One

by Mari Arden

  Slowly, I close my eyes, unable to look at his face, unable to hear any more of this. In that second, I feel my whole world slipping away, drifting as if it was never real. Maybe it wasn't.

  "I tried to make it work with her. She loved me so much. In my own way I loved her as well," he admits. I tremble. "I stayed with her for a year and a half. I tried to make it work," he repeats as if he's trying to convince himself. "I tried to show her love the way she was showing to me, but I just couldn't. It got to a point where I was making up excuses not to see her. I was lying about where I was going. I knew it hurt her, but I couldn't stop. I held on because I felt obligated to hold on. She was the woman who'd help save my life. I owed her. I needed to stay."

  He looks away. "I'm ashamed of what I did, Jules. I made us both miserable for a long time because I was too much of a coward to leave. Eventually, I decided to grow some balls. I know how short life can be. Did I want to waste it doing this? Did I want to waste her life by doing this? So I ended it. I walked away."

  I'm crying now. There are no thoughts in my head, only pain in my heart.

  "The truth is," he continues, "Alaina still thinks she's in love with me. She thinks we should get back together." I flinch. The words make me sick. "But I know she's wrong. Deep in her heart she doesn't want to get back with me. She doesn't," he insists when he sees my expression of disbelief. "I'm her first love, and the first man who didn't succumb to her charms right away. She sees me as a challenge she has to conquer. The truth is if I was happy with her, if we were just a normal couple, she'd have broken it off by now. She's a chaser, a go getter. Once she gets you, she becomes bored and eventually moves on to her next challenge."

  His voice lowers. "She doesn't love me, Jules. I'm a thing she wants. That's all I ever was and all I'll ever be." His hand touches my face. I squeeze my eyes tighter together. I can't bear to look at him. "Jules, please. I love you. Please don't do this."

  I pretend my heart isn't breaking. I pretend my body's not begging for more of his touch. "A man who loves me wouldn't be kissing another woman," I finally reply in the coldest voice I can muster. Anger pulses through my body, radiating all around me. My eyes open, as icy as the arctic. "A man who loves me wouldn't keep secrets from me."

  He laughs, a thick and angry sound. "Like you didn't keep secrets from me? As if your past isn't worse than mine?"

  How dare he bring up Gonzales and Braidon? How dare he use what I've done to talk about our relationship? "That has nothing to do with our relationship. Nothing," I gesture, waving my hand. "I never loved anyone but you."

  "So the only men you'll date are men who haven't dated other women before?" he asks. "That's ridiculous and you know it," he dismisses before I can reply.

  My anger bursts. "I don't care. Don't you see? I. Don't. Care!"

  "Stop acting immature. You're being unreasonable."

  "Stop acting like a man whore!"

  "It was an accident, and I'm sorry. What else do you want me to say?" he asks angrily. "She stepped into me. She put her lips on me. She held onto me. I broke away. I pushed her back!"

  "Oh, I'm sure you worked real hard to push her back," I retort, feeling more rage rise up. The waves of anger are never ending, only growing higher the longer we speak.

  "Jules, I was in a room with hundreds of people! There were cameras everywhere. I couldn't have just shoved her back, not with my size. She would have fallen, and gotten hurt. They call that abuse you know!"

  "Oh, that's just great!" I shout. "You can't push back a woman from kissing you because it would be abuse!" Men are such liars, such chicken shit!

  Pax has the decency to look a little embarrassed. "The kiss lasted five seconds, tops! It meant nothing! I'd take it back in a moment if I could."

  "Well, you can't! You can't turn back time to erase what you've done," I spit out. I feel lightheaded, reckless. "You know, Braidon might have been crazy and obsessive, but he never ever cheated on me. Ever."

  "Oh, so now you're comparing me to your psychotic killer ex-boyfriend and thinking he's the better man?"

  "If the shoe fits."

  Pax looks disgusted. His eyes are stormy. He's a breath away from losing his cool. He inhales, his body trembling slightly. "I know you're hurt, but this is a hurdle we can get through if you're willing to be reasonable-"

  "I don't negotiate with cheaters." My eyes blaze. He's so near to the edge. I want to tip him over. I want to make him fall. "I don't want to see you ever again. Got that? Never."

  There's a myriad of emotions on his face. Surprise. Hurt. Pain. Anger. The silence is immeasurable as we stare at one another, hurting each other with our gazes. Then his expression darkens, reminding me of violet skies and gray clouds. "I don't have time to deal with this childish bullshit. I have a fundraiser to go back to." He turns to walk away, his lips set in a grim line. The last words he throws over his shoulder is: "Grow the fuck up, Jules."

  * * *

  Anna takes me home that night. She's a guest of both Pax and Alaina. I tell her to go back, that I can walk home, but she refuses. I know Pax sent her back for me. She sends me worried glances the whole way back to my dorm.

  Finally, I'm so annoyed I decide to reply to her unasked question. "It's over," I tell her, lifting my chin stubbornly. I wait for a reply. Silence greets my words. "Well?" I demand. "Aren't you going to say anything? You wanted to know right?"

  "I think you're not ready to hear what I have to say," she begins carefully. "Right now, you need to be angry at him. You need to ride out that emotion before you'll be able to listen to the truth."

  "You're on his side," I accuse. "You’re his minion."

  "Minion?" Her eyebrow rises in surprise. "Like the little yellow creatures in 'Despicable Me'?" Light laughter drifts out. "I assure you, I'm not his 'minion'. I saw what happened. I don't agree with it." She pauses. "But I also see how he looks at you every day, how his eyes shine like the sun rises and sets on you. He's never looked like that at anyone. Anyone." She looks pointedly at me. "You're the first. The only."

  I don't think it's possible but my heart seems to break even more hearing those words. I feel a tear slip down my cheek. I look out the window. I don't want her to see me cry. "He shouldn't have done what he did," I whisper.

  "Have you ever done anything that you regretted?" I flinch. I don't want to think about her words. I want to be angry. It hurts, but the pain will keep me going. Pain helps me run away, and right now I desperately need it. "No one is perfect, Jules," she continues softly. "Everyone deserves a chance." Just like I gave you a chance when you came in, desperate for a job. "This might be hard to believe, but making mistakes are the best things that can happen to a person." Sure, says the lady who demands perfection at work, I think sarcastically. "They make you stronger. Better. And smart people don't usually make the same mistake twice." She smiles at me. "And I believe Pax is a very smart person."

  We don’t say anything more after that. There's nothing anyone can say that will erase what happened. I sit in her car, wallowing in self-pity, wondering how everything went so wrong.

  CHAPTER 30

  "All right, get up."

  I groan, covering my ears with my palms. Someone grabs my hands and pulls them over my head. "Hey!" I protest. "I'm trying to sleep here!"

  "You've been sleeping your days and nights away for two weeks. I didn't even know it was possible to do that. You're turning into a zombie right before my eyes and we can't wait and watch it anymore."

  "That's right," Alex chimes in, his deep voice disapproving. "You're more white than normal, and even when you come into work you're quiet and withdrawn. We don't like this new Jules. We want the old one back."

  "Technically, this is the old Jules," I mutter, remembering how I was when Grandma passed. I was mourning a loved one then, and I'm mourning a loved one now. Pax has tried to contact me a few times via email. He even came down to my dorm the first week after our big fight. I refused to see him and threatened never speak to
Nat again if she let him in, so she chose not to get involved, shooting me disapproving glares every time he texted that he was downstairs.

  Everyone wants me to forgive him, even Anna. What they don't understand is that trust is important to me. I've only ever trusted one person the way I trusted Pax, and he broke it with his actions that night at the fundraiser.

  "Bill would like to meet with you today," Nat tells me. Quickly, I become somber. Since I don't have a cell phone, Nat's been acting as my secretary, taking calls from Bill and other people who might need to contact me. I told her and Alex everything after Pax and I met with Bill. We agreed it was safer for me to be with other people at all times, and having more people know would ensure I was never alone. Nat and Alex have become very close, and Alex is over as much as Pax was. We even have a toothbrush for him, wrapped in paper towel on top of Nat's vanity table.

  "I took the day off to be your moral support," Alex announces. I feel a lump in my throat as I look at his determined face.

  "Oh, Alex, you shouldn't have," I chide him softly. "You need the money."

  "You need me more," he points out gently. It's the kindest tone he's ever used with me and I pull him closer, hugging him.

  "Thank you," I whisper, breathing in his sweet scent. "You're the best."

  "That's impossible because if I remember correctly, I'm the best," Nat interjects.

  "You both are," I correct, pulling her into our hug.

  "A three way hug," Nat comments, her voice muffled. "It's almost like having a ménage a trois," Nat declares, putting her hand around my neck.

  "Yeah, with two straight girls and a gay dude. Real sexy." I laugh.

  We break away so I can get dressed. I pull on jeans and a shirt. Alex forces me to sit still while Nat puts make-up on me. "Is this really necessary?" I complain. "We're only meeting Bill."

  "Now that you're single, you need to be prepared to meet new people at any time," Nat explains. "You never know if you're going to bump into your future husband or not, you know, like Pax."

  I scrunch my face. "I'm not going to marry Pax so get it out of your head, Nat."

  "Will you let me have my dreams at least? Yeesh."

  Alex shoots me a look. "Dream crusher."

  I roll my eyes, and choose to say nothing more. We arrive at Bill's house half an hour after. Right when I see Bill waving at us from his front porch, I become anxious, worried Pax might be inside. He won't be here, I reassure myself. I'm not his problem anymore.

  If only wishes came true.

  I smell him right away. It's crazy, but true. His scent lingered on my pillow and I smelled it for days after we broke up. It's a rich scent, musky and raw. I finally stopped smelling it four days ago. I cried the entire night.

  Pax senses when I'm in the room. Even though his back is to me and toward the window, I see his shoulders tense up, rising slightly as if someone's poked him in the back.

  "Thank you for coming, Jules," Bill says, putting my hand in both of his. "These must be your good friends, Nat and Alex. Reid has told me all about you two." He shakes both of their hands, and invites them to sit down.

  Bill steps closer to me, lowering his voice so only I hear. "I hope you don't mind that Pax is here. He told me you aren't speaking to him anymore because of something he did. He insisted on being here today, and I knew he would come despite what I tell him."

  I swallow, trying to push the knot of anxiety and worry as far down as it can go. "It's okay," I reply. Deep down I'd knew he'd be here. That's the type of man he is: a man who sees something to the end.

  And a cheater.

  I see Pax is talking to Alex and Nat and for a moment a pang of jealousy cuts me. They're supposed to be on my side. Why are they talking to him? Nat catches my gaze and sees the death glare there. Quickly, she shuts her mouth, looking anywhere but at Pax. Alex is completely oblivious. He's such a guy- even if he's gay.

  "Let's begin," Bill announces.

  I note where Pax sits first before finding a seat furthest from him. It's the couch we made out on the first time I was here. Unconsciously, my eyes find Pax. He has a little smirk on his mouth, and I just know he did it on purpose. I set my lips into a tight line and plop down on the couch, determined to ignore his presence even though my body is stirring as if it's been in a deep slumber and is only now awakening.

  "Have you felt anyone following you lately?" Bill asks, worriedly.

  I don't want to tell them, especially not with Pax there.

  "Yes," Nat answers for me. "A couple days ago Jules was walking from work and she said she felt like someone was watching her. When she turned around to look she saw a shadow and then he slipped back into the trees."

  Pax looks murderous. "Was it Braidon?"

  "I'm not sure, but the build is similar to Braidon's," I decide to answer.

  Pax turns to his uncle. "We need a restraining order against that man."

  Bill sighs. "I agree, but we don't have concrete evidence."

  "He tried to kill us!"

  "It's your word against his." Pax glares at Bill as if to say are you kidding me? Bill shrugs helplessly. "It's the way of the law. Innocent until proven guilty." He puts a hand through his graying hair. "Anyway, it wouldn't matter. A restraining order would take too long to obtain. This will all be over before we even step foot in a courtroom."

  I perk up. "Everything is ready then?" Last week, Bill had come over and I had drawn him a map of where I recalled Gonzales's compound to be. There were about twenty other workers including myself. He had about eight guards that I saw every day, but there was always a constant influx of people moving in and out. It's hard to pinpoint how many could be in the building at any given time.

  "They've tried to set up a mole with Gonzales in the past and have failed. They're working on doing it again, but my gut tells me it won't work. I think we'll need to go in unexpected."

  "We?" I ask. "Will you be in the operation as well?"

  "I work for local and national law enforcement." He doesn't explain and I decide I don't need to know more.

  "Will Jules need to come with?" Pax asks.

  "I'd rather not get her involved, but there are no promises," Bill answers. "We might need her as a distraction-"

  "A distraction?" Pax exclaims, standing up. "You're fucking kidding me! She could get hurt, or worse, killed. I'm not letting that happen-"

  "You don't control me," I snap, getting to my feet. "You can't tell me what to do-"

  "Yes, I can and I will. You're not going anywhere with them-"

  "You're not my father!" I shout.

  "Hell yeah, I'm not! I love you and I'm not letting you risk your life for some operation that may not even work-"

  "It will work-"

  "Your grandmother would never approve-"

  My fists clench. "You don't know her-"

  "She wouldn't let you risk your life-"

  "It's my life!"

  "-for something like this. She'd want you safe-"

  "You can't save me!"

  Pax stills as if paralyzed. Something painful crosses over his face.

  I'm breathing hard. I hear my pulse in my ears. "You can't save me," I say quietly, looking him in the eye. "Saving me won't bring them back."

  No one speaks. No one moves. Pax's face loses all color, going completely white. He looks ill. He sways like he's going to fall. The silence in the room is deafening. My eyes plead with him to understand. For my own sanity, I need to do this on my own. I can't hide anymore. I need to see it to the end.

  Slowly, as if all energy has left him, Pax turns toward the door. His whole body is deflated, and I almost cry for him to come back, to take my pain from me. To catch me through this.

  I don't though.

  I watch him walk away, and I don't do a damn thing about it.

  CHAPTER 31

  I need to be alone.

  I've been a loner my whole life and now every moment of my day is filled with people like Nat, Alex, Bill and even G
ail, constantly watching over me, nervous I'll do something stupid. They know I shot Gonzales and burned his land. Bill tells me the FBI has pictures of him as recently as two weeks ago. Gonzales is alive. Sometimes, I wonder if they think I'll go after him myself. Sometimes, I feel like I want to.

  "I think I should go with you," Nat's worried voice intrudes my thoughts. "Pax said we shouldn't leave you alone. Ever."

  "Pax?" I whirl around, glaring at her. "Since when are you taking orders from Pax?"

  "Since I've confirmed to myself that he truly loves you and only has your best interest at heart."

  I narrow my eyes. "He's a charmer, Nat. He's good with words. Don't believe everything he says." Don't be like me.

  "I don't listen to words. I look at action. I see what he's doing even if you don't."

  "What does that mean?"

  "It means you're very lucky," she answers quietly. Nat looks at me as if she can't believe my abstinence. "I'll go with you halfway," she finally says, compromising.

  "Fine." Why is everyone on his side? Don't they understand what he did?

  Nat pulls out her phone to text someone, probably Alex. I know they talk about me. If I didn't know how much they loved me, I'd probably never speak to them again. But I do know their love for me so I put up with it, pretending not to see the silent looks they send each other when they think I'm not looking.

  The mood is tense as Nat walks me to work. I'll be leaving with the FBI any day now. They're close to going in. My role is to find someone who recognizes me and lead the men straight into the compound. If I need to I'll cause a distraction. The workers will be less suspicious of me because I'm one of them.

  We get to the halfway mark. I pull her into a hug. "See you," I tell her. "I'll call you when I get to Maddie’s." She nods. "Go home, Nat. Do you know how many people are on campus right now? He won't do anything. Trust me." She bites her lip. "Seriously. Go." Gently, I push her forward. "I'll watch you go," I tell her with a smile.