Benevolent

by Leddy Harper

  My hands moved up her sides and under her T-shirt, pulling it up until I exposed her bare breasts. She sighed and it made me even harder. It was such a bad idea, but there was no stopping it by then. Her boobs were large and heavy, much like they had always been. When we were in high school, she used to cover them with bigger shirts. I told her one day after we had been dating for a while that I loved to see them, so she started wearing tighter fitting shirts. I didn’t complain. I loved it. She was half Peruvian and had the body of a Hispanic goddess with curves everywhere.

  I reached out and palmed one breast, squeezing it roughly. She made moaning sounds and hisses and my mouth was immediately on the other. I pulled and bit her nipple until she was writhing beneath me. Even though it was dark, I knew exactly what she looked like. I had been worshiping her body for over a decade, so I knew what her nipples looked like. I knew the exact shade they were, the color of coffee with just a splash of cream. It only made me wonder again for the second time that night what Eden’s looked like. I wondered if they were large like Gabi’s, if they’d fill my mouth when I sucked on them, if they turned hard as stone when I flicked them with my tongue. Fuck. I needed to move from her breasts; I was getting painfully hard and I wasn’t so sure it was because of Gabi.

  I kissed her lips, her chapped lips, and it made the memories of Eden’s come to mind. They were so drastically different—the way they felt, the way they moved, even the way they tasted. It was like night and day. I didn’t kiss her for long, I couldn’t. It was just too hard. It caused me too many unwanted thoughts so I had to stop. Instead, I leaned over her more, making more space between our bodies. My hand moved from her breast to her stomach, and then finally down to between her legs. I slid a finger through her slit—she wasn’t wet. It was clear as day that she didn’t do all of this because she wanted it. It wasn’t because she wanted me or needed to be with me. She didn’t do it for the intimacy or the closeness that came from it. She did it for personal gain.

  I should’ve stopped then. I should have gotten off her and gone to sleep, but I didn’t. It had been too long since I last had sex and there was no going back for me. I was too worked up from the pier and Eden, and there was no way I would just roll over and go to sleep. I needed the release. I needed to fuck. Even if I was playing into her games. Even if it meant Eden would cross my mind while being inside Gabi, I needed it. It was plain and simple. I was a guy and a warm cunt would always win out over my own hand. Regardless of the cunt’s motives.

  My fingers found their way to her clit and pressed down, moving in a slow circle. She responded my bucking her hips into my hand. She may not have been wet at that moment, but she would be before I sank myself in her. I pressed harder and moved my fingers faster, more violently. Just before her body started to shudder, I took my hand away.

  She whimpered and pleaded. “Don’t stop, Dane. Don’t stop.”

  “You want me?” I asked, making her say it.

  “Yes!”

  “You need me?”

  “Yes! Fuck, Dane. Don’t stop.”

  I pulled my boxers down to my thighs and my cock sprung out and smacked her moistening lips. That gained a moan from her and the need from me to press into her.

  “Tell me you’re ready for this,” I demanded in a needy growl.

  “I’m ready!” she cried out. “Dane! Fuck me already!”

  I didn’t hesitate. I lined myself up and pushed in. It wasn’t slow. It wasn’t with caution. I knew she wasn’t as wet as needed, but I made sure she wasn’t still dry, either. In one thrust, I was all the way in and she was screaming.

  I had to wait until she had fully adjusted and until I could take a breath. Her warmth was overpowering and nearly made me nut too soon. It had been a while, but I didn’t know when the next time it would happen again so I knew I needed to take my time.

  Her legs wrapped around me and hugged me to her. I thought of Eden.

  She pressed her lips to mine. I thought of Eden.

  She hummed in my mouth, and I thought of Eden.

  I finally began to move, thrusting in and out, and feeling her grow wetter. I grabbed her breast with one hand while holding myself up with the other. My fingers twisted and pulled on her hardened nipple, while I thought about Eden.

  I probably should have gone slow with her since it had been a while for both of us, but I couldn’t seem to pace myself. It reminded me of when I was a teenager and the only point of sex was to get off. I still wanted that, but I also wanted Gabi to find pleasure as well. I played with her nipple roughly as I repeatedly slapped by balls against her ass. I felt it building with each twist, with each slap, with each grunt and moan. It was like fire running through me.

  I held it in until she screamed and her walls tightened around my dick. I could feel the swelling of my cock and the tightness in my balls. I was about to explode, as I thought of Eden. I waited until she rode out her orgasm before I quickly pulled myself from her dripping pussy and released it all on her stomach. Stream after stream of pent up guilt, pleasure, need, and want hit her abdomen as I felt the pleasure roll through my body. All of my muscles were tensed until the last bout exited. I was out of breath and so was Gabi.

  I looked down at her and she looked up at me. I could see her eyes with the moonlight streaming in through the blinds. Fuck me. She looked upset, and she had every right to be. But I was sure her feelings were not because of that. She should have been pissed because as I fucked her, I imagined it was someone else. I imagined it was the tattooed and pierced woman that had become my obsession. But that wasn’t what it was. I knew what it was. It was because I didn’t empty myself inside of her. She was hoping I’d do that because she wanted another baby. I knew that ahead of time and had enough sense to make sure that didn’t happen. It wasn’t that I didn’t want another baby with her, but she wasn’t in the right place for that. And clearly, neither was I. There was no way I could conceive life with her while my brain was too busy fantasizing about someone else.

  I fucking hated myself. She should fucking hate me, too.

  I climbed off of her and headed to the bathroom to clean off. Gabi followed me and began to wipe my come off her stomach with a wet washcloth. Her eyes met mine in the mirror and then I looked down.

  “Where did that come from?” she asked.

  “Where did what come from?” I was confused about what she was talking about.

  “I don’t think you’ve ever fucked me like that.”

  I wasn’t sure if she was teasing or trying to get at something. Maybe it was just my guilty conscience that made me think that way. There was no way she would have known about Eden or where my mind was while we had sex. It was just me feeling guilty.

  “It’s been a while. I guess I got a little out of control. I’m sorry. Did I hurt you? Are you okay?” I turned to look right at her and she smiled. Maybe I had nothing to worry about. Maybe she wasn’t trying to get pregnant. Maybe she just needed me like she said she did. Like I needed her. I felt even more guilt assuming she only had sex with me because she wanted something from it. Fuck. Guilt was going to eat me alive. It was going to be the death of me.

  “I’m good. I haven’t had an orgasm that intense in a very long time. Probably since that cruise you took me on for our anniversary.”

  I knew which night she was talking about. It was the night I proposed to her. Our emotions were running high and we were both feeling great. It was a night I thought I’d never forget. Yet there I was, having to be reminded of it.

  I smiled at her and kissed her. “Don’t wait so long next time.”

  “I won’t,” she promised. “I think I’m going to call Doctor Greiner tomorrow.”

  My smile grew at the thought of getting my Gabriella back. I couldn’t wait.

  We went to bed that night, holding each other tight. My mind was clear as I drifted off to sleep. I didn’t think about Eden, what we did, or what almost happened. No. I didn’t think about any of that. All I thought about was G
abi and getting her back, being what we used to be and moving on with my life. Moving on with the woman that held my heart and soul. And finally finding happiness again.

  I made it to the office bright and early the next morning, before anyone else. It felt good to not be running late or rushing. It also felt good to wake up with Gabi in my arms. Her smile and her kiss goodbye were relieving. I didn’t have the added stress of her and how she was handling things as I started my workday.

  The stress I did have, though, was catching up on all of the work I had to miss out on by leaving early the day before. My inbox was full and so was the basket of missed call memos. The light on my desk phone was blinking, alerting me to voicemails that I needed to listen to. I sat down at my desk and began to sort through it all. I started with the phone, expecting a message from Eden that she had changed her mind about her employment with me.

  By the time I reached the last message, I was surprised there wasn’t one from her. They were all business follow-ups and inquiries. I shrugged it off and went through the stack of memos. None of them were important, most of them had called and left a message anyway. I finally turned on my computer and began to go through the endless list of emails. I, again, expected to find one from Eden, but there was none from her there, either.

  I checked the clock for the first time since I arrived; it said it was eight thirty. She didn’t show up, not that I expected her to, but she did so without even leaving me a message. For some reason, that was what bothered me most. I continued to go about my business before my office door creaked open. I didn’t look up, expecting it to be Alex checking in on me like he usually did. But there was silence, so I eventually turned my head from my emails to the door and the awaiting person. I froze, all except my hands that wouldn’t stop shaking. I had never felt that level of nervousness before.

  “I didn’t think you were coming in,” I acknowledged her.

  Eden quietly turned around and closed the door behind her before walking to the front of my desk and sitting down.

  “I wasn’t going to, to be completely honest with you. But like I told you at the bar, this is my dream job and I won’t give it up for any reason. Even if that reason is because the owner, and my boss, is a cheating asshole.” Her words were like a slap in the face.

  I wanted to explain, but I knew there was no possible way to do that. Hell, I couldn’t even explain it to myself. I was speechless and could only sit there with my jaw hanging open. It would have been a lie to say I wasn’t happy to see her, but I knew my conscience would be taking a brutal beating for it. I had to remind myself how qualified she was for the job and how much easier she’d make my business life, not so much my personal life.

  “I just have one thing to say to you, Mr. Kauffmann—”

  “Dane. Call me Dane. Everyone around here does. I don’t do formalities,” I interrupted her.

  “Mr. Kauffmann,” she repeated. “I will work here and I will perform to the best of my abilities, but don’t expect me to extend my niceties to you. What you did was such a dick move. And I can’t respect you as a person after that.”

  “Please, just hear me out. I am not a cheater.”

  “That’s such a lie. You may be a guy and all, but let me make some things clear… The things you did to me last night are considered cheating. Kissing is cheating. Touching is cheating. Grinding your hard-on into me is most definitely cheating.”

  I shook my head in shame. She wouldn’t understand, but the stubborn boy in me wouldn’t give in. It wouldn’t let her have the last say when she didn’t even know me. She didn’t know my life or what was going on in it. I wouldn’t explain all of that to her, since I never talked about it with anyone, but I would explain what happened and why.

  “I may have done those things last night, but that was the first and only time I had ever done anything like that. I made a mistake, but it doesn’t make me a cheater. There’s a lot of shit going on at home and I got lost in your company. But trust me when I say this… It. Won’t. Happen. Again.”

  “You can bet your ass it won’t happen again. I fucking despise cheaters.”

  I nodded in agreement. “So do I.”

  “Then you must despise yourself.”

  “I do,” was all I could say to her.

  Her eyes went wide like she hadn’t expected me to say that. She really didn’t know me. I wanted her to know me. I wanted to know her, but that was never going to happen. It never could happen. Even if I wanted it to, it wouldn’t. At least something good came out of it. I knew there would be no more flirting.

  “Are you finished before we move on to the actual work part of this day?” My tone was hard and stern; I wasn’t exactly sure where it came from since I didn’t often speak to my associates in that way.

  She nodded in silent agreement and allowed me to continue.

  “As you already know, when companies are faced with bankruptcy or closing, they call me. I go in and help them change things in order for them to stay open and operating, and for them to understand how to keep doing so. I invest money into the company and hold the decision-making capabilities. I pretty much buy the business for a limited amount of time. I do this because in the event the company doesn’t succeed, I refuse to let the owners sell off its parts and pocket the profit. If that happens and the business needs to be chopped and sold, the profits go to the employees. But that has only happened a handful of times. I pick and choose which company I bail out for that reason. I won’t take on one that is too far gone. And my payout at the end of the contract is based upon my initial investment, plus the success of the company. That’s where I need your help. I have too many coming in for me to research them all on my own. I outsourced that part once, but it ended up screwing me in the end, telling me that businesses were solid returns when they weren’t. I was taking on companies that had far too many risks and cost me too much money. I won’t make that mistake again.

  “I currently have a department that weeds out the good from the bad and sends me a list of the good. Even that list is too intensive for me to shuffle through alone. I need your help graphing them, charting them, showing me risk factors and where the money is. I need all the information on the business all the way back to when it was only a thought in the creator’s mind. Is this something you think you can handle, Miss Clare?” I didn’t plan on it, but I spit her name out no differently than she had mine earlier.

  She shifted in her seat and her face turned stoic. “Yes, it is. But let me point out that I didn’t do anything to you to warrant such distain. You have no cause to say my name with such hatred. If this is how it will be then I will go work somewhere else and wait until another position opens in a different department of this company.”

  “You didn’t do anything? You kissed me first last night and then blame me for responding.”

  “I kissed you, yes, but that was before I knew you weren’t available. It was your responsibility to have told me that piece of information from the beginning. You had so many opportunities to tell me and you didn’t. You didn’t tell me at the bar, you didn’t tell me here when you ruined my chances in PR, and you didn’t tell me after I kissed you. Instead, you followed me, grabbed me, and then kissed me back. That wasn’t on me. That was all you, buddy. So like I said, if this is how you’re going to treat me, then tell me now.”

  The way she spoke to me made me want to grab her face. After that, I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with her. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to yell some more, defend myself again, or if I wanted to kiss her. I knew I wanted to kiss her, but I also wanted to yell. I had been holding it in for so long. Holding it in with Gabi, with work, and then with Eden. I wanted to yell at her when she walked out on me the day before. I wanted to yell at her after she walked off from the pier without a word. And I wanted to yell at her then. I didn’t understand why I wanted to yell so much. I didn’t know where all of the anger had been coming from or why it suddenly felt so extreme that I thought I’d bust. All I knew was tha
t I wanted to yell.

  “I made a fucking mistake, Eden. I wanted to tell you, but I knew if I did, things would change between us. I didn’t want them to change. You made me laugh and I almost forgot what that felt like. I didn’t want to give that up. This…” I wagged my finger in the air between us. “…this is why I didn’t want to tell you. Things changed. Even if what happened last did never happened, it still would have changed. You would have looked at me differently. You would have talked to me differently. And I didn’t want to stop laughing.” My breathing grew deep and my voice quieted down. “I didn’t want to stop living.”

  She didn’t say a word. She sat there and stared at me as her face softened and her eyes grew wide. Her tongue peeked out from between her lips as she licked them and all I could do was stare. I couldn’t believe I had just blurted all of that out. It wasn’t my intention. I wanted to yell. Instead, I opened myself up for the first time in years.

  “Tell me about her.”

  I looked up at her, wondering why she would say that.

  “Please, just tell me about her.” Her voice was soft and pleading.

  My eyes darted around the room, trying to figure out what to say.

  “How long have you been together?” she asked.

  I smiled nervously. “Since high school. I was dating the cheerleader, of course, and she was just this quiet girl. I couldn’t help but notice her and finally, I decided to talk to her. But before you say anything, I broke up with my girlfriend first.” I was sort of teasing, but wanted to clarify so she couldn’t throw anything back in my face.

  She smiled and shook her head. “And you’ve been together ever since?”

  I nodded. “Yup. Through everything.”