Call Me Cockroach: Based on a True Story

by Leigh Byrne

  Later, the kids and I loaded in the car and followed Dani to her house. With Molly’s help, I wrote down the exact directions so I wouldn’t get lost when I drove there on my own. The following week, while Chad was at work, I took the kids and went to Dani’s almost every night so they could get comfortable with her and her house.

  One Friday evening when we were at Dani’s house, the time felt right. I asked Molly to stay with Daryl and the twins while Dani and I ran an errand. Then we went to the house and got some clothes for the kids and me. While I was there, I left Chad a note to let him know I was gone for good. When Dani and I returned to her house, I told the kids we were staying the night because it was too late to drive home. Daryl was thrilled to sleep over with the twins, and Molly seemed okay with it too.

  The next morning after breakfast, when I started getting ready for work, the kids knew something was up. I was in Dani’s bathroom putting on my make-up when Molly and Daryl appeared at the door. “When are we going home, Mama?” Molly asked. “Are you taking us before you go to work?”

  “No honey. You’re going to stay with Dani today while I’m at work. I only work until noon, so it’ll only be for a little while.”

  “Are we going home after you get off work?” she asked.

  “I thought we would stay here with Dani again tonight. You guys like Dani, don’t you?”

  “Yeah, we like her,” Molly said. Being the big sister now, she’d taken it upon herself to speak for Daryl too. “But we’re ready to go home now.”

  “We can’t go home, Molly. Your daddy and I don’t want to live together anymore, and I want you and Daryl with me.”

  They both glared at me, stunned. I could tell from their faces the news was a complete shock. That was my fault. To them, Mama and Daddy were happy together. Chad was happy. His needs were basic. As long as he had his hunting and fishing, his beer and sex, supper on the table by five, life was good. I was the one who had done them a great injustice by faking happiness to make my life easier.

  “Did Daddy say he didn’t want us to live there anymore?” Molly asked.

  “No, but he told me he was going to divorce me if I didn’t quit my job.”

  “So quit,” she said. “Daddy says you don’t have to work anyway.”

  “But honey, I don’t want to quit my job. It’s the only thing I have outside of you and Daryl. And I like having my own money. You understand that, don’t you?”

  “Daddy will give you money.”

  “It’s not the same.”

  “So you’re leaving Daddy so you don’t have to quit your job?”

  “No, that’s only one reason. There’s more; like he doesn’t want me to go anywhere without him. But I don’t want to get into all that right now.”

  “Where do you have to go without Daddy?”

  “Well, like I said, my job and shopping… and maybe to college someday.”

  “What did Daddy say when you told him you were leaving?”

  “He didn’t say anything; he wasn’t there. That’s where Dani and I went last night, to get some of our clothes.”

  “Why did you do that?” she asked, angrily. “Now Daddy will think I wanted to leave too and I didn’t!” I should have known Molly would rebel. She had always been a daddy’s girl.

  “I wrote a note. I had to do it that way. You know your daddy; he would have been really ugly if I’d tried to leave while he was there.”

  She looked at me like it was the end of the world. Regardless of what I told her she wasn’t going to understand. To Molly and Daryl there was no reason for us to leave because our life at home was perfect. Daddy paid the bills and Mama cooked and cleaned the house. We went to Grandma’s on the weekends. Summertime meant fishing and trips to the sandbar, and of course, the fair. They knew what to expect. They liked the structure. Structure equaled safety.

  “Honey, do you remember me telling you that your other grandmother, Mama Rose, was mean to me when I was a little girl?” Molly nodded her head. “Well, it’s part of the reason why I need my freedom—I’ve never really had any. I know this is hard for you to understand, but I feel like a prisoner when I’m with your daddy.”

  “But Daddy’s always been good to you.”

  She didn’t know the whole story, the fights, the drinking, the time he pulled a gun on us, and she didn’t need to. “Your daddy is a good provider and he’s a good father too. It’s just that… you see, your daddy and I have grown to have different goals in life. I want to go to college, and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in Sullivan.”

  “But I like Sullivan!” Molly’s eyes were tearful; her cheeks were bright pink. She was accustomed to getting her way. How could we have kept from spoiling such a darling child? “We’re never going back home? When will I see Daddy?”

  “You’ll see your Daddy on the weekends and whenever you want to.”

  “Are we going to live here forever?”

  “No, this is only temporary until I can find us a place of our own.”

  “I just want to go home!” she cried. “Why can’t we all go home?”

  “Honey, I can’t take you now, I have to go to work. If you want to go that bad, I’ll drive you home this afternoon, but I’ll only be dropping you off. I’m coming back here to stay with Dani until I can find us a place to live.”

  After work, I called Chad and told him I was bringing Molly and Daryl home until I could find an apartment. He was out-of-character calm, which was an unsettling sign.

  “I got your note,” he said. His voice was hoarse as if he’d spent the previous night yelling. Or crying? “It was a hell of a way to break it to me, Tuesday.”

  “I’m sorry, but we both know what would’ve happened if I’d tried to leave while you were there.”

  “Tuesday, quit being stupid and come back home.”

  “No. I’m not coming home. I won’t allow you to control me anymore.” Saying the words was empowering and exhilarating—I was reclaiming the independence he’d taken from me. I had been afraid to leave him, and because of that, I had allowed him to dictate my life for ten years. It was my now-look-who-has-no-choice moment.

  “What the hell’s wrong with you? If the damn job means that much then you can keep it.”

  “It’s too late, Chad. You wanted a divorce and that’s what you’re getting.” It felt good to wad up his threat and throw it back in his face.

  “How are you going to pay for an apartment working part-time at Ashley’s? You can’t make it on your own,” he said. “You’ll be back.”

  “No, Chad, you’re wrong. Even if I have to live on the streets, I’m never coming back.”

  GOING BACK

  The following Monday, I filed the divorce papers and found an apartment. I thought it would be a good idea to put some distance between Chad and me, so I rented a place in Uniontown that had once been a motel before the rooms were remodeled into studio apartments. It had a furnished living room/kitchen combo and one tiny bedroom—a giant leap down from the house we were accustomed to. But it was all I could afford and a quick fix for the kids.

  Molly hated the apartment the minute she walked in. The whole place was barely bigger than her room at home. “Where will I sleep,” she asked, looking around.

  “It looks like we’re all going to have to sleep in the same room for a while. It’ll be fun!”

  “Where’s the kitchen?”

  “Over there.” I pointed across the dingy living room to a wall with a sink, a two burner stove and a waist high refrigerator. “Isn’t it cozy?”

  She scowled and stomped over to the ragged sofa and plopped down.

  Daryl, on the other hand, made a quick transition. He befriended a black boy around his age who lived next door, and they spent their days shooting basketball in a goal someone had erected in front of the complex. Daryl didn’t have much to say about the separation. Molly did all the talking for the two of them. He, like his daddy, had never been a big talker, but now he was even quieter tha
n usual. This concerned me. I wished he would lash out, like Molly, instead of keeping it all in.

  Not long after we moved into the apartment, Dani and I needed some relief from the stress of our impending divorces. We were ready for our first girl’s night out as free women. We scraped together a few dollars and offered to pay Molly if she would watch Daryl and the twins while we went out. She wasn’t happy about the idea, but reluctantly agreed.

  There was nowhere for us to go in Uniontown, so we decided to try a dance club we’d heard about in Henderson, a few miles away. We curled and teased our hair, making it as big as we could, lined our eyes inside and out, put on the best dresses we owned, and headed out to party. Neither one of us had ever been to a dance club before.

  The club was packed and the energy inside was intoxicating. Rhythmic music blared out over clean-cut men in plaid oxford shirts, and pretty, young women wearing revealing tops and skin-tight jeans. We weren’t sure what to do when we walked in. Dani didn’t drink, and neither of us had any money, so we stood by the door and watched everybody else have fun.

  Before too long, we were both asked to dance. I didn’t know about Dani, but I’d never danced before, except in the privacy of my home. When we got out on the floor, we figured out there was no structure—everyone created their own freeform movements. When we realized how easy it was, we both came alive with the music, and discovered something new about ourselves—we loved to dance. We couldn’t get enough. If nobody asked us, we danced with each other.

  Everything was going great. Men were buying me drinks, and there was no shortage of interesting people to talk to. Then I spotted Chad at the bar staring at me and everything went to hell. Did he troll the bars and dance clubs until he found me? Or is he just trying to move on with his life too? After all, it is the only decent place to go within twenty miles.

  Chad made his way across the dance floor through the sweaty, swaying bodies to where I was standing. “I found out why you’re really leaving me,” he said, blankly. After ten years of marriage, I thought I knew Chad well, but this time I couldn’t read what he was thinking from his expressionless face. Is he hurt? Is he furious? What is his next move? “A camel jockey,” he yelled, his voice resounding through the music. “You’re leaving me for a fuckin’ camel jockey!”

  “Chad, let’s talk about this somewhere else.” I walked toward the door, and he followed. Dani came off the dance floor and joined us.

  “A fuckin towelhead!” he screamed as soon as we got outside. “All that shit about control and independence was a lie!”

  “No it wasn’t! Yes, I’ve been seeing someone as a friend, but I’m not leaving you to be with him.”

  “You’ve been seeing someone? You mean you’ve been fucking someone!”

  “No I haven’t! We started out as friends.”

  “You expect me to buy that load of crap?”

  “It makes no difference to me what you think anymore. I don’t want to be with you.”

  “I can’t believe your breaking up our family for a camel jockey! How can you do this to our kids?” He shoved me. “You slut!”

  Dani came over and got between Chad and me. “Who in the fuck are you?” he said, pushing her to the ground.

  When I saw Dani on the blacktop in her new blue dress, I remembered why I was divorcing Chad. “Leave us alone!” I told him. “Or I’ll have a bouncer throw your scrawny ass in the street!”

  I helped Dani up. “Did he hurt you?” I asked.

  “Nah, I’m tough,” she said. “Maybe it’s time for us to leave though.” I nodded my head in agreement. We hurried to Dani’s car and pulled out of the parking lot.

  “You’re right;” Dani said. “He’s mean, and he’s an asshole too!”

  “Dani, I’m so sorry.”

  “Don’t be. It’s not your fault you married an asshole. I married one too.”

  We both laughed.

  “Who the hell is the camel jockey?”

  I hadn’t told her about Matt. There had been so much going on with us, I honestly hadn’t thought of it. “His name’s Matt and he’s someone I’ve been seeing every now and then.”

  “Why did Chad call him a camel jockey?”

  “He’s from the middle east. You know how rednecks are.”

  “Wait a minute; I know this guy. He’s a good looking dark-haired man, right? I think his last name is Demir, or something like that?”

  “Yes. How do you know him?”

  “Sometimes while I’m working, I stop in businesses and visit with people I know.” She crinkled her nose. “I’m not sure about this guy, Tuesday. I’ve seen him everywhere, and I know a lot of women he’s come on to. I think he’s a player.”

  This news did not surprise me or upset me in the least. My indifference helped me to better understand how Matt fit into my life. “Really? Thanks for the head’s up.”

  As time went by, it got harder and harder to get Molly to come back with me when I picked her up from Chad’s. And then the whole time she was with me she complained about missing her bed, her stuff, and the big screen TV.

  “I want to live at home with Daddy,” she said, after less than a month in the motel apartment.

  I knew Chad would never go for the kids living with him, so I wasn’t too worried about what she was saying coming to fruition, but I was still hurt that she’d even said it. My heart was crying, but on the outside you would never have known. As a child, I’d learned to turn my emotions off during Mama’s belittlement and torture games, so she wouldn’t know she was hurting me, because when she found something she knew caused me pain she always did it more. This protective mechanism had worked for me then, but as an adult, made me sometimes come off as cold and insensitive. “Did you tell your Daddy about this?”

  “Yep, and he said it’s okay.”

  He’s probably bluffing again to try to get me to come back home. “Is that so? What will you do while he’s at work?”

  “The same thing I do while you’re at work. Only when we’re with Daddy, sometimes we stay with Grandma or Aunt Lilly.”

  “Who will cook for you?”

  “Daddy can make hamburgers and spaghetti. Grandma cooks for us most of the time anyway.”

  Damn it Bobbi. I should have known you’d step in. How could I compete with Chad’s family support? I had no one to help me, except Dani, and she had her hands full as it was. “How nice of Grandma,” I said.

  “Daddy needs me. He’s sad by himself.” Molly said, boldly. “You’re not even sad without him. You have Dani and you go out and dance.”

  The relief from being out from under Chad’s watch must have shown. “Your daddy has his family. They can keep him company.”

  “He says it’s not the same as us.”

  “Well I need you too Molly!”

  “Not as much as Daddy. He said you have a boyfriend. Daddy called him a towel head. We hate towel heads.”

  “I don’t have a boyfriend… not like your daddy thinks… and the man he’s talking about is just a friend.”

  “Daddy said you want a divorce so you can be with your boyfriend.”

  “That’s not true!”

  Right there I stopped, stepped back and took inventory of the situation. To Molly, I was the bad guy—the one who had ruined everything. In her eyes, Chad was the victim, the underdog. He had made it clear he wanted me to come back home and that he didn’t want a divorce, which left me scrambling for reasons for single-handedly breaking up our family. The reasons I gave felt valid in my heart, but came out of my mouth sounding selfish and trivial.

  I looked over at Daryl, who was watching TV. “What about you, honey. What do you want to do?”

  “I don’t care,” he said in a disinterested tone. “I don’t want to go to school here, though. All my friends are in Sullivan.”

  “Sullivan’s not far away; I can drive you and pick you up in the afternoons.”

  He turned to his sister. “What are you gonna do, Molly?”

  �
��I’m living with Dad. He needs me. He doesn’t have a girlfriend,” she said, cutting her eyes at me.

  “I told you I don’t have a boyfriend!” Do I?

  Daryl looked away from the TV. “Mama, if I live with you and Molly doesn’t, who will stay with me while you’re at work?” he asked.

  I hadn’t even thought of that. To help me out financially, Becky had increased my hours, so I’d started working nights and weekends—anytime I could. Dani had her mother to keep her twins. I didn’t have a mother. I didn’t have anyone. And I couldn’t afford a sitter every day.

  “I don’t know right now; I’ll have to come up with something.”

  “I better live with Dad then,” said Daryl. “Grandma will let me stay with her.” He turned back to the TV.

  This wasn’t supposed to happen. The mother always gets the kids. I reminded myself that Chad would not want Molly and Daryl to live with him once he realizes he can’t use them to blackmail me into coming back home. “Your dad is not totally innocent in all this, you know.”

  “I know,” Molly said. “He told me he did some things wrong, but he’s sorry, and now he’s trying to get you back. You won’t even try to get back together. You could at least try!”

  Daryl got up from watching TV. “Yeah, Mom; you could at least try.”

  Maybe I owe them the effort to try to work things out with their daddy. Maybe I owe it to Chad.

  Chad had grown up in an atmosphere where family always came first and stayed together at all cost. I was raised the same way. Sort of. Countless times I watched Mama beat Daddy in the face with the backs of both her fists, and he took her punches without putting his hands on her. Watching this, I’d wondered why he didn’t leave her. He saw her beat me in the same way. But did he desert her even then? No. Because he didn’t want to break up the family.

  “Yes, you’re right; I could give it a try, and I’ll think about it, but only if you’ll try to live in this apartment for a while first.”