Seven-Sided Spy

by Hannah Carmack

  “It’s been decided for us. We’re the best agents they have.” Nikola didn’t sound convincing in her delivery.

  “The best agents?” Gulliver replied sharply, more aggressively than he’d intended, but unapologetic once it was done. “We’re not the best agents. We’re the agents who know about their fuckup. This is bollocks!”

  “We don’t have a choice in the matter, Gulliver,” she said. “Kal went through it. He recovered faster than the others, and he came out with as ugly a mug as he had before. We’re only going to get those three out of the woods if we can match them with equal strength.”

  Gulliver looked at his hands for a moment before clearing his throat and speaking evenly. “If you believe that, then why do you sound so fucking miserable yourself?”

  Nikola tensed. Her tone grew instantly colder with Gulliver. “I’m sorry. Did my kindness make you forget I’m your superior?” she shot back. “I am upset that it was their choice to make and not mine, but that does not mean I’m going to go off and throw a fit because of it.” Any form of exhaustion, any form of resignation, she’d had was gone. Gulliver could see it in her eyes.

  The only audible sound in the hotel room was the repetitive clanking of a box air conditioner. Gulliver stared down like his eyes could burn holes in the carpet. He buried his hands in his hair. “They can’t punish us for their mistakes.” He shook his head. “That’s simply not fair.” His hate was radiating now. His options here were so limited. “They can’t do that to me. I don’t give them permission to pull my insides apart and make me some kind of half-human hybrid. This is their problem. They can fix it.” He had a habit of crying when he got frustrated. He had since he was a boy. Today was no different. His eyes filled fast.

  “Comrade,” she said soothingly.

  “Don’t comrade me, Nikola! You don’t want this, either!” Gulliver’s words were bitter. He snapped up from the couch and started for his bag. Soon enough, he was packing everything.

  “The situation is less than ideal, but what are your other options?” She stretched back to where she could see him. “Defect? Spend the rest of your life on the run from the KGB?”

  “You defected from America. I’ve defected from the UK. Even Kal has shown more than once that his loyalty to the USSR is abysmal at best. The CIA losing three of their top agents? Not a problem for the KGB. The KGB losing three of their own subpar field agents, two of which are known defectors? Not a problem for the KGB, Nikola! They are experimenting on bodies that don’t matter. We are disposable. Once our mission has been fulfilled, I bet they kill us, too.”

  His words were toxic.

  “I feel sick.” Kal stood shakily, bracing himself against the hotel’s wallpapered interior. If he could have, Gulliver would go to him.

  “It’s obvious. We’re too big of a liability.” Gulliver shook his head. “We’ll kill the Americans and then the KGB will kill us and pretend like the program never happened.”

  Kal was paling, his already fair skin growing sallow, sweat drenched his chest and soaked through his button-up in a near instant. “Nikola.” His head shook. “I have my sisters.” The light in his eyes started to go.

  “Don’t get worked up over worst-case scenarios. They aren’t going to kill us.” She stood and approached Gulliver. “And if they try, we’ll stop them.”

  Gulliver snapped the lid of his suitcase shut. He looked back over to Kal, completely ignoring Nikola. “You wanna run? Then get moving, because I’m going.”

  “Comrades, I’m telling you to rethink this.” Nikola stood in front of them. She was shorter than both Kal and Gulliver, but far more foreboding than the two of them combined. “You are making the wrong choice,” she said coldly. “You think your family will starve if you stay, Kal? Imagine how dead they’ll be if you defect. KIA? At least, your family gets food, clothes, reward for your sacrifice. You defect? The KGB will hunt them down and squash them like bugs.” She turned her attention to Gulliver. “Sit your ass down. You’re rushing into things.”

  “You’re right. I’m rushing into things! Time is precious and I’m not wasting any. I’m getting the hell out of Dodge!” Gulliver shoved past her.

  “Gulliver, stop!” Nikola snatched his arm, her nails digging through the soft material of his sweater. “Stay with us,” she hissed.

  “Us? Kal is coming with me.” It didn’t dawn on Gulliver that Kal wouldn’t come, until he wasn’t. “You’re not.” His heart was hollowing. The idea of going on without him was wrenching, but one he’d have to get used to.

  “I must care for my sisters.” His voice was low, sad. “This may be the only way to keep providing for them.” Kal bowed his head, his gray eyes vanishing under his hair. “I think you should stay, but I know you must look out for yourself.”

  “You’re right.” Gulliver was crying again, despite his stiff upper lip and headstrong choice. “I do have to look out for myself.”

  “Gulliver.” Nikola tightened her grip on him. “Rethink this. Do you really want the entire USSR as your enemy?”

  “I’ve defected before. I’ll do it again,” Gulliver remained respectful. Two more minutes and he’d likely never see either of them again. He’d never see those agents in the woods again.

  Nikola let go, and he pulled his arm away. “Fine,” she said, “go out that door, and make yourself an enemy of the state.”

  “You both owe me at least a ten-minute start after all we’ve been through.” Gulliver walked to the door, and turned the knob with a sweaty palm. Nikola began to shout something behind him, but it was drowned out by the giant group of SWAT agents grabbing for him the moment he stepped outside of the room. There’d been an entire fleet of them beyond their door, waiting for the three of them like vultures.

  “Christ!” Gulliver needed to think fast. “I was getting a bloody Coke!” An all right improvisation. He’d have believed it if not for the suitcase in his hand. Luckily, he had back up.

  “I changed my mind!” Nikola’s voice came from behind the room’s closed door. “I want coffee!” Nikola busted out of the hotel room and gave the first SWAT agent she encountered a dirty look. “What are you all gawking at?”

  Gulliver, although disheveled, pulled it off. “I swear I am working hard on getting you that coffee, but there is literally a barricade out here.” He even mustered a laugh in between balancing the undeniable dread and relief that was washing over him. He’d never get to leave. This was his future now. But, he’d also never have to leave Kal.

  The faceless agents eventually loosened their collective grip.

  She gave the crowd a once-over, then scowled. “One of you, get me a drink.” She then grabbed Gulliver. “You, get packing.” She nudged him back toward the motel room.

  As the SWAT agents began to disperse, Gulliver and Nikola reentered the motel room, then slammed the door behind them.

  “We almost lost you.” Kal let out a long, slow exhale. Gulliver could see through his mask of civility and into his heart. This had drained him.

  “You two reflect so goddamn poorly on me,” Nikola snapped. “I am great at what I do.”

  It took their new posse of SWAT agents only five minutes to bring her coffee, and then it only took ten minutes for the three of them to pack up their belongings and get out to their chauffeured vehicle. The drive from New York to the Carolinas was long. So, everyone had time to watch as they sped along the highway, the stench of pesticide and cow wafting into the cramped cabin of an Econoline. Gulliver was sandwiched between Nikola and Kal in the back. The two grunts in the front were preoccupied flipping through channels of static looking for a salvageable signal.

  “Things will be fine, Gulliver.” Kal gently elbowed him, whispering barely above audible threshold.

  “Shut up, Kal.” He glared out the windshield, trying to stop himself from freaking out. There was no way out. He was trapped. “We’re going to fucking die.”

  “Change is good, comrades.” Nikola leaned in, her lips barely mo
ving and her gaze set on the driver.

  “Please,” Gulliver scoffed. “You’ve never changed, Nikola. Since the moment we met, you’ve never stopped playing the part of someone convinced she’s better than the rest of us.” Gulliver refused to make eye contact with either of them. He’d forgive them in time. He didn’t have it in him to stay this mad.

  “Mmmmmmm. Wallow in your self-pity then.” Nikola’s words dripped with sarcasm.

  Kal went back to whispering to Gulliver, and Nikola rolled her neck back onto the seat, lifting her face to the night sky. In reality, this was not the first time Nikola had changed because she was told to.

  *

  There was something spiritual about going to the gym in the mornings. The building had hardly any movement. There was no one there to interrupt, and the floors always smelled faintly of lemon-based cleaner. These were the times Nikola reveled in. This time of year, winter storms kept her confined to the indoors. So, she ran the smoothly finished indoor track. Her tight tennis shoes squeaked, the noise bouncing off the cold, hard walls of the empty building. She threw herself into every step, her heart rate to the heavens and muscles burning to the bone. The way she moved made it look as though her head was ready to bob off her shoulders. She clenched her jaw to help bear the pain. Sweat soaked her shirt and beads of perspiration ran down her face, desperate to fall to the floor. And despite all this pain, she kept pushing, until her ligaments and tendons grew weak and her legs loose and wobbling. As she approached the mile marker, she widened her strides. Her bones feeling like they were about to bow and break in two.

  The feeling of crossing the finish line was always the same. Her stomach knotted and her heart beat against her ribs. She huffed, wiping the sweat from her brow. Finishing a run was euphoric, painful but euphoric. She rejoiced in the accomplishment and the burn of lactic acid. She pulled her hair down from its ponytail and started toward the women’s locker room. Soon enough, the building would start to fill with agents from all walks of life, and Nikola would be at her desk filing paperwork. It was frustrating, being in administration, but they said it was necessary for her to work her way up the clearance-level ladder.

  The silence of the locker room was another calming aspect of the gym. It wasn’t silence with machines running in the background, the TV playing on low, or dogs running across linoleum in the kitchen—it was true silence. There was something meditative about it. But, before she could start her day, she had to purge.

  She walked into the bathroom stall casually, then checked over her shoulder one last time before sinking to the ground. She sat there for a while like she was waiting for a Pavlovian retch of the stomach. Eventually, as the post-run nausea began to settle in, Nikola stuck two fingers down her throat, against the hardness of the back of her mouth and the wetness of her tongue. She dry heaved once, bile retching its way up the esophagus. She dry heaved again and braced herself on the rim of the toilet with her free hand. This sent her crashing into the bathroom floor as she slipped on the sweat from her palm.

  “Christ,” she grunted, her hand grazing her now-bleeding nose. Nikola coughed in between deep breaths. She shook, pulled herself back up, and dry heaved until vomit and water filled the bowl as bile mixed with blood mixed with sweat. She kept purging until her throat was raw from the acid and she felt truly empty inside. This was also euphoric.

  She flushed away the lost contents of her stomach and walked out of the bathroom stall as though nothing had happened.

  At the sink, she let the water run for a moment before pooling it in her hands. It was hot and welcome on her cool skin. The blood and dried spit came off her face and vanished down the drain. The evidence gone. Her shoulders were tense. She kept her hands under the water until blood broke through the dry skin of her knuckles. After rubbing her hands raw, she shut the sink off and went to shower. It was quick and cold.

  Once done, she walked into the locker bay, opening her locker and grabbing her work clothes. Her small frame looked skeletal in the tight-fitting dress. When she looked at herself in the mirror, all dressed, she instinctively dug the tips of her weak fingernails into the palm of her hand as the frustration bubbled up. The running, the purge, it made her feel powerful. This made her feel trapped. It always made her feel trapped. She threw her fist out, her bloody knuckles smacking into a wall-bound paper towel dispenser, once, twice, three times. It didn’t make sense for her to keep hitting it, but she did.

  She bit her upper lip, shaking her head because she knew it was too late. The tears started and she felt even more helpless than before. Gradually, she intertwined her fingers with the damp and matted hair above her temples and gave it a hard tug. Soon enough, she’d be at her desk smiling, grabbing coffee for superiors, her tactical problem-solving still going unnoticed, all in hopes that her hard work would pay off and she’d end up on a real assignment as opposed to administrative duty. She was still fighting for control of herself when her meltdown was interrupted.

  “You know there’s more paper towels in the hall.” A feminine voice floated into the room.

  The sound of her voice sent Nikola reeling. She kept telling herself she needed to stop crying before turning around, and because of this, she didn’t initially respond.

  “Hello?” The woman’s voice sounded smooth like a pan of melted chocolate as moved closer to Nikola.

  Nikola coughed forcefully before clearing her throat and spinning around. Already muttering a halfhearted explanation. “I’ve just been under a—” Nikola stopped speaking when she saw the infamous woman in front of her. She was five foot eight and had a license to kill. Today’s ensemble was a tight purple piece and hair bigger than her ego. Nikola’s face flushed.

  Diana inspected Nikola unapologetically. “You’re Nikola, right?”

  Nikola lifted her brows as she realized that this goddess knew her name. “Yes. You’re Hera, right?”

  Diana smirked. “Was there any doubt?”

  “I’ll get out of your way,” Nikola muttered, picking up her still damp workout attire and purse. She had planned on doing her hair and makeup there, but from what she had heard, Diana could be difficult to work with. She wanted to get away as fast as possible. Keeping her eyes down, Nikola headed for the door, but Diana stopped her. Blocking her as she’d gone to pass by.

  “You should stay.” Diana sounded concerned. “You look unwell.” She placed a hand on Nikola’s shoulder.

  Nikola’s gaze perked up from the ground and landed on her. She examined Diana momentarily, determining whether to stay or go.

  Forcing herself to smile, Nikola bowed her head. “I feel fine. Thanks, though.” She shuffled to her locker, her thoughts in a flurry from this chance encounter.

  Diana came behind her and sweetly placed her hand on her arm. “Stay, I insist. I have been wanting to talk to you anyway.”

  Nikola didn’t want to be late. She wanted to be at her desk when she was supposed to at 7:00 a.m., but no one said no to the goddess. Not even someone as stubborn as Nikola. “All right.” Her mouth went dry. Her head was starting to reel from the earlier purge. She swayed.

  “There’s no reason to be afraid.” She laughed a melodic laugh. “You’re shaking. Have a seat.” Diana guided her to a bench in the bay and sat, patting beside her so Nikola would join her.

  “I, uh…thanks.” Nikola sat down, her hand on her head, trying to figure out if this was actually happening. In no world did Nikola see her and the goddess crossing paths, but here it was. “I’m fine, really. I just finished a workout.”

  “I saw.” Diana’s smile was gone. “I’ve been watching you for a few days now.”

  “Why?”

  “I just happened upon you here a few mornings ago when I dropped in early to see the director. You have a decent set of skills, Nikola. You’re agile, fast, strong for your size. I was interested after watching you train, so I dug further into your file. You’ve busted your ass over the last year. You’re a great problem-solver, a strong communicator, ev
eryone I spoke to about you spoke highly.” Diana shifted in her seat and tilted her face closer to Nikola’s, holding her gaze. “And it pains me to say this, but it would be a disservice to you if I didn’t say it. You’re not cut out to be an agent.”

  Nikola had been listening with her heart racing, waiting for Diana to say the words “field training,” waiting to finally be rescued from her sea of pencil pushing and paperwork, welcomed onto the field as a true equal, but then that last part came and Nikola felt her entire body shaking. Her face grew hotter.

  “Excuse me?” she said sharply.

  “The purging, the over-exercising. You’re not cut out to be an agent. You’re too indulgent.” Nikola was already ready to argue, but Diana quickly cut her off. “I’m doing you a favor. I’m saving you time. Get out of here and find something else to do with your life, because you will never leave that desk in administration.”

  “Take your advice and shove it up your ass, Miss Priss. My personal life is none of your business,” Nikola spat, already gathering up her bag and workout garb, ready to storm out the door.

  “Nikola, don’t waste your time. So long as you’re going to sabotage yourself, you will never be an agent like me. You’ll never be at my clearance. You’ll never get the kinds of missions I go on. You will never see that field. Clean up your act or go back to hobunk nowhere. I’m not telling you anything that isn’t true.” Diana crossed her legs and looked up at Nikola who was already halfway through the door.

  Nikola kept telling herself not to go off on Diana. A blow-up like this could get her fired. A blow-up like this would be the end of the career, but the moment Diana said “Hobunk nowhere,” a blow-up like this was worth it.

  Nikola kept her voice calm and her words calculated in delivering a string of insults. “I know it’s hard to imagine a female agent who doesn’t want to be like you, but they do exist.” Nikola turned on her heel and walked closer to the sitting diva. “Some of us don’t have the tits, ass, and need to sleep around for secrets. Some of us can do our job without the frills and charlataning.” Nikola bent, crouched down to be exactly at Diana’s eye level. “So I guess you’re right. I’ll never be a spy like you. We can’t all sleep around like Hera and Adams, some of us are better.”