The Second Western Megapack

by Various Writers

  I thought so much about it on my way to Apache Mountain that I got so sleepy I seen I was gitting into no state to ride Cap’n Kidd. He got to looking back at me now and then, and I knowed if he seen me dozing in the saddle he’d try his derndest to break my neck. I was passing Cousin Bill Gordon’s barn about that time, so I thought I’d go in and take me a nap up in the hayloft, and maybe I’d dream about a way to make a water-drinker out of Uncle Shadrach or something.

  I tied Cap’n Kidd and started into the barn, and what should I see but Bill’s three youngest boys engaged in daubing paint on Uncle Jeppard Grimes’ favorite jackass, Joshua.

  “What air you all a-doin’ to Joshua?” I demanded, and they jumped back and looked guilty. Joshua was a critter which Uncle Jeppard used for a pack-mule when he went prospecting. He got the urge maybe every three or four year, and between times Joshua just et and slept. He was the sleepin’est jackass I ever seen. He was snoozing now, whilst them young idjits was working on him.

  I seen what they was at. Bill had loaned a feller some money which had a store down to War Paint, and the feller went broke, and give Bill a lot of stuff outa the store for pay. They was a lot of paint amongst it. Bill packed it home, though I dunno what he aimed to do with it, because all the houses in the Humbolts was log cabins which nobody ever painted, or if they did, they just white-washed ’em. But anyway, he had it all stored in his barn, and his boys was smearing it on Joshua.

  He was the derndest sight you ever seen. They’d painted a big stripe down his spine, like a Spanish mustang, only this stripe was green instead of black, and more stripes curving over his ribs and down under his belly, red, white and blue, and they’d painted his ears green.

  “What you all mean by sech doin’s?” I ast. “Uncle Jeppard’ll plumb skin you all alive. He sets a lot of store by that there jack.”

  “Aw, it’s just funnin’,” they said. “He won’t know who done it.”

  “You go scrub that paint off,” I ordered ’em. “Joshua’ll lick it off and git pizened.”

  “It won’t hurt him,” they assured me. “He got in here yesterday and et three cans of paint and a bucket of whitewash. That’s what give us the idee. He kin eat anything. Eatin’est jack you ever seen.”

  “Heh, heh, heh!” snickered one of ’em. “He looks like a drunkard’s dream!”

  Instantly a idee hit me.

  “Gimme that jackass!” I exclaimed. “He’s just what I need to kyore Uncle Shadrach Polk of drinkin’ licker. One glimpse of that there jack in his present state and Uncle Shadrach’ll think he’s got the delerious trimmin’s and git so scairt he’ll swear off whiskey for life.”

  “If you aims to lead Joshua to Joel’s stillhouse,” they said, “you’ll be all day gittin’ there. You cain’t hustle Joshua.”

  “I ain’t goin to lead him,” I said. “You all hitch a couple of mules to yore pa’s spring wagon. I’ll leave Cap’n Kidd here till I git back.”

  “We’ll put him in the corral behind the barn,” they says. “Them posts are set four foot deep in concrete and the fence is braced with railroad iron, so maybe it’ll hold him till you git back, if you ain’t gone too long.”

  * * * *

  When they got the mules hitched, I tied Joshua’s laigs and laid him in the wagon bed, where he went to sleep, and I climbed onto the seat and lit out for Apache Mountain. I hadn’t went far when I run over a rock and woke Joshua up and he started braying and kept it up till I stopped and give him a ear of corn to chew on. As I started off again I seen Dick Grimes’ youngest gal peeping at me from the bresh, and when I called to her she run off. I hoped she hadn’t heard Joshua braying. I knowed she couldn’t see him, laying down in the wagon bed, but he had a very pecooliar bray and anybody in the Humbolts could recognize him by it. I hoped she didn’t know I had Joshua, because she was the derndest tattletale in the Bear Creek country, and Uncle Jeppard is such a cross-grained old cuss you can’t explain nothing to him. He was born with the notion that the whole world was plotting agen him.

  It hadn’t been much more’n good daylight when I rode past Uncle Shadrach’s house, and I’d pushed Cap’n Kidd purty brisk from there; the mules made good time, so it warn’t noon yet when I come to Apache Mountain. As I approached the settlement, which was a number of cabins strung up and down a breshy run, I swung wide of the wagon-road and took to the trails, because I didn’t want nobody to see me with Joshua. It was kind of tough going, because the trails was mostly footpaths and not wide enough for the wagon, and I had to stop and pull up saplings every few yards. I was scairt the noise would wake up Joshua and he’d start braying again, but that jackass could sleep through a bombardment, long as he warn’t being jolted personal.

  I was purty close to the settlement when I had to git out of the wagon and go ahead and break down some bresh so the wheels wouldn’t foul, and when I laid hold of it, a couple of figgers jumped up on the other side. One was Cousin Buckner Kirby’s gal Kit, and t’other’n was young Harry Braxton from the other side of the mountain, and no kin to none of us.

  “Oh!” says Kit, kind of breathless.

  “What you all doin’ out here?” I scowled, fixing Harry with a eye which made him shiver and fuss with his gun-belt. “Air yore intentions honorable, Braxton?”

  “I dunno what business it is of yore’n,” said Kit bitterly.

  “I makes it mine,” I assured her. “If this young buck cain’t come sparkin’ you at a respectable place and hour, why, I figgers—”

  “Yore remarks is ignorant and insultin’,” says Harry, sweating profusely, but game. “I aims to make this here young lady my wife, if it warn’t for the toughest prospective father-in-law ever blighted young love’s sweet dream with a number twelve boot in the seat of the pants.”

  “To put it in words of one syllable so’s even you can understand, Breckinridge,” says Kit, “Harry wants to marry me, but pap is too derned mean and stubborn to let us. He don’t like the Braxtons account of one of ’em skun him in a hoss-swap thirty years ago.”

  “I don’t love ’em myself,” I grunted. “But go on.”

  “Well,” she says, “after pap had kicked Harry out of the house five or six times, and dusted his britches with birdshot on another occasion, we kind of got the idee that he was prejudiced agen Harry. So we has to take this here method of seein’ each other.”

  “Whyn’t you all run off and git married anyway?” I ast.

  Kit shivered. “We wouldn’t dare try it. Pap might wake up and catch us, and he’d shoot Harry. I taken a big chance sneakin’ out here today. Ma and the kids are all over visitin’ a few days with Aunt Ouachita, but pap wouldn’t let me go for fear I’d meet Harry over there. I snuck out here for a few minutes—pap thinks I’m gatherin’ greens for dinner—but if I don’t hustle back he’ll come lookin’ for me with a hickory gad.”

  “Aw, shucks,” I said. “You all got to use yore brains like I do. You leave it to me. I’ll git yore old man out of the way for the night, and give you a chance to skip.”

  “How’ll you do that?” Kit ast skeptically.

  “Never mind,” I told her, not having the slightest idee how I was going to do it. “I’ll ’tend to that. You git yore things ready, and you, Harry, you come along the road in a buckboard just about moonrise, and Kit’ll be waitin’ for you. You all can git hitched over to War Paint. Buckner won’t do nothin’ after yo’re hitched.”

  “Will you, shore enough?” says Harry, brightening up.

  “Shore I will,” I assured him. “Vamoose now, and git that buckboard.”

  * * * *

  He hustled off, and I said to Kit: “Git in the wagon and ride to the settlement with me. This time tomorrer you’ll be a happy married woman shore enough.”

  “I hope so,” she said sad-like. “But I’m bettin’ somethin’ will go wrong and pap’ll catch us, and I’ll eat my meals off the mantel-board for the next week.”

  “Trust me,” I assured her, as I helped her in the w
agon.

  She didn’t seem much surprised when she looked down in the bed and seen Joshua all tied up and painted and snoring his head off. Humbolt folks expects me to do onusual things.

  “You needn’t look like you thought I was crazy,” I says irritably. “That critter is for Uncle Shadrach Polk.”

  “If Uncle Shadrach sees that thing,” says she, “he’ll think he’s seein’ worse’n snakes.”

  “That’s what I aim for him to think,” I says. “Who’s he stayin’ with?”

  “Us,” says she.

  “Hum!” I says. “That there complicates things a little. Whar-at does he sleep?”

  “Upstairs,” she says.

  “Well,” I says, “he won’t interfere with our elopement none. You git outa here and go on home, and don’t let yore pap suspect nothin’.”

  “I’d be likely to, wouldn’t I?” says she, and clumb down and pulled out.

  I’d stopped in a thicket at the aidge of the settlement, and I could see the roof of Cousin Buckner’s house from where I was. I could also hear Cousin Buckner bellering: “Kit! Kit! Whar air you? I know you ain’t in the garden. If I have to come huntin’ you, I ’low I’ll—”

  “Aw, keep yore britches on,” I heard Kit call. “I’m a-comin’!”

  I heard Cousin Buckner subside into grumblings and rumblings like a grizzly talking to hisself. I figgered he was out on the road which run past his house, but I couldn’t see him and neither he couldn’t see me, nor nobody could which might happen to be passing along the road. I onhitched the mules and tied ’em where they could graze and git water, and I h’isted Joshua outa the wagon, and taken the ropes offa his laigs and tied him to a tree, and fed him and the mules with some corn I’d brung from Cousin Bill Gordon’s. Then I went through the bresh till I come to Joel Garfield’s stillhouse, which was maybe half a mile from there, up the run. I didn’t meet nobody.

  Joel was by hisself in the stillhouse, for a wonder, but he was making up for lack of trade by his own personal attention to his stock.

  “Ain’t Uncle Shadrach Polk nowhere around?” I ast, and Joel lowered a jug of white corn long enough to answer me.

  “Naw,” he says, “he ain’t right now. He’s likely still sleepin’ off the souse he was on last night. He didn’t leave here till after midnight,” says Joel, with another pull at the jug, “and he was takin’ all sides of the road to onst. He’ll pull in about the middle of the afternoon and start in to fillin’ his hide so full he can just barely stagger back to Buckner Kirby’s house by midnight or past. I bet he has a fine old time navigatin’ them stairs Buckner’s got into his house. I’d be afeared to tackle ’em myself, even when I was sober. A pole ladder is all I want to git into a loft with, but Buckner always did have high-falutin’ idees. Lately he’s been argyin’ with Uncle Shadrach to cut down on his drinkin’—specially when he’s full hisself.”

  Speakin’ of Cousin Buckner,” I says, “has he been around for his regular dram yet?”

  “Not yet,” says Joel. “He’ll be in right after dinner, as usual.”

  “He wouldn’t if he knowed what I knowed,” I opined, because I’d thought up a way to git Cousin Buckner out of the way that night. “He’d be headin’ for Wolf Canyon fast as he could spraddle. I just met Harry Braxton with a pack-mule headin’ for there.”

  “You don’t mean somebody’s made a strike in Wolf Canyon?” says Joel, pricking up his ears.

  “You never heard nothin’ like it,” I assured him. “Alder Gulch warn’t nothin’ to this.”

  “Hum!” says Joel, absent-mindedly pouring hisself a quart-size tin cup full of corn juice.

  “I’m a Injun if it ain’t!” I says, and dranken me a dram and went back to lay in the bresh and watch the Kirby house. I was well pleased with myself, because I knowed what a wolf Cousin Buckner was after gold. If anything could draw him away from home and his daughter, it would be news of a big strike. I was willing to bet my six-shooters against a prickly pear that as soon as Joel told him the news, he’d light out for Wolf Canyon. More especially as he’d think Harry Braxton was going there, too, and no chance of him sneaking off with Kit whilst the old man was gone.

  * * * *

  After a while I seen Cousin Buckner leave the house and go down the road towards the stillhouse, and purty soon Uncle Shadrach emerged and headed the same way. Purty well satisfied with myself, I went back to where I left Cousin Bill’s wagon, and fried me five or six pounds of venison I’d brung along for provisions and et it, and drunk at the creek, and then laid down and slept for a few hours.

  It was right at sundown when I woke up. I went on foot through the bresh till I come out behind Buckner’s cow-pen and seen Kit milking. I ast her if anybody was in the house.

  “Nobody but me,” she said. “And I’m out here. I ain’t seen neither pap nor Uncle Shadrach since they left right after dinner. Can it be yore scheme is actually workin’ out?”

  “Certainly,” I says. “Uncle Shadrach’ll be swillin’ at Joel’s stillhouse till past midnight, and yore pap is ondoubtedly on his way towards Wolf Canyon. You git through with yore chores, and git ready to skip. Don’t have no light in yore room, though. It’s just likely yore pap told off one of his relatives to lay in the bresh and watch the house—him bein’ of a suspicious nater. We don’t want to have no bloodshed. When I hear Harry’s buckboard I’ll come for you. And if you hear any pecooliar noises before he gits here, don’t think nothin’ of it. It’ll just be me luggin’ Joshua upstairs.”

  “That critter’ll bray fit to wake the dead,” says she.

  “He won’t, neither,” I said. “He’ll go to sleep and keep his mouth shet. Uncle Shadrach won’t suspect nothin’ till he lights him a candle to go to bed by. Or if he’s too drunk to light a candle, and just falls down on the bed in the dark, he’ll wake up durin’ the night some time to git him a drink of water. He’s bound to see Joshua some time between midnight and mornin’. All I hope is the shock won’t prove fatal. You go git ready to skip now.”

  I went back to the wagon and cooked me some more venison, also about a dozen aigs Kit had give me along with some corn pone and a gallon of buttermilk. I managed to make a light snack out of them morsels, and then, as soon as it was good and dark, I hitched up the mules and loaded Joshua into the wagon and went slow and easy down the road. I stopped behind the corral and tied the mules.

  The house was dark and still. I toted Joshua into the house and carried him upstairs. I heard Kit moving around in her room, but they warn’t nobody else in the house.

  * * * *

  Cousin Buckner had regular stairs in his house like what they have in big towns like War Paint and the like. Most folks in the Bear Creek country just has a ladder going up through a trap-door, and some said they would be a jedgment onto Buckner account of him indulging in such vain and sinful luxury, but I got to admit that packing a jackass up a flight of stairs was a lot easier than what it would have been to lug him up a ladder.

  Joshua didn’t bray nor kick none. He didn’t care what was happening to him so long as he didn’t have to do no work personal. I onfastened his laigs and tied a rope around his neck and t’other end to the foot of Uncle Shadrach’s bunk, and give him a hat I found on a pag to chaw on till he went to sleep, which I knowed he’d do pronto.

  I then went downstairs and heard Kit fussing around in her room, but it warn’t time for Harry, so I went back out behind the corral and sot down and leaned my back agen the fence, and I reckon I must of gone to sleep. Just associating with Joshua give a man the habit. First thing I knowed I heard a buckboard rumbling over a bridge up the draw, and knowed it was Harry coming in fear and trembling to claim his bride. The moon warn’t up yet but they was a glow above the trees on the eastern ridges.

  I jumped up and ran quick and easy to Kit’s winder—I can move light as a cougar in spite of my size—and I said: “Kit, air you ready?”

  “I’m ready!” she whispered, all of a tremble. “Don’t talk
so loud!”

  “They ain’t nothin’ to be scairt of,” I soothed her, but lowered my voice just to humor her. “Yore pap is in Wolf Canyon by this time. Ain’t nobody in the house but us. I been watchin’ out by the corral.”

  Kit sniffed.

  “Warn’t that you I heard come into the house while ago?” she ast.

  “You been dreamin’,” I said. “Come on! That’s Harry’s buckboard comin’ up the road.”

  “Lemme get just a few more things together!” she whispered, fumbling around in the dark. That’s just like a woman. No matter how much time they has aforehand, they always has something to do at the last minute.

  I waited by the winder and Harry druv on past the house a few rods and tied the hoss and come back, walking light and soft, and plenty pale in the starlight.

  “Go on out the front door and meet him,” I told her. “No, wait!”

  Because all to onst Harry had ducked back out of the road, and he jumped over the fence and come to the winder where I was. He was shaking like a leaf.

  “Somebody comin’ up the road afoot!” he says.

  “It’s pap!” gasped Kit. Her and Harry was shore scairt of the old man. They hadn’t said a word above a whisper you could never of heard three yards away, and I was kinda suiting my voice to their’n.

  “Aw, it cain’t be!” I said. “He’s in Wolf Canyon. That’s Uncle Shadrach comin’ home to sleep off his drunk, but he’s back a lot earlier’n what I figgered he would be. He ain’t important, but we don’t want no delay. Here, Kit, gimme that bag. Now lemme lift you outa the winder. So! Now you all skin out. I’m goin’ to climb this here tree whar I can see the fun. Git!”

  They crope out the side-gate of the yard just as Uncle Shadrach come in at the front gate, and he never seen ’em because the house was between ’em. They went so soft and easy I thought if Cousin Buckner had been in the house he wouldn’t of woke up. They was hustling down the road towards the buckboard as Uncle Shadrach was coming up on the porch and going into the hall. I could hear him climbing the stair. I could of seen him if they’d been a light in the house, because I could look into a winder in his room and one in the downstairs hall, too, from the tree where I was setting.