“Thank you. You look pretty stunning yourself.”
He did too. He was wearing a pair of khaki shorts and a light blue tank top. I’d never seen him dress so casual. I almost felt foolish that I dressed up.
“Come on, let’s go to the water,” he suggested pulling me through the crowd. “I want to tell you about my doctor’s visit.”
Oh my God. I forgot!
He had told me that he was getting his check-up, and I hadn’t even called him to see how he was. I was so preoccupied with Oliver and Lily that I had forgotten my friend. It made me feel lousy.
We reached the water and Nolan stared out onto the horizon. The sun was setting and turning the sky a beautiful shade of orange.
“Nolan, I’m sorry that I didn’t call you yesterday to see how your check-up went,” I started. He turned and faced me then placed his finger on my lips.
“Shh,” he said. “I’m not mad at you. I knew I’d see you tonight, so no need to apologize. You’re here, and that’s all that matters to me.”
A stray piece of hair fell out of my braid as a gust of wind blew between us. Nolan took it in his fingers and placed it gently behind my ear. Chills went across my skin with his simple touch. His dark brown eyes bore into mine, and he leaned into me and wrapped his arms around me. I buried my head into his chest and worried. Did he get bad results? Was the tumor back?
Finally he said, “The results were clear. The tumor didn’t come back.”
Tears streamed down my face unexpectedly. I was so happy to finally hear some good news. My life had been full of drama and horrible stories lately, so just hearing something positive made me emotional.
“Are you … crying?” He asked pulling me from his chest. I nodded and wiped the tears.
“Happy tears,” I assured him.
But I wasn’t really sure if that was true or not. On one hand I was happy to hear the news about him and on the other I was so sad that we wouldn’t be seeing each other after this party. Sure people say they’re going to hang out, but life gets in the way. It was the same scenario I felt with Kyleigh; friendships don’t last unless you see each other on a regular basis.
Soon we won’t be seeing each other at school, and we’ll be busy. Before long we’ll grow apart. And maybe he’ll get a girlfriend and I’ll still be single. Because there wasn’t anyone at Ridgeline I wanted to date.
Does this mean I like him? Did I want to date him?
I wasn’t sure what it meant.
But at that exact moment, Nolan bent down and ran his fingers over the back of my neck and brought his lips to mine. Instead of fighting it, I let myself go and kissed him back. I fell into his rhythm as his kiss continued, and once he pulled away, I lost it. My eyes grew huge at the realization that Nolan had just kissed me.
I like it. A lot.
But we wouldn’t be attending the same school. For some reason that really bothered me. Did I want Nolan as more than just a friend?
“Are you okay? I mean … is it okay that I just did that?” he asked looking worried.
“I … I don’t know.” I didn’t know, and I hated that I didn’t. I hated that I felt so awful about kissing him and so wonderful at the same time. What the hell was wrong with me?
Nolan was a great guy, the best.
He was probably the most gorgeous guy in this whole world to me. His beauty ran deeper than just on the surface.
I had known that from day one. But we’d started out on the wrong foot, and afterwards became friends. Were we rushing into it? Would it be too fast if we wanted it to be more? All these questions, and I had no answers.
“You don’t know?” He laughed. “Well, Sadie, I know. I know how I feel about you. I have known. I mean, I didn’t try to hide it.” He looked hurt.
“Nolan, I just don’t want to have some summer romance only to break up in the fall,” I admitted. He shook his head.
“No. I don’t believe you.”
I didn’t believe myself either for some reason.
“I … I don’t know what I want right now. I do know that I still want to be friends and maybe …”
“Friends,” he gasped. “Is this because of Nash? Are you still not over him?”
“No! This has nothing to do with Nash. I never really felt anything for him. I know that now,” I admitted.
“Oh. Well, then that makes perfect sense,” he said as he started backing away. “Because when you were into him, you basically fawned all over him. Drooling and staring. With me, you’re different. You’re yourself, except you’re not. If you’re not into me, just be honest.”
I shook my head and tried to grab him and shake him. I wanted him to understand that what I felt for Nash was only because he was charming, but I knew that would only confuse him further. I didn’t have the words to explain why Nash and I would never have happened. I wanted to tell him how even before the night at Clear, how I had felt off about Nash. Instead I just said, “I don’t know how I feel about you, Nolan. I wasn’t even sure if you liked me. I mean … if I had known sooner.”
I was not making this better. He still backed away from me.
“Sooner? When? When you were going on a date with Nash? I should have told you then? Sadie, there was never a chance until now,” he said sadly. “And now it’s over.”
My mouth fell open and my heart hurt so badly I could have sworn it was bleeding from the inside. He had stabbed me with his words, and I couldn’t do anything to ease the pain. I watched him walk away from me, but I didn’t run after him. I didn’t kiss him and tell him I felt the same, but that I was just scared. I couldn’t tell him any of this, but I wanted to.
***
I found Kyleigh by the picnic tables eating chips and drinking out of a red cup. I plopped down next to her and didn’t say a word. She perked up and hugged me.
“Hey, stranger. I’ve been here for a while now. Where ya been?”
I shrugged. “At the water with Nolan.” I stared off in the distance, not meeting Kyleigh’s eyes.
“With Nolan, huh? Doing a little kissy kissy?” she laughed.
I gave her a look, finally, and it must have said more than I meant it to because she put her cup and the chips down.
“Serious?”
I nodded.
“It’s about time,” she said as she picked up another chip and ate it.
“Wait? What do you mean by that?” I asked her.
“Oh, come on, Sadie. It was so apparent that you two are into each other. I was just waiting until the day you finally did something about it.”
How did she see something between us and I didn’t?
“It’s just that … I told him I didn’t know.” I reached for her cup and took a swig. It was pure alcohol. It stung badly going down my throat, but I needed it. I finished it and slammed the cup down. Kyleigh stared at me with shock. “What?” I asked with a shrug.
“You don’t know? What the hell don’t you know, Sadie?” She pulled the cup from my grasp and refilled it with a bottle in her bag.
“I don’t want to start a relationship with a guy I don’t go to school with. I really, honestly don’t know. I do know that once summer ends, so does my new friendships.” Her faced looked pained like I had just slapped her.
“Dude, Nolan Rylan is the best guy at Alcott, and you just turned him down. When I say that, I mean it. He hasn’t dated any girls at our school, not because he’s too good for them, but because he hasn’t met the right one,” she informed me. “He’s sweet, and you just don’t know if you want to be in a relationship with possibly the best guy in our whole shitty town. I’d also like to declare that when summer ends, our friendship will still be there. I will put in my part if you put in yours.” She poked me in the chest.
“What do you want from me? I’m a little scared, okay?” I admitted.
“Okay, that’s better. It’s normal to be scared. But Sadie, you know how you feel about him. Deep inside you know. From the moment you met Nolan, you’re face has
lit up. You started seeing Nash for what he was, and you even told me so.”
I did, didn’t I? I had told her that I didn’t trust Nash. And it did happen around the time that I met Nolan and started getting to know him.
“And besides, so what if you don’t go to Alcott? We live in the same town, duh! Do you realize how much you screwed up yet?” She asked as she handed me a water bottle. “No alcohol for you. Remember, you don’t drink?”
“I don’t drink.” I’d only just finished her whole cup of alcohol for her. I stood up and wobbled a bit.
“Yeah, I’ll say. Come on let’s find your sister, lightweight.”
I didn’t drink. I hated it. But after hurting Nolan I had a moment of weakness. And somehow I could see clearly with a slight buzz. With my inhibitions gone, I could see just how badly I had screwed everything up. I could see how stupid I was to not tell Nolan that I cared for him too. As Kyleigh found Cara, I looked over at Lily and Oliver kissing and dancing. Maybe I didn’t want to move as fast as they did. Maybe that was why I didn’t tell Nolan how I felt. No.
Was it because Nash hurt my feelings? No.
I knew why, but I was afraid to answer myself. To admit that I had fallen in love with a boy in four short weeks. I was scared of myself. I was scared of who I was now that I had him in my life. It had changed me so much that I saw the world differently. Life is a fragile and precious gift. We lived here for such a short amount of time, and Nolan was proof that life was meant to be lived.
I would be living it alone without him if I didn’t do something about it, and soon. I had thought that I had to fight to save my friendship with Lily, but that wasn’t what I had to fight for. I saw now what I needed to save.
Eighteen
I ran all the way out to where my car was and looked for Nolan, hoping he was still out here. But I didn’t see him or his car. I couldn’t drive; I was way too buzzed. I pulled off my shoes and stood in the lot, flustered. I had to get to him, but how?
“Where the hell are you going?” Kyleigh asked trying to catch her breath.
“I gotta get to him,” I blurted.
“Okay, well you’re gonna need a ride, so chill out a sec,” Cara said coming up behind Kyleigh. She pulled the keys from my hand and got in the car.
I turned to Kyleigh and hugged her neck. “Thank you. I love you,” I told her. She laughed and said, “Love you too. Weirdo.”
I got in the car, and Cara pulled out of the sand, the car fishtailed a bit. I looked out of the window and saw Kyleigh waving. She signed something that I didn’t recognize. I wished she had taught me to sign so I’d understand. But when we hit the street, she texted me.
Kyleigh: see you soon
We would see each other soon. I would make sure of that. No matter what I had to do, these friends would stay with me, and I would not let them go.
“Where does this kid live?” Cara asked.
I hadn’t even thought about that. I only knew where the cottage was. I had to take a chance that he’d be there, so I told her the directions.
We got up the steep hill toward his place when I told her to let me out and wait. I didn’t want to pull up with my big sister in the car.
“I’ll be right here,” she said reassuringly. “Just don’t mess this up, okay?”
I nodded and got out. The rocky road felt like hell on my feet. I knew the cottage was just up around the bend, but walking it seemed like it was taking forever. That was okay. It gave me time to think about what I was going to tell him.
Finally the cottage came into view, and I saw lights on. I silently cheered and sped up my pace. Nolan’s car was in the drive, and I could hear music coming from the glass room upstairs. He was here for sure. I reached the door and rang the bell. No one came. I rang it again. Still no answer. I walked off the porch and looked up at his room. He couldn’t hear me.
I searched the ground for a rock then decided against it. I would break something for sure. So I decided to wait. He would walk out here at some point or a song would end. Either way I would wait until I saw his face. I wouldn’t text him because that wasn’t how I wanted to do this. I wanted to do it face to face.
I sat out there for a while, still no Nolan. My phone rang, and I answered.
“Hello?”
“Sadie?” I didn’t recognize the voice at all.
“Yes. Who’s this?” I pulled the phone back to look at the number, I didn’t know it.
“This is Mrs. Bentley. You’re English teacher.”
The worst thoughts floated through my head. Did I not pass the test? Would I have to end up taking the course over?
“Hi, Mrs. Bentley,” I said nervously.
“I’m sorry to be calling so late, but I figured you’d be up still, right?” She didn’t wait for my answer. “I found your final essay and your work during the session to be outstanding. I’d like to have you attend the class I teach at the college this year.”
Wow! Totally not what I expected.
“Really?”
“Yes, really. I spoke with your counselor, Mrs. Anders, and she told me you’re good on credits. So you’ll only need a half-day session for your senior year. The spot in my class is yours for the taking.”
“Thank you. Um, what’s the class?”
She laughed. “Yeah, I guess I should have filled you in on that. It’s a writing course.” She went on to describe the class in full and what is expected of me as a student. “I want to see what you’ve got. I don’t want you to be scared, but I want you to write like you did over the last four weeks. Can you do that?”
I smiled and said, “Yes. I think I can.”
“Good! Now, I did invite another one of the students from the class, and he’s said yes as well.”
I wondered who it was. I didn’t want to ask and be rude. But I didn’t have to, “You know Nolan Rylan, right?”
My heart beat faster. “Yes.”
“Aren’t you two dating?” she asked. I laughed. Apparently Nolan and I put off those vibes because now she saw that we were something. “Not yet,” was all I said. She said some more about sending out forms to me with all of my information, and then she added, “See you in a few weeks, Sadie.”
“Bye. Thank you again, Mrs. Bentley.” I pressed end and looked back up to Nolan’s window. The music was still blaring, and he hadn’t come out on the balcony.
“So, you got in too?”
I turned around and Nolan was standing behind me. His hands were in his pockets, and he was shirtless―his body was amazing. Muscular in the best way possible and all I could think was, This was what was hiding under those nice dress clothes? I absentmindedly followed his abs down to the perfect V-shape that came to rest at his pant line. I looked up and felt myself blush. I was totally checking him out. Nolan was so damn hot.
I adverted my eyes to his messy hair that I realized needed a cut, and then to his tired eyes. He probably just woke up.
“How long have you been standing there?” I inquired.
“Not long. I heard talking, and I came around to see who it was.”
“You heard me? Over that noise?” I asked pointing to his room. He laughed and with his toe kicked a pebble across the ground.
“I wasn’t up there. I fell asleep on the porch swing out back. I left the music on. Sometimes I like to look at the stars outside and listen to a little music,” he explained. “So are you going to be in the class?”
I nodded. “Yeah. It sounds good.”
I was nervous. My hands were sweaty, and I noticed he wasn’t making eye contact with me.
“Why are you here?”
My mouth grew very dry all of a sudden. Now that I was on the spot and had to confess with why I was actually standing on his property, I grew scared again.
“I … uh … I,” I stammered. Get your shit together, Sadie.
I stood taller and walked a bit closer to him. He looked up and met my eyes, now.
“I came here to tell you that I’m sorry about e
arlier,” I began. “I got scared, not because I didn’t know how I felt about you, because I do know. I know that you’ve been there for me at all of the times when I needed someone. Yeah, at first we were friends and I liked your brother.” He shot me a quick painful look, and I realized I was losing him. “I was wrong about, Nash!” I blurted. I had to make my point here soon or I would end up losing him again.
I took a deep breathe. “Nolan, at first I didn’t see you like that. I was caught up in all the stuff I swore I would never get into. I was no better than the status monsters at my school.” He looked confused, but I went on. “I was only into Nash because I’ve never had any guy at my school even look my way. He talked to me, and I was flattered. But I saw him for what he was and I felt uneasy about him almost right away.”
“If you felt that way then why did you go to Clear with him that night? Why did you run away and get all upset when you found out about Amelie?” He had a point, but I had an explanation.
“I went because I felt like I had to go, to give him a chance. I still didn’t know if I felt weird about him or if it was me not actually liking him. I know now. Even if Amelie wasn’t in that truck, I know that nothing would have ever happened between us.” I thought back on that night and how I felt when I was with Nash, why I took off, and who was there to help me. “I ran off because I was embarrassed. Any girl with any sense would have done the same thing. I didn’t want to stay and hang out with him and Amelie.”
He still didn’t say anything, but he didn’t leave me standing there.
“Nolan,” I whispered getting closer to him. “I think I’m in love with you. And I’m sort of freaking out because I’ve never felt this way in my entire life. When you didn’t come to class, I was worried about you. I was scared when you told me about last year. I was afraid I would lose you. I don’t want you going anywhere that I can’t go.” He looked up and met my eyes for the first time. “I really liked your kiss at the lake. I wanted to keep going, and that’s why I came here tonight. I don’t want to miss out on kisses like that ever again.”
“You don’t?”
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