Mindswap

by Robert Sheckley

  The Hermit replied:

  'Well spoken, stranger! You shall have this aid.

  Nay, more! For when men meet, despite their divers forms,

  They needs must succor each one to his own.'

  More quickly now, Marvin replied:

  'I hoped, in this ancient planetoid with dreams displayed

  Of sunrise splendors, sunsets disarrayed,

  That one poor pilgrim who did pass this way

  Might find escape from terrors he surveyed.'

  The Hermit said:

  'Step forward then, my friend, my liege, my lord,

  For all men are consistent to that state

  Which life shall bring to them; the veriest slave

  May some day be the king of yonder peer,

  While this man here, this enemy by rote

  Of graven custom, shall at hand

  Be cup companion, if his speech be known!'

  Marvin stepped forward, saying:

  'Much thanks! Your doorway to the stars

  Fits wise man and fool; yet still it bars

  The Mute, who through his foolish tongue unused

  Won't even get one half the way to Mars.'

  Otis, who had been restraining his giggles through all this, now said: 'Hey! Were you saying something about me?'

  'I certainly was,' Marvin said. 'You'd better start versifying if you want to get out of here.'

  'Well, rats, you're doing it for both of us.'

  'Nope. The Hermit just said you have to speak for yourself.'

  'My God, what'll I do? Otis muttered. 'I don't know any poetry.'

  'You better think of something,' the ganzer egg said.

  'Well … all I can remember is a little Swinburne which some goopey girl talked to me once. It's pretty stupid stuff.'

  'Let's hear it,' Marvin said.

  Otis sweated and swotted, and at last intoned:

  'When the spaceships of Earth are on distant planets,

  The soul of a man, be he slender or tall,

  Desires his home, for it pulls like ten magnets,

  Filling his heart as great waves fill a hall.

  And the great green sensation of gratitude

  Is entranced by the welcoming attitude

  Of a heroic Hermit, whose modulent mood

  Is to rescue the spaceman and save him withal.'

  The Hermit said:

  'I find thee apt: 'Tis parlous to relate

  In these lean times a halting tongue may work

  Quick mischief 'pon its saddened owner-lord.'

  Marvin said:

  'Ali come, take Marvin Flynn away, and leave

  The Rest to wrangle! He would grieve

  To find his body torn and wounded: therefore now

  He'd like to go, whilst others stand and cheer.'

  The Hermit said:

  'Away then, gentlemen! Hearts high,

  Feet firm in stirrups, head uplifted be …'

  And so they proceeded in sing-song fashion to the Hermit's hut, where they saw, hidden away under some sheets of bark, an illegal Mindsender, of an ancient and curious design. And Marvin learned that there was method in even the direst madness. For the Hermit had been on this planet for less than a year, and already had made a considerable fortune by smuggling refugees to the less savoury labour markets of the galaxy.

  It was not ethical, but as the Hermit put it:

  'Call you it dastardly, then, the tricks I play

  With this my engine? Sobeit! Nay, I'll not dispute

  The arid-abstract trueness of your plea.

  Yet think upon't; 'tis folly to refuse bad wine

  When chok't with desert thirst. Not so? Then why

  So harshly judge the salvor of your life?

  'Tis damned ingratitude of most perversity –

  To slap the hand that plucked Death's grip from thee!'

  Chapter 14

  A small amount of time passed. A job for Otis Dagobert had not been difficult to find. Despite his protestations to the contrary, the young man showed a small but very promising streak of sadism. Accordingly, the Hermit had Swapped him into the mind of a dental assistant on Prodenda IX. That planet, just to the left of the South Ridge stars if you come by way of Procyon, had been settled by a group of Terrans who felt strongly about fluorine, despising this chemical group as though it were the devil itself. On Prodenda IX they could live fluorine-free, with the assistance of many dental architects, as they were called.

  The ganzer egg wished Marvin the best of good fortune and rolled off into the forest.

  'And now,' the Hermit said, 'we come to the problem of you. It seems to me, considering your personality quite objectively, that you have a definite aptitude as a victim.'

  'Me?' Marvin asked.

  'Yes, you,' the Hermit replied.

  'A victim?'

  'Definitely a victim.'

  'I'm not so sure.' Marvin replied. He stated it that way out of politeness; actually, he was quite sure the Hermit was wrong.

  'Well, I'm sure,' the Hermit said. 'And I dare say I've had more experience in job placement than you.'

  'I suppose you have … I notice that you are no longer speaking in verse.'

  'Of course not,' the Hermit said. 'Why should I?'

  'Because earlier,' Marvin said, 'you had been speaking only in verse.'

  'But that was entirely different,' the Hermit said. 'I was outside then. I had to protect myself.'

  'But what about now?'

  'Now I am in my house and therefore quite safe. I have no need for the protective language of verse.'

  'Does verse really protect you outside?' Marvin asked.

  'It certainly does. I have lived on this planet for over a year, hunted by two murderous races who would kill me on sight if they could find me. And in that time I have suffered no harm whatsoever. What do you think about that?'

  'Well, it's very fine, of course. But how do you know it's your language that protects you?'

  'I infer it,' the Hermit said. 'It seems a reasonable enough assumption.'

  'Yes, sir,' Marvin said. 'But I don't quite see the relationship between your language and your safety.'

  'I'll be damned if I see it, either,' the Hermit said. 'I like to think of myself as a rational man, but the efficacy of verse is one thing that I am reluctantly forced to accept on faith. It works; what more can I say?'

  'Have you ever thought of experimenting?' Marvin asked. 'I mean, speaking outside without your language of verse? You might find you don't need it.'

  'So I might,' the Hermit replied. 'And if you tried walking on the ocean bottom, you might find that you didn't need air.'

  'It's not really the same thing,' Marvin said.

  'It's exactly the same thing,' the Hermit told him. 'All of us live by the employment of countless untested assumptions, the truth of falsehood of which we can determine only through the hazard of our lives. Since most of us value our lives more than the truth, we leave such drastic tests for the fanatics.'

  'I don't try to walk on water,' Marvin said, 'because I've seen men drown.'

  'And I,' the Hermit said, 'do not speak a prose language outside because I have seen too many men killed while speaking it; but I have not seen one single verse-speaker killed.'

  'Well … to each his own.'

  'The acceptance of indeterminacy is the beginning of wisdom,' the Hermit quoted. 'But we were talking about you and victimization. I repeat, you have an aptitude, which opens the possibility of an extremely interesting position for you.'

  'I am not interested,' Marvin said. 'What else do you have available?'

  'Nothing else,' the Hermit said.

  By a remarkable coincidence, Marvin heard at that moment a great crashing and thundering in the underbrush outside, and deduced that it was either the Meldens or the Ganzers, or both, coming in pursuit of him.

  'I accept the job,' Marvin said. 'But you're wrong.'

  He had the satisfaction of the last word; but the Her
mit had the satisfaction of the last deed. For, arranging his equipment and adjusting his dials, he closed the switch and sent Marvin off to his new career on the planet Celsus V.

  Chapter 15

  On Celsus V, the giving and receiving of gifts is a cultural imperative. To refuse a gift is unthinkable; the emotion it raises in a Celsian is comparable to the incest-dread of a Terran. Normally, this causes no trouble. Most gifts are white gifts, intended to express various shades of love, gratitude, tenderness, etc. But there are also grey gifts of warning, and black gifts of death.

  Thus, a certain public official received a handsome snout ring from his constituents. It was imperiously designed for two week's wear. It was a splendid object, and it had only one flaw. It ticked.

  A creature of another race might have flung it into the nearest ditch. But no Celsian in his right mind would do that. He wouldn't even have the ring examined. Celsians live by the motto: DO not look a gift in the teeth. Besides, if word of his suspicion leaked out, it would cause an irreparable public scandal.

  He had to wear that damned ring for two weeks.

  But the damn thing was ticking.

  The official, whose name was Marduk Kras, pondered the problem. He thought about his constituents, and various ways he had helped them, and various other ways he had failed them. The ring was a warning, that much was clear. It was at best a warning – a grey gift. At worst, it was a black gift – a small bomb of popular design, which would blow his head off after the elapse of several anxiety-ridden days.

  Marduk was not suicidal; he knew that he could not wear that damned ring. But he also knew that he had to wear that damned ring. Thus, he found himself facing a classic Celsian dilemma.

  'Would they do that to me?' Marduk asked himself. 'Just because I re-zoned their dirty old residential neighbourhood for heavy industry, and entered into an agreement with the Landlords' Guild to raise their rents 320 per cent in return for a promise of new plumbing within fifty years? I mean to say, good Lord, I've never pretended to be omniscient; I may have made mistakes here and there, I freely admit it. But is that sufficient cause to commit what anyone must view as a deeply antisocial act?'

  The ring ticked merrily away, tickling his snout and alarming his senses. Marduk thought of other officials whose heads had been blown off by dimwitted hotheads. Yes, it might very possibly be a black gift.

  'Those stupid molters!' Marduk snarled, relieving his feelings with an insult he would never have dared voice in public. He was feeling sorely aggrieved. You worked your hearts out for those slack-skinned, wart-nosed idiots, and what was your reward? A bomb to wear in your nose!

  For one hectic moment he contemplated throwing the ring into the nearest chlorine tank. That would show them! And there was precedent for it. Had not the saintly Voreeg spurned the Total Offering of the Three Ghosts?

  Yes … but the Ghosts' Offering, according to accepted exegesis, had been a subtle attack upon the spirit of Gift-Giving, and therefore at the very core of society; for by making a Total Offering, they had precluded the possibility of any future gifts.

  Besides – what was admirable for a Saint of the Second Kingdom would be execrable for a petty official of the Tenth Democracy. Saints can do anything; ordinary men must do what is expected of them.

  Marduk's shoulders slumped. He plastered warm mud on his feet, but it brought no relief. There was no way out. One Celsian could not stand alone against organized society. He would have to wear the ring, and wait for the mind-splitting moment when the tick stopped …

  But wait! There was a way! Yes, yes, he could see it now! It would take clever arrangement; but if he brought it off, he could have safety and social approval. If only that damned ring gave him time …

  Marduk Kras made several urgent calls, and arranged for himself to be ordered to the planet Taami II (the Tahiti of the Ten-Star Region) on urgent business. Not corporeally, of course; no responsible official would spend local funds to ship his body across a hundred light years when all that was required was his mind. Frugal, trustworthy Marduk would travel by Mindswap. He would satisfy the form, if not the spirit, of Celsian custom by leaving his body behind with the gift ring ticking merrily in its nose.

  He had to find a mind to inhabit his body during his absence. But that was not difficult. There are too many minds in the galaxy, and not enough bodies to go around. (Why this should be, no one really knows. After all, everyone was given one of each to begin with. But some people always seem to end up with more than they need, be it wealth, power, or bodies; and some with less.)

  Marduk got in touch with Hermit Enterprises (Bodies for Any Purpose). The Hermit had just the thing for him: a clean-cut young Terran male who was in imminent danger of losing his life, and was willing to take his chances with a ticking nose ring.

  Thus Marvin Flynn came to Celsus V.

  For once there was no need to hurry. Upon arrival, Marvin was able to follow prescribed Swapping procedure. He lay perfectly still, growing slowly accustomed to his new corpus. He tested his limbs, checked out his senses, and scanned the primary culture-configuration load as radiated from the forebrain for analogue and similitude factors. Then he sized up the hindbrain emotional end structure factor for crux, nadir and saddlepoint. Nearly all of this was automatic.

  He found the Celsian body a good fit, with a high aspect of jointure and an excellent main-sequence random-dispersion pattern. There were problems, of course: the delta curve was absurdly elliptic, and the UYPs (universal Y points) were falciform rather than trapezoidal. But you had to expect that on a Type 3B planet; under normal circumstances, it would never cause him any trouble.

  Taken all in all, it was a body-enviromnent-culture-role cluster with which he could empathize and identify.

  'Feels pretty good,' Marvin summed up for himself. 'If only that damned nose ring doesn't blow up.'

  He got up and took stock of his surroundings. The first thing he saw was a note that Marduk Kras had left for him, tied to his wrist so he wouldn't overlook it.

  Dear Swapper, [it read]

  Welcome to Celsus! I realize that you may not feel very welcome, under the circumstances, and I regret it nearly as much as you do. But I would advise you sincerely to put all thought of sudden demise out of your mind, and concentrate instead on having a pleasant vacation. It may console you to know that the statistical incidence of death by black gift is no greater than that of being killed in a plutonium-mine accident, if you happened to be a plutonium miner. So relax and enjoy yourself.

  My apartment and all that is in it are yours to enjoy. My body also, though I trust you will not overstrain it or keep it out too late or feed it an excess of intoxicating beverages. It has a weak left wrist, so be careful if you should have to lift any heavy weights. Good luck, and try not to worry, since anxiety never yet solved a problem.

  PS. I know you are a gentleman and would not try to remove the nose ring. But I thought I should tell you that you can't anyhow because it is locked in place with a microscopic Jayverg Bonded Molecular Padlock. Goodbye again, and do try to put all this unpleasantness out of mind and enjoy your two weeks on our lovely planet.

  Your Sincere Friend,

  Marduk Kras

  At first Marvin was irritated by the note. But then he laughed and crumpled it up. Marduk was undoubtedly a scoundrel, but he was a likeable one, and not ungenerous. Marvin decided to make the best of his dubious bargain, forget about the putative bomb nestling just above his lip, and enjoy his time on Celsus.

  He went on an exploration of his new home, and was well satisfied with what he found. It was a bachelor burrow, designed for residence rather than for reproduction. Its main construction feature – pentabrachation – reflected Kras' status as a public official. Less fortunate sorts had to get by with three or four gallery systems; and in the slums of North Bogger, whole families were crowded into wretched mono– and duo-brachate systems. Housing reform had been promised in the near future, however.

  The kitc
hen was neat and modem, and well stocked with gourmet items. There were jars of candied annelids, and a bowl of exotic Alcyonium Salad mixture, and delicious titbits of Tubipora, Pennatula, Gorgonia, and Renilla. There was a can of Goose Barnacle in rotifer and orchid sauce, and a quick-frozen package of sweet and sour Uca. But – how like a bachelor – there were no staples, not even a gastropod loaf or a bottle of carbonated Ginger Honey.

  Wandering down the long, curving galleries, Marvin found the music room. Marduk had not stinted here. A gigantic Imperial amplifier dominated the room, flanked by two Tyrant-model speakers. Marduk used a Whirlpool semi-mix microphone, with a forty-bbc channel rejection, an 'expanding' type sense-discrimination selector, with a floating throat-slot 'passive' director. Pick-up was by image regeneration, but there was provision for changing over to decay modulation. Although not professional in quality, it was a very good amateur rig.