by J. D. Griffo
“I didn’t do anything!” Kip protested, raising his gun at Johnny.
“I knew you couldn’t be trusted!” Johnny shouted.
“Both of you shut up!” Adrienne screamed. “Once I found out Kip was in the show, I researched him online and found out his nasty little secret. I knew I could use his past against the two of you.”
“I can’t believe you would do this to me, Adrienne!” Johnny cried.
“That’s because you’re weak! The two of you are!” Adrienne screamed. “Just like Brandon!”
Sanjay stood up from his seat in the audience and yelled, “Is that why you killed my Brandon?!”
“He blackmailed me and wanted me to pay for the security footage,” Adrienne said. “Like I would ever pay him! I killed that sniveling idiot like I killed my no-good aunt. Like I should’ve killed you, Johnny, for dumping me!”
Lightning fast, Adrienne reached out and grabbed the gun from Kip’s hand and shot Johnny in the leg. Stunned, it took him a moment to grasp what had just happened, but when Johnny felt the searing pain ignite like a torch in his leg and race up his entire body, he screamed and fell to the ground. He aimed his gun at Adrienne, but when blood poured out of his flesh, it was apparent that the gun he was holding was a useless prop.
“Dammit!” Johnny shouted, tossing the gun onto the floor.
Vinny raced down the aisle and jumped onto the stage. He stood next to Johnny and told him that an ambulance was on its way.
“An ambulance isn’t going to help a dead man,” Adrienne said. “If you hadn’t left me, Johnny, none of this would’ve happened.”
She raised her arm to shoot again, but Helen swung her pocketbook wildly and let it soar through the air. It hit Adrienne in the face, causing her to stumble into the wall just as Jinx sprang forward and grabbed her arm. They struggled for a few seconds until the gun fell out of Adrienne’s hands, crashing right into the prop gun that was lying on the floor.
Vinny scrambled forward at the same time Adrienne did, they struggled to get the real gun, and, as a result, the two guns spun around in a circle. Adrienne got hold of one gun, while Vinny hit the other with his shoulder, making it slide right next to Alberta’s feet. Instinctively, Alberta bent down to pick up the gun, but when she stood and pointed it at Adrienne, she froze, because she had never held a gun before. Unfortunately, Adrienne felt very comfortable aiming her gun at Alberta.
“Don’t do this, Adrienne,” Vinny said. “You’ll only make things worse for yourself.”
“That’s impossible and you know it,” Adrienne said. “Are you a gambling woman, Alberta?”
“No, I’m not,” she replied.
“Too bad, because what are the odds that I have the prop gun and you have the real one?” Adrienne asked. “One way to find out is for you to pull your trigger, but I don’t think you have the guts to do it.”
Alberta felt everyone’s eyes on her. Helen, Jinx, Vinny, the cast spread out onstage, the entire audience. They were all watching her, waiting to see what she would do. She was waiting to find out as well.
Alberta was not a violent person, but she was fiercely protective of her family and friends. She felt heat, adrenaline, and anger rise up her body and she realized she was fiercely protective of something else: her own life. She had spent the past few years creating a new life for herself, experiencing the world as she had never done before, trusting her own instincts, gaining self-respect and independence and now this young, disturbed woman threatened to take it away from her with one small gesture. All Adrienne had to do was pull her finger back on the trigger and release a bullet that may or may not be real, a bullet that could end Alberta’s life. Alberta couldn’t deny what she was feeling, she was frightened. But she was also infuriated.
“I was right,” Adrienne said. “You’re just like the rest of them, you’re a coward. You don’t have the guts to fight back.”
Alberta stared directly into Adrienne’s black, hateful eyes and replied, “Watch me.”
Alberta pulled the trigger, but instead of the bullet racing toward Adrienne, she shot at the metal contraption that held the sandbag directly over the girl’s head. The heavy bag fell onto Adrienne’s shoulder and knocked her to the floor. As she lay there, unconscious and unmoving, Vinny scrambled to her and kicked the gun off the stage to where Tambra was standing. The cast, tight-knit as ever, let out a sigh of relief and some of them collapsed to their knees. The audience, who had been watching in rapt attention for the past ten minutes, was finally able to release its contained energy and rose to give them a standing ovation.
Helen grabbed Alberta’s hand and squeezed it tightly before dragging her to the lip of the stage. At the last second, Helen stepped back leaving Alberta alone in the spotlight so she could take the bow she had so rightfully earned. The audience went wild. Unaccustomed to being in front of such a large crowd, Alberta felt a little foolish, but the rush, she had to admit, was undeniable. It was nothing, however, like the feeling she got when she looked all around her and saw Jinx, Helen, and Freddy clapping for her on the stage, and Joyce and Sloan running up to the stage with tears in their eyes.
She felt her own tears welling up behind her eyes. If Alberta never stepped on another stage for the rest of her life, she knew the people who loved her would still consider her a star.
And when you had your family’s love, who needed applause?
EPILOGUE
Un uccello non lascia mai veramente il nido.
The rest of the show’s run went off without a hitch. No performance ever matched the intensity and surrealism of opening night, but the cast banded together like soldiers in a foxhole and for the next three weekends, they played to sold-out audiences who showered them with flowers, praise, and more bravos than Patti LuPone and Nathan Lane had ever received.
Tambra stepped back into her role after Adrienne was carted off to jail to await her trial. and although she had to hobble around the stage using a crutch and wore an ankle cast that clashed with her 1940s dress, with its cap sleeves and flouncy skirt, the slightly disabled detective was an upgrade from the two-time murderer who previously played the role.
Nola hosted a closing night party at the theatre that turned out to be a bittersweet affair. She officially ended her relationship with Johnny. He had told her too many lies, and she could no longer trust him. Bruno was there to pick up the pieces, but it was too soon to tell if Nola would finally notice the good guy standing in front of her.
Instead of running away in shame, Kip was relieved that his past had been exposed. He explained that his relationship with his boyfriend had hit a rough patch, but he swore he had nothing to do with Wesley’s disappearance or his murder. He confessed that the hours he was gone from the hotel in Bangor were because he had a rendezvous with a guy he met online. He wasn’t proud of his actions, but he knew if he didn’t explain himself, a cloud of doubt would follow him around for the rest of his life. He didn’t want his newfound friends to always look at him suspiciously.
A week after the show closed, Joyce and Sloan showed up at Alberta’s with Helen and Jinx in tow and threw a huge bag on Alberta’s kitchen table.
“Dio mio, Joyce!” Alberta cried. “What’s all this?”
“This, my celebrity sisters-in-law, is your fan mail,” Joyce said.
“Are you kidding me?” Alberta asked.
“Why are you surprised Berta? We were a smash hit,” Helen said. “I’m already talking to Nola about our next production. I’m thinking of the female version of Neil Simon’s The Sunshine Boys.”
“Not on your life, Helen,” Alberta said. “That one show almost killed me, literally; if you want to risk fate and do another one, you’re on your own.”
“Fine,” Helen said. “There are a few one-woman shows I’ve been eyeing as my next vehicle.”
When they were halfway through the pile of mail, there was a knock on the door. When Alberta saw that it was Vinny and Donna she said, “Can I finally tell everyone your secret?”
“You know?” Vinny asked.
“That you and Donna are a couple?” Alberta asked. “Of course I know.”
“You don’t know anything, Alfie,” Vinny said.
“That’s what I tried to tell her,” Donna said. “But she’s a little stubborn, that one, if you haven’t noticed.”
“You two have been scurrying around town having a clandestine affair for months,” Alberta said.
“We’re not a couple,” Vinny insisted. “Donna’s been helping me with this.”
Vinny tossed an envelope onto the table. It wasn’t as big as the bag of fan mail, but it caused the same amount of commotion.
“What’s that?” Sloan asked.
“My novel,” Vinny said proudly.
“You wrote a novel?” Joyce asked.
“Yup,” Vinny said. “And Donna helped edit it.”
“Vinny’s a wonderful writer,” Donna said. “He just needed some nips and tucks here and there.”
“Stupefacente!” Alberta cried. “I can’t believe you wrote a book. What’s it about?”
“You,” Vinny said.
“Me?” Alberta replied.
“It’s a murder mystery about an old lady who turns out to be one helluva detective,” Vinny said. “It’s called What’s Murder All About, Alfie?”
The group roared with laughter and loved the title, but the celebration was short-lived. One of the cards in the bag had a very distinctive handwriting that Alberta recognized immediately. And she should because the writing was her daughter’s.
“Gram, what’s wrong?” Jinx asked.
“This card is from your mother,” Alberta said, her face suddenly pale.
“Lisa Marie sent you a card?” Joyce asked.
Her hands shaking, Alberta ripped open the envelope and took out the card as everyone around her grew silent. She stared at the picture of the blue hydrangeas on the cover, the same flowers that grew in her backyard. She was filled with so many emotions; she was thrilled to hear from Lisa Marie after all these years, but she was also ashamed that she hadn’t been the one to reach out first. When she opened the card, however, she gasped, and was frightened by the few words her daughter had written.
“Gram, what is it?” Jinx asked. “What does my mother say?”
“Just one sentence,” Alberta replied. “‘I need your help.’ ”
Recipes from the Ferrara Family Kitchen
Joyce’s Low Carb Eggplant Bruschetta
1 large eggplant
6 fresh basil leaves, chopped
4 tomatoes, diced
½ cup artichoke hearts, quartered
¼ cup kalamata olives, halved
¼ cup capers
3 tablespoons balsamic vinegar
¾ teaspoon onion powder
¾ teaspoon salt
½ teaspoon pepper
1. Combine basil, tomatoes, artichoke hearts, olives, capers, vinegar, garlic, onion powder, salt, and pepper in a bowl. Cover and refrigerate for 2 hours.
2. Preheat oven to 400 degrees.
3. Slice eggplant in ½ inch slices. Drizzle with balsamic and sprinkle with salt and pepper.
4. Bake for 10 minutes. Flip ‘em and bake for another 10 minutes.
5. Top each eggplant slice with the bruschetta mixture.
Bruno & Alberta’s Swedish Sicilian Meatballs
1 pound ground beef
1 egg
½ cup Italian flavored breadcrumbs
1 onion, minced
½ teaspoon salt
¼ teaspoon nutmeg
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
2 cups milk
⅓ cup water
1 package McCormick Swedish Meatball mix
4 cups of cooked spaghetti
1. Mix ground beef, egg, breadcrumbs, onion, salt, and nutmeg in a large bowl. Shape the beef into about 20 meatballs. The nutmeg and the Italian breadcrumbs make for an interesting taste combination!
2. Heat a skillet over medium-high heat and add the oil.
3. Add the meatballs and cook until brown.
4. Drain meatballs and set aside on a paper towel.
5. In another skillet stir in milk, McCormick mix, and simmer on medium until it boils. Reduce heat and simmer for about another minute to thicken.
6. Add in meatballs and cook for another few minutes.
7. Serve the meatballs and sauce over the spaghetti.
Alberta’s Favorite Bacon-Wrapped Mushroom
2 pints mushrooms
1 pound bacon
1 quart white vinegar
2 teaspoons salt
2 teaspoons pepper
1 tablespoon oregano
1 cup extra virgin olive oil
2 lemons
1. Cut the bacon slices in half.
2. Wrap each mushroom with half a piece of bacon and secure them with a toothpick.
3. Mix the vinegar, olive oil, salt, pepper, oregano in a bowl.
4. Squeeze in the lemons.
5. Add the mushrooms and refrigerate for at least two hours.
6. Preheat oven to 375 degrees and bake for 30 minutes or so until the bacon is done.
7. Place on paper towels to absorb the grease.
Jinx’s Gluten Free, Non-Dairy Baked Ziti with Fauxsage
1 16-ounce package of gluten-free ziti
2 packages of Tofurky Italian sausage
1 15-ounce container of non-dairy ricotta cheese—
Kite Hill is my fave
1 egg
1 onion, minced
2 teaspoons of minced garlic
1 teaspoon dried oregano
½ teaspoon salt
½ teaspoon black pepper
1 26-ounce jar of pasta sauce
1 8-ounce package of non-dairy shredded Italian cheese—
Daiya brand is fab
1 teaspoon basil
1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees and grease a 9x13 inch baking dish.
2. Stir the gluten-free ziti into boiling water and cook uncovered for about 8 minutes.
3. While the ziti is cooking, heat a large skillet over medium heat. Add the fauxsage and cook for about 10 minutes. Drain those babies and set them aside.
4. Stir the non-dairy ricotta, egg, onion, garlic, and oregano in a large bowl and then stir in the ziti, fauxsage, salt, pepper, and ½ jar of pasta sauce. (Do not let my Gram or any Italian woman over the age of 50 know that you’re using sauce from a jar. Trust me!)
5. Cover the bottom of the baking dish with sauce, then layer in the ziti/fauxsage mix, and add ½ of the shredded cheese. Repeat this step and sprinkle with basil or whatever spice you like. Cover tightly with aluminum foil.
6. Bake in the oven for about 20 minutes. Take off the foil and bake for another 5-10 minutes or until the cheese is melted.