When the high school boys dropped in to visit, it was not for advice but just to flirt. I even had one student ask me out. As I looked at him in disbelief, he told me he would get a note from his mother. As it made me feel young at heart, this was the one time I felt it may be better to look the part of mom. Bryce always joked about the students having crushes on me and would start to sing that David Lee Roth song, “Hot for Teacher.” I would get all uptight because it just made me uncomfortable.
Throughout my obsession with music, movies, celebrities and American Idol, there was one time in the school year that allowed me to indulge in the roots of what I thoroughly enjoyed. In April, on the last day of Spirit Week, was the annual lip sync contest. Not only did I help the kids create an American Idol performance, but I also coordinated the faculty production two years in a row. The first year was a compilation of music through the decades. I not only got to play Madonna by performing “Material Girl,” but also made a cute Baby Spice performing “Wanna Be” with four other members of the faculty as, none other than, the Spice Girls.
The second year, I moved to movies. I played Foxy Cleopatra with Austin Powers, and Garth from Wayne’s World, singing “Bohemian Rhapsody.” The kids loved it both years. They love to see it when you actually take a step back from the role of teacher/counselor and reach them at a different level of craziness.
As the month of May grew closer, the finale of American Idol neared. I watched the last show and called in to place my vote like every other week. Unfortunately, I was not able to watch the final show live on results night.
Bryce and I had tickets to a Red Sox game on the same night. I remember having to tape it and would not let him listen to the radio on the way home because I did not want to know who won until I could go home and watch it. This, of course, was a tape that I should have burned rather than watched. This is because what I had waited all night to be excited about turned into total disappointment. I reacted to it with such anger as my husband laughed at me with disbelief. My anger then turned to tears. I had sworn I would never watch the show again, which obviously, I quickly got over.
I think that we all act as if it were we that lost a major competition when that dedicated to a particular artist. We act so ridiculously. I mean, really, it is not like anybody died or lost a limb or something, so is there any excuse for us to act like this at all? Probably not, but we do.
I had a hard time getting to work the morning after. This was because not only was I exhausted from being in Boston for a Sox game and then coming home to watch a two hour tape, but I was also royally pissed off.
I sat in my office that morning and I thought, “How crazy would it be for me to write a fan letter?” This is something that I had never done, and probably under most circumstances would never do. I always thought that writing a fan letter was silly. Do we really know where it is that they actually go? Does it ever really reach them? Do they really read it, if it does reach them? If it does reach them, do they really read it or does someone else read it for them, which to me would be a total waste of my time? I went online wondering, “What are the chances of the address being other than the Los Angeles one where all of the fans send their mail?” I thought that maybe because he is not that big yet, it would be possible that I could find another address where he would maybe actually receive it. Then, I found an address that looked like it might be worth a try, so I figured, “What the hell?” and began typing.
Dear Idol,
This is the first time that I have ever written a fan letter in my life. What are the odds of you personally reading this letter? I guess we will see since I am not even sure that I have the correct address.
I am twenty eight years old and a guidance counselor in a small town in Massachusetts. I live in Worcester and I am extremely excited about the show at the Worcester Centrum on July 25th, my birthday. It is probably the best birthday present I could ever have.
I will admit that I was disappointed in the results of American Idol, Season 2, but every time one of my students comes into my office angry about it, I need to explain to them that despite the number of votes, you were truly a winner and that you will be huge, or should I say, you already are. You definitely have the most outstanding voice that I have ever heard and I cannot wait until your CD is released.
Most importantly, unlike most crazed fans, I don’t know a whole lot about you, but after watching you from week to week, I know that you are a wonderful person on the inside and that is what really matters. I admire that you work with children to make a difference in their lives. You are naturally goodhearted and you seem to have a wonderful set of values. You are truly an inspiration and a positive influence to society. You are caring, sensitive and extremely classy and the definition of what a true idol is. You ARE “the whole package” and guys like you are one in a million.
Congratulations on your success and good luck in the future. Whatever you decide to do in life at this point, remember to follow your dreams and don’t let anyone bring you down. If I had only one wish, besides world peace and to hang out with you for a day, it would be to have met you before you were untouchable. Don’t ever let money and fame change the wonderful person you are.
After the letter was completed, I put it into an envelope with my school’s return address on it and thought, If he sees that it is coming from a school will it be more important? Would he come to perform here, at a school, where he has so many admirers, including myself? How cool would that be? Am I a dreamer or what? Who cares? The dream lives.
I mailed it that afternoon from the town post office the next street over. I even went as far as to joke with the postman about it being very important and as he looked at it he chuckled. I definitely joked with him as a cover because I was so embarrassed about what I was doing. I was a twenty-eight year old married woman sending a fan letter to a twenty-four year old who had no idea who I was and probably did not care. I did not even mention being married in the letter. Then, the waiting and waiting and more waiting began. Would I get a response?
I think the worst feeling in the world for a fan is the anticipation.
Finally, a time comes when all the hype wears down and you are faced with the big reality slap that it’s not going to happen. I wondered what I was thinking and if I was a complete idiot, or have I lost my mind? After getting my head out of the clouds and coming somewhat back down to Earth, I concluded that the letter had never reached him and someone else must have had a good laugh on me. At least, this is what I wanted to think.
Chapter 6
Life Goes On
It is July 25th, 2003, my twenty-ninth birthday, and “This is the Night!” I have never been so excited! We arrived at the Worcester
Centrum early so that we could get our programs and find our seats. Our seats were located center stage but they were pretty far back. We had a good view but you definitely needed binoculars to see detail. Luckily, I had borrowed some from my cousin, Marge. I was feeling a lot of anxiety from the anticipation and excitement. As the show began, they started off with the first idol to leave the show and worked their way up. I remember Bryce turning to me and saying, “You have a long wait.” In a way, it was good because I had something to anticipate. After the idols all had a chance to perform, they finished the show with a bunch of group performances.
I enjoyed the show, some parts more than others, and I did not want the night to end. Of course, at this point, there wasn’t any talk of any future touring so I knew that this may be the last of the excitement for me.
I remember after the show, our group of five, myself, Bryce, David and two of our friends, Jude and Sierra, going to Pub 99 for some buffalo wings and fries. We all had a great time.
As I went to bed that night with a smile on my face, I reflected on the show, about how it was the best birthday ever along with some other thoughts which are better left untold. Suddenly, I found myself being really depressed and sad. I couldn’t figure out if it was because a night I had so looked
forward to for so long had come and gone so fast or, even crazier, if I was disappointed about some unrealistic dream I had about him possibly acknowledging my birthday, which of course he didn’t. I had this deranged expectation of him getting my letter and knowing that I was going to be there on my birthday.
The fact that he receives hundreds of letters a day had no effect on my hope that this was not in a million years going to happen. Actually, it did, but that is not something that any fan wants to accept. I did have something to look forward to, a CD that would be released in October.
Come October, I was counting down the days. I remember the day really well. I was about eight weeks pregnant. I had actually called in sick to work the day of the release so that I could be the first one into Best Buy at ten o’clock a.m. to get the CD. I remember not feeling so good when I got there, so I went into the store and purchased the CD as quickly as I could and rushed back to the car. As I got into the driver’s seat, excited to take it out of the wrapper, I noticed there was a huge crack in the front of the CD. I must not have noticed it due to the fact that I was not feeling that great and was trying to get in and out of there in a hurry. I was so pissed off and sat for a minute, questioning whether I should go back and exchange it. In most circumstances, I think I would have lived with the crack, but not this time.
I ran back into the store and got a new one and then rushed back into the car, anxious to hear it. Not feeling well at all, I had to struggle with the wrapper. This is the packaging we all hate when we buy a new CD because it is going to take at least ten minutes to open it.
I was able to listen to some of it on the way home and when I got home, I had my first bout of morning sickness. I kept wondering if God was punishing me for calling in sick to work or if my unborn child did not have the same taste in music as his mother. Come to think of it, I think it was one of the only CDs I listened to throughout my pregnancy and I puked for seven months straight.
At this time, there was talk of my idol touring with first season winner, Kelly Clarkson. I purchased two tickets and on March 8th found myself back at the Worcester Centrum, this time with my mom.
I was feeling alright and hoping that my baby would cooperate, which he did. Maybe he had a change of heart. It is said that if a baby hears music in the womb that they recognize it after birth. I do think that he must have because up until this day, he either falls asleep to it every time we take a ride in the car or asks to hear it as he bee bops in the back seat with most of the words memorized.
Again, the show was great. I remember getting this rush when he came on stage through an entrance right through the middle of his fans. I thought it was awesome and quite brave. This time he was the first to perform. The entire time Kelly was performing, all I could think about was whether or not he was coming back. If I could have answered that question with a no, I think I may have gone home.
My mom and I did stay for the remainder of the show. At home, I was excited because I had bought my first t-shirt and couldn’t wait to wear it. This time, I was only depressed because I bought my t-shirt in my actual size, an extra small, and I was not by any means tiny. I hoped for another show in the future, which of course, happened.
On August 3, 2004, Bryce drove us to the Ryan Center at the University of Rhode Island. We had no clue where we were going, but it was the closest show to us. We had directions from Jude and Sierra because they had family that owns a summer home nearby.
We ended up getting there an hour early. We had not eaten and did not know the area. With a lot of time to spare, we waited outside amongst the other fans. This is when I really started to take notice of all the different types of fans that were out there.
As I looked around, there were teenage fans running around everywhere. I remember one girl being so out of control it was like entertainment for all of us. There were two girls that caught my eye that were wearing homemade t-shirts that said ‘Mrs. ____.’ I thought to myself, You’ve got to be kidding me. I then wondered if that was something that I may have done as a teenager. Well, maybe it’s not so crazy. After all, the way that Hollywood and life works today, a ten to twenty year age difference is quite normal. I also began to think, hell, even at an older age, married or single, we actually think quite often of the possibility that our admired idols could somehow be our boyfriends. We at times refer to them as our boyfriends, so who are we kidding here?
There were guys and girls and women and men of all ages, sizes and shapes. It was very interesting what a wide range of fans were actually there. I noticed two people who were directly involved with the artist in the crowd which was very unusual, but I thought it was quite nice. One of them was one of his background singers and he was signing autographs.
The other was his bodyguard, out in the open, listening to people sing and picking out who he thought was best to perform on stage. Even though I had been dying to get the chance to get close to my idol and to fulfill my dream of singing on stage, I do not think that I could handle a situation like that. It is hard to actually know what exactly your reaction would be when it came right down to it and there you are, standing right next to someone you have all of these unexplained crazy feelings for and then being expected to sing, and in front of thousands of people. That is something that I could never do. Even though back in the day I was a “ham for the cam,” I found that I had somewhere along the way become very camera shy and developed stage fright. I sometimes like to blame it on the cheerleading incident, my first real form of rejection that I never really overcame.
As soon as we got inside, Bryce got something for us to eat while I waited in the souvenir line. It was my goal to get a good poster or picture because other than being at a show, pictures seemed very hard to come by.
I actually had bid on a picture three times on eBay and don’t remember how much I spent on it because at the time I didn’t care. I also brought my own digital camera thinking I could take some of my own pictures.
We found our seats and they were probably the best seats that I had ever had at a concert. It was the best show yet, my third concert, but the first where the stage was all his. The opening act was Cherie, who I had never heard of but I thought to be quite good. I did end up buying her CD. I also envied her to be touring with my idol and thought that if I were in her shoes I would be all over that.
It was at this concert that I found out that he had started a new foundation created to help children with disabilities. Well, now, how did I know that he would do that? It was just another thing that made me admire him a little more, which I did not think was possible.
I took pictures during most of the show. He changed his outfit several times. He started with the basic blue button down with a tie and jeans. During the middle of the show, he had a striped coat with a white t-shirt and jeans. At some point toward the end of the show, he was actually sporting a full white suit. The picture taking in some respects was good and bad. Good, because I got some great shots but bad because I felt that I did not enjoy the show to its fullest because I was so focused on getting good pictures. Therefore, the show seemed to end so fast.
On the way home, I still had adrenaline rushing through my veins. I crawled into bed, still excited, but I started to feel depressed again. At this point in his career, I knew that there was going to be another show so I was not sure from where the sadness was coming. It lasted for about a week and then all was fine again. I never thought back on it other than to stare at my program every once and a while and to look forward to another show.
I was excited to find out about a Christmas album that would be released. Naturally, I bought it the day it hit the store shelves and listened to it throughout the holidays. I really enjoyed this CD because I really love Christmas music. I was sad to have to stop listening to it come January. It could have been Christmas all year.
I bought two tickets for the Christmas concert for December 3, 2004, at the Providence Performing Arts Center. In November, Bryce blew out his knee playing football with
the guys. He had his surgery at the end of November with the concert about two weeks away.
I called the Performing Arts Center to let them know that he was temporarily handicapped and to see if they could make any accommodations for us. I was excited to find out that they would give us handicapped seating and that we could still go.
That night, I drove to the Providence Performing Arts Center. This was quite the experience because anybody who knows me also knows that my biggest fear is driving on big highways or unfamiliar roads. I have this terrible anxiety about getting lost or somehow ending up going the wrong way on a huge highway. There have been times when Bryce has said to me, “What do you think is going to happen? Do you think that the road is just going to end and you are going to fall off into thin air?” I never answer that question because I know if I say yes, I will get laughed at. I have actually seen movies like that where there is a chase and the road just ends and I start screaming because it scares the crap out of me, worse than a horror movie. Anyway, despite being nervous, I was determined to get to the show.
As I drove down route 146, palms sweating, I was doing fine until we ran into route 95, a five lane highway with a butt load of cars. I thought I was going to get the two of us killed but luckily God was with me because it was the first exit, after merging into the madness, we needed to take.
When we got there, we found parking and Bryce crutched his way to the theater. The ushers were kind enough to meet us at the door and wheel him into our seats, which were in the very front of the theater. These seats were even better than the last show. This was one of the only benefits to my husband’s unfortunate situation.
Reaching Out to the Stars Page 4