A Lee Martinez

by Divine Misfortune (v5)

  “I don’t honestly know,” she said.

  “So you wouldn’t mind if I devoured our mortal friend right now?”

  “Be my guest,” she said.

  Gorgoz licked his lips. Phil stepped behind Quick.

  “He’s just one mortal,” said Quetzalcoatl. “You’ve proven your point. You’ve won. Your power is greater than Lucky’s. What would killing this poor speck accomplish?”

  “What does letting him live accomplish? He’s just a speck. Why should his life or death matter to any of us? He’s not a king or a president or a dragon-slaying hero. I might understand if this was Perseus or Gilgamesh. But this is Phil Robinson. Even the name is unremarkable.” He pointed to Worthington. “Roger, go find a phone book. Tell me how many Phil Robinsons are listed in it.”

  “Yes, Master.”

  Gorgoz stopped him from leaving.

  “I was just kidding, Roger.”

  “Very amusing, Master.”

  “Get a load of this guy. And I thought Attila the Hun was a wet blanket.” Gorgoz slapped Worthington on the shoulder. “You know I love you, buddy. Well, as much as I love any crumb of flesh that keeps me in tribute and chicken fingers.”

  Gorgoz took back his turkey and sheared off another bite.

  “Phil stays with me. Until I get bored with him. Or I’m looking for a change of pace from chicken fingers.”

  Syph sighed. “All right, I’m still not really clear why I’m here, but I guess it has something to do with this mortal. Gorgie, are you sure you wouldn’t change your mind? As a personal favor to me?”

  She tried to smile coyly. But she was out of practice and failed miserably.

  “I’d be very grateful.”

  Gorgoz stifled a chortle.

  “What?” she asked.

  He burst out laughing.

  “Oh, Quick. Please don’t tell me you brought her here to persuade me. That is priceless.”

  “But you love me,” said Syph.

  Gorgoz chuckled, wiping a tear from his eye. “Love is a bit of an overstatement. You were hot. I was horny.”

  “But what about Lucky?” asked Quick. “I thought you hated him.”

  “I do.”

  Gorgoz’s huge eyes opened even wider.

  “You don’t mean to tell me that Lucky thought that I was angry with him because of her?” He pointed to Syph. “Her?”

  Syph smoldered.

  “That’s absurd,” said Gorgoz. “I may be petty and vindictive, but even I know a fling is just a fling.”

  Quick said, “Then why the hell do you hate Lucky?”

  Gorgoz hesitated.

  “Y’know, I can’t quite remember.” He laughed. “Isn’t that funny? I’m sure it was for a very good reason.”

  Syph rose from her chair. “But you said you would fill the oceans with blood and cover the continents with bones. You promised you’d destroy universes for me.”

  “That was just pillow talk, baby.”

  Phil sized up Gorgoz in all his physical and spiritual repulsiveness. Gods were more flexible when it came to sleeping around, and Syph was no prize herself. But he still thought she could do better.

  Gorgoz yawned. “I’m bored now. Roger, show our guests the door while Phil and I break out the checkers. I call red.”

  Syph pounced on the god. She roared.

  “You son of a bitch! I’ll see you chained to Atlas’s armpit and reduced to a pile of bleached, wasted flesh!”

  Gorgoz blinked. “Wow. Now that’s the kind of goddess I can respect.”

  She hurled him into the fireplace. Flame exploded. Brick crumbled. The moose head mounted above the mantel fell onto the pile of rubble. She cracked her knuckles and narrowed her eyes.

  “This could be bad,” said Quick.

  The moose head rose with Gorgoz underneath it.

  “Okay, okay. I guess I can throw you a mercy screw if it’ll cool you down.”

  Syph, abandoning any divine subtlety, hurled herself into Gorgoz. They crashed through the wall and out of the room.

  “Hell hath no fury…” observed Quick.

  This wasn’t what he’d had in mind when bringing Syph, but a distraction was a distraction. The manor rattled with Syph and Gorgoz’s howls. Worthington took advantage of the situation to bolt from the room.

  “You better get out of here, Phil.”

  “But what about you?”

  “Don’t worry about me. I’m not sure how long Syph and I can keep him occupied.”

  “But—”

  “Damn it, go!” Quick transformed into a ten-foot-tall golden warrior with blazing eyes and bloody tattoos. “I can take care of myself.”

  “Be careful.”

  Quick nodded. “You, too.”

  He walked toward the sounds of battle.

  Gorgoz had transformed into his hideous primal form, that of a dark green giant with three heads and four legs. Syph, a burning, pale goddess of rage, wrestled with the giant. She tore pieces of his flesh with her bare hands.

  It was all so ridiculous, thought Quick. Direct conflict between immortals was little more than a cosmic pissing contest. It was possible to win, to hurt a god so badly that it took him a few minutes to recover. But that was about it.

  A few minutes might help Phil get away, though, so Quick tightened his grip on his onyx spear and waded into the fray.

  The house shook with the fury of the gods. The structure wasn’t zoned for divine brawling. When Quick’s spear pierced Gorgoz’s thigh, the dark god’s shriek burst the pipes, spewing scalding steam into the air. When Gorgoz snapped off the spear and smashed Quick with the broken handle, a load-bearing wall cracked and a section of the roof collapsed. And when Syph bit Gorgoz in a very sensitive place, the windows blew out. In the matter of a few seconds, the house was a death trap.

  Phil navigated the deadly maze. He was nearly buried under a collapsing hallway, he almost fell into a bottomless pit, and he dodged a miniature tornado as it tore its way across his path.

  Phil didn’t know where he was going. He didn’t know the mansion’s layout and the chaos didn’t help any. He was just trying to find a way out without getting killed.

  He pushed through a cloud of smoke and collided with someone.

  “Watch it, you idiot!” growled Worthington.

  Each man waited for the other to make the first move. Phil put his hands up, closed them into fists, and then flinched when he thought Worthington was going to attack. But he realized that Worthington was doing the exact same series of gestures.

  A grand piano came crashing through a wall and nearly hit both men. They both decided, without saying a word, that they were just a pair of mere mortals trying to survive. Worthington ran, and Phil, trusting Worthington knew the way around his own crumbling house, followed.

  They found the garage. The roof had collapsed, crushing the Mercedes and the Hummer. Worthington jumped into the Jag, and Phil climbed into the passenger seat. The car started up, and Worthington peeled out of the garage just as it collapsed into a pile of rubble.

  There was a blinding flash and a sonic boom. A giant piece of flaming debris fell from the sky, landing directly in the Jag’s path. Worthington jerked the wheel, losing control. The vehicle tore up his manicured lawn, flattening several bushes. He slammed on the brakes. The Jag spun out, sideswiping a tree. He hit his head on the steering wheel, which rattled him.

  Phil’s seat belt had prevented any serious injury. He had a few bruises, and his side hurt whenever he took a deep breath. He climbed out of the vehicle on unsteady legs.

  The flaming mound of debris thrashed about in a painful twitch. It was Quick, back in his rainbow serpent shape. He shrank, writhing and groaning as the flames went out. Phil knelt beside the charred, withered god. He didn’t dare touch Quick, who looked as if he might crumble into ash at any moment.

  Quick raised his head and smiled painfully. “I’ll be fine.”

  “Oh, yes, he’ll be fine,” said Gorgoz from behind Phi
l.

  The god strode toward Phil. Gorgoz dragged Syph, bloody and battered, by the hair. The goddess had been beaten to a pulp. Bruises and cuts covered every inch of her pale skin. Gorgoz wasn’t without his own wounds. Lacerations oozed putrid bile and half his face had been torn away. Still, he was the only god walking at the moment.

  “Sad, really. Are there no real powers left?” He tossed Syph away like a piece of refuse.

  Quick rose. One of his wings broke off, and he winced. He slithered between Gorgoz and Phil.

  “Do we really have to keep doing this?” asked Gorgoz. “Take a look at yourself. You’re no match for me. Maybe in your prime.” He laughed. “No, let’s be honest. Not even then.

  “Don’t you see? Quick, you’re a shadow of everything you once stood for. Oblivion and chaos are the only constant. The mortals may deny it, but you should know better. We all should know better. And if I have to destroy every single man, woman, and child on Earth to free us of their weakness, then so be it.” He leered at Phil. “And this one is just as good a start as any.”

  Teri’s coupe, horn blasting, came crashing through the front gate. The indestructible car zoomed toward Gorgoz. It collided with him. Under normal circumstances, it would’ve bounced harmlessly off the god, but he was still weakened from his recent battle. The power of a Hephaestus-driven motor carried him forward. The coupe smashed into Worthington’s Jag, pinning the god between the two vehicles.

  Gorgoz strained to free himself. The car’s wheels spun in the lawn, pushing back.

  Teri jumped out of her car. The vehicle’s navigation charm kept the wheels turning.

  “I thought I told you to stay home,” said Quick.

  “You’re not my god.”

  Phil and Teri hugged. He winced as she squeezed a bit too tight.

  “You are such an idiot,” she said.

  “I missed you, too.”

  Syph had recovered enough to stand. She studied the two embracing mortals from a distance, both physical and metaphorical. It’d been a long time since she’d seen anything of the sort. It wasn’t that mortal affection was difficult to find, but her own influence made it a rarity for her.

  Quick peeled away his ashen skin to reveal fresh scales. “See? Not all romance is doomed.”

  She shrugged. “Eh, give it a few years.”

  Gorgoz flipped the coupe into the air. The vehicle bounced several times, landing on its side.

  Roaring, he hefted the Jag with Worthington still inside and hurled it. Quick and Syph deflected the vehicle.

  “Oh, shit,” said Worthington, just before crashing into his crumbling mansion. The entire building collapsed, burying him and his ambitions in one unceremonious instant.

  “Whoops,” said Gorgoz. He hadn’t meant to kill Worthington. While he wasn’t the kind of god to regret the loss of one insignificant mortal life, he also preferred to kill his disciples on purpose. Otherwise, it just didn’t seem as enjoyable. Like eating a particularly tasty potato chip and only realizing afterward.

  Quick and Syph braced themselves for Gorgoz’s charge. He batted them aside like paper dolls. Phil and Teri cowered before the furious god.

  A globe of light shot from the sky, engulfed the mortals, and swept them out of the way. Lucky and his globe of light soared over the raging Gorgoz.

  “You came back,” said Teri.

  “Did you ever doubt I would?” asked Lucky. He followed that up with a hasty, “Don’t answer that.”

  Gorgoz expanded. He fired a few blasts of shadow at the globe, which Lucky dodged.

  “Face me like a true god, you coward,” said Gorgoz.

  Lucky touched down in front of the enormous deity. He stood between Phil and Teri and the furious Gorgoz.

  “Okay,” said Lucky. “This ends now.”

  “You’re braver than I gave you credit for. Now watch, foolish mortals, as I rend your pathetic god limb from limb and set his bones to bleach in immortal agony until the end of time itself. Steal my girlfriend, will you?”

  “I knew it!” said Syph. “You did start this vendetta because of me!”

  “You? No, it was never about you. It was about me. No one takes what is rightfully mine. No one.” Gorgoz growled. “And now you will finally pay.”

  “Ain’t gonna happen,” said Lucky.

  “Your arrogance is only matched by your—”

  Lucky pointed his finger at Gorgoz and winked.

  “Bang.”

  Gorgoz exploded in a small mushroom cloud. Lucky’s power kept Teri and Phil from being disintegrated, but the rest of the area was engulfed in righteous atomic fire. The blast shook the ground and scorched the earth bare. It took thirty seconds for the sound of the explosion to fade and a full minute for Teri and Phil’s vision to clear enough for them to see Gorgoz standing there, seared but otherwise unharmed.

  Gorgoz chuckled.

  “Nice try.”

  Lucky shrugged. “Worth a shot.”

  “Anything else?” asked Gorgoz. “Anything at all?”

  “No, that’s it from me. Almost every ounce of saved power I had in me.” He turned to Phil and Teri and lowered his sunglasses. “Don’t worry, kids. I have enough left over to protect you from what’s coming.”

  “You couldn’t be more wrong,” said Gorgoz.

  “I hate to break it to you, buddy, but this isn’t going to play out the way you expect. I know you were looking forward to beating the ever-living crap out of me in front of these two lovely mortals. But did you take a moment to ask yourself what that will really accomplish? Other than giving you a sick thrill?”

  “Isn’t that enough?”

  Lucky sighed.

  “You really are an asshole.”

  Gorgoz shrugged. “It’s my nature.”

  The skies rumbled. The startled Gorgoz raised his eyes heavenward as a thunderbolt struck beside Lucky. Zeus, towering King of Olympus in all his golden-tracksuit, tanned, silver-bearded glory, materialized.

  Mut, in the form of a white vulture, settled on the other side of Lucky. The bird transformed into the striking goddess, wearing a red dress, carrying a staff topped with a golden ankh.

  She was followed by Marduk, a twenty-foot deity who just fell from the sky without any show other than the tremendous, earth-shaking thud of his landing.

  “See?” said Lucky. “Unlike everyone else involved in this little fiasco, I had the good sense to call in a little backup. You’ve overextended yourself. Even the big guns of the heavens can’t ignore it any longer.”

  “This is all you have?” Gorgoz laughed as he crackled with cosmic darkness. “It will take more than these three to stop me.”

  “We know,” said Lucky with a smile.

  The sky spit out several more deities. Chernobog, horned god of darkness, and Yongwang, dragon of the sea (wearing his seldom-used dragon form) floated downward. Lacambui, in all his divine plumpness, with a bucket of chicken in one hand and a blazing sword in the other, descended beside Nanook, astride an elephant-size polar bear. Jurupari, Pele, Izanami, Bobbi-Bobbi, and Kunapipi were right behind them.

  “Am I supposed to be impressed? Frightened?” Gorgoz roared at the gods. “I will crush you all and cast you into—”

  Lucky cleared his throat.

  “We’re not done yet.”

  The skies opened again, and a barrage of lesser deities spilled forth. Vesta, Fabulinus, and Ogma were among the most prominent of the obscure. But there were a dozen others among them. Gods of accounting, ichthyology, baking, bricklaying, and footwear. Goddesses of gambling, dreaming, agriculture, dowsing, and writing. Nearly every sphere of human endeavor was represented among the divine gathering. Except for the god of overkill. But his presence was hardly necessary.

  Gorgoz’s eyes widened.

  “Congrats, buddy,” said Lucky. “You’ve managed to do what no other force in all the universe has accomplished. You’ve united the heavens themselves. No squabbling, no bickering, no grabs for glory. We all agree on
this one.”

  Divine power surged in the assembled gods. The sky turned red, and the earth quaked.

  Lucky lowered his sunglasses to the tip of his nose.

  “You’ve got to go.”

  The explosion of divine force was beyond any earthly measure. It could’ve easily split the planet in two and caused the sun to blink out of sheer embarrassment for its meager output. The destruction was only a portion of the power unleashed. Half the gods were there simply to contain the force and keep it from wreaking irreparable damage to the mortal sphere. It was mostly successful, though the city’s water did transmute to grape soda and every pregnant dog on Earth gave spontaneous birth to a litter of winged puppies. Jormungandr, the world serpent, stirred in the ocean’s depths, but a glance at his calendar informed him that Ragnarok wasn’t due for at least another two millennia, so he rolled over and went back to sleep.

  Phil and Teri, encased in Lucky’s protective globe, shielded their eyes from the dazzling white light. The blast was completely silent, except for the far, far cry of Gorgoz.

  It was over quickly.

  Lucky dropped his shield. A crater was all that was left of Worthington’s estate. And Gorgoz sat at the very bottom, looking very, very small.

  “Be right back, kids.”

  Lucky floated to the bottom of the crater. Gorgoz, being only two inches tall, stripped of every ounce of power, glared.

  “You cheated,” said Gorgoz in a squeaky voice.

  Lucky plucked Gorgoz up by the scruff of the neck. “My mistake. I didn’t know there were rules.”

  One of Hephaestus’s golden executives presented an adamantite cat carrier. Lucky chucked Gorgoz into it.

  “Catch you later, Gorg.”

  The golden woman and most of the gods ascended into the heavens without saying a word.

  Lucky returned to Phil and Teri’s side. He winked at Zeus and Mut, the last two remaining divinities.

  “Thanks for the help, guys.”

  Zeus and Mut looked down on the mortals and their god.

  “Yes, thank you,” said Phil.

  Teri stepped forward. “Could I possibly trouble you for an autograph? It’s not for me. It’s for a friend of mine. She’s a big fan.”

  Grinning, Zeus and Mut disappeared in a burst of light and a clap of thunder. Two autographed photos were left in their place.