was right where I left him. Only, he wasn’t alone. My smile faded as a frown creased my brow and I stopped short.

  Meg had taken my place next to him. She was smiling sweetly up at him, and he was grinning back at her and I couldn’t bring myself to take another step forward. What I needed to say, wouldn’t be said in front of her. I’d have to wait until he was alone again.

  And then she did something that changed everything. With a smile still plastered on her face, she placed one hand on Luke’s shoulder and leaned forward on the tips of her toes until her lips found Luke’s.

  Something cracked inside me.

  Then Luke’s hand came to rest on the small of her back, pressing her closer for just a moment before she lowered herself again. As their lips broke apart their eyes remained locked together, and the thing I’d felt crack, shattered completely. I had a sinking suspicion the thing was my heart.

  It was just a kiss. A light touch of her lips to his that hadn’t even lasted more than three or four seconds, and she was the instigator of the kiss. For all I knew, he was an innocent bystander in the whole thing, and the kiss was unwanted. Yet, he’d kissed her back, hadn’t he? And the way he held her to him hadn’t made it seem all that unwanted. And what guy wouldn’t want to be kissed by sweet, soft, precious Meg?

  Once again, I found myself shut inside the ladies’ room, hunched over the sink. I couldn’t stop replaying the stupid kiss over, each time hoping the scene would change in my mind and that I’d see Luke push her away, but he didn’t. His hand on her, holding her to him hurt more than the damn kiss itself.

  What did I do now?

  How did you make it stop? This hard to breathe, walls closing in, fist wrapped around your insides, squeezing, all the while a raw, swelling ache clawed its way to the surface trying to escape and tear its way out of your throat.

  I’d only ever felt this kind of acute and debilitating pain once before, and it was all the reminder I needed of why I’d promised myself I’d never be in this position again.

  An icy calm came over me. I breathed in slowly as a numbness spread out from my chest and I shut down the thoughts and mental images that had created the painful reaction in the first place.

  Pain, even emotional, was a physiological response to factors outside the body. I couldn’t control what was happening out there, but unlike stubbing my toe or stepping on a nail, I could control my reaction by blocking the receptors in my head and my heart that were telling my body to hurt, to feel this.

  Remember, nobody gets to make you feel something you don’t want to, especially not this, and not even Luke.

  You love him. That’s your choice. He kissed her back. That’s his choice. What you feel doesn’t depend on what he feels.

  That’s how love works. That’s why it’s a risk.

  And you knew you were taking a risk.

  Better it happened this way than if I had gone out there and actually spilled my guts. How awkward would that have been?

  Hey I love you.

  Oh, hang on a second while I make out with Meg.

  Ugh, they hadn’t really been making out.

  Still, that kiss felt like a betrayal.

  I tamped it down.

  Betrayal implied he owed me something. He didn’t. He didn’t do a damn thing wrong. It was me who messed up, either by falling for him in the first place or waiting six years to acknowledge it, I didn’t know. What I did know was that in the blink of a kiss, everything had changed, like I knew it would tonight, just not the way I thought, or had hoped.

  I forced myself out of the bathroom. I couldn’t hide from this, but I had no intention of seeking Luke out at the bar now. I needed more time to figure out what I would say to him and how things were going to be between us.

  It was just a kiss, but when is it ever just a kiss?

  I didn’t think I could see him without it snapping the little bit of control I was holding onto. I slipped from the bathroom and back into the casino, searching out a distraction when one found me.

  Twenty

  Luke

  Present

  “What was that for?” I removed my hand from Meg’s back, still trying to clear the haze her kiss had created in my head. To say it was unexpected was an understatement. One second she was coming up to me at the bar, excited about the day she’d had and the money she’d made busking down by the stadium, and the next she was looking up at me like
I was responsible for every good thing that’d ever happened to her, and her lips were closing in on mine.

  “I guess, thank you?” she said, unsure.

  “For what?”

  “I’m just really glad I met you, and that you invited me on this trip. It feels kind of like a once in a lifetime adventure. I’m having so much fun. With you,” she added hesitantly as if she wasn’t sure if she should say that last part.

  If I was being honest, I didn’t know how I felt about it. Being around her wasn’t exactly a hardship. She was funny and light and uncomplicated, and that kiss … the kiss was nice. And yet part of me, a very big part of me, didn’t feel good about it.

  “I’m glad I met you too,” I said truthfully. “And I’m glad you’re having a good time, but it feels like you’re trying to say something else here.”

  “I just,” she scraped her teeth over her bottom lip anxiously. “I like you and I just thought that …” she shook her head and her body deflated on a sigh. “It’s probably stupid to think anything at all. I mean we’re going to say goodbye in a couple days and then I’ll be living in Nashville and you in South Carolina.”

  “It’s not stupid,” I reassured her softly.

  “But it’s not realistic either. It would probably be best if I don’t kiss you again, and we say goodbye in Colorado as friends.”

  “That would probably be best,” I agreed feeling instantly relieved that this wasn’t going to get messy or complicated.

  “Can you just tell me one thing?”

  “What?”

  “If our lives weren’t separated by so many miles, do you think things could have been different between us?” I thought about her question for a minute, thought about how easy it was to be around her and then gave her the only answer I could.

  “I honestly don’t know, Meg.” There was this look on Ci’s face I couldn’t get out of my head. Right before she left for the bathroom there was something there. It felt significant, like a secret about to be shared, or a revelation that was about to change everything between the two of us.