Such Men Are Dangerous

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Such Men Are Dangerous Page 29

by Stephen Benatar


  TOM

  Now that could be your epitaph! We’d hardly have to change the pronoun.

  WILLIAM

  Well, one could end up with worse. (To TREVOR) You may have noticed by now: we have a love-hate relationship, my son and I.

  TOM

  Only half of that is true.

  WILLIAM

  Rubbish. Sometimes you think I’m okay.

  TOM

  Sez who? And even if that were so, it doesn’t seem to work in the opposite direction.

  NORAH

  Honestly, I’ve seldom heard you two talk so much nonsense. No, that isn’t honest: I’ve often heard it. But poor Trevor, what must he be thinking? They’re really very nice. Both of them. And basically, too, they’re really very fond of one another.

  LINDA

  Look, if Trevor wants nothing more to do with me after this weekend…!

  TOM

  Do you really think, then, that he’s going to last the weekend? The kid must have stamina.

  LINDA

  Very funny.

  NORAH

  You seem to have caught us on a particularly bad day.

  TREVOR

  But at least—whatever you may say—you don’t really need Gary Cooper round here to liven things up. Whereas…Well, next weekend, when Linda comes to meet my parents, I know exactly what the first half-hour will be: all talk about the weather, and how pretty Linda is, and how are you getting on with your studies, dear—and, why, what a charming dress that is and, oh, do you take sugar in your tea? The only bit with any intrinsic interest will be how pretty Linda is. I shan’t mind them spending the first half- hour talking about that.

  LINDA

  Oh! Sugar in the tea! Would anybody like some coffee?

  TOM

  Do you always stand up when she does?

  LINDA

  Yes, and he opens doors for me as well, and even pulls out my chair at table.

  TOM

  You mean—in private?

  LINDA

  Yes. I’m trying to cure him of it but it isn’t easy.

  NORAH

  Oh, I wouldn’t try too hard if I were you. It may be old-fashioned but it’s very nice.

  WILLIAM

  In any case I don’t suppose you’ll have to. Time usually takes care of things like that. Time unassisted.

  NORAH

  He’s speaking from experience. At the start he used to practise all those little courtesies.

  TOM

  (To WILLIAM) And when you said that time would take care of it…is that the optimistic or the pessimistic side? No, it’s a serious question. I really don’t know.

  WILLIAM

  No, nor do I. I’ll tell you what, though: let’s all forget about the coffee and get out the alcohol instead. Trevor, are you wedded to the thought of coffee—or would you rather have a whisky?

  TREVOR

  Thank you, I’d rather have a whisky.

  NORAH

  No doubt his shattered nerves require it.

  WILLIAM

  I was a little afraid you might turn out to be tee- total.

  TREVOR

  Now that’s interesting. Why afraid, sir?

  NORAH

  Well done, Trevor! One can see you’ll be able to give as good as you get.

  WILLIAM

  All right: touché. Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord. ‘Afraid’—because it would have made you altogether too wholesome, too healthy, too square. I think that none of us could have stood it.

  NORAH

  Speak for yourself.

  TREVOR

  Vengeance is mine, I will repay, saith the Lord. Sir, isn’t that the line you were quoting?

  LINDA

  Give up. I think you might have met your match, Dad.

  WILLIAM

  Rubbish. The devil, too, can quote scripture.

  TOM

  Did he really say ‘too’?

  TREVOR

  In any case, I’m aware I was being priggish. I apologize.

  WILLIAM

  And please don’t call me ‘sir’. It makes me feel ancient.

  TOM

  You are ancient. And a line like that’s not going to put him in his place.

  TREVOR

  (Starts very purposefully, then breaks off) Well, as a matter of fact…Oh, may I give you a hand with that?

  WILLIAM

  No, you sit down. Tom can profit from your example. Tom, come and take these round. Norah, you’re going to have one, aren’t you?

  NORAH

  Certainly!

  TOM

  Do I get one? My nerves are shattered too.

  WILLIAM

  If you come clean: admit how much you really love me.

  TOM

  Does the size of my drink increase with the depth of my devotion?

  WILLIAM

  Remember, I can sniff out the least taint of insincerity.

  TOM

  Dad, I love you enormously.

  WILLIAM

  And didn’t we always know it? (Gives TOM a drink)

  TOM

  Ta, Pa.

  WILLIAM

  You’re welcome.

  NORAH

  (Looks at Tom’s glass) I think I would prefer he had loved you a little less. (Looks at her own) I think I’d prefer I had loved you a little less. You’re going to be our ruination.

  WILLIAM

  That figures. I sometimes feel everything I touch has a tendency to crumble into ashes. You always hurt the one you love, the one you never meant to hurt at all. Trevor, you’ll no doubt tell me if I got that right?

  NORAH

  How can Trevor possibly tell you? That song came out of the ark.

  WILLIAM

  Oh, I hoped it might have come out of St Paul’s Epistle to the Romans. Well, never mind. At least the ark is still scripture.

  NORAH

  And yours came to rest in the nineteen-forties or thereabout. Got stuck there. Grounded not so much on Ararat as Annabella. You forget that some of us weren’t even around until the middle sixties…And, by the way, I have absolutely no intention, thank you very much, of sitting here disintegrating into ashes just to fulfil some heart-rending little theory which happens to appeal to your feelings of self-pity. Not this evening, anyway.

  TOM

  (Pause) Hey, Wobbles, what is all this?

  NORAH

  You know, truthfully, I’m none too sure.

  TOM

  Then please don’t quash his generous instincts. They already find it hard enough getting by. Who was Annabella?

  NORAH

  What? Oh…she was the film-star wife of Tyrone Power.

  TOM

  And did Tyrone Power mind Dad’s ark being grounded on his wife?

  WILLIAM

  I tell you, I never even saw her. She was well before my time; though plainly not before your mother’s.

  TOM

  Oh God! Imagine! Painful enough having somebody’s ark grounded on you to some real purpose. But…I never even saw her…Poor, poor benighted lady. Mum, I think he’s right: he does seem to have this unfortunate effect on people.

  NORAH

  My son’s a lunatic. But since it may appear I’m going that way myself, I hope he’ll think he’s in good company.

  TREVOR

  Well, anyway, I know that I am. And may I drink a toast to that? To good company!

  NORAH

  Oh, it’s not fair! I’ve been wanting to propose a toast for the past five minutes. I wanted to be the first to do so. (Nevertheless, they drink)

  WILLIAM

  We can see that as a dummy run. Now this will be the proper thing.

  TOM

  I trust it’s going to be to Annabella. That’s the very least we can do. You know, it’s going to be a long time before I shall forget the fate of that innocent, once-lovely creature. I shall dream of it for ages.

  NORAH

  No, it’s not going to be to Annabella. (Raises her glass) Now thi
s ought to be champagne; but we’ll have to see what we can do tomorrow. To Linda and Trevor! To Trevor and Linda! May they always be as happy as they are tonight! Happier. You look like figures from a fairy tale.

  WILLIAM

  To Linda and Trevor.

  TOM

  To Freaky and Trev.

  LINDA

  Thank you, Mum. That was sweet of you.

  TREVOR

  And here’s to all of you. I feel very blessed to be here. Thank you for taking me in.

  TOM

  ‘Taking me in’ is not a happy phrase.

  TREVOR and LINDA drink a silent toast to one another. Everybody sips. A short silence.

  WILLIAM

  Trevor, you started to say something earlier and then appeared to think better of it. “Well, as a matter of fact…,” you said; and I felt sure something of significance was about to emerge.

  NORAH

  Darling, if he thought better of it, then obviously he’d rather not tell us what it was.

  WILLIAM

  It’s just that he started out so decisively. “Well, as a matter of fact…” And people’s first thoughts are always the ones I find most interesting.

  NORAH

  That’s only because you yourself launch into things without a moment’s hesitation, not caring what you say or even whom you say it to. Until afterwards, I mean, when inevitably you wriggle around in paroxysms of remorse, wondering whether so-and-so will have been hurt or so-and- so will consider you a fool or so-and-so will repeat what you’ve just said—or in extreme cases, of course, all three possibilities at once. I don’t think it’s the novelist in him, I think it’s more the Aries. Trevor, when’s your birthday; what’s your star sign?

  TREVOR

  I’m Sagittarius.

  NORAH

  Oh dear. Linda is Scorpio…Anyway, who believes in all that nonsense?

  WILLIAM

  My wife is supremely skilled in the art of drawing red herrings.

  NORAH

  She has to be.

  TREVOR

  I stopped saying what I was going to, because I was scared it might sound counterfeit—which, honestly, cross my heart, it wasn’t. You asked me not to call you sir since it made you feel so ancient. Well, my first thought on seeing you—as a matter of fact!—was that you couldn’t possibly be Linda’s father; you looked far too young. I still can’t quite believe it.

  TOM

  Forget about Scorpio and Sagittarius! Trev and Freaky—clearly, the two of you are soulmates!

  LINDA

  (Ignoring this) There, what did I tell you about Dad? Peter Pan himself.

  WILLIAM

  Trevor, that’s very kind of you.

  NORAH

  You’ve made yourself a friend for life.

  TREVOR

  Good. If that’s true nothing could please me more.

  TOM

  Are you really only twenty-one?

  TREVOR

  Why? Do I seem ancient?

  TOM

  Where do you get all the right words?

  NORAH

  Oh, yes. Please tell him.

  TREVOR

  Well, I think I’m just in luck tonight. You should hear me sometimes. It depends on whom I’m with—and here I feel very much at home.

  TOM

  Oh God. He’s done it again.

  NORAH

  And you notice he doesn’t blaspheme. That’s certainly a large part of it.

  TREVOR

  But any moment now I’m bound to take a fall. It’s dangerous to tempt providence.

  TOM

  By saying which, folks, he’s shown that—against all expectation—he’s fallible. He appears to have taken that fall.

  TREVOR

  How come?

  TOM

  Because if taking a fall is a direct reflection on the company you’re in…why at any moment were you expecting to take one?

  WILLIAM

  Convoluted, but I see your point.

  TOM

  Do I get another drink?

  WILLIAM

  No. Trevor, are you ready for some more?

  TREVOR

  No thanks. Not yet.

  TOM

  I’m obviously employing the wrong tactics. Wait…let me rack my brains. Dad, you must be the youngest-looking man ever to have a daughter about to be spliced. Honey chile, I jus’ carn believe it, it plum defies belief!

  WILLIAM

  Thank you. No go.

  TOM

  Yes, sir, the very youngest. Not to mention the most suntanned.

  TREVOR

  Yes…I was going to ask. Have you just come back from abroad?

  TOM

  Was it winter sports, Dad, or the Caribbean or was it something a little more exotic? Like the Leisure Centre? You know, Trev, they have almost real palms down at the Leisure Centre in this town. Dad rents a sunbed beneath them.

  WILLIAM

  And I go twice weekly. Weekly total: half an hour. It makes me feel good. I know it must sound very sinful.

  TOM

  Does your father look as madly sexy as ours?

  TREVOR

  My father’s getting on for sixty. Silver-haired, handsome and distinguished…although he could do with losing a bit of weight.

  NORAH

  My heart warms to him already. Can’t you tell that Trevor would never talk about his father the way you talk about yours?

  TOM

  Wobbles, surely you know my one concern is that it might dry out his skin?

  LINDA

  Anyway, if Dad’s still taking his cod liver oil, you can relax; that should help to keep it from getting all shrivelled and loose.

  TOM

  Phew! I was afraid it might simply fall off at an inconvenient moment—undoubtedly when one of my friends was present.

  WILLIAM

  (Pinching the skin on his wrist) Perhaps if I took lessons from a yogi I could learn to slough it off at will. (To NORAH) Now that would be something to control him with.

  TOM

  God, yes! Imagine having Dad’s baggy old skin held over you. Worse than the Bomb. I’d reform upon the instant. But may I have another drink before I do?

  WILLIAM

  Only if you go round beforehand refilling glasses. And don’t forget the soda water. Here, I think I’ll see to me first.

  TREVOR

  (To NORAH) Actually, in spite of what you said about my father and me, I can’t let you think we have an easy relationship. I do respect him, yes…but, though we both try, we can’t really talk to one another. There’s a distance between us which seems impossible to bridge. What goes on here—with these two—has infinitely more vitality. (To WILLIAM) Is it true you can actually bring yourself to take cod liver oil?…Now that’s what I call courage.

  WILLIAM

  Even if you begin by hating it, you very quickly reach the point where you wouldn’t be without it.

  NORAH

  I take it as well, if you’re handing out the plaudits. (To TOM) I take that, too, if you’re handing out the whisky.

  TREVOR

  No wonder you both look so fit.

  TOM

  You should see the vitamins they have beside their breakfast plates!

  NORAH

  Minerals and vitamins. Not so many. You make us sound like cranks.

  TOM

  Or hypochondriacs. (Looking at WILLIAM)

  WILLIAM

  I am not a hypochondriac.

  TOM

  Oh no? Who keeps thinking there might be something wrong with his heart, then? Who keeps testing his pulse rate when he believes there’s nobody looking? Who can’t bear to hear of anyone in their forties who suddenly drops dead?

  WILLIAM

  Whereas we all know it’s your favourite news item.

  TOM

  Yeah, I’d have it on my own personal Pick of the Week. Probably take it to my desert island.

  LINDA

  Honestly, listening to
you, Tom, anyone who didn’t know Dad would think he was the most terrible wimp. Well, let’s finally see which of you is the real wimp. How many press-ups can you do?

  TOM

  You freak! Probably a great many more than you.

  LINDA

  (To TREVOR) Do you know how many Dad does? Two hundred and fifty! At one go!

  TREVOR

  You’re joking. (To WILLIAM) Tell me she’s joking…At one go? Crumbs. If I could get up to fifty I should be amazed.

  TOM

  It doesn’t have much to do with strength. It’s far more a matter of practice. Like swimming.

  WILLIAM

  Swimming? Is that a matter of practice over strength? Why at eighty, then, can’t you swim so far as you did at forty?

  TOM

  Well, that’s stupid; it isn’t the same thing.

 

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