Tulsa

by S. L. Scott

  Rivers stands when his phone lights up. “I’m going to take this.”

  Alfie jumps into his seat and pretends to eat his uncle’s dinner. He’s stopped when he picks up his pint. Hannah sends him back to his own seat, and while he eats a big meatball, she says, “I’ve heard so many wonderful things about you, Nikki. But, tell me, how do you put up these guys all the time?”

  “I suspect the same way you do,” I joke. “This business is male dominated, so I’m used to being around them. Their band is an exception because they’re all such gentlemen.”

  “Even Tulsa?” She acts surprised, but he’s told me how close they are.

  “Even Tulsa,” I reply, patting him playfully on the back.

  When Rivers returns, Hannah asks, “Everything okay?”

  “No,” he says, taking his pint glass in hand and emptying it. “I got some bad news.”

  Tulsa asks, “Want to talk about it?”

  “Nope. I sure don’t.” Raising his hand in the air, he tries to get the server’s attention.

  Tulsa mouths to me, “His ex.” The last word seems to sour on his tongue because his lips pinch together.

  Alfie comes around and climbs on Tulsa’s lap. A perfect distraction. He doesn’t ask, and Tulsa takes him without complaint. I watch as they color Alfie’s picture together. Their hair and eye coloring may not match, but their profiles do. My heart pings to life watching them together. Tulsa holds him effortlessly with one arm and talks to him like he’s an equal.

  Their relationship is easy, just how it should be. I can tell Alfie feels safe, the same way Tulsa makes me feel. The man is amazing. He’s known Alfie for such a short time, but he’s so comfortable with him. How did I get so lucky?

  Andrés no longer has a hold on me. I won’t give up a minute of this for the fear he wants to instill in me.

  Dragging me from my thoughts, Alfie taps his green crayon against my shoulder. “Are you Uncle Tulsa’s girlfriend?”

  With that simple question, I become the center of attention. I swear it seems like the whole restaurant stopped eating to listen in. Tulsa chuckles, but all eyes are still on me. Guess he’s not saving me this time. “I, uh, I’m his friend and I’m a girl. What about you?” Deflect. “Do you have friends who are girls?”

  “Lucy likes me because she hit me three times. I told her we don’t hit the ones we like.”

  “You’re right.” I boop him on the nose.

  “Now she hands me notes at school with lovebird words.” Lovebird words. Oh, my goodness. Can he be any cuter? After an exasperated sigh, his head goes back like he’s annoyed, but I don’t know if he knows what he’s annoyed about.

  “Better get used to it, kid. You’re a cutie pants like your unc—like your uncles and dad.”

  “She told me she wants to kiss me.” Shrugging, he starts coloring again. “The only girl I want to kiss is Mommy. What do I do, Uncle Tulsa?”

  My gaze slips across the table to Hannah, who has pure love for Alfie in her eyes.

  Jet steps in to take this one. “No kissing. You’re too young.”

  Turning to face Tulsa, Alfie asks, “When did you start kissing girls?”

  I elbow Tulsa. “Yeah, when did you start kissing girls?”

  “I feel like I was just set up by a seven-year-old.” Tickling Alfie, he asks, “Are you two in this together?”

  “Save me, Nikki.”

  Pretending to battle the tickle monster, I see the light in Tulsa’s eyes, and it shines down on me.

  This is how it could be. This is how he’d be with a family and with me.

  My hands momentarily stop when I realize I want this. I never knew if I would, but seeing them together—laughing, loving, living—I want this. And I hope to God he wants it too.

  20

  Nikki

  The lights blast the stage, and with my pick in hand, I raise my arms into the air. “Are we ready to rock, Vegas?”

  The crowd goes wild, and Shane counts down for us all to kick in at the same time. Singing and playing my guitar center stage gives me an amazing vantage point to take it in—this show, the audience, the pure amazingness of this night.

  I spy Lauralee in the audience on the left side. While I continue playing, I see her pointing behind her. Her mouth is wide open in joy. Glancing behind her, I discover why she’s freaking out. Tulsa is right there rockin’ out to the song, enjoying my music like every other fan in this place. I caught one of his performances from the front row but never told him. He couldn’t see me from the raised stage he sits on, but he was incredible.

  Leaning back, I make sure to stay in the music, despite the handsome distraction. How can I not enjoy this? I was just a beach girl from La Jolla. Now I’m performing in front of thousands of music lovers almost every night.

  As if that wasn’t enough, I found love in the middle of the chaos. I didn’t think I had the ability to love, but a certain sweet-talking Texan with oceanic blue eyes showed me how to not just live but to love this life, and him. How is this real life when two and a half years ago I thought my mine was over?

  Tulsa. He’s the answer to everything.

  The song ends, and I grab my bottle of water and drink to coat my throat. I set my guitar on the stand and return to the mic to share the story that inspired the next song. “A few years ago, I went through a rough time. I didn’t know where I fit in or if I even could. I rebelled against everything in the world where I was raised. I made really bad choices, and I wasn’t happy.”

  I take the microphone from the stand and walk to my brother. Standing next to him, I peek at him and then to Tulsa. “I finally realized it wasn’t the world I was rebelling against. It was me. I wasn’t happy with myself. That was the day I decided to make the most of my life. I put the bad behind me and filled my life with the things I love. I surrounded myself with people who believed in me.” I give Laird’s shoe a playful little kick. “Like this guy here”—I point at Shane—”and that guy back there.”

  He blows me a kiss, and I can almost hear the ovaries exploding behind me in the crowd. He’ll get lucky tonight. I wouldn’t have survived without them. My family. “Two of the best men I know.”

  Walking back center stage, I wrap it up. “Some of you can relate, so I want you to know it’s not about fitting into other people’s vision of beauty. It’s about letting the world know who you are—inside and out. It’s your time to let your brand of beauty shine because you are worth more than sleepless nights.”

  The crowd knows all the songs from our extended play album, but this new one has become our biggest hit on tour. I start singing—no music, no band, just fifteen thousand people and me harmonizing together.

  The equipment manager hands me my acoustic guitar and places the stool behind me. I sit down and start playing just as Laird, Jagger, and Shane join in on the song.

  Kismet—everything has come together. When I find Tulsa again, I know it’s not just the timing in music that matters, but in life too. And our time has just begun.

  “Nikki said you were even better looking in person. She was right.”

  Lauralee has never been shy, but Tulsa appears to be from the compliment. When his eyes find me again, he says, “Thanks. Glad to hear she thinks so.” Getting up from the couch, he comes over to me and puts his hand on my hip not worried that Lauralee can hear and see everything. “I have a surprise for you later.”

  Rolling my eyes, I say, “I’ve seen your dic—”

  “Not that. Though I hope you’ll be seeing more of that too.” Taking my hand, he adds, “See you later, darlin’.”

  After he leaves the dressing room, I take Lauralee by the wrist and lead her out of the room. We’re instantly giggling like the silly girls we are when she says, “He’s so cute.”

  “So cute.”

  “When he called you darlin’ in that sexy, Southern accent, I about died.” She quick shuffles her feet in front of me, and before I can get a word in, she adds, “How do you not spontaneo
usly combust just looking at all the hotness on this tour? Like for real?”

  “It’s a struggle every day. Welcome to my world.”

  “I like your world. A lot.”

  My phone rings, and I sit up on the bed to grab it, smiling when I see the name OK on the screen.

  “Who’s OK?” Lauralee sits up from her bed to peek at the nightstand between us where my phone is charging.

  “The abbreviation for Oklahoma. Tulsa.”

  “Ah. Clever.”

  I answer it while slipping on my flip-flops. “Hey there.”

  “Hey,” he replies but doesn’t sound like himself. “Do you have a few minutes?” His voice is deeper than usual, almost somber.

  “I thought we were seeing each other later?”

  “We are. I hope we still are, but I need to talk to you before then.”

  “Is everything all right?”

  “Yeah. It’s fine. Can you come to my room?”

  “You’re making me nervous, Tulsa. What’s going on?”

  He sighs, and I can hear the heaviness in his breath. “I want to talk about what you told me earlier.”

  Oh. “Okay. I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

  When we hang up, Lauralee asks, “You okay?”

  “Yes. I told him what Andrés did to me.”

  Her sympathetic expression, along with a deep breath, reminds me of what we all went through back then. “I didn’t tell him everything, and he has a few questions, I assume. I would.”

  “It will be good to get it off your chest. Have you told anyone before?”

  “No.”

  Her smile appears. “That says a lot.”

  It does. I trust him, and because I can see us being together after the tour is over, I need to tell him. “He’s seen it, so he should know the truth behind it.”

  “It’s not that bad. It’s healed decently.”

  “It’s still hideous, but it’s better than what was there.”

  When I walk to the door, she says, “Love you, Nik.”

  “Love you.”

  Standing in front of his door, I look down at my feet before closing my eyes and gathering the strength to share the rest of my stained past with a man I don’t want to lose. Will Tulsa run when I tell him? I’ve closed myself off to relationships for this very reason. I won’t be able to handle his rejection.

  When I lift my chin and open my eyes, Tulsa is standing in front of me. I find comfort and a sense of peace in his deep-sea blue eyes. He holds his hand out and I take it, putting my trust in the man in front of me.

  I already know I can share the ugly parts of my past as well as the pretty parts. Although he might have some commitment issues, judging by his not so pretty past, he’s not easily scared.

  I walk inside ready to dump the bad so we can move forward to find the good together.

  Once I’m in his room, he gives me space to move around, whether I want it or not, which puts me on edge. He says, “I thought it was important for us to talk in light of your ex showing up. I need to know everything. I know what he did, and that his name isn’t there anymore. What else happened?”

  “I want you to know everything.” He sits in a chair by the window, and I take a seat at the end of the bed. Deep breath. “I wanted the name gone. Every day, I woke and saw it. Every night, I went to bed knowing he controlled me even though I’d left. I was ashamed, and I wanted to feel like me again.” I look out the window behind him. “To add insult to injury, it formed a keloid. His name was scarred into my flesh as red and angry as he used to be.”

  The dots connect in his eyes before he turns away, trying to hide his next emotion. He can’t. Not from me, just like I can’t hide from him.

  I can’t keep this all to myself anymore, so I keep talking. “I was so innocent when I met him.” I laugh under my breath. “Though I thought I knew everything. I was wrong, so wrong. He ruined me. His family had money. Dirty money, but money that could buy him get out of jail cards by the deck. We partied hard, and I pulled away from my family and friends. He messed with my head. I thought because he was so in love with the way I looked it was real love. It wasn’t. That’s why him wanting to look at me again doesn’t surprise me. He never cared about who I was on the inside. I was nothing more than a trophy on his arm to match the gold he wore around his neck.” I push up and start to pace, picking at the polish on my left hand. “The more he was pressured to work for his father, the more he changed. He became abusive. Verbally mostly, but he slapped me once. Only once.”

  I stop in front of him, and he reaches out and holds me by the hips. “He’s lucky I’ve not met him.” He pulls me onto his lap.

  I wrap my arm around his shoulders and take a deep breath. “When I told him I was breaking up with him, he wanted to ruin the thing he loved most about me—”

  “Your looks.”

  “Yes, how I looked. I should note, though not lightly, his friend talked him out of cutting my face.”

  “What the fuck? He’s deranged.”

  I take a deep breath and close my eyes. Tulsa was right about where and how some people wear their scars. Perhaps my outlook would have been different had he marred the external thing that had brought me success in pageants—my face. “His compromise was to cut me so I couldn’t compete in pageants. What he didn’t realize was he’d already damaged me too much on the inside to do that anymore anyway.”

  “He’s a sick motherfucker. If his friend hadn’t been there . . .” Tulsa’s head drops forward.

  The topic of conversation has a way of weighing me down as well, even years later. “I’m here, and it’s only a few inches—”

  “A few inches? I’m glad you’ve found peace with this, but it’s fresh to me, and I have to say, I’m struggling. I would fucking kill him if I saw him right now.”

  Slipping off his lap, I kneel in front of him, resting my cheek on his leg. “I know you would, but I don’t want you to feel anger on behalf of my past. I want you to know what I went through to be here now.” I rest my chin on his knee and look up at him. “I’m just grateful to be here with you.

  “I’m grateful for you.” My favorite of his smiles appears, gentler than usual, but still genuine.

  He’s changed over the course of the tour. The first night at the Outlaw’s dinner, I thought he was like every other guy. Now I know he was just good at hiding, keeping himself from getting close to anyone. Maybe he was waiting for me to come along, like I was for him. Either way, there’s one thing I know for sure. I love him. “I love you.”

  He pushes the hair that’s fallen on the side of my face behind my ear. “I love you.”

  “As for my scar, I tried to get rid of it. Talked to tattoo artists, but because of the raised skin, they couldn’t make any guarantees. I tried every lotion and cream. A plastic surgeon would have to do a skin graft, and I couldn’t have hidden that cost from my parents.”

  “Fuck. I know this isn’t going to be good.”

  “You’ve seen it. It’s ugly and . . .” I sit back and bring my knees to my chest, needing to hold on to something.

  “Nikki, I don’t know what to say.”

  “It doesn’t hurt,” I rush to tell him, as if I have to answer some unasked question.

  He remains quiet, searching my eyes for the answer I’m not sure he’s ready to hear.

  “I can be who I am today because I’m no longer tied to him. No longer owned by him.”

  “No longer marred by him.”

  “Exactly.”

  “Will you show me again?” I can hear in his tone that he’s being cautious but curious.

  I stand and unbutton my shorts. He’s seen it, so I don’t have any fear when it comes to showing him. I don’t have to hide the ugly side anymore. “Every time I put on a bathing suit or showered, I saw it.” I take my shorts down on that hip, enough to see the rough and pinkish skin. I run my hand over it. “Every time I looked at myself in the mirror, I saw his name in the reflection. I finally had enough
. I was tired of hating my body.”

  Moving to the edge of the chair, one of his hands touches the back of my leg. The other reaches forward and replaces my hand on my stomach. Though the nerves are damaged, I can feel his touch everywhere else.

  Connection and love. I close my eyes when my scar tingles under his touch. Tulsa has the power to not just heal my body, but also my soul. “It looks like a burn. Did you burn yourself?”

  “You know I wasn’t trying to hurt myself, right?”

  “You were trying to destroy the hold he had on you.”

  “I tried. I did a little, but I couldn’t do it. Tequila wasn’t strong enough to deaden the pain. My brother found me at the beach, at this place where we used to hang out. I begged him to help me.”

  I try to force these damn tears back into their ducts. Swallowing my fear, I look down at him, but horror isn’t there. Turning his eyes toward me, he says, “I would do anything to help my brothers.” He gets it. He gets me.

  With a shaky hand, I reach out to touch his cheek. “I know you would.”

  “He didn’t ruin you.” He leans forward and kisses the scarred tissue. “You’re the strongest most incredible woman I know. Nothing will diminish who you are, Nikki Faris. The real you shines through. God, I love you.”

  Tears fall this time, because he loves me and because he understands. The anchor that tied me to a part of my past releases, and for the first time in years, the taste of freedom fills my soul. I am free to be. Finally.

  21

  Tulsa

  I’ve done a lot of crazy shit in my life: bare-ass bungee jumping, blowing up an old Chevy outside of Marfa, and getting higher than a kite and dancing on stage at ACL during the Sunday night headliners set. All three got me close to being arrested. I hope tonight has a different outcome.

  I never set out to fall in love. Hell, I don’t even know that I understood what love was outside of my family. But with Nikki, the words come easy and natural even though I’ve never said them to a woman before.