Sorrow

by Brian Wortley

  “What is it?” Val asked.

  “I don’t know,” Sara replied. “Déjà vu, I guess.” The two women sat together silently for a time. Connor and Ian came through the passenger car on their way to the engine. Val gestured for them to keep quiet and let Sara sleep. Connor whispered that they left Andrea on guard on the boxcar.

  Sometime later, Sara whispered “Val, did you know you’re twitching?”

  “I know. I think Moses and I were exposed to some chemicals. I just hope that’s all that happens. I’ve felt like throwing up for a while but haven’t yet. So that’s always nice.” Val thought a moment about it. “Come to think of it, I hope we’re not contagious.”

  Sara sat up and gave her a strange look. Sara laughed. The first sign of happiness Val had seen in her in a long time. “I think you’re fine,” Sara said.

  “Do you really think so? I mean, I haven’t done up my hair in a while.”

  Sara smiled. “I’ve missed you.”

  “I’ve missed you too. Thank you for telling me all that.”

  “You’re welcome.” Sara stood. “I should go see Moses.”

  ∙ ∙ ∙ ∙ • ∙ ∙

  Sara entered the poorly lit boxcar to find Moses on his side. Next to him a pool of blood had collected. Even as she entered, a horrible cough seized him and he spit out more blood into the pool.

  “Is there anything I can do for you?” Sara asked.

  “Sara, Sara,” Moses said slowly, “where are you going?”

  “Nowhere. I’ll stay with you.”

  Moses feebly placed his hand on hers. “Sara,” he said in a tone full of meaning.

  She sighed heavily and bowed her head.

  “I am dying,” Moses cut straight to the point, “as you know very well.” Sara couldn’t help noticing that even now he seemed almost colossal in his majestic strength. “I have held my words back from striking you thinking it better. But this is the end so I will speak as I wish. How did you come back to humanity after becoming a zombie?”

  “You know this story.”

  “Tell me.”

  “Brady studied the virus and eventually infected himself. Once a zombie, he found me and cured me from my disease. And then we stole away and Connor and Val rescued us in a helicopter. That’s all.”

  “Believe what you will, the cold facts remain that this man died to save you. If I remember correctly, you ate him. And you doubt his love?”

  “Don’t patronize me, Moses. You saw his betrayal. You were there! He’s brought Zalac down on our heads. He’s the reason we’ve been chased. I heard out of his own mouth that he wanted the cut the child out of me and murder me.”

  “So, you believe your husband was truly evil the whole time?”

  “I know it wasn’t the king in Colorado Springs. Brady told me, free of madness, that he wanted to destroy me and stand me naked before my judges. He said he’d make me watch as my friends die. And he has! He murdered and ate one of us! Don’t you dare say he didn’t!

  “Don’t you think I’ve tried to justify him? He’s my husband and I loved him. I desperately wanted to make sense of it all and believe he was still going to rescue me! I’ve looked over it a million times from every angle! I’ve tried to absolve him any way I could. I’ve tried so desperately to pretend that he still loves me and is somehow fulfilling his promise to me. But I can’t.

  “He’s a murderer. I’ve seen him working with Zalac giving them our movements and setting all their forces against us. He betrayed my child to them. I know for a fact he’s beyond the kings’ corruption. Their influence isn’t driving him. We are hunted because of his ambition. His promises to me are broken. He is a liar and a charlatan! He just told me whatever I wanted to hear.

  “The only thing I don’t know is why. Why me? Why did he cure me just to watch me suffer? He has put me through endless hell! What did I ever do to him? He just wanted a womb to bear his child. It could have been anyone!” Sara started to cry. “Why couldn’t he take any whore off the street and leave me in my madness?”

  “My eyes rot somewhere out in the wilderness but you are the one who is blind!” Sara’s tears stopped and she turned towards him. Sara had never encountered this side of him before. “Let me be honest, Sara. You bring up great questions that need answering. And I do not have those answers for you. But I know Brady. Perhaps you did not realize this, but I spent a great deal of time with him in Colorado Springs. I got to know his character. His way of thinking. The kind of man he was. And I sit here and tell you, I have no doubt he is, even now, fighting for you. I have never once doubted him.”

  “Then you are a misled fool.”

  “You are not the only one who has had time on her hands. I have sat silently contemplating all my life. You may too when you see your death on the horizon. And through that process, I have guessed and guessed well. You see, I know who Brady is.” She looked at him intrigued. “And nothing my old eyes would show me will dissuade me of that. You, of all people, should know you don’t have the full picture to truly judge another’s actions. Can you, with all your powerful gifts, look at a man and truly perceive his motives? Or whether he is good or ill? For our eyes cannot see the unseen and we so easily believe what is placed before us.”

  “We'll take a moment and assume you’re right. Let’s pretend, despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary, that Brady is truly motivated by some mystic purpose that we cannot perceive. Let’s even pretend that he is ‘good’ and still trying to save us as we thought before all this insanity. Even then your argument still breaks down.

  “Even if he isn’t ‘evil’ he still saw the future and didn’t help. He could have easily shielded me from so much grief. He has continually forced me into the hardest path. Why couldn’t he just tell us that Colorado Springs was going to be nuked? We could have evacuated. So many people died because he didn’t open his mouth. He just made vague cryptic references no one could put together. He told Zalac about my baby making me the most hunted person in America. Why couldn’t-”

  “Stop,” he interrupted her. “Have you forgotten I’ve been with you since the beginning? I’ve seen the depths of the sadness you’ve been through. Have you forgotten that we all saw you try to cut your child out of your womb?”

  “You know nothing! Even a millionth of the agony I have absorbed in the halls of time I cannot relate to you! I have seen what no human should ever see! Have you listened to the screams of babies in their cribs whose parents can’t feed them because they’re out eating human flesh? Have you been the one who watched their precious bodies rot into bones in their cribs? The weight of our race’s agony has attached itself to my soul and I cannot bear it. It has dragged me down into the depths.”

  “And what have you done with this agony? Do you not know that the worst kind of pain is wasted pain? You have suffered greatly! But you have taken that grief and kept it within yourself, welling it up. I see it in you like a great ocean in which you drown. Pain is not meant to be held in. To do so robs you of all benefits of your suffering. Instead, reap the pain.

  “Believe me, I know. I am not like you having to see my friends die over and over. But I am familiar with my own relational pain and loss. I am a titan of that industry. Not altogether unlike you.

  “I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. Your suffering has made you so strong! Don’t you see? He’s teaching you who you truly are. If he stepped in and just relieved all your suffering, would you be strong? Would you have grown? But now when you look back at what you’ve been through, there’s no denying the fact that you’re not who you were. Even you, who in many ways are your own chief antagonist, can and will testify to your undeniable character. He’s making you see yourself as he already knows you to be. Something this complicated can’t just be told. He’s having you experience your strength first hand so you can’t deny it.”

  “You’re trying to convince me that all this suffering has been for my benefit?”

  “Of course! Did you th
ink your suffering was without meaning? From the start, it has been about the two of you. Has your gift blinded you? Can you really not see that all this is your and Brady’s dance?”

  “Dance? Dance! If this is a dance, I want out!”

  Moses made a noise between a sigh and a groan. He breathed in heavily and continued. “Do you know why, after all the hardship I’ve been through, I still smile?” Moses asked but Sara made no reply. “Brady. He’s here.”

  Sara looked around half expecting to see him standing behind them.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Can you not see him?”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “I see him in you.”

  “I’ve heard enough,” Sara rose.

  “Brady has not abandoned you, Sara.”

  Sara almost responded violently but calmed herself. “You were exposed to a lot of chemicals! You’ve completely forgotten who he was.”

  “Brady has not abandoned you, Sara.” Sara tried to reply again but Moses cut her off repeating again his sentence.

  “Shut up, Moses! It wasn’t you he promised he’d never leave. He didn’t impregnate you and then cast you aside for greater things. He left me to face the horrors of the wilderness by myself. We were a team! We were in love. He knew he wouldn’t be coming with me. Why couldn’t he just tell me that? It would have been so much better. He could have just said, ‘Sara, I’m leaving you. Go live in a hole somewhere and avoid the ending of the world. I’m going to go join Zalac. Kiss our child from time to time for me!’”

  Moses bent over coughing again violently.

  “Damn it, Moses, look what you’ve done! You made me break my promise I made Val witness to!”

  “Tell me, Time Walker!” Moses yelled in more strength than Sara thought he had left. “Humor an old man who will soon be among the shining dead. What is the measure of a life?”

  “Moses, I’m tired of these games.”

  “You will answer me!”

  “To become alive,” she screamed back as if to a parent in an argument. He smiled at her answer. “To know and be known. To love and be loved. To rise from these ashes of death and become something altogether new. And to use that new life to become alive and embrace the wonder that every little child innately knows.”

  “And how does your life measure up, Walker?”

  “I’ve been punctured by the shrapnel of this life and all the wonder drained out of me. I shiver naked and alone in the bitter void of reality.”

  “Sara, how long will you be sad? Will you forever sleep on the shards of your broken dreams? Don’t you know this war is about hope? The child growing inside of you is about hope. Brady saved you from being a zombie to give you hope.”

  Growing tired of the conversation, Sara replied, “Hope for what, Moses?”

  “Hope that, in spite of everything you see now, Brady still loves you and you are not forgotten. Hope that all this catastrophe can be forged into something good. The void in your heart at the terrors around you testifies that there must be something better than this. That is the hope I refer to. It’s the tenacious, undying belief that despite everything going on around you something better is desperately awaiting your arrival. Hope that your rescuer is still going to catch you even though it may be only seconds before you would hit the ground.”

  “Moses, I wish,” she halted. “I wish I could believe that. But Brady is not the man you think he is. I don’t know where you live, but I live in a world that’s not fairytales and rainbows. Brady is not my knight in shining armor riding to save me. He fucked me like a whore and threw me into the street. The door slammed and now I cower naked and cold among the dead, wishing I were one of them. To think otherwise is ignorance.”

  Sara stood and walked to the entrance. “Do you have anything else to say to me?” she asked.

  When he said nothing, she stepped out to leave but then stopped to say, “Thank you for watching over Val. You are truly a man of your word.” With that, Sara left to find Val.

  ∙ ∙ ∙ ∙ • ∙ ∙

  Sara stepped into the passenger car and looked out to find the bayou outside passing by much more slowly than she remembered.

  Val and the others in the passenger car were discussing something as Sara approached.

  “Ian and Carlos,” Val ordered, “you two are in charge of getting water. Use the buckets or whatever else you can to scoop up bayou water and pour it into the engine. The rest of us will try to find firewood.”

  Val turned and started watching the trees out the window.

  Sara put her hand on Val’s shoulder and took her over so they could speak in private.

  “The queen is making good time,” Sara said. “She will be here soon. The wounds on her legs aren’t slowing her nearly enough. She’ll attack from this side in a little while. What have you decided?”

  “Well, what is your plan?” Val replied.

  “Essentially a human bomb. I know this is awful but the queen will be able to tell if Moses is dead. So we need to keep him alive. Carlos still has a timer bomb from Chuck’s stash. We can put a few extra grenades on Moses and make sure it detonates when the queen is standing over him. All we really need to do is blow her legs off. We shouldn’t slow the train down. She’ll probably have minions with her so they’ll overrun the train if we do.”

  “How do we know how long to set the timer for?”

  “I’ll tell you exactly.” Sara watched as Val looked away to the slowly passing trees. “Look, Val, I know it’s awful. All of this is awful! But we really don’t have any other option.”

  “We should go,” Carlos interrupted. “The train has stopped.”

  “I’ll make my decision while I’m out,” Val said to Sara.

  Sara watched helplessly as everyone but her and Moses moved methodically around in the bayou collecting water and firewood. Sara took her time and managed to climb the stairs to the roof of the boxcar. From there she had a good vantage point to watch for approaching foes. She spotted one to the west and fired at it a few times before hitting it.

  The shots brought Val running back to the train.

  “Everything’s ok,” Sara yelled down. “Just hurry!”

  Long before the tender was full of wood or the engine laden with water, Sara made the company press on. As they started moving, several level two zombies came charging in from the west. Val and Andrea scrambled up to the top of the boxcar to help Sara.

  “What did you decide?” Sara asked Val.

  “We have to do it,” Val replied softly.

  “Andrea and I can handle these zombies. You should prepare Moses,” Sara told Val.

  Val set her mind to the sad task and climbed slowly back down the stairs. She retrieved the bomb from Carlos and asked for a few grenades.

  “What are you going to do?” Carlos asked over the roar of the engine.

  “I’m going to kill Moses,” Val replied coldly.

  He looked at her as if she were joking. She said nothing else but scrambled back over the tender to the passenger car.

  Val hesitated before stepping through the entrance to the boxcar. Her frame disappeared into its interior. A few minutes later she came back out bearing a somber expression.

  Val found Sara and the others on top the boxcar. “Moses is dead,” Val yelled over the wind and random gunfire.

  Without hesitation Sara replied, “That’s impossible. It’s-” her sentence drifted off as she fell into deep thought. “I saw him falling from the train and then explode.” Sara looked Val squarely in the eye through her blindfold. “But it’s not him. You’re right. He dies here. How could I have gotten this wrong?” Sara whirled around until her blindfolded eyes came to rest on Ian. He looked at her somberly. “It’s you. They’ve come for you. I got far too involved emotionally and saw only death. I didn’t realize it was both of you.”

  “Ian?” Val protested. “He’s the healthiest one here! Why not me? I’ve got all kinds of harmful chemicals burning my skin.
It killed Moses it might kill me too!”

  “It’s alright,” Ian said placing his hand on Val’s shoulder. “You have Connor and life left. I’m not scared. Let me do this.”

  “Ian-” Val said surprised that she was tearing up.

  “It’s ok,” Ian comforted her. “I want to help.”

  “I don’t understand,” Val said aloud as if to Sara.

  Sara stepped in and told Andrea to get the duct tape from the backpack in the engine.

  Val watched distantly as Sara and Andrea taped the timed bomb to Ian’s chest. They placed a few grenades in his pocket for good measure.

  “Set it for three minutes and fourteen seconds from now,” Sara said.

  The impact of knowing exactly how much longer he had to live visibly affected Ian.

  Far before Val seemed alright with it, Ian stood ready.

  “When she comes, we should throw you,” Sara said. “If you don’t break your legs, I’m afraid you’ll run away.”

  Ian breathed heavily as the impact of all this grasped him. “If that’s best,” he replied softly.

  The noise of tree trunks being brutally knocked over filled their ears. Several of the queen’s minions burst from the stripped bayou towards the train. Sara looked towards the approaching queen and placed a hand on Ian. Together Ian, Andrea, and Sara moved towards the rear of the boxcar roof.

  “I’ll jump,” Ian said in a soft tone. “Just tell me when.”

  “You’re very noble,” Sara told him.

  The revolting body of the queen broke into the clearing around the train tracks.

  “Ian,” Sara said to get his attention. He turned to her and she slid her fingers underneath her blindfold and pulled it off slowly.

  He saw, in her eyes, the future. Bright. Beautiful. It seemed like the stars to him. The first steps of a journey most wonderful. He gasped, seized by wonder in a way he hadn’t been since a boy. There mingled among the stars he saw himself. A burning, passionate warrior clad in honor. He pressed his lips together into a deep smile and kept the rest to himself.