Living With Him

by J. L. Ostle

  I shake my head. “I don’t want to be with you.” The words that come out of my mouth are hurting me and I watch as Jackson drops to his knees, his head resting against my stomach.

  “Please don’t say that. I love you,” he says over and over.

  “Jackson, please stop.” My voice is shaking.

  “Just say you want to be with me. You said you would never leave me.”

  I stand back out of his reach and he stays kneeling, his eyes to the ground. Seeing him like this breaks my heart all over again. I will hurt him more in the long run. I know I am doing this for him and his future of being happy. I turn around and head back home.

  The following day, I get the phone call to say the money should be in my account and when I’m ready to sell the house to call Jack back. I know I didn’t want the house before, but now that it is the only place where I have a roof over my head, I’m thinking about keeping it. I can make better memories here, getting rid of the bad ones.

  I am cooking myself dinner when there is a knock on the door and I open it to see a man holding flowers. “Are you Riley Johnson?” I nod. “These are for you. If you can please sign here.” He hands me the clipboard. I sign it and he then hands me the flowers. I close the door looking for the note. When I open it, my mouth hangs open.

  Never going to stop

  fighting

  J x

  How does he know where I live? For the next couple of days, I get a bouquet of flowers throughout the day and each note telling me that he isn’t going to give up and that he loves me. Kendra even tells me that he still avoids girls and all he talks about is me.

  Each passing day that comes, I start to cave a little bit more. The flowers start to become less and less and I feel like I’m losing him all over again. I wanted him to stop but why do I feel crestfallen that he is starting to move on?

  I decide to take a walk. I don’t have a destination, I just want to clear all thoughts but it doesn’t happen. My mind is clogged with Jackson and the time apart has made me realize that I can’t live without him.

  I can’t have a life without him in it. Me not being with him is hurting us both. I need him to hold me, to see the good in me since all I can see is this monster within, ready to come out. I head to Jackson’s home and I smile when I see it.

  I head to the door and knock but no one answers. I knock again but only get silence. I decide to call Kendra to see what is going on.

  “Where are you?” I ask.

  “We are just grabbing takeout, we are on our way back home. Why where are you?”

  “I’m at your place.”

  She pauses. “As in Jackson's place?”

  I smile. “Yeah, you were right, Kendra, I was being childish and selfish. I love him. This past month has been torture.”

  She squeals.

  “Do you know where Jackson is?”

  “How many times do I need to tell you that you need to start listening to me? I am always right,” she laughs. “He should be home, hold on.” I hear her talking to who I assume is Jayce. “Riles, I need you to leave.” Her voice goes serious.

  “What? Why?” I see a cab pull up and I watch Jackson and Hilary fall out, laughing as they stand up, his arm around her waist and I feel frozen to the spot. I want the ground to open up right now and eat me. He staggers up the path and he stops when he notices me.

  “Kitten,” he slurs. “What are you doing here?” I can smell the alcohol radiating from him. I look at Hilary and she is smirking at me. I see her lipstick all over his neck.

  “I was just going.” Tears flow down my cheeks and he pulls my arm, stopping me. “Don’t you dare touch me.” I cry harder.

  “You came here for me?”

  “I wish I didn’t. I guess I was right and it doesn’t take you long to get over me. Enjoy your easy fuck, Jackson.” I start walking away.

  “You broke my fucking heart,” he shouts out. “You broke me and you expect me to not try to get rid of the pain, any way possible?”

  “Well, my heart broke when I left you and it is still breaking but I never even for one second thought about being with someone else. I guess that’s what makes us different. Have a good life.” I see Kendra and Jayce pull up and I head towards them. “Can you take me home, please?”

  Kendra nods.

  “Kitten, wait,” Jackson calls out to me. “I still love you.” I don’t turn around but I get in the car and I see him at the window. “You can’t do this again. You can’t show up and then leave. I don’t want her. I just want you. Always you.” Tears stream down both our faces.

  “I’m sorry I hurt you again,” is all I say as Kendra starts up the car and when we get down the street, I hold myself as I feel the pain slice right through me.

  “You need to stop doing this to yourself. He thought you both were over. You can’t blame him for doing what you wanted.”

  I don’t blame him. I blame myself. “I didn’t think he would. I thought he would be like me. Just be alone.”

  “I know you haven’t done relationships before, but a guy isn’t going to stay alone for long. It has been a month and he has done everything in his power to try to be with you and get you back.”

  “I know. I know. I just feel so stupid.”

  “Why don’t you go back when he is sober and talk to him? I bet after seeing you he has kicked that bitch to the curb.”

  “I want to be with him, Kendra,” I sniffle.

  “Then be with him, you idiot.”

  “What if …”

  “Stop with the what ifs. You are driving me crazy. I love you, I really do, but oh my God, woman, you keep waiting for the sky to fall or something. The only person who is making you miserable is yourself. You were in a bad place since your dad passed but it’s like you will do anything to keep yourself from being happy. You aren’t him but by doing what you’re doing. You are hurting the one person who loves you unconditionally.”

  I process all her words and she is right.

  I just don’t know what to do now.

  Chapter Thirty

  That night, once again, I can’t sleep and the times I do sleep my dreams are of Jackson. I need to talk to him but I have made myself a promise that if he did sleep with Hilary, I would be his friend but nothing more. I can’t be with him knowing he was inside another girl, even as weird as that sounds since I know he slept with so many girls before me but this time it's different.

  I take a very hot shower and get dressed in a light blue summer dress and do my hair and makeup. I call a cab and when I reach Jackson's home, once again I feel my heart beating a million times a second. What if he doesn’t want me anymore?

  I have put him through so much just because of my insecurities. Kendra was right. I was in a dark place but I could have gone to Jackson but instead, I pushed him away. I knock on the door and this time it opens but to Jayce.

  “You aren’t here to hurt him again,” he pleads with me. “That boy has gone through enough pain.”

  My stomach hurts from hearing those words. “I don’t plan too.”

  He nods and lets me in. “He’s in bed,” is all he says before running up the stairs, leaving me alone. I didn’t have a chance to ask if Hilary stayed or not. I guess I’m going to find out. I walk up the stairs slowly and I walk to Jackson's door. I knock softly but receive no answer. I push the door open slowly, poking my head in and I sigh in relief when I see him alone.

  “Jackson,” I whisper but he doesn’t stir. I walk closer to him and even in his sleep, I can see the pain over his face. I take off my shoes and jacket and climb in under the sheets, placing my hand over his. “Jackson, baby,” I say a little louder and his eyes open and connect with mine.

  “Am I dreaming?” he whispers. I shake my head, tears already escaping my eyes. “Are you really here?”

  I nod. “I’m really here.”

  “I can’t bare feeling like this anymore.” A tear escapes him and I lean forward, catching it with my thumb and his eyes clos
e at the contact. “I miss you so much.” He looks back at me.

  “I missed you so much. I am so sorry.”

  He moves a little so his face is closer to mine. “I didn’t sleep with Hilary, Riley. I don’t think I would have been able to even if you didn’t show up. I was just trying to numb the pain.”

  The pain that I caused. I was numbing myself and in the process, I was causing him pain. “I believe you.”

  “Are you going to stay?”

  “For a little while. We need to talk, though.”

  He nods. “But …” he pauses. “Do you still love me?”

  I smile with tears still flowing down my cheeks. “I will always love you.”

  His lips land on mine and it starts off as gentle and soft but right now I need more of him. I need us to be whole again.

  I pull him closer to me, wrapping one of my legs around his ass, pulling his groin closer to mine, causing us both to moan. Jackson sits up pulling me onto his lap so I’m straddling him, kissing me with such need.

  I pull his shirt over his head, kissing him hard once again. I sit up a little and start to take off my dress with some help from Jackson and I press my body to his, wanting to feel skin against skin.

  “We don’t need to do this,” Jackson says breathlessly.

  “I need this, Jackson. I need you to show me you love me.”

  He looks into my eyes. “Promise you will never leave me.”

  “I promise.” His lips land back onto mine and he unfastens my bra. I press my breasts against his chest and my whole body ignites with this electric pull.

  I start tugging on his boxer shorts, indicating I want them off and he quickly sits up, pulling them off. With one quick motion he rips my panties in two and I look at him with wide eyes and he smirks at me before kissing me again.

  He moves us so we are lying down, with him above me and I wrap my legs around him, feeling his cock press against my entrance but he stops and I whimper.

  “Protection,” he says.

  “I’m still on the implant. Are you clean?” I bite my lip. I know this isn’t a sexy thing to ask before what we are about to do, but I need to know.

  “I’m clean. I always get checked.” I use my ankles to pull his body closer to mine until I can feel his dick against my core again. “You ready?” I nod and he slowly starts entering me. Inch by inch. My eyes tear from by the pain. “Are you okay?”

  “Yes, keep going.” I see the concentration on his face and when he is fully inside me, I have never felt so full. I feel stretched but in a good way. Jackson has now taken all my firsts. He slowly starts to pull out and then push back in and after a couple of minutes, the pain subsides, pleasure taking over. “Harder, Jackson.”

  Jackson looks into my eyes and I see how dark they have become. “Fuck, Riley.” He starts thrusting faster and harder. “You feel so fucking good.” This throbbing ache starts to build and I wrap my legs around him tighter and he goes faster, if that’s even possible. Soon this feeling washes over me, making me see stars as I scream out in release. After a few more thrusts, Jackson roars out his release and I feel his cock pulsing inside me.

  Jackson stays above me, not moving and when his eyes connect with mine I can see his own insecurities. “I’m not going anywhere.”

  He smiles and kisses my nose as he stands. “Be right back.” He leaves the room and I sit up and after a minute he walks back in with a cloth and he wipes between my thighs. “Are you sore?”

  “A little.”

  He finishes cleaning me up and lies next to me, pulling me into his side. “I love you, kitten.”

  “I love you too.”

  He moves himself so he is now lying on his side, facing me. “Why did you leave me?” I bite my lip. “I need to know.”

  “After what happened with my dad I just got scared. Even before he died he wanted to be with my mom. He loved her so much but yet it created this monster and I was scared that if you ever left me I would turn out the same, so I thought it would be best for us both if I walked away.”

  He entwines his fingers with mine. “My dad was a monster. Do you think I am?”

  I shake my head. “You are nowhere near like a monster.”

  He kisses my nose. “And neither are you. We don’t turn into our parents, we learn from them, to be better than what they were. You should have talked to me. This past month has been hell. I didn’t realize how much I needed you in my life until you walked away.”

  “Do you hate me?” I ask him.

  “I can never hate you, but you did hurt me.” I look down and he lifts my chin. “Don’t make me go through that again.”

  “Okay.” He kisses me again and I wrap my arms around his neck when the door bangs open and I quickly grab the sheet, covering myself.

  “Whoa, too much skin.” Kendra covers her eyes. “Jayce said you were here so I had to make sure you both weren’t killing each other but I guess you guys did something else instead.” I see her smile.

  “Kendra, have you ever heard of knocking?”

  She scoffs. “Knocking? I thought you killed each other. I will let you continue doing whatever you are doing.” She turns, facing us and gives us both a wink and closes the door.

  We wake up in each other’s arms and once we started kissing, one thing leads to another and we take a second opportunity to make up for lost time. We shower together, get dressed together, and he holds my hand all the way to school.

  When it is time for lunch, I head to the cafeteria and when I walk through the doors, everyone’s eyes are on me and I see Jackson at the table. When he spots me, he jogs up to me, holding my hand and then I hear the whispering.

  “I guess we are number one gossip again.” He looks at me and back at the floor and I press my lips to his and I quickly jump, wrapping my legs around his waist, his hands holding onto my ass. “What is this for?”

  I smile brightly. “If they want to gossip about us, we better give them something good.” He beams at me and then his lips are back on mine as he guides us to our table, laying me down.

  “We get it, you’re back together,” I hear Kendra groan and I giggle into Jackson's mouth, feeling his smile against my lips. “We have to eat here.”

  I turn my head so I’m facing her and stick my tongue out. “You are just jealous since we are going to christen this table.” I look back at Jackson and his eyes are trailing all over my body.

  “You want to right here?”

  I shrug jokingly and then I hit his arm. “I am not giving these people a show.” I push him off me and grab his hand, taking us both to our seats. “I love you, Jackson.”

  “I love you, kitten.” He kisses my nose.

  “You two are so gross.” Kendra makes gagging noises.

  “I know.” We laugh. Jackson and I are tickling one another, laughing and I feel like the last month never happened. Jackson is tickling me so hard that I end up on the floor and I look into his bag to see a tiny black box poking out and I look at it with wide eyes. Jackson notices where I’m looking and tries to hide it away. “Jackson was that …”

  “It’s nothing,” he quickly says and I grab his bag, looking inside it until I reach the black box. “I got it before we were on a break.” I look at him and back at the box in my hand, opening it up to see a beautiful engagement ring. “Please don’t over think it, I just thought one day …”

  “I will say yes whenever you ask me.” I smile at him.

  “You will say yes?”

  I nod.

  “No matter when I ask?”

  I nod again.

  “So, if I ask you right now, in front of everyone, you will say yes?”

  I nod.

  He gives me such an adoring smile and then he is down on one knee.

  “Why the fuck is he on his knees?” I hear Jermaine say, but my eyes are glued to the man in front of me.

  “Riley, my kitten. My life changed when I met you. You are so sweet, caring, and kind and even though we hit a bad
patch, I want you to know that I would never stop loving you. I want you to know that no matter what life brings us, I want you by my side. You are my everything, my world. I don’t exist without you in it. Please say you will be my always. Please say yes in being my wife.” He grabs my hand, placing the ring on my finger.

  “Yes, a million times, yes,” I scream out and everyone cheers as Jackson lifts me, spinning me around.

  “You are going to be my wife.”

  “You are going to be my husband. I love you, Jackson, so much, even when I tried to stop, I couldn’t.”

  “You never will.” His lips press against mine.

  I never thought I was worthy of love. I believed I was unlovable, but Jackson made me see that love was enough, and just to think it all started when I started living with him.

  Read on for Excerpt

  Read on for the first two chapters of

  Seduced by a Rockstar

  Seduced by a Rockstar

  Chapter 1

  “U.G.L.Y. You ain’t got no alibi, you ugly,” my mum and I sing out from the top our lungs.

  “What, what?” my mum raps, and we join in together on the last word, ‘“ugly’.” We chuckle as we look out the window. It seems like we are slowing down. I look at the moving van in front of us and yup, we are parking up.

  I guess this is it.

  “It doesn’t look so bad.”

  I lean forward, eyeing up the building that is going to be my new home. We are moving into an apartment complex until we find a house of our own. I miss my old house. It was my childhood home. I have been in that house since I was six. But I guess it’s now tarnished with bad memories.

  “It looks posh. Maybe it’s too posh for us,” I try to joke, and my mum scoffs at me.

  “We can be posh.”

  I roll my eyes. We park the car and I get out, leaning against it as I really take everything in. I’m glad we are finally here. We stopped at my ’aunt’s—my mum’s sister—for the last two weeks, and living out of a suitcase wasn’t ideal. Especially when sharing an airbed; my body is aching to sleep on a proper mattress.