Benevolent

by Leddy Harper

  “Oh my God. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked.” At least she wasn’t frozen anymore. She was smiling and laughing and the twinkle in her eyes was back. “You just caught me off guard. You have to admit, this is some crazy shit. I just knew you were lying about something. I’m so sorry; I should have never asked that.”

  “It’s fine. But I do have to tell you, taking this position would require you to travel some. I will be relying on you and eventually entrusting you with a lot. I was serious when I said I don’t need you to run stupid errands. I need you to do what I do to help me out.”

  “Aren’t you scared I’ll end up being better than you and eventually take over the company?”

  She amazed me. “The name on the front of the building says Kauffmann Investments. Are you planning on becoming a Kauffmann?”

  “I don’t know; do you have any brothers?”

  “Nope, just me. If you’re planning on taking over my company, just let me know when to show up for the vows and let me at least consummate the marriage first. A heads-up is all I need.”

  She shook her head again. “So full of yourself. I doubt anyone could marry you, seems like you’re in a pretty serious relationship with yourself to allow any room for someone else.”

  All I could do was smile. Mentioning marrying someone did nothing but bring the guilt on and squash all the fun I was having. My happiness dulled as I felt the smile fall from my lips. I didn’t want her to notice it, so I decided to ask her some questions. Starting with why she chose investments to begin with.

  “I loved that movie Rain Man and I wanted to be just like him.”

  I wasn’t expecting that. “Which one, Dustin Hoffman or Tom Cruise?”

  “Dustin Hoffman.”

  “Like you wanted to be Dustin Hoffman or his character from the movie?”

  “Raymond, his character.” She said it so matter-of-factly, as if I should have known.

  “You know he was autistic, right?”

  Her brows scrunched together and her lips pursed. I didn’t know what she was about to say, but I was sure I was going to be eating my words. “You know he was a numbers genius, right?”

  “I wasn’t saying anything bad about it, I was just wondering if you knew. I didn’t know if you were saying you wanted to be autistic or what.”

  I certainly stuck my foot in my mouth on that one. She looked like she was about to get up and walk out. I wanted to say something, anything to make her understand what I meant, but I didn’t trust myself. I was only digging a deeper hole.

  “If God had made me that way then I would have been okay with it. Do I sit here and say I wish I were autistic? No. But had God made me that way, I wouldn’t wish I were any different. People with autism are beautiful, smart people that could probably do your job better than you. They are amazing people that just think differently than you, but people like you are too ignorant to see that.” And she was up, out of her seat.

  “Wait. That’s not what I meant. I am not ignorant. I don’t see people by the color of their skin or the genitals between their legs. And I certainly don’t see them for any disease, illness, handicap, or any other classification put upon them. I know what I said sounded ignorant, but please understand that the words just came out wrong. I swear, I meant nothing by it.”

  She nodded but didn’t sit down.

  “Please tell me you still want the job,” I asked, sounding as if I were pleading. I probably was. I didn’t want her to walk away. I didn’t want to never see her again. And I certainly didn’t want to have to find a new assistant when I had the very best candidate standing right in front of me.

  “Yes, I’ll still take the job. When do I start?” She didn’t sound excited. She almost sounded depressed, like I was forcing her to accept it.

  “I have to run out of the office for a little bit. So why don’t you head down to HR and fill out all of the new-hire information and we’ll meet back here tomorrow morning at eight? Does that work for you?”

  “Yup.” She bit her lip and walked out of the office.

  I had the same feeling I did the night before when she left. I almost felt depressed that she was gone, but that didn’t make any sense to me. I couldn’t seem to understand why I wanted to be around her so much. Even though she gave me a complete tongue-lashing, I wanted her back. Just to hear her laugh again. To see her smile again. To see her again. I was truly fucked.

  Driving home, I started questioning if I made the right decision by hiring her. I concluded that yes, I made the right choice. Rule number one, no sleeping with the associates. Over the years and after countless dumbass excuses, I had to amend that rule. There was now rule one A, no fucking the associates. Rule one B, no making love to the associates. And finally, rule one C, no romantic nor non-romantic coitus at all, under no circumstances, no matter what you call it. Yeah, I literally had someone tell me he didn’t break the rule because there was no sleeping involved. He no longer worked for me, but I decided to amend the rule anyway to avoid any future issues. At least they were in place in the event Eden made me even more stupid and I myself tried finding a loophole. I was definitely safer having her work for me than not.

  Once I pulled into the parking garage of my beachfront condominium, I had to stop thinking about Eden. I had to shake her from my thoughts and do what I needed to do. I always did what I needed to do. What I wanted to do never mattered. It really never even came into the equation. It was always what needed to be done.

  I braced myself before opening the door. I didn’t know what I would find once I walked in. I didn’t know what condition she’d be in or how bad my day would get. I prayed for the best and unlocked the door.

  “Gabi,” I called out into the quiet room.

  There was rustling on the couch, but I couldn’t see her because it was facing the other way. I walked closer until I found her, curled up with a blanket and crying to herself. I knelt on the floor in front of her, getting inches from her face.

  “Gabriella, what’s wrong? Talk to me,” I begged.

  She shook her head and closed her eyes, keeping it all inside like she always did.

  Looking at her then, it was hard to miss the drastic change in her over the years. I could vividly remember the first time I ever laid eyes on her. It was in tenth grade. She was always quiet and kept to herself, but wherever she was, my eyes would follow. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. Even prettier than the girlfriend I had at the time.

  Even though she had aged some, much like we all do after twelve years, and the stresses of her life altered her appearance dramatically, I could still see that girl in there sometimes. It was what kept the hope alive. It was in her eyes. She had the biggest dark brown eyes that captivated me from first glance. Some used to say they were too big for her face, but they held so much life behind them that in my opinion, they were the perfect size. They fit her. She still had those same eyes, but more recently, they were bloodshot and dim. She cried all the time, and the life that they once held was almost smothered. It killed me to look into them. I wanted to make her happy again, I just didn’t know how.

  “Gabi, can you look at me, please? Can you please tell me what’s wrong?”

  Her eyes opened as more tears fell. It gutted me.

  “She would have been born today.” Her words were soft and broken between sobs.

  Fuck. I wasn’t even thinking. I had completely forgotten. I was the biggest dick in the world. I hung my head and took in a deep breath, trying to shove down the anger I felt toward myself enough to give her the support she needed.

  “I’m so sorry, Gabs. I wasn’t even thinking about what day it was.” I wasn’t thinking. I didn’t think about anything other than Eden. Gabi was at home the night before, in pain, and I was out laughing and admiring another woman. She woke up and I was gone. Where was I? Hiring that other woman to work for me, assuring I got to see her every day. That’s where I was. I wasn’t at home with Gabriella, I wasn’t comforting her, I wasn’t g
rieving with her. No. I was touching another woman’s face instead.

  “Can we try again?” she asked with the voice of a mouse but so full of hope.

  I knew what she was asking; it wasn’t the first time. I just didn’t think it was such a good idea. I didn’t think she was stable enough for it, but I couldn’t tell her that. She wasn’t even stable enough to hear it.

  “I don’t know, Gabi. I think we should still wait a little while longer.”

  Her big brown eyes closed again, and then the wails followed. I hated knowing my words were causing her that much pain. She had been through enough in her life and all I wanted to do was protect her. I wanted to save her. I wanted to give her everything. I just couldn’t give her that. Not at that time, at least.

  “You’re still grieving from the last one. I just think we should wait until you’re feeling better. You know? It’ll happen again when the time is right, I promise. I just want to make sure you’re better first. You’re my first priority.”

  “You forgot. How could you forget? Did you not love her? Do you not love me?”

  I hated it when she did that. And I hated that I hated it. It made me feel like I was being insensitive to her, which maybe I was. But I left work early to be with her. She calls and I come running. I didn’t know why she constantly had to question my love for her. At least she didn’t know about Eden. That would have solidified it in her mind. And I didn’t want that. I couldn’t have handled that. I did love her. I just wished she believed it.

  “I wasn’t paying attention to the date. I’m sorry. It doesn’t mean I didn’t love… her. And it certainly doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I wouldn’t be here right now if I didn’t.”

  “I just feel like you’re only here out of obligation. After what happened to me before.”

  “No. That’s not it at all.” Was it? Was I only there because I felt the need to protect her? To heal her? No. That was wrong. I was there because I loved her; I had always loved her. Things had gotten bad recently, sure, but every road to happily-ever-after has its bumps. That’s what my mom always told me. “Gabriella, listen to me. Look at me and listen to me, okay?”

  She looked right into my eyes and I almost lost the nerve to speak. She looked so sad and depressed. It made me angry to see her that way. Maybe that’s what the problem had been lately. She was depressed and it pissed me off. My anger and hesitation to be home only depressed her further. It was an endless cycle. One I wasn’t sure how to end.

  “I love you. Got it? I’m not going anywhere. You need to understand that. I need for you to believe me. But I also think that maybe you need to speak with someone. I think it will help if you go back to see Doctor Greiner.” I couldn’t finish talking because she began to violently shake her head no. “Listen, Gabi. We can’t try again until you’re better, and I don’t think sitting around here, locked away in your head is going to make you better. It’s not getting any better.” It wasn’t. It was actually getting worse.

  “I don’t want to see him again. It didn’t work last time. All he did was put me on pills that made me feel drunk all the time. I don’t want to be numb. I don’t want to not feel. If I do that, then it will mean I will forget about her. I don’t want to forget about her like you did.”

  “I didn’t forget. I just wasn’t paying attention to the calendar.” I was losing my patience. I wanted to tell her that refusing to dwell on things I cannot change did not equate to forgetting. It didn’t mean I didn’t care, and it certainly didn’t mean that I didn’t love either of them. All it meant was that I chose to not end my life over the loss of another. But I couldn’t tell her any of that. I’d never be able to tell her that.

  “So if I go see Doctor Greiner again, we can start trying?”

  “You have to get better first. I think seeing him would be the best starting point for that. And then yes, we can start trying.” I leaned in and kissed her chapped lips. They had been chapped for so long, probably due to the amount of saltwater they came in contact with from her tears. But chapped or not, I kissed them. “I just want to see you happy again,” I whispered to her.

  “I want to be happy again,” she admitted and it made me smile. It was the first time in months Gabi made me smile and it made me want to give her the world. I knew she would find her way back. I had faith in us. As long as I kept my focus on her and not Eden, we’d be all right. It was easier said than done… but I didn’t know that then.

  Once Gabi was finally calm, it was too late to return to work. I got her settled in with a book and headed down to the gym to work out some of the stresses from my day. What I really wanted to do was head to the bar, but knew that would only be counterproductive. So I chose the gym instead. Nothing like a little cardio and weights to calm me down.

  I wasn’t a body builder by any means, but I did enjoy hitting the gym at least five times a week. No one ever complained about my body. Well, some older—and even younger—judgmental people complained of my tattoos, but never my body. I always got stares wherever I went. They were either staring at the ink that lined both arms—which was what I liked to call the story of my life—or they were looking at my muscles. Either way, staring was staring. Gabi never liked it. She didn’t like the women that looked at me like they wanted to fuck me. I didn’t blame her; I didn’t like it when men looked at her like they wanted to bend her over. That was reserved for me. Even though I had started to think my reservation had run out since she barely let me touch her anymore. So I had actually begun to enjoy the stares I received from people… even if they were looking at me like I was a criminal. Because apparently, if you are covered in ink, that’s what you are. A criminal. Whatever.

  After the gym, I decided to head to the pier for some alone time. I didn’t even bother showering or changing. I literally left the gym in my sweaty clothes and headed down the beach to the old pier—which, honestly, was more like an oversized dock. I didn’t care what it was. No one ever used it anymore except to fish off of it during the day. At night, it was all mine.

  I wanted to bring a six-pack with me, but thought better of it. I had drinks the night before and really shouldn’t have made a habit out of it. So I took my iPod and headphones and went to the end of the planks to sit down in the dark corner.

  The moon was doing a good job lighting the water up, but I wasn’t feeling the light. My day had been dark after leaving work and I wanted to sit in—the darkness. I had so much to think about. On the top of that list was Eden. I knew I shouldn’t have hired her, but it seemed as though where she was concerned, my brain didn’t function properly. It wasn’t that I had dirty thoughts about her… okay, so I did. But they weren’t all dirty. She made me laugh and I enjoyed it so much. I liked talking with her; it felt so freeing. It wasn’t dark and depressing like it was with Gabi. But that wasn’t fair to think, I was sure Eden hadn’t lost a baby recently. I’m sure if she had, she would have been just as devastated as Gabriella.

  Just after the third song started to play, I saw movement down the pier. I couldn’t tell if it was a guy or girl, but from the shadow, I knew it was only one. As the shadow got closer, the moon’s light began to brighten her face. I felt myself smile before I could stop it. Slowly, I turned off the music and took my earbuds out.

  “Stalking me?” I asked as she stood only a few feet from me. I knew she couldn’t see me from where I was sitting and it showed as she jumped back and covered her chest with her hand. It brought my focal point to where her hand landed and my smile grew larger.

  She was wearing a tank top and short denim shorts with flip-flops. It showed her figure perfectly and the light from the moon accentuated it until she almost looked like an angel. Not the angels from heaven, but the ones from the underwear ads. She looked like a real life Victoria Secret model. I wondered what she’d look like if she wore what they did in the magazines I used to jerk off to as a teenager. I shook my head, trying to rid myself of the thoughts that didn’t seem to want to leave my mind.

&nb
sp; “Oh my God, you scared the shit out of me.” I heard her breathe heavily and it made me laugh. “And no, I’m not stalking you.”

  “If you were, I wouldn’t blame you. All the beautiful people get stalked.”

  “Here we go again.” I could hear her soft laughs behind her words.

  I didn’t invite her to sit down, she just did. But it wasn’t next to me and that made me only want to be closer to her. I hated thinking that way but I couldn’t control it. It was like I wasn’t aware of the thoughts entering my head until I was already thinking them. It was wrong and I should’ve stopped but I couldn’t help it when I was around her. Yeah, hiring her was the worst mistake of my life.

  “You still mad at me?” I asked and found myself afraid of her answer.

  She looked at me and I could see her face clearly. God she was beautiful. Her long hair was down in big curls that hung over her shoulders and down her back. It had been straight the night before and up that day at the office. Even though it was technically dark outside and I could only see it from the white light of the moon, I’d have to say the curly hair was my favorite.

  “No,” she said as she moved her head side to side.

  “That’s good. I’d try to explain, but I think I ate enough of my foot earlier.”

  “It’s fine; I understand. I was just defensive. I got over it.”

  The way she said that made me question her. There was something about her and I needed to know the answer. It didn’t make sense why I was so interested in her life, but I was.

  “Why were you so defensive? If you don’t mind me asking, that is.”

  She smiled and looked down. Even though she explained it was because she was shy, I still hated it when she did that. I didn’t want her to look away from me. I couldn’t look away from her even if I tried.

  “My little brother. He had Asperger’s.”

  I didn’t miss it. I heard it loud and clear. And even if I hadn’t heard the word, I would have heard it in her tone. I felt sad for her. It was just part of who I was; I couldn’t help but feel the need to protect people in pain, so I typically picked up on it quickly.