by Lynne Chitty
“That would be an amazingly generous thing to do and I will try to reassure her on your behalf.” Ruth said.
“How do you cope with eveyones stuff? You had me at the morgue. You’ve come here, now you are going to see someone else who is in a terrible place. How do you stay sane?”
Ruth smiled. “I have three year old twins. A boy and a girl. Sammy and Rosie. They are my lifeline and my husband of course.He’s in the force too so understands. Sometimes it all gets on top of me and I have to take time out. Last year a toddler was killed in a house fire and I could hardly bear to leave my two each morning. They were about the same age as the little girl who died. It does get to you but you just have to learn to manage. Its the courage of the people you meet that often gives you the strength to go on. You’ve managed.”
Eliza hung her head. “No I haven’t not really.”
“You are still here. Fighting and trying to put the past in a place where it can’t destroy your future. You are braver than you think.”
Suddenly she thought of Pete and the words he had said to her. Was she really through the worst? Could there really be a little space in the crowded world for someone like her? She closed the door behind the officers and went back up to her mother. “Why don’t you get out of bed for a little while?” she said. “I could carry the little table up and we could have a bit of supper together. I’ve put some jackets in the oven. They should be ready soon.”
EDITH
“We always used to have jackets on bonfire night do you remember and a little packet of sparklers between us.” “It was one of my favourite nights of the year,” Eliza replied smiling at the memory. Soon got too tame for Marcus though didn’t it. Once he was grown up he would go off into Taunton with his mates to the big bonfire at the Rugby Club.
“Where did I go wrong Eliza? Where?” Tears flowed down Ediths face and Eliza let her cry, holding her hand as she sobbed. “It wasn’t your fault Mum. His dad didn’t help and he just got in with the wrong crowd. Quick pickings versus hard work. It was a no brainer as far as Marcus was concerned. He kept his painting and decorating up but once Richard died and he was the man of the house he changed. He liked the power. He liked having a bike everyone else could only dream of owning. He became a bully I suppose. He was still Marcus but a man not a boy anymore. We lived in the same house and day after day said ‘good morning’ and ‘good night’ but we weren’t a family. He outgrew us. He gradually slipped through our fingers.” Eliza stopped. That was as far as she felt able to go. The mother and daughter had never spoken of that night and were never likely to.
TWENTY TWO
ELIZA
True to her word Lara, had stayed with Edith as much as she could, allowing Eliza to go back to Gloucester to work and to collect some more of her things. She had been in such a daze when the call about Marcus had come she had just grabbed some clothes from her case stuffed them in a holdall and rushed out for the train.
She was on the train again now heading to Taunton. She would get a bus from there to Wellington and stay until the following Sunday. There were some big decisions to make about Mums future. It didn’t appear that Marcus had made a will. So once probate was sorted the house would be Ediths. It surely wasn’t the best option for her to stay there. So many memories and so impractical for her needs. Eliza sighed and looked out of the window again at the Somerset countryside. Sheep stood in a field. Seagulls far too far away from the sea along with the jet black rooks scoured the immaculately ploughed land. What worries did they have? She had brought a book to read on her journey but had read and re read the first page so many times without taking in a single word that she had given up and put it back in her bag. She had too much in her head. Not just thoughts but a new sort of heaviness that assaulted her until she ended up almost in a trance.
Two hours later and she was back at the house . She called up the stairs and Lara came down to greet her. “Your mums really confused again sorry. She can’t seem to concentrate for more than a moment and she has been asking after you.”
“Thanks Lara,” Eliza said and handed her an envelope with her additional wages in. “I hope you aren’t too exhausted.” “No its alright,” the young girl said though she looked totally drained. Grief was exhausting for everyone who came into his presence however remotely. “I’ll put the kettle on for you, Oh and a couple of cards came through the door. They are on the side.”
Eliza made her way again up the stairs. The blue carpet really needed replacing. The whole house needed a facelift. She would have to talk to her mother but not today.
EDITH
Whether she opened her eyes or closed them Ediths head buzzed as if there were a million angry bees in it. It puzzled her why the bees would be angry. She had loved watching them slurping up their nectar from the flowers in her garden. There had been that book too. Now what was it called ? Oh yes The Secret Life of Bees? She wondered what they did in their secret life but she couldn’t remember. She just knew that the noise of the ones that had somehow got into her head was deafening and she couldn’t think or sleep or remember all the things she knew she was supposed to be in control of. She was going mad. She was sure of it. Even her food tasted bitter and she had no idea whether it was day or night. The police had been again and asked some questions. What kind of mother must they have thought she was? She knew nothing about Marcus’ life. What he did. What he owned. It was as if he was a total stranger.
She couldn’t quite grasp that it was Eliza standing at the door. When she was sure the person standing there wasn’t just a figment of her imagination she cried. “I thought you were dead too,” she sobbed as Eliza held her. Eliza too was close to tears. Her mother was disappearing in front of her eyes. Each time she saw her there seemed to be less and less of her. She wasn’t yet seventy but the aging process had wrapped itself around her mothers mind and body and like some sort of parasite was draining away her life blood and sanity day by day.
“I had to go back to work Mum, but I’m here now. Lara has put the kettle on and I’ll make us both a nice cup of tea.” Where would the world be without cups of tea Eliza thought. She was amazed at how calm she was able to be. She wanted to scream at God or the universe or the man in the moon. Someone, anyone who could ease her mums agony.
Edith stared at her daughter as if trying to recognise her. It was all so dark. She was cold and she needed to know what it was she was supposed to be doing. Marcus was dead, surely she was supposed to be doing something?.
In the end she just said “I don’t know what to do.”
“I know mum but you don’t have to do anything. Not today anyway.”
What a relief Edith thought, nothing to do today. A sudden panic swept through her and she all but shouted, but what about tomorrow ? What do I have to do then?
She vaguely knew that she was losing control of herself. Her voice. Her thoughts. Everything inside her had speeded up but somehow she was going slower. There would be a big crash soon. She just knew there would.
She hung on to her mug of tea as if it were a life raft. Drink your tea she said to herself. Drink your tea.
Eliza was talking again and holding up a card. It had a beautiful picture of a rose on the front. It wasn’t her birthday was it?
It’s from St Johns Eliza said and read the card out:
‘Dear Mrs Grady
We were so sorry to hear about the sudden death of your son. We are praying for him and for you and Eliza. With our fondest best wishes and sincere sympathy Father David, the pastoral team and all at St Johns.’
She wasn’t Mrs Grady she had never married Richard. She was Mrs Harris and what was the use of praying for Marcus? Bit late now wasn’t it? He was dead.
She was about to say that to Eliza when a sudden thought crept into her mind. If Marcus was in hell and the congregation prayed for him. Perhaps he would get transferred to heaven. Yes that must be it. She smiled and for the first time since she had heard the news she felt maybe things might be alr
ight. She would just close her eyes for a bit. Eliza wouldn’t mind.
TWENTY THREE
ELIZA
The second card had been addressed to her alone. It was from Ruth the police officer who had met her at the morgue. She said she had been thinking of her and could she pop round on Sunday. It was her day off but there was something quite urgent she needed to discuss. Nothing Eliza should worry about but could she call about ten. She had added her mobile phone number in case this wasn’t convenient.
Maybe they know who knocked Marcus down Eliza thought but why would she come round on her day off? She left her mother sleeping and went across the landing to her old room. It looked as though Marcus had been in there moving things about. She hadn’t noticed that before. Or maybe the police had been in there. She had left the bed made from last week It was only eight more nights she told herself. She supposed she would have to clear out Marcus’ stuff. Maybe she could get someone in to do it. Her heart sank. No she would have to do it and she would have to talk to her mother about moving. It was so cruel. Her illness, her confusion. She was alive and yet she wasn’t, not really, not living. She would make an appointment to see her mums doctor. Was she getting steadily worse or was it the shock of Marcus death? Would she regain some of her ability to know and understand what was happening? She probably needed a new mental health assessment. Oh Eliza groaned. It was just all too overwhelming. Too heavy a weight for her to carry. She put her head in her hands. She would think about it tomorrow. Not today.
EDITH
All of a sudden Edith was dreaming a lot. A mix of absurdity and reality. She had been at the supermarket but everythng kept falling out of her basket. She asked Marcus to help but he had piled things higher and higher. Things they didn’t need or even like. Eventually she had collapsed under the weight of it all but nobody noticed. Everyone who went by added more and more items. Heavy things like sacks of potatoes and tins of beans. She kept calling out but the words got trapped inside her throat and no one could hear. Finally Marcus had come and hauled her out from underneath the tons of food. He had been so angry. “Making a bloody show of yourself. You make me sick!.” She had been left on her own sitting in the middle of one of the aisles not knowing what to do. She couldn’t afford to buy everything so she knew she would have to put it all back on the shelves. She had woken up at that point and remembered clear as day the time Marcus had deliberately pulled all the boxes of cereals off the shelves because she wouldn’t let him have his own way. Oh Marcus she cried out. What happened to you? What did I do wrong?
She was relieved to see Eliza who she thought looked pale. I’m sorry I’m such a burden to you she had said and meant it. Don’t be silly you’re not a burden you’re my mum. Edith knew she was a burden though. She was a burden to herself so how could she not be to everyone else as well?
TWENTY FOUR
ELIZA
Ruth arrived spot on ten. She was carrying a bunch of roses. “They are for you” she said. “The twins helped me cut them this morning. They have gone to their Gran today so my husband and I are going out to lunch.”
“You are so thoughtful” Eliza said as she took them from the police officer.” I told them that they were for a lady who was going through a tough time and that flowers made people feel better.” Eliza was getting closer and closer to tears. She had gone years and years without being able to cry and now she could barely get through a morning without welling up. She found a little vase and put the roses on the kitchen table.
“Shall we talk in here? Ruth asked. “Yes yes that’s fine” Eliza said. “Would you like a coffee?” “Not for me” answered Ruth. “But do make yourself one.” “I’ll wait and have one with mum later. Making her drinks is about the useful thing I can do. She’s really struggling and its so hard to watch. I feel so helpless and utterly useless.”
“Don’t be too hard on yourself Eliza. The best thing you can do for your mum is show her that you are getting on with your life. That you haven’t been beaten.”
Eliza tried to take reassurance from the police officers words. She seemed much more petite out of uniform, dressed in a casual pair of beige trousers and a simple patterned white blouse with a silk scarf around her neck. Eliza thought she was beautiful. She herself had her usual full length skirt on and a long sleeved blouse buttoned up to the neck. She was only a few years older than the woman opposite her but she felt as if she was from another era.
Ruth pulled an envelope out of her shoulder bag. “I want to show you something Eliza. I found it when we were searching through Marcus’ things. I’ve hung on to it for a few days. I just couldn’t decide what to do. I could have passed it on. Or I could have left it for you to find. Only it requires a decision and I felt it would be a hard one for you to make on your own.”
She handed the envelope over to Eliza. “It wasn’t sealed so I had a look inside, just in case it was relevant or suggested a motive for murder.”
“What do you mean a motive for murder?”
“It is his last wishes and had someone known they were to benefit from his death they might have speeded the process up by knocking him down.”
“You have to think of so many different things don’t you.” “Sadly some of the people we deal with aren’t exactly pillars of the community. It is depressing sometimes but there are more good folks out there than bad ones.”
The envelope was adressed to ‘whom it may concern on the occasion of my death.’ I would like this to be treated as my will please. Elizas fingers were trembling as she pulled out the piece of plain A5 paper.
It read
I MARCUS GRADY being of sound mind hereby declare that this house, all its contents, all cash in it and my bike in the garage, should be given to the RSPCA.
NOT my family
Thank you
SURPRISE SURPRISE!!!!
It was signed and dated.
Eliza was beyond being able to form words. Eventually she said simply
“What will happen to mum? How am I going to tell her?”
“You don’t have to tell her Eliza. You don’t have to follow his wishes. It isn’t countersigned and I am sure you could contest it in a court of law.
Or… “she paused
“Or you could just rip it up.”
Eliza looked horrified. “I can’t do that.”
“You can and I strongly encourage you to do exactly that. If not for yourself, then for your mother. She could move into a place where she could be cared for and have company. The proceeds from the sale of the house would help her so much. She deserves that. You deserve that.”
Eliza mind was in a turmoil. “Isn’t it a criminal offence? You are a police officer you shouldn’t be telling me to do this?”
“I’m a police officer and a woman who has an inkling of what you are going through. The letter was an act of spite on Marcus’ part. It was probably aimed more at you than at his mother. He would surely have expected to outlive her.”
“He should have outlived me too. I’m twelve years older than he was “
“He should have, but he hasn’t and I think his better self would want to provide for his mother. “
Eliza put the paper back into the envelope. She couldn’t bear to touch it. Did he really hate them both that much? Did he still blame them for his prison sentence? For ruining his life?
“You can see why I didn’t want you to have to make the decision alone” said Ruth. “If you destroy the letter you have to let it go inside too. You can’t carry guilt around inside you for what you’ve done. Do you want some time to think?”
Just then, Eliza heard Ediths weak voice calling her. She looked at Ruth and as she got up from the table to go to her mother she said quietly. “Please take the letter away.” Ruth picked up the envelope and put her hand on Eliza’s shoulder. “It’s the right thing” she said. “Even if it’s wrong. It’s the right thing.”
Eliza picked up the vase of roses and for the thousandth time went up to her mother who
was calling her name.
EDITH
“They can’t stay in my room” Edith said as soon as she saw the roses. “They will just attract more bees and there are enough in my head already.” Eliza was taken aback, “but they are beautiful and their scent is just gorgeous.” “Take them away”, she was getting was agitated now and waited for Eliza to do as she was told and take the roses to her own room.
“I would have thought you would have had more sense Eliza than bringing those things in here.” Eliza apologised and then said “you called me was there something you needed. Would like to get out of bed and sit in the chair?”
Edith wracked her brain again. She couldn’t begin to remember why she had called her daughter. She allowed Eliza to help her into her chair and then asked. How many days there were before the funeral. Its Sunday today Eliza said and the funeral is Friday so five days. Five days. Edith tried to bolt down how long that was in terms of mornings and nights. Quite a long time she thought that was alright then.
“The hairdresser, is coming on Wednesday to give you a trim. Its grown quite long hasn’t it?” Had it? Whenever she looked in the mirror she didn’t seem to have any hair at all. It was all plastered to the top of her head. The carers usually combed it for her. It hurt sometimes but she never let on. They meant well. “Should I wear a hat do you think?” “If you would like to . I’ll get your things out later and you can choose what outfit you would like to go in.” Go where Edith thought suddenly confused. Where were they going? She tried to rewind her morning to see if there was a clue in the conversations she’d had. She hadn’t had any though had she?