LINDA
Shy! Do you know, I was always quite terrified of your meeting my friends? I could never be certain of what you’d say next. With ‘shy’ I would have been in heaven.
WILLIAM
I’m glad you decided that this weekend you were going to stick up for me.
LINDA
And from now on I shall, I promise you. Besides—sometimes, even while squirming, I remember—there was still a part of me that used to feel a bit proud. (To NORAH) But was he very much the gentleman?
NORAH
Oh, yes, when I first knew him I could take him anywhere and feel no apprehension. He wasn’t at all unpredictable. So where did I go wrong?
WILLIAM
I thought you were complaining that life holds no surprises.
NORAH
Yes, but I meant pleasant ones.
LINDA
Well, anyway, let’s say it may still hold a few pleasant ones…You see, I’ve asked someone to come round to meet you all in roughly ten minutes.
NORAH
The friend who drove you up?
LINDA
Yes.
WILLIAM
Is she blonde, long-legged and half as beautiful as you?
LINDA
Long-legged and beautiful but not a she.
TOM
Ah-ha. Sex enters the equation!
NORAH
Undergraduate?
LINDA
Yes. Same year as me—but only because he took time off to explore America; his parents have a home in San Francisco, you see. (Casually) As well as two others. In London and the Isle of Wight.
TOM
Jesus Christ.
NORAH
Tom!
TOM
No wonder she sends us telemessages!
LINDA
Well, I knew if I spoke to you on the phone you’d start to guess at some of it and then I wouldn’t be able to hold back…when what I really wanted was to be here to see your faces.
NORAH
You’re engaged!
LINDA
Yes!
NORAH
(Jumps up and kisses her) Oh, darling, darling! My congratulations! This is marvellous. This is so marvellous! (Wipes her eyes) Aren’t you impressed by my restraint?
LINDA
Aren’t you impressed by mine? I’ve been home all of ten minutes…and have only now spoken his name.
NORAH
But darling! You haven’t!
LINDA
No, so I haven’t. It’s Trevor. Trevor Lomax.
NORAH
Trevor Lomax…Oh, that’s nice. It’s got something.
LINDA
It’s got everything. Well, almost everything. Dad? You’re being very quiet.
WILLIAM
I…Am I? I think I’ve only just got back the power of speech. I thought you meant to wait…at least another six years…no earlier than twenty-five, you said. (Pulls himself together and kisses her) But what the hell. You know your happiness is all I care about.
LINDA
Thanks, Dad.
WILLIAM
And you really want to marry him: this long- legged paragon? (She nods) You said…you said just now…almost everything. What reservations?
LINDA
Oh. none. None at all. Nothing worth the mention.
WILLIAM
You’re sure?
LINDA
Quite sure. (WILLIAM paces restlessly) Mum, I told him he could spend the night here. Is that all right? I said you’d probably ask him for the weekend.
NORAH
Of course, darling. Later, we must put a duster over the spare room. I hope he enjoys quite ordinary, simple things.
LINDA
Brother mine, I haven’t yet received your congratulation—nor your kiss.
TOM
You can have the first, I suppose; I’m damned if you’ll get the second.
LINDA
All right, then, a compromise. We’ll shake hands.
They shake hands and LINDA exuberantly pecks him on the cheek.
TOM
Oh—what a freak! But of course I should have known. What else but low cunning could have landed you a rich man? Or any man at all?…Hey, do you think much of it will ever come our way?
NORAH
Tom!
LINDA
No, Mum, don’t worry. Anyone can say anything tonight. Carte blanche. Or at least until Trevor gets here.
NORAH
Oh! Talking about him I’d forgotten he was actually coming. Linda, how do I look? I wish you’d given us some warning. (Indicating Linda’s coat and things) Tom, run and hang those in the hall, please.
TOM
Why me? They’re not mine.
NORAH
And then take these coffee cups into the kitchen…William, do be helpful or else sit down again.
WILLIAM
How long have you known this boy?
LINDA
A little over two weeks.
WILLIAM
Two weeks!
LINDA
And, Dad, he isn’t ‘this boy’. He’s Trevor.
WILLIAM
Norah, did you hear that? Two weeks. I’m really not at all sure about this.
LINDA
Why? What is there for you to be sure about?
TOM returns.
WILLIAM
What can you know of anyone in just a little over two weeks? Except, perhaps, you want to go to bed with them. And when do you plan on getting married? Monday?
TOM
Or don’t you care for long engagements?
LINDA
We don’t know yet. We thought perhaps at Easter.
WILLIAM
This Easter?
LINDA
Yes, we realize it doesn’t give us long. But we don’t want a large wedding. And don’t worry, by the way: his parents will be paying.
WILLIAM
Do they know about this yet?
LINDA
Of course.
WILLIAM
Why of course? We’ve only just found out. Aren’t we as important as they are?
NORAH
William, you know Linda didn’t mean that. Oh, heavens, I must go to have a wee—but how can I, when I’m so afraid of what you two…I mean, things that you’ll forget to tell me? Will you promise me, all of you, to sit here in complete silence?
LINDA
Yes, Mum. We won’t say another word.
WILLIAM
Have you met his family yet?
LINDA
That’s happening next weekend.
NORAH
Oh, please! I don’t want him to find me in the loo.
Doorbell rings.
LINDA
I’ll go! I know you’re going to like him. Please—you’ve got to make him like you. (Exits)
WILLIAM
Oh, that’s nice. He doesn’t have to work at it. We do.
NORAH
My goodness! Don’t be so touchy!
TOM
Who was the silly girl, then, who left it too late? Nothing for it now but to keep your legs crossed. Or do I mean your fingers?
NORAH
Anyway, it’s only nerves. As soon as he comes in, I’ll be fine. Tom, do I look reasonably okay?
TOM holds up his hand, with his forefinger and thumb making an O of high approval. WILLIAM, standing before the mirror, quickly pats his hair into place, smoothes both eyebrows with his middle finger. He turns away from the mirror, pulls his sweater down, sticks out his chest; is annoyed to find TOM watching him,
TOM
Smashing. You’ll outshine us all. The light switch doesn’t stand a chance.
LINDA enters with TREVOR. TREVOR is blond, attractive and expensively, although not showily, dressed.
LINDA
Well, everybody, here he is! Mum, this is Trevor.
NORAH
Hello, Trevor. Are you feeling half as nervous as I am?
> TREVOR
Petrified. Those must be my teeth you hear. Or possibly my knees.
NORAH
(About to shake hands) Or are we allowed to kiss? This is the first time. I don’t yet know the form.
TREVOR
Well, I haven’t been through it all that often myself. Let’s make up our own rules. (They kiss)
LINDA
And this is my father.
WILLIAM
Trevor Lomax—the man of contradictions!
TREVOR
Sir?
WILLIAM
Petrified; turned to stone. And yet your knees knock. (They shake hands)
LINDA
I think that’s a joke. You soon get used to Dad. You don’t need to pay him much attention.
WILLIAM
You might have concealed that for at least a minute.
LINDA
You bring these things upon yourself. And this is my little brother: that enfant terrible I warned you about. You don’t have to pay him much attention, either.
TREVOR
(They shake hands) Hello, Tom.
TOM
Hi, Trev.
LINDA
Trev! (Pulls a face)
TOM
Is that really a nice, normal, healthy reaction to the man you say you want to marry? Oh—who expects ‘normal’ in this household?
NORAH
Trevor, never mind any of them—you come and talk to me. You must be frozen; perhaps it wasn’t just nerves making your teeth chatter. Warm yourself first at the fire.
TREVOR
Thank you—but I’m fine. (TREVOR sits, having looked round to check all the family is seated. LINDA is sitting on the floor)
NORAH
Well, do I need to say this has been one of the biggest surprises of my life—and definitely one of the happiest? But what have you been doing for the past twenty minutes while Linda was giving us all such pleasure? Not just sitting in your car shaking?
TREVOR
Oh, no. Driving round the town a little. Shaking.
NORAH
Poor Trevor. And you couldn’t have seen much of it at this time of night, anyway. Come to that, there isn’t much of it to see, not even at high noon.
TREVOR
No shoot-outs?
NORAH
I almost wish there were. Anything, I sometimes feel, to mitigate the dullness.
WILLIAM
Except unpredictability.
NORAH
At the moment all we’ve got is slush on the roads.
WILLIAM
Darling, won’t you please make up your mind what it is you really want out of life.
NORAH
Oh, that man! He makes it sound so simple.
WILLIAM
Of course it’s simple.
NORAH
No, for shoot-outs, Trevor, you have to step inside this house. But had I known you were just sitting in the car I’d have come and sat next to you. Held your hand.
TOM
Oy, oy! Oy, oy! Oy, oy!
LINDA
He’s mine. Not on loan to anyone. Even you.
NORAH
That’s not fair. I shan’t let you borrow my dress.
WILLIAM
Oh, your mother drives a hard bargain! What kind of car is it?
TREVOR
A Lambourghini.
TOM
A Lambourghini! Is it yours or…or your dad’s?
TREVOR
It was my birthday present last year—when I was twenty-one.
TOM
Did you hear that, folks? Only another four years to go; you can start saving. Did you have any car before that?
TREVOR
Oh, just an old beat-up banger of my sister’s. Do you drive?
TOM
No, worse luck. People round here are too mean to cough up for lessons. And on the pocket money I get—
NORAH
Trevor, how many brothers and sisters do you have?
TREVOR
I’ve two sisters, Mrs Freeman—no brothers. They’re older than I am: Vanessa’s twenty-three, Sally twenty-four.
WILLIAM
Just wait until you’ve got a job and can pay for your own lessons.
TOM
And when will that be?
NORAH
Are either of them married?
TREVOR
They both are. I’ve a niece and two nephews.
WILLIAM
In the meantime use your bike.
NORAH
That’s enough! If it’s not one pair of them, then it’s the other. When you were younger did you and your brothers, I mean sisters, squabble all the time?
TREVOR
Oh, I’m sure we did. Or would have. You see, we weren’t together all that much. Went to different schools.
NORAH
Ah, yes. You mean boarding schools?
WILLIAM
He means public schools.
TREVOR
Yes, I’m afraid so.
WILLIAM
Now that’s interesting. Why afraid so?
TREVOR
Well, I suppose I’m a little ashamed of the privileges money can buy.
WILLIAM
How ashamed?
TREVOR
Sir?
WILLIAM
Let’s put it this way. How much, for instance, have you given to Ethiopia?
NORAH
Oh, William!
LINDA
Dad!
TREVOR
No, it’s a perfectly fair question. I’ve given a…well, a reasonable amount. Nowhere near as much as I should have done, naturally, but…
WILLIAM
Twenty pounds?
LINDA
Don’t answer that. He’s got no right to ask.
TREVOR
A thousand.
WILLIAM
A thousand pounds! But I wasn’t talking about your parents’ contribution. I was talking about your own quite independently of theirs.
TREVOR
Yes, so was I. I don’t know what my parents gave; we didn’t discuss it. But I’m sure, of course, that they gave something.
WILLIAM
How do you know, then, if you didn’t discuss it?
TREVOR
We discuss the situations; I know their attitudes. But nobody says, “Look at me: I’m now going off to be charitable!” And nobody asks.
WILLIAM
(Pause) I feel I owe you an apology. Linda was right. I was entirely out of line.
TREVOR
I don’t see why, sir. But thank you, anyway. I never turn down a good apology.
TOM
And especially you shouldn’t in this house. They’re extremely rare.
NORAH
You speak for yourself. And even for your sister. Your father is always very quick with an apology, if he considers he’s been in the wrong.
WILLIAM
Mother likewise. And she does it more often—since she’s more often in the wrong. (NORAH sticks out her tongue at him)
TREVOR
(Laughs) I really hope I didn’t give the wrong impression just now. We’re a very ordinary sort of family. The only difference is…that we’ve been lucky. Yes, we try to be decent, but so do most people.
WILLIAM
Do they?
TREVOR
I think so.
WILLIAM
Yes, I suppose I think so too, on the whole.
NORAH
Of course you do. You’re an out-and-out optimist by nature.
TOM
Except when he’s an out-and-out pessimist by nature.
NORAH
No, if you’re talking about that slightly cynical air which he—
TOM
I’m talking about the days when all he does is mooch around with the mask of tragedy upon his face, not eating anything, not speaking to anyone…
WILLIAM
All right, I get depressed; we�
�ve already been through that once this evening—although I concede, not in front of Trevor. But you get moody too. You’re not exactly Nature’s Own and Best-Loved Little Sunbeam, may I point out?
TOM
(Jumps up and feigns a tantrum) I am, I am, I am! Mummy, how can he say otherwise? (Runs to her for protection) Beat off that naughty man! (To WILLIAM) But even if that’s true…I have a special dispensation. It’s my age. It’s the Bomb. It’s my inheritance from you. (Sings) “My sister wears a muss-tach, my brother wears a dress. Golly—gee—no wonder I’m a mess!”
WILLIAM
But I have a special dispensation as well: God’s attempt at consolation for saddling me with you. It was inadequate but at least it showed willing.
Such Men Are Dangerous Page 28