by Lynne Chitty
EDITH
“What do you mean he’s dead. Edith exclaimed. “He can’t be he’s coming home to tell me something. In fact I’ve been worrying about it all day. I think he might have got a girl pregnant.” The vicar who she now remembered was called David Barnes was in his fifties` and had been parish priest in Wellington for the past six years. He knew the familys history and had called to see her every quarter. In between one of his pastoral visitors had popped in. He had brought her communion in the early days. She hadn’t wanted to receive the host after the first Christmas. She knew she didn’t deserve it. He had tried to reassure her but in the end they had just talked and he had given her a blessing. She was more comfortable with that.
He took her hand.
“I know its a lot to take in Edith he had said .But Marcus isn’t coming back. He’s dead. It’s a terrible shock I know. He was hit by a car. He didn’t suffer. He wouldn’t have known anything about it.” She saw the vicar flinch. That was a lie she thought, He might be a man of God but he couldn’t know if that was true could he? She wondered if Marcus had seen the car out of the corner of his eye and known it was going to hit him. Had there been time for terror? For a calling out? Had his life passed before him? Or had he literally been alive thinking one thing one second and dead the next.
“Where is he now then?” she asked trying to hold on to the thought that he might still be alive . She remembered the vicar being there last night but thought it had been a dream. Didn’t the police come too?
“He’s in the hospital.” the vicar said gently
“Elizas on her way. So you are not to worry. She will sort everything out. The police will be back later. They will need to ask you a few questions. The carer is downstairs too. She’s making you a hot drink.” Was it her imagination or was he speaking to her as though she was a three year old? Bewilderment was making breathing difficult and it seemed so hot in the room.
You mean he was killed outside his old school? Thank God the children had long since gone home. The sight of a broken body was more than anyone should have to see let alone a child.
Apparently the vicar told her the police were still taking statements and trying to piece together what had happened. All the witnesses had said that it had happened so quickly and all they really remembered was the sound of his body hitting the car. She wondered if anyone had held his hand as he died. He was so many things but she couldn’t bear the thought of him dying like some magpie or rabbit that was just left on the side of the road for everyone to stare at.
NINETEEN
ELIZA
They had done their best at the morgue to make the experience as least distressing as possible but still she felt sick. It had been nearly midday by the time she had arrived and the attendant along with a lovely police woman, Ruth had said she could view the body from behind a glass screen. Ruth explained that he had taken the full force of the impact on his upper body so they wouldn’t show her his whole face just the one side that wasn’t so badly damaged.
“Are you ready?”
Eliza took a deep breath, then closed her eyes as tight as she could for what seemed an age. They didn’t rush her and when she opened her eyes she looked up quickly and as quickly looked away again. She knew it was him. She found her throat was so tight that she couldn’t speak. Her tongue was trapped somewhere in her mouth and her whole face ached as if in sympathy with the face before her. It was the face of the boy she had helped bring up. It was the face of the man who had raped her. It was Marcus.
She nodded and as the attendant covered Marcus up again. Ruth genty took her by the elbow and guided her back out in to the fresh air. They stood side by side until eventually Ruth spoke.
“I won’t ask if you are alright, but is there anything I can do?” Eliza had temporarily forgotten the woman was there and was confused for a moment. She tried to organise the nothingness that had swamped her head. Her whole body felt numb and she could barely focus her eyes on the officer.
“Take as long as you need and I’ll be back in a moment” Ruth disappeared back into the building and true to her word was back alongside Eliza before she had barely even registered that she had gone.
She was carrying two polystyrene cups. “I don’t know what you usually drink but I got you a tea with two sugars. Here hold it. You look frozen.”
Eliza took hold of the cup and its warmth gradually seeped through her hands into her body and she began to think again.
“Could you order a taxi for me to Wellington.” Eliza eventually managed to say.
“No need” said Ruth “I’ll take you myself. It’s only twenty minutes and I have to report back anyway.”
She looked at Eliza and said softly
“I know what happened. I think you are very brave coming here.”
Such genuine kindness always broke Eliza.
“I don’t know how I am supposed to feel.” she said desperate to feel something. Anything would be better than the paralysis that had taken hold of her body.
“Feelings will come later. Don’t try too hard and don’t fight whatever comes when it does hit you.”
“I thought I would feel a massive sense of relief. Although I have never said it, there have been times when I wished him gone. Not dead just gone.Now he is I just don’t know what to do” She was like a child needing the reassurance of a parent.
She sipped her tea. “I must get to mum though. She will be in a terrible state. She isn’t well.”
“I know” said Ruth. “She will be pleased to see you. The doctor gave her a sedative last night so she might still be a bit groggy. She kept telling the vicar that Marcus couldn’t be dead because he was on his way to tell her something important. Poor woman has been through enough. You both have without this. “
Eliza sat in the back of the police car and Ruth left her to her thoughts. She tried to look out of the window to get her bearings back. Everything was a blur though. People going to work, going shopping. A day like any other day. Funny how the world just kept on turning, time just kept on passing. Whatever was happening in peoples lives there was a bigger picture, a greater canvas and that never seemed to notice if anyone was missing or hurting. She was hurting, but not for Marcus she didn’t think. Or was she? Was she grieving for the little boy who had been so proud when she had given him his first pet rabbit? I’ve called him Arthur he had said. His father had sneered but she and Mum had told him what a wonderful strong name it was. Later he had been even more excited when Fred Rimmer the old chap down the road had told him that Arthur meant ‘high ground’ He told everyone who would listen about his new knowledge and his new best friend.
Or was it that she couldn’t let herself be glad he was dead? Was she suppressing her real feelings? Was she glad? She didn’t know. Except she did. Of course she was glad he was dead. Or was she? She would have been on the train when it happened.Whereabouts she wondered? Leeds? Derby? Birmingham? She closed her eyes again and it seemed like an instant when Ruth pulled up outside the house.
“Would you like me to come in with you?” she asked.
“No” Eliza whispered. “It’s alright.”
Ruth told her the carer had stayed on. “She assured us she would wait until you arrived. Good of her.”
“Everyone has been good. Thank you.” Eliza said without feeling. Her words were coming out on their own and she could only watch as though it were all happening to somebody else.
“I’ll be back in touch when we have some more news the police woman continued. “For now do the simple things like eat and drink and try to get some sleep when you can.”
EDITH
Edth had had the strangest dream . She had dreamt that Marcus was dead. He wasn’t of course but it had disturbed her. She had woken with a terrible headache and nothing seemed quite in focus or real. Lara with her bright red head hair knocked and came in. Eliza’s on her way. She will be here any minute.
Eliza? For a moment Edith had to wrack her brain to think who Eliza
was. Then in horror as understanding crept back into the place it had previously vacated. She screamed NO she mustn’t come. Marcus is here. Tell her she mustn’t come.
Lara was out of her depth but as she struggled for words she heard the front door open and all but flew downstairs.
TWENTY
ELIZA
“Hi” she said “I’m Lara.You must be Eliza”
“Yes” Eliza said and held out her hand for Lara to shake. “Thank you so much for staying on. I will make sure you are reimbursed for your time.” “It’s no problem the young carer said “Your mum is a bit confused though. She hasn’t really understood that Marcus is dead. It’s all been a shock. “
“I’ll go up and see her? Can you do extra hours Thursday and Friday too? Yes sure my mobile number is in the kitchen by the fridge. Just let me know when you need me”. Eliza smiled gratefully at the girl and turned towards the stairs.
With each step the feeling of nausea and dread increased until she had to hold on to the bannister rail to steady herself. Deep breaths she said to herself and knocked on the door.
It had only been three months since Mothers Day when Eliza had last seen her mother. The change in her though was shocking. Her face was grey and etched with new lines. Her eyes were filled with fear and she seemed to have shrunk. All of a sudden, the bed looked far too big for her
“Hi Mum its me” Eliza said and went over to kiss Edith on her forehead. “Eliza you must go” Edith warned her. “Marcus is here”. Eliza pulled up the chair closer to the bed and took her mothers papery thin hand. “Mum. Marcus is dead. He was involved in an accident yesterday. A car hit him. He’s gone. I’m sorry Mum but he’s gone.” Edith stared at Eliza for a moment and then dropped her chin on her chest. A wail escaped from somewhere so deep inside her that it sounded as if it must have ripped out blood and muscle as it had escaped from her mouth. She didn’t cry but rocked herself back and forwards. Eliza sat transfixed. The hideous noise had chilled her to the bone. Was it grief? Anger? Relief?
Gradually her mother stopped her rocking motion and said simply “Are you here to stay?”
“I’ll stay tonight. Then I have to go back to Gloucester. I’ve spoken to my boss and he has asked if I could work Thursday, Friday and Saturday morning. Then I can take the whole of next week off. It will give him time to get some cover. I’ll make us a sandwich and then while you have a rest I will pop and see the vicar to arrange things. There will need to be an inquest but we should be able to hold a service next week hopefully. Is that ok with you?”
“A service ?” Edith was puzzled again. “Yes of course. We will need to have a funeral won’t we. That’s what you do when people die isn’t it?” Edith paused then asked quietly
“Is he really dead?” “He is mum I’m sorry. . “I’m sorry too” Edith said. “Sorry for everything.” “Now don’t go blaming yourself.” The words came out a bit more sternly than she had meant. “You did everything you could for him and for me. So why don’t you just rest your eyes for a minute while I pop down to the kitchen.”
After lunch Eliza left her mother dozing and went into town to meet with the vicar who she brought back with her to see Edith again. While he sat with her Eliza went into her old room to see about some bedding for the night.
EDITH
“Will Marcus be in hell now?” Edith asked Father David as he suggested she call him.
“I don’t know I honestly don’t.”
“What’s your best guess then” Edith said angrily. What was the point of a vicar who didn’t know anything about heaven and hell?
“My best guess is that God is merciful and sees into the very depths of the human heart drawing out the best that is there. Marcus did something terrible, but my hope, my belief is that forgiveness is always available even at the last moment.”
Edith more frustrated than ever ranted that Marcus wouldn’t have had time in his last moment would he? He didn’t know the car was going to hit him. He didn’t know it was his now or never moment to talk to God.
She could see that the vicar was struggling trying to pry out both for himself and Edith words that might offer some hope without being airy fairy. “We don’t know what happens at the point of death” the troubled vicar went on. “We so want absolutes at times like this. We just don’t have them We have Jesus’ promises in Johns Gospel that there are many rooms in his Fathers house. We have his conversation with the dying thief who he promises will be welcomed into the Kingdom. We have to trust Edith or else we end up putting ourselves through a kind of hell. As hard as it is. You have to let go of Marcus. You can do that despairing because of the things he did. Or you can do trusting that God is able even in death maybe to transform people and draw out the best of all they were or could have been. Gods love is so much greater than ours. I know it must seem unfair to victims even offensive to them maybe, I have to believe though that every man and every woman has one last chance to choose life. To face up to the consequences of their actions and to embrace forgiveness. “
His words hadn’t really satisfied Edith and she wondered if they had really satisfied him He was sincere she could see that and had been ordained for twenty three years Yet every year that went by he said he seemed to understand less and less. His faith held strong but he had fewer and fewer answers to the questions of Why? That were tossed at him. He didn’t know why the innocent suffered. He never had and in this life, his one certainty was that he never would and would have to live with the tension of faith and mystery. Edith wanted answers but she could see she wasn’t going to get them so she went quiet.
“We can sit down next week with your daughter and talk about what music you would like for Marcus the vicar had gone on and which reading. We will pray for Marcus at the service. All of us together. “
Edith tried not to close her eyes which felt heavier and heavier. It wouldn’t be much of a service would it? Only her and Eliza would be there. In truth she wasn’t sure if she would be able to manage it. Eliza had felt she should try though. That she would always regret it if she didn’t go.
David said he was hoping they could arrange it for the following Friday early afternoon. He would take them in his car. There was room for the wheelchair in the boot. He would bring them straight back and go on to Evensong. Taunton crematorium was less than twenty five minutes away from Wellington. They would be there and back in under two hours. Lara the young carer had told him that she would go to the service to show support . There would also be a police presence just in case the driver of the first car that had hit Marcus who still hadn’t come forward went along to the service out of guilt. Apparently,it happened like that sometimes
He sat and read the twenty third psalm to Edith as she dozed. How many souls had those words soothed over the centuries. She reminded him a bit of his own mother who had died a little under two years ago. So many fears. So many questions. So much anguish. He flicked through the pages of his well worn Bible until he came to the passion story and read again Jesus heartfelt cry from the cross ‘Eloi Eloi, lama sabachthani. My God My God why have you forsaken me?
It was Good Friday in this house. He closed his Bible and prayed with all his heart for a glimpse of Easter Morning for them too. For a rolling away of the stone from the tomb that these two women had spent most of the last eight years in.
TWENTY-ONE
ELIZA
Eliza had heard Father David reading the passion story and praying but must have dozed for over an hour. When she got up and checked on Edith, she was still asleep. The police were coming later to have a look in Marcus’ room. They didn’t think he had been mown down deliberately but with his history and some of the less than legal deals he had been involved in, they wanted to go through his papers just in case he had received any threatening letters. Or if they was any evidence that he owed some serious money. They may have just meant to put the frighteners on and it had gone wrong. Until the driver of the car came forward if they ever did, they wanted to cover every p
ossibility. Ruth was one of the police officers who came along with a younger blond constable. They were only in his room for about twenty minutes and after a cursory look in the garage where they found only his bike and painting and decorating supplies and equipment, they left, but not before Ruth had asked how Edith was bearing up and if she had managed to to eat. “Do you know any more about what happened?” Eliza asked her.
“I’m afraid not. Very confused accounts from the people at the scene. They can’t even agree on the colour of the car that hit him. Though it was definitely dark and long. So we are probably looking for an estate. We are checking all the local garages but it all takes time. I’m sorry I know it’s hard when you have so many questions going round in your head. I’m just off to see the lady who was driving the second car again. I think I mentioned that the force of the impact with the first vehicle threw Marcus into the path of a car coming the other way. The driver had not long passed her test and is completely distraught. We have tried to tell her that Marcus was almost certainly dead before she hit him. In her mind though she has killed a man. She wanted to come round and tell you how sorry she was but I persuaded her against that.” “Oh thank you,” Eliza said relieved. “Mum wouldn’t cope with that and neither would I. I have hardly got enough energy to deal with my own emotions. Or lack of them. I don’t need anyone else’s pain. I’m sorry if that sounds selfish.” “It sounds real,” Ruth said. “And you don’t need to apologise.” Eliza thought for a moment. “Maybe I could write a letter sometime just reassuring her that we don’t in any way blame her.”