by Michael Todd
And they’re scared of you.
Katie glanced back at the counter toward the two guys watching her nervously. Okay, and they’re scared of me.
You don’t even like pizza. Why aren’t you eating the donuts?
Katie frowned. I like pizza. I’m just usually trying to get you to stop bitching. It’s all dicks and balls and murder until I shove a donut in your mouth. This time you can wait a hot minute.
The door to the pizza place opened, and Detectives Shultz and Travers walked in. Pandora groaned. Great, now they’re going to take up valuable donut-eating time. You better not stop eating just because they’re here.
Calm down, Satan. I got this.
Pandora snorted. As if. I would not be in this dive if I were Satan. I’d be franchising Krispy Kremes in hell.
It would take some damn strong air conditioning to keep them from melting. Katie looked at the detectives and smiled, taking her feet off the chair.
“Hey, guys! Have a seat.”
Schultz looked skeptical, but the two men sat down in front of her. She wiped her hands on the napkins and slid a dozen donuts across the table. “I got you guys a twelve-pack to take back to the office. Figured the other guys would appreciate it.”
Travers nodded excitedly, but Schultz remained impartial. “Katie…”
Katie put her hands up and sat up straight in the chair. “Look, I know. But seriously! There was no way I was dicking around at the accident. I attract way too much attention. I figured you would find me here, so here I am.”
Schultz relaxed and chuckled, shaking his head. “We know. You did a good job. Maybe a little less rough next time, but good job.”
Travers shrugged. “I think those sons of bitches got what they had coming to them. Our guy will be in the hospital for a week. Concussion, broken leg, and luckily, that Vietnamese restaurant was closed for renovations.”
Katie grimaced. “Gonna need a lot more renovations than they originally thought.”
Travers waved his hand. “They got insurance.”
Schultz slid a piece of paper across the table along with a pen. “You know the drill. Write your statement and sign the bottom.”
As she wrote, Katie noisily chewed her pizza. She re-read her statement and waved the pen at them. “You know, we can find a more efficient way of getting my information.”
Schultz raised a brow. “Yeah?”
Katie finished signing her name and pushed her statement to the detective. “Oh, for sure. I mean, my guy came up with a whole system to detect portals before they open. You don’t think we could figure out something as easy as getting this info without a face to face? Shit, a cell phone could probably solve that problem. I can fax you a fucking John Hancock.”
Schultz laughed. “Better yet, we could get a stamp made of your signature and just stamp the fax.”
Katie wiped pizza grease from her lips and nodded. “I like the way you think, detective. Work smarter, not harder. Now I just gotta figure out how to implement that theory in my work. Some kind of criminal-catching magic with a wave of my finger.”
Pandora cackled. We’re an angel-demon, not Harry Fucking Potter.
Travers reached over and grabbed a donut. “But how does that get us out of the precinct building and into a donut shop?”
“Touché, my friend.” Katie laughed, pointing at Travers.
“We could make it a payment for every time you make us contact you for a statement. You just fly through with boxes of donuts attached to tiny parachutes. We’ll come outside and grab ‘em.” Travers was obviously happy with his plan, but Schultz just stared at him.
Schultz turned back to Katie. “Like cops don’t get enough hell with the donut stigma. All we need is a picture of it raining fucking Krispy Kremes over the precinct. We’ll never live it down.”
Katie picked up a donut and shook it at Schultz. “Yeah, but you’ll be the ones with Krispy Kremes. Bet you a thousand bucks that other cops start sending me tips on things happening around the City. They may hate on you, but they won’t hate on the free donuts.”
Pandora gasped. We could put our superhero symbol on the parachutes.
We don’t have a superhero symbol.
Pandora scoffed. Please, like that would be the toughest thing to come up with. Slut Girl’s symbol could be two huge tits with wings.
Katie choked on her donut. Nope. Not even going to give you a reason. Just no.
She laughed and glanced out the doors right as a guy wearing a plaid shirt, dirty pants, and boots ran toward the entryway. He headed for the doors at full speed, and he had a purse in his hands. Katie dropped her donut. “Son of a bitch stole a damned purse. Fucking get a goddamned job.”
Katie jumped up, grabbed a chair, and dragged it behind her to the door. Schultz’s eyes went wide, and he spun around. “No killing!”
“Blah, blah, blah.” Katie kicked the door open and pushed the chair out on the sidewalk. She watched the guy race toward her. She squinted one eye and stuck her tongue out of her mouth thoughtfully, calculating the trajectory and adjusting her aim. In one fluid motion, she picked the chair up and hurled it down the street. The chair tumbled end over end, arcing through the air. The detectives winced when it hit the thief in the side. Thief and chair tumbled to the ground.
Katie smiled and nodded, brushing her hands off. A little old lady wearing thick glasses ran up and shook Katie’s hand vigorously. “Thanks, honey. You should play for the Mets.” The old lady ran to the thief, grabbed her purse, and proceeded to kick the shit out of the guy with her orthopedic shoes. Katie grimaced and walked back to the cops.
“See, he isn’t hurt.”
The old lady had her fill and walked off. The thief groaned and sat up, cursing at her. He looked around until he found Katie and the detectives inside the pizza place staring at him. He put up his fist and started yelling. “You fucking bitch. What the fuck? You hit me with a goddamned chair! See how tough you are hand-to-hand with me, cunt!”
Pandora perked up. Nope. He said the C-word.
You want?
I want.
Katie glanced at the cops. “Excuse me just a second.”
She kicked the door back open and stomped to the thief. Katie grabbed him by the collar and slammed him back down on the ground. She put a foot on either side of his body and bent over him, their noses touching. Her eyes flashed as she let Pandora take over.
Her voice became a growl. “I’m going to make this really clear. The one who threw the chair? She was the docile one. Me? I’ll grab your nutsack, tie it to my belt, and take you for a little flight. Either you will fall, balls not attached, or you will have to strap those babies to your shoulders to walk around. Now, lie here till my friends come and get you, or you know what’s next.”
The thief’s eyes grew wide. Katie turned and strutted back into the pizza place. Travers and Schultz were already halfway out the door and ran over to take the guy into custody. He looked at the cops, freaked out. “She…her eyes. She’s a… Take me to jail, please.”
Travers chuckled and put the cuffs on him. “Don’t worry, buddy. You’re on your way there.”
As the detectives hauled him off, they waved at Katie. She waved back and gathered her pizza and donuts, ready to go home. She nodded at the Krispy Kreme employees but figured the pizza guys were hiding in terror in the back, which made her laugh. As she exited the shop, a little girl with long dark hair tugged on her mom’s hand. “Mommy, it’s the angel!”
Her mother looked up and smiled broadly. “So it is! Katie is her name.”
The girl wriggled free from her mom and ran up to Katie, tapping her on the leg. “Excuse me. Can you sign an autograph for me? You’re my hero.”
Katie grinned and knelt. “It would be my honor, little lady. What would you like me to sign?”
“Oh.” The little girl looked around.
Katie laughed and ripped a piece of the Krispy Kreme box off. The little girl’s mom walked up and handed her a p
en. “Thank you. My daughter loves you. We all do.”
“Aw, that’s so sweet. What’s your name?” Katie asked.
“Abigail,” the little girl proudly proclaimed.
Katie signed the box, To Abigail, Keep flying high and never look back. The angels are on your side. Love, Katie
Pandora snickered. Oh, brother. That makes me want to vomit on myself. You should have signed it, Dear Abigail, the world will eat you whole. Grab a demon and make it your bitch.
Angie grimaced as Katie walked in the door. She muted the television and turned toward her employer. Angie was curled up on the couch with her knees to her chest. “Hey, there. You had quite the eventful evening.”
Katie glanced at the television. The local news was playing cell phone footage of Katie plowing into the car and slicing it in half. There were multiple angles. Katie wrinkled her nose. “Those citizen journalists never let me get away with anything.”
“I think you did a good thing.”
Katie laughed, laying her guns on the table. “Thanks. All in a day’s work. Got a purse snatcher too, but it wasn’t as epic. I tossed a chair at him as he was running. You should have seen his ass topple over. Then an old lady kicked him silly. It was fucking priceless.”
Angie giggled. “That sounds good, but watch this.”
She turned toward the television and backed up the TiVo. She pressed Play, and the shaky video showed Katie flying over the halved car holding the passenger in one hand. Katie leaned forward, squinting at the television. “Wait…did he?”
Angie wailed with laughter, nodding her head. “Yep, he pissed not only on himself, but you can see it splashing on the forehead of the guy beneath him.”
Katie slapped her knee. “How did I miss that? That is amazing shit. I should have put that in my report. Caught assailant, made him piss his pants…and on the other guy’s face.”
Pandora guffawed loudly. God, that is amazing. That right there makes the whole night worth it. They’re going to be sitting in jail covered in that one guy’s pee. People pay money to watch shit like that. Weirdos, but still.
Katie shivered. That’s two girls/one cup kind of shit. That’s disgusting, my friend.
Hey, I don’t give ‘em the ideas. Humans are freaky creatures. They’ll do anything for fame, money, and an orgasm or two.
Angie clicked off the television, her eyes watering from laughing so hard. “You in for the night?”
Katie leaned back in the chair. “Yep. Done for the night, hopefully.”
Angie looked surprised. “No sexy rendezvous and pass-out session at the local club tonight?”
Katie laughed. “Nah, I’m hanging up my slut shoes for a while. They don’t really fit. They’re Pandora’s, and they’re huge on me.”
Pandora grumped, That was uncalled for.
9
Baal fidgeted with a wide-brimmed black hat as he trekked across the hardened lava toward Moloch. The other demon stood in front of two ironwood chairs and a long table filled with food. Moloch looked over his shoulder as Baal approached. “What the hell is that thing on your head?”
Baal ran a talon across the brim of his hat. “Do you like it? The humans on Earth say it’s all the rage.”
Moloch curled his lip. “You look ridiculous. In fact, you look like that priest mercenary. What was his name?”
Baal’s eyes grew wide. “Damian?”
Moloch nodded. “Yes, that’s the one. Ridiculous bow tie. God-loving idiot.”
Baal shook his finger at Moloch. “He was pretty crafty.”
“Lord Lucifer, please don’t tell me you have an interspecies crush on that man-child.”
Baal looked away, took his hat off, and set it at his feet. “Don’t be stupid.”
Moloch arched an eyebrow. “How did you find one to fit your gigantic head, anyway? It’s the size of ten human heads.”
Baal shrugged indignantly. “They make them special-order in Colorado. What is all this, anyway?”
Moloch clapped his large paws and stood up, putting his back to the table. “We’re going to have some fun today. We’re going to take a little European tour.”
Baal pursed his lips. “Oooh, I love that idea. I’ve always wanted to vacation in Europe. I wouldn’t fit on the trains, though. And forget about any of the Asian countries. I would stick out like a sore thumb.”
Moloch sighed. “Yes, yes. Well, in honor of our tour, I have set up a delicious spread representing our locations. I have guinea pigs in croissants, wiener dogs on a stick, rabbit and potato pierogies—still fresh—and my favorite, Slovenian gerbil stew.”
Baal licked his lips, looking at the table. “That sounds delicious. You went all-out.”
Moloch waved his hand nonchalantly and plopped down into his large wooden chair. “Yes, well, I figured we would mark the next era of destruction with a little celebration. I’m so tired of doom and gloom. I figure there’s no way Katie has found out about our little plan, even if she did come out of hell alive and well. This should be nice and sneaky and entertaining.”
“Are you using the small demons?” Baal grabbed a guinea pig sandwich and chomped down.
Moloch flicked off a piece of fur that flew onto his shoulder. “You will see. Remember, we decided to go with minor inflictions of pain and death instead of full-on destruction. We want to be in and out as quickly as possible, just like the Leviathan. She taught us a lot about making a statement without getting pulverized…at least up until the end.”
The demons laughed loudly. Moloch spread his arms wide, opening a window that allowed them to view anywhere on Earth. “We will begin our tour of Europe in the quaint little town of Manarola, Italy. There are no cars or roads, just a bunch of disgusting humans enjoying the beauty of their fishing town.”
Baal leaned forward. “Nice, but it will be much nicer once it’s been renovated.”
“Mwahahahaha.” Moloch chortled maniacally.
The window moved as Moloch swished his hand, giving a panoramic view of the town on the Mediterranean. The skies were bright blue, and the ocean gently lapped at the tall stone cliffs. Bright, colorful houses peppered the side of the cliff, etched right into the stone face once thought impenetrable. Small boats bobbed in the small inlet below, which opened to the vibrant blue sea.
Baal laughed giddily as he pointed at the town. “Look at all those little Italian people. Hanging their laundry, talking to their neighbors, and shopping at the market, all with no clue of what’s coming. Give it to ‘em, Moloch. Give it to ‘em good.”
Moloch chuckled, cracking his knuckles. “As you wish.”
He clapped his hands and a crack of lightning shot from the sky. Reality groaned and split in the small seaside village. The air shuddered, and a gate opened in the picturesque harbor. A dozen large demons came barreling into the harbor at full force. Each of them carried two huge wooden mallets that they swung with fervor. Boats exploded into shards of wood, and human bodies went flying over their shoulders into the water. They stomped up the hill leading to the town, smashing and crushing anything in their path.
The stone of ancient buildings crumbled easily. Houses generations old fell at the demons’ feet. They dropped their mallets and began grabbing people out of their homes pulling villagers apart limb by limb and taking their time to have a bit of a snack before moving on to the next house. One large demon walked through the center of the pathway, his broad shoulders scraping the colorful houses. A small dog ran out and barked loudly, nipping bravely at the demon’s ankle. He slowly bent down and picked it up, putting the small dog in his palm.
A woman ran from the house screaming. “Mio Mitzi! Il mio povero cagnolino. Lasciala bestia!”
The demon looked down and lifted his thick leg. With a hellish chortle, he slammed his foot down on top of the woman, squashing her flat. He pivoted through the blood and bones and turned toward the ocean. The demon lifted the yapping dog to his eye. It growled fiercely. The demon cocked his fingers back. “Arrivederci.
” He chuckled as he flicked the dog away. The pup’s squeal grew faint as it flew into the distance, eventually landing with a small splash in the sea.
Moloch clapped his hands and laughed. “All right, that’s enough, my beasts. Let’s move on.”
At once, the beasts dropped the mangled humans, marched back through the rubble, and leaped into the gate before it snapped closed behind them. They hadn’t decimated the town, but they had definitely done some damage. Moloch cleared his throat and popped a wiener dog into his mouth.
Baal clapped excitedly. “Where to now?”
Moloch swallowed and waved his hand, changing the view. “Give yer best round o' applause. We ur gawin` tae Portree, Scootlund!”
Baal raised an eyebrow. “Huh?”
Moloch rolled his eyes and sighed. “Portree, Scotland. The largest town on the Isle of Skye. Home to some twenty-five hundred people. A booming port, and quite nice on the eyes.”
Baal laughed at Moloch’s spiel. “If you ever get tired of being an evil demon dictator, you could open a tour company on Earth.”
Moloch snorted. “And eat all my customers.”
He flicked his fingers, and the two watched as a gate opened in the hills above the brightly colored port town. Two dozen smaller demons poured out of the gate, hissing and snarling, and ran frantically toward the town. One of the demons became separated from the group and rushed into an open field. A flock of sheep began bleating loudly as he flew through them, jumping from sheep to sheep and taking a bite of each. Moloch and Baal laughed loudly at the wool flying everywhere. The stray demon left a string of mutilated mutton in his wake.
The other demons descended on the town and began attacking those in the streets. A dozen of them grabbed boulders and hurled them at buildings, blasting large holes in the colorful walls. Tourists screamed and poured from the restaurants, trying to get away as fast as they could. The demons were faster. The cobblestone streets were littered with severed legs and arms, and one head rolled down the hill.
Moloch and Baal focused on the head, and they chanted as it rolled all the way down the street and plopped into the water below. They bellowed with laughter, tears filling their eyes. Baal wiped his cheeks and focused on a Scottish barkeep. The red-haired brute burst out into the street with a shotgun.