White Lines

by Ashley Rose

  As if on cue, Jason appears in the doorway. And I wouldn't believe who was standing next to him if someone promised me a million dollars that he would be here.

  What the hell is going on?

  "Oh God," I hear Aimee breathe, her words barely audible, but I say it for her not a moment later, just as shocked as anyone.

  "Oh God..." I can't tear my eyes away from him. He looks bad. Really fucking bad.

  I sigh reluctantly, my face almost twisted in a painful expression as I finally eye my parents and sister cautiously, all of whom are seething at Lex, and I turn to see his focus dropped to the floor, and I almost can't blame him.

  "Excuse me." I push myself up from my seat and I don't say another word, I just grab his wrist and drag him down the hall to my room. "Why are you here?" I whisper harshly once we are through the door and part of me wants to grab him and shake him in frustration, but a bigger part of me wants him to hold me. This is all so sudden. I just...I can't believe he's here. I don't think it's hit me yet.

  He sighs pathetically, face pained, and I can tell just from his tone that these past two months haven't been wine and roses for him. "It's Christmas," he pleads.

  "Lex," I sigh in disbelief, shaking my head.

  "Jesus fucking Christ, Leala. Do you not want me here?" he asks, the hurt in his voice so pronounced even though I know he doesn't mean for it to be there. His emotion is just so raw he can't hide it no matter how good he has always been at veiling his true feelings. Eventually everyone has their breaking point and it scares me to think that these past two months have led him to his.

  "My family is here!" I scoff, slinging my hand out toward the door in an empty gesture

  He scowls and his posture stiffens just like it always did when we were about to fight. "Well, if you'll fucking remember back to before all of this shit, I don't have a family," he growls and I shrink back. All this time and we still can't keep from fighting when we're around each other.

  "Yes you do, Lex." I groan and he pauses for a moment before his face falls and his posture slumps again. His eyes focus on the floor as he shifts his weight uncomfortably, shoving his hands deep into his pockets.

  "Shit, maybe I just wanted to see you, okay? Fuck," he mutters lowly, and his voice is so sad and desperate and his eyes are empty as they meet mine again and he's just defeated, exhausted. "It's been two fucking months."

  That look in his eyes steals the air from my lungs and my heart aches because I know he has to be so, so lonely. Just like I've felt some nights, missing him so much I cry myself to sleep more than I'd be willing to admit. Lonely enough to just show up here, to swallow his pride and just come see me on a whim. God, he looks so broken. I hear it in his voice and when he hangs his head again I step closer to him, putting my hands on his waist and I soften my voice.

  "Okay...okay. I'm sorry."

  He looks back into my eyes and I feel closer to him than I ever have despite the fact that we've been away from each other for all this time. How is that possible? I guess my heart has just been yearning, longing for him for so long that now when he's here, right in front of me, I'm completely full inside, that void is filled. And I wonder if he feels the same way.

  "Hey, that's mine." His voice breaks my thoughts and I follow his eyes over my shoulder and smile when I catch a glimpse of his sweatshirt on my bed before turning my gaze back onto him.

  "Yeah, I, uh...sleep in it. Only sometimes though," I confess softly, blushing a little and he smiles warmly at me, a look of relief washing over his features. I feel his body relax as he sighs away the tension and we're back to just me and him again.

  "Well what if I want it back?" he teases, pulling his hands from his pockets and placing them gently on my hips, tugging me toward him more and I feel warmth radiate between us, both of us still too nervous and unsure to press our bodies together fully.

  "Don't be an ass." I giggle and push against him playfully and he smiles at me. That smile that I love. That smile that can make time stand still, like it's the first time he's seen sun after a decade of winters. God, I missed this.

  "I, uh...I got you this." One hand leaves my hip and plunges into his pocket again, fishing out something small and concealed in his palm before he opens his fingers and presents it. A Christmas ornament. A small purple and blue butterfly attached to a gold string.

  "Aww, it's cute," I almost squeal in adoration as I take it from his hand giddily, cradling it gently in my own as if it were real.

  "Shut up," he mutters and rolls his eyes with a sigh, his cheeks pinkening at my reaction, but he can't mask the grin that spreads across his lips.

  "No, really. I like it." I study the ornament, turning it over in my hands, beaming with excitement.

  "It just made me think of you," he says softly and I look up into his eyes adoringly, but he shifts quickly noticing the jolt of raw emotion that strikes between us. "You know, 'cause of your tattoo and shit," he grumbles, tapping against my right hip with his finger, where indeed a small butterfly tattoo is hidden beneath my jeans. His posture stiffens a little and I can't help but smirk, amused at how flustered he is. "And just...I know this whole thing is all kinda about...transformation and shit," he stutters, clearing his throat and hardening his voice as he adds the last part.

  I giggle, knowing he always has to come across like such a hardass, even though he can't deny that if anyone knows he's a big softie on the inside, it's me. "Thanks, Lex. Well, now I feel bad I didn't get you anything."

  "Nah, it's cool."

  "No, you need something."

  "I can take my sweatshirt back," he grins, and I swat his chest playfully.

  "You're not getting it back. Get over it," I answer defiantly and he chuckles as I glance around the room quickly, thinking. "Wait. Here..." I offer suddenly, crossing the room excitedly to the table beside my bed, laying down the gift he brought as I take the thin paper cut-out between my fingers before extending it out to him. "It's supposed to go on our community tree, but no one will know."

  "An angel?" He takes it from me, letting it rest flatly against his hand, barely large enough to cover the expanse of his palm.

  "Yeah, everyone made one, but you can have mine. You might need someone to watch over you once in a while." I grin warmly at him.

  "Is that supposed to be you or some shit?" He smiles as he turns it over in his hands, noticing the yellow coloring of her hair and the green dots for her eyes.

  "Shut up," I mutter, my cheeks flushing a bit.

  He holds it up next to my face, seeming to study it before he smirks playfully. "Well, I mean, it does kinda look like you."

  "Shut up, okay? It's just a stupid paper ornament!" I insist, exasperated, but I can't hide my giddy grin at the thought of our innocent gift exchange.

  "I'm just fucking with you," he chuckles as he reaches into his back pocket before replying sincerely. "Thank you though." He opens his wallet and gently places the paper angel inside, returning it to his pocket.

  "Merry Christmas, Lex." I shrug, smiling shyly.

  "Merry Christmas, baby." He sighs and I melt when he says it. God, he's really here.

  I reach for him but I'm nervous, and so is he as our arms reach out in the same path. We chuckle awkwardly as we try to reposition ourselves a few times until we finally pull each other close, my arms around his broad shoulders and his around my waist. It's a friendly hug, a firm embrace, but as I start to slightly pull back from him, his arms tighten around me, one hand slipping up around my ribcage while the other slides down around my hips, fully encircling me, and I hear him—God, I hear him—and I feel him breathe me in so deep as he tilts his face into my neck, letting out a shaky sigh. I feel bad, but I can't help but stiffen a little because he's never ever done this before. Never held me so close like he doesn't want to let go, and I just...ugh, my heart just breaks.

  I clutch him. I wrap my arms back around his shoulders so tight, squeezing my eyes shut to keep my tears at bay as my fingertips dig into his back
. I nuzzle his neck, trembling inside and panting as I try not to cry despite the fact that I've never ever felt this much emotion with him, wrapped in his arms, feeling his chest expand as he breathes me in, and what if...

  What if he needs me just as much as I need him? What if that's why he's here? Is that this feeling swimming around us? Because this is more than a friendly hug of gratitude for some stupid Christmas ornaments. No, this is...it's a moment. A moment of something. Weakness? Need? Want? Maybe it's all of that. But whatever it is, it steals my breath and makes my heart pound, and as much as I've tried to convince myself since I've been here that what we have isn't special and worth fighting for, I just don't know if I could ever feel this way with anyone else. I know I couldn't.

  My arms slide from around his shoulders and rest curled in between us as I take his face in my hands, lifting it from my neck, but he doesn't let me go. He grips me tight and presses his forehead to mine, eyes closed, and I just hold his face as wetness steals down my cheeks against my will. And I don't want him to think I'm weak and sensitive but he could never understand what it would mean to me for him to need me the same way that I need him.

  He finally pulls his face back and opens his eyes, smiling weakly when my tear-filled eyes stare back into this own and he sighs again, shaking his head at me. And I still don't know what it is about this moment, but it's absolutely perfect, and I want to tell him. I want to tell him so many things right now, looking into his eyes, because when he looks at me like that...so lost and uncertain yet whole and completed at the same time...when he looks at me like that, I think he needs to hear me tell him. Tell him that I'm here and tell him that no matter who else he thinks he's lost, his parents, his brother, his friends, that he hasn't lost me. That I'm his and I always will be.

  I sniffle a little as he brings one warm hand up to wipe my face, the other still holding me tight. I slip my arms back around his shoulders and rest my forehead against his again, whispering his name, breathing his breaths, brushing his nose affectionately with mine, relishing the comfort of being close to him if only for this moment. Because who knows what we'll have after this is gone, once I'm out of here. I'm scared to think that this could be one of our last moments together until he changes his life, because I know we can't go back to the way things were. This is when all of that "situation" stuff starts to matter. I can't get sucked back into his world. I've come too far. I have to protect myself now.

  "Leala."

  We jump apart at the sound of my sister's voice.

  "Will you come back in here?"

  "Can you just give me a minute?" I sigh, pushing my hair behind my ear nervously.

  "No, not with him." Her words bite into the room, her eyes staring at me coldly before turning to Lex. "What are you doing here, Lex?"

  "Stop," I scold her before he can respond, but she continues, eyes fixing on me again.

  "Leala, don't tell me you called him to come here today."

  "No, she didn't." It's Lex who interjects this time, and she scoffs at him.

  "Exactly. She didn't call because she doesn't want you here. She doesn't need you anymore, Lex."

  "Shut up, Aimee!" I shout, tears welling in my eyes, and I know this is going to be a bitter battle. Not just today but maybe forever.

  "Don't you think you've done enough?" She narrows her eyes at him scathingly.

  He turns to her, steeling himself. "You know, you're not the only one who misses her. You're not the only one who doesn't have her anymore."

  "No, we haven't had her for a long time. Because of you," she retorts, and he sets his jaw, eyes blazing with rage.

  "I miss her too. She's all I fucking have!" he shouts, and I'm crying now, hanging my head as the tears slip down silently. This is a fucking nightmare.

  "Yeah I'm sure you miss her. Miss her business...miss her making your life a little easier by doing anything and everything you ask...maybe miss a little sex now and then. Well, those days are over."

  "Aimee, stop it!" I wail as I hug my arms around my body, and Lex turns to put a hand on my back to comfort me, but then she says it.

  "And maybe you would have your own family if you weren't such a complete fuck up."

  Silence.

  He freezes, breath stealing from his lungs at her words because she has no idea, no fucking idea why he doesn't have a family anymore, why he left. My head snaps up to hers, tears stopping for a moment as my wide eyes meet her own in complete shock. The trepidation in her face tells me that she knows she made a mistake, but the words have already been said.

  He doesn't utter another word, simply storms out of the room in fury.

  "Lex! Don't!" I reach for him, grabbing at his arm but he rips it out of my grasp, gone in a flash, and my tears take over me once again. He can't fucking leave.

  I move quickly to follow him out of the room, but Aimee steps in front of me, seizing my shoulders and shaking me in frustration.

  "Stop it, Leala! Stop being ridiculous," she growls in my face, but I can't even respond, my body wrenching with sobs as I rip away from her and rush down the hall, hoping to catch him.

  He's almost to the gate when I catch up to him outside, the freezing air shocking my lungs and making me shiver almost instantly as I realize I ran outside without a jacket. I feel cold, but I don't mind it. And if I wrapped up against the cold, I wouldn't feel other things, like the bright tingle of the sun, or best of all the silky feeling of the wind on my skin. It's worth being cold for that.

  "Lex, stop! Lex!" I shout, my voice stinging in my frozen throat and he finally stops, spinning around abruptly and I almost run smack into him. He runs a hand through his hair, breathing a shaky sigh and I see the tears brimming in his eyes.

  "I...I can't do this. I can't do this anymore." His arms fall to his sides in defeat.

  "Lex." I reach out for him, but he steps back, shaking his head.

  "No. It's too hard. This...us...I don't know how this is going to work, Leala." The words are shaky and strangled in his throat and I'm shocked to my core as I see that he's really about to cry.

  I can't breathe. He can't be saying what I think he's saying. No, everything has to be okay. We have to be okay.

  "What do you mean how it's going to work? It's us Lex, just me and you, forget about everything else," I beg, fisting the front of his shirt, and his hands smooth up my arms, warm against my cold skin before finally gripping my upper arms.

  "Everything else? Like the fact that you're clean, and I'm not, and your family hates me. Leala, that's the important shit. We...we live in two completely different worlds now. I just...I don't know," he struggles, gripping my arms tighter and I just want to fucking break down.

  I want to sob, but I can't because I'm so confused and I don't know where any of this is coming from. Did he come here to tell me this? He couldn't have. I thought that when I saw the hurt and loneliness in his eyes that he was crying out to me. I thought he needed me. Why would he come here to end this? I know the fight with Aimee was rough, but doesn't he know? Doesn't he know that I don't care about any of that, about anything but him? Because I love him. I love him and I need him in my life, and I don't care what worlds we come from, I never did, I just know that when we're together everything else goes away.

  I know I have to tell him. I have to tell him how I feel because he'll stay if I do. I know those three words will make him stay.

  "You know I don't care about that shit, Lex. I never have. It's just you...you're what I want. I don't want your world. Please...please don't do this. I need you. Lex, I—"

  "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything, Leala. I just...I can't keep doing this. I can't keep hurting you," he cuts me off, stepping away once again because the longer I talk, the more I say, it will surely melt his resolve. And we look at each other for a long second and I want to tell him. I need to tell him.

  But he turns away. He turns his back and walks away, leaving me standing there, hurting me more than ever, even though he said he didn't want
to.

  And I should've told him.

  31

  Three days later, there's a knock at Lex's door. He's in the stash room counting a roll of bills, so Remy answers, eyes widening a little as he looks into the boy's face, shocked at his youthful appearance. He looks no older than sixteen but junkies are getting younger and younger these days.

  "I-I'm looking for Lex," the boy stutters, his voice confirming his youth.

  "Yo, Lex. You got a customer, man," Remy shouts over his shoulder and then stands clear of the doorway so the teenager can pass by him, entering the house.

  Lex ambles slowly out of the back room, his gaze fixed down on his hands and the stack of cash, slipping the bills loosely between his fingers as he counts them.

  "Sup? What do you need? I got some green, but I mostly run white around here, so if that's what you're interested in..." he trails off as he looks up. He stares for a long second at the boy and it doesn't hit him at first. Until he realizes that the steel blue eyes he's looking into are a younger version of his own.

  Damon.

  "Hey..." Damon shuffles his feet nervously, plunging his hands into his pockets.

  "Holy fucking shit," Lex whispers, releasing the breath that he didn't realize he was holding, almost dropping all of the cash in his hand, completely forgetting how much he just counted. They stare at each other, completely astounded.

  Damon finally speaks up. "Um, I'm sorry I just showed up...I don't even know—"

  "You need to go home. Fuck, I need to take you home right now," Lex cuts him off in a panic and paces across the room to retrieve the keys to his truck.

  "No. Please! Don't," Damon shouts, begging, and Lex freezes, turning slowly to face him again, peering at him questioningly.

  "Where do your parents think you are right now?"

  "They're your parents too."

  "Woah! Wait a minute! Parents? You're Lex's brother?! Holy fucking shit, dude. Come sit down, take a hit man. Relax! This is fucking awesome!" Bruce suddenly throws an arm around Damon and attempts to pull him down onto the couch but Lex grabs Bruce by the shirt, pushing him against the wall.