Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (Puffin Modern Classics relaunch)

by Roald Dahl

  We’ve polished off her parents, too).

  Down goes Veruca! Down the drain!

  And here, perhaps, we should explain

  That she will meet, as she descends,

  A rather different set of friends

  To those that she has left behind –

  These won’t be nearly so refined.

  A fish head, for example, cut

  This morning from a halibut.

  “Hello! Good morning! How d’you do?

  How nice to meet you! How are you?”

  And then a little further down

  A mass of others gather round:

  A bacon rind, some rancid lard,

  A loaf of bread gone stale and hard,

  A steak that nobody could chew,

  An oyster from an oyster stew,

  Some liverwurst so old and grey

  One smelled it from a mile away,

  A rotten nut, a reeky pear,

  A thing the cat left on the stair,

  And lots of other things as well,

  Each with a rather horrid smell.

  These are Veruca’s new-foundfriends

  That she will meet as she descends,

  And this is the price she has to pay

  For going so very far astray.

  But now, my dears, we think you might

  Be wondering – is it really right

  That every single bit of blame

  And all the scolding and the shame

  Should fall upon Veruca Salt?

  Is she the only one at fault?

  For though she’s spoiled, and dreadfully so,

  A girl can’t spoil herself,you know.

  Who spoiled her, then? Ah, who indeed?

  Who pandered to her every need?

  Who turned her into such a brat?

  Who are the culprits? Who did that?

  Alas! You needn’t look so far

  To find out who these sinners are.

  They are (and this is very sad)

  Her loving parents, MUM and DAD.

  And that is why we’re glad they fell

  Into the rubbish chute as well.’

  25

  The Great Glass Lift

  ‘I’ve never seen anything like it!’ cried Mr Wonka. ‘The children are disappearing like rabbits! But you mustn’t worry about it! They’ll all come out in the wash!’

  Mr Wonka looked at the little group that stood beside him in the corridor. There were only two children left now – Mike Teavee and Charlie Bucket. And there were three grown-ups, Mr and Mrs Teavee and Grandpa Joe. ‘Shall we move on?’ Mr Wonka asked.

  ‘Oh, yes!’ cried Charlie and Grandpa Joe, both together.

  ‘My feet are getting tired,’ said Mike Teavee. ‘I want to watch television.’

  ‘If you’re tired then we’d better take the lift,’ said Mr Wonka. ‘It’s over here. Come on! In we go!’ He skipped across the passage to a pair of double doors. The doors slid open. The two children and the grown-ups went in.

  ‘Now then,’ cried Mr Wonka, ‘which button shall we press first? Take your pick!’

  Charlie Bucket stared around him in astonishment. This was the craziest lift he had ever seen. There were buttons everywhere! The walls, and even the ceiling, were covered all over with rows and rows and rows of small, black push buttons! There must have been a thousand of them on each wall, and another thousand on the ceiling! And now Charlie noticed that every single button had a tiny printed label beside it telling you which room you would be taken to if you pressed it.

  ‘This isn’t just an ordinary up-and-down lift!’ announced Mr Wonka proudly. ‘This lift can go sideways and longways and slantways and any other way you can think of! It can visit any single room in the whole factory, no matter where it is! You simply press the button… and zing!… you’re off!’

  ‘Fantastic!’ murmured Grandpa Joe. His eyes were shining with excitement as he stared at the rows of buttons.

  ‘The whole lift is made of thick, clear glass!’ Mr Wonka declared. ‘Walls, doors, ceiling, floor, everything is made of glass so that you can see out!’

  ‘But there’s nothing to see,’ said Mike Teavee.

  ‘Choose a button!’ said Mr Wonka. ‘The two children may press one button each. So take your pick! Hurry up! In every room, something delicious and wonderful is being made.’

  Quickly, Charlie started reading some of the labels alongside the buttons.

  THE ROCK-CANDY MINE – 10,000 FEET DEEP, it said on one.

  COKERNUT-ICE SKATING RINKS, it said on another.

  Then… STRAWBERRY-JUICE WATER PISTOLS.

  TOFFEE-APPLE TREES FOR PLANTING OUT IN YOUR GARDEN – ALL SIZES.

  EXPLODING SWEETS FOR YOUR ENEMIES.

  LUMINOUS LOLLIES FOR EATING IN BED AT NIGHT.

  MINT JUJUBES FOR THE BOY NEXT DOOR – THEY’LL GIVE HIM GREEN TEETH FOR A MONTH.

  CAVITY-FILLING CARAMELS – NO MORE DENTISTS.

  STICKJAW FOR TALKATIVE PARENTS.

  WRIGGLE-SWEETS THAT WRIGGLE DELIGHTFULLY IN YOUR TUMMY AFTER SWALLOWING.

  INVISIBLE CHOCOLATE BARS FOR EATING IN CLASS.

  SUGAR-COATED PENCILS FOR SUCKING.

  FIZZY LEMONADE SWIMMING POOLS.

  MAGIC HAND-FUDGE – WHEN YOU HOLD IT IN YOUR HAND, YOU TASTE IT IN YOUR MOUTH.

  RAINBOW DROPS – SUCK THEM AND YOU CAN SPIT IN SIX DIFFERENT COLOURS.

  ‘Come on, come on!’ cried Mr Wonka. ‘We can’t wait all day!’

  ‘Isn’t there a Television Room in all this lot?’ asked Mike Teavee.

  ‘Certainly there’s a television room,’ Mr Wonka said. ‘That button over there.’ He pointed with his finger. Everybody looked. TELEVISION CHOCOLATE, it said on the tiny label beside the button.

  ‘Whoopee!’ shouted Mike Teavee. ‘That’s for me!’ He stuck out his thumb and pressed the button. Instantly, there was a tremendous whizzing noise. The doors clanged shut and the lift leaped away as though it had been stung by a wasp. But it leapt sideways! And all the passengers (except Mr Wonka, who was holding on to a strap from the ceiling) were flung off their feet on to the floor.

  ‘Get up, get up!’ cried Mr Wonka, roaring with laughter. But just as they were staggering to their feet, the lift changed direction and swerved violently round a corner. And over they went once more.

  ‘Help!’ shouted Mrs Teavee.

  ‘Take my hand, madam,’ said Mr Wonka gallantly. ‘There you are! Now grab this strap! Everybody grab a strap. The journey’s not over yet!’

  Old Grandpa Joe staggered to his feet and caught hold of a strap. Little Charlie, who couldn’t possibly reach as high as that, put his arms around Grandpa Joe’s legs and hung on tight.

  The lift rushed on at the speed of a rocket. Now it was beginning to climb. It was shooting up and up and up on a steep slanty course as if it were climbing a very steep hill. Then suddenly, as though it had come to the top of the hill and gone over a precipice, it dropped like a stone and Charlie felt his tummy coming right up into his throat, and

  Grandpa Joe shouted, ‘Yippee! Here we go!’ and Mrs Teavee cried out, ‘The rope has broken! We’re going to crash!’ And Mr Wonka said, ‘Calm yourself, my dear lady,’ and patted her comfortingly on the arm. And then Grandpa Joe looked down at Charlie who was clinging to his legs, and he said, ‘Are you all right, Charlie?’ Charlie shouted, ‘I love it! It’s like being on a roller coaster!’ And through the glass walls of the lift, as it rushed along, they caught sudden glimpses of strange and wonderful things going on in some of the other rooms:

  An enormous spout with brown sticky stuff oozing out of it on to the floor…

  A great, craggy mountain made entirely of fudge, with Oompa-Loompas (all roped together for safety) hacking huge hunks of fudge out of its sides…

  A machine with white powder spraying out of it like a snowstorm…

  A lake of hot caramel with steam coming off it…

  A village of Oompa-Loompas, with tiny houses and streets and
hundreds of Oompa-Loompa children no more than four inches high playing in the streets…

  And now the lift began flattening out again, but it seemed to be going faster than ever, and Charlie could hear the scream of the wind outside as it hurtled forward… and it twisted… and it turned… and it went up… and it went down… and…

  ‘I’m going to be sick!’ yelled Mrs Teavee, turning green in the face.

  ‘Please don’t be sick,’ said Mr Wonka.

  ‘Try and stop me!’ said Mrs Teavee.

  ‘Then you’d better take this,’ said Mr Wonka, and he swept his magnificent black top hat off his head, and held it out, upside down, in front of Mrs Teavee’s mouth.

  ‘Make this awful thing stop!’ ordered Mr Teavee.

  ‘Can’t do that,’ said Mr Wonka. ‘It won’t stop till we get there. I only hope no one’s using the other lift at this moment.’

  ‘What other lift?’ screamed Mrs Teavee.

  ‘The one that goes the opposite way on the same track as this one,’ said Mr Wonka.

  ‘Holy mackerel!’ cried Mr Teavee. ‘You mean we might have a collision?’

  ‘I’ve always been lucky so far,’ said Mr Wonka.

  ‘Now I am going to be sick!’ yelled Mrs Teavee.

  ‘No, no!’ said Mr Wonka. ‘Not now! We’re nearly there! Don’t spoil my hat!’

  The next moment, there was a screaming of brakes, and the lift began to slow down. Then it stopped altogether.

  ‘Some ride!’ said Mr Teavee, wiping his great sweaty face with a handkerchief.

  ‘Never again!’ gasped Mrs Teavee. And then the doors of the lift slid open and Mr Wonka said, ‘Just a minute now! Listen to me! I want everybody to be very careful in this room. There is dangerous stuff around in here and you must not tamper with it.’

  26

  The Television-Chocolate Room

  The Teavee family, together with Charlie and Grandpa Joe, stepped out of the lift into a room so dazzlingly bright and dazzlingly white that they screwed up their eyes in pain and stopped walking. Mr Wonka handed each of them a pair of dark glasses and said, ‘Put these on quick! And don’t take them off in here whatever you do! This light could blind you!’

  As soon as Charlie had his dark glasses on, he was able to look around him in comfort. He saw a long narrow room. The room was painted white all over. Even the floor was white, and there wasn’t a speck of dust anywhere. From the ceiling, huge lamps hung down and bathed the room in a brilliant blue-white light. The room was completely bare except at the far ends. At one of these ends there was an enormous camera on wheels, and a whole army of Oompa-Loompas was clustering around it, oiling its joints and adjusting its knobs and polishing its great glass lens. The Oompa-Loompas were all dressed in the most extraordinary way. They were wearing bright-red space suits, complete with helmets and goggles – at least they looked like space suits – and they were working in complete silence. Watching them, Charlie experienced a queer sense of danger. There was something dangerous about this whole business, and the Oompa-Loompas knew it. There was no chattering or singing among them here, and they moved about over the huge black camera slowly and carefully in their scarlet space suits.

  At the other end of the room, about fifty paces away from the camera, a single Oompa-Loompa (also wearing a space suit) was sitting at a black table gazing at the screen of a very large television set.

  ‘Here we go!’ cried Mr Wonka, hopping up and down with excitement. ‘This is the Testing Room for my very latest and greatest invention – Television Chocolate!’

  ‘But what is Television Chocolate?’ asked Mike Teavee.

  ‘Good heavens, child, stop interrupting me!’ said Mr Wonka. ‘It works by television. I don’t like television myself. I suppose it’s all right in small doses, but children never seem to be able to take it in small doses. They want to sit there all day long staring and staring at the screen…’

  ‘That’s me!’ said Mike Teavee.

  ‘Shut up!’ said Mr Teavee.

  ‘Thank you,’ said Mr Wonka. T shall now tell you how this amazing television set of mine works. But first of all, do you know how ordinary television works? It is very simple. At one end, where the picture is being taken, you have a large ciné camera and you start photographing something. The photographs are then split up into millions of tiny little pieces which are so small that you can’t see them, and these little pieces are shot out into the sky by electricity. In the sky, they go whizzing around all over the place until suddenly they hit the antenna on the roof of somebody’s house. They then go flashing down the wire that leads right into the back of the television set, and in there they get jiggled and joggled around until at last every single one of those millions of tiny pieces is fitted back into its right place (just like a jigsaw puzzle), and presto! – the photograph appears on the screen…’

  ‘That isn’t exactly how it works,’ Mike Teavee said.

  ‘I am a little deaf in my left ear,’ Mr Wonka said. ‘You must forgive me if I don’t hear everything you say.’

  ‘I said, that isn’t exactly how it works!’ shouted Mike Teavee.

  ‘You’re a nice boy,’ Mr Wonka said, ‘but you talk too much. Now then! The very first time I saw ordinary television working, I was struck by a tremendous idea. “Look here!” I shouted. “If these people can break up a photograph into millions of pieces and send the pieces whizzing through the air and then put them together again at the other end, why can’t I do the same thing with a bar of chocolate? Why can’t I send a real bar of chocolate whizzing through the air in tiny pieces and then put the pieces together at the other end, all ready to be eaten?” ’

  ‘Impossible!’ said Mike Teavee.

  ‘You think so?’ cried Mr Wonka. ‘Well, watch this! I shall now send a bar of my very best chocolate from one end of this room to the other by television! Get ready, there! Bring in the chocolate!’

  Immediately, six Oompa-Loompas marched forward carrying on their shoulders the most enormous bar of chocolate Charlie had ever seen. It was about the size of the mattress he slept on at home.

  ‘It has to be big,’ Mr Wonka explained, ‘because whenever you send something by television, it always comes out much smaller than it was when it went in. Even with ordinary television, when you photograph a big man, he never comes out on your screen any taller than a pencil, does he? Here we go, then! Get ready! No, no! Stop! Hold everything! You there! Mike Teavee! Stand back! You’re too close to the camera! There are dangerous rays coming out of that thing! They could break you up into a million tiny pieces in one second! That’s why the Oompa-Loompas are wearing space suits! The suits protect them! All right! That’s better! Now, then! Switch on!’

  One of the Oompa-Loompas caught hold of a large switch and pulled it down.

  There was a blinding flash.

  ‘The chocolate’s gone!’ shouted Grandpa Joe, waving his arms.

  He was quite right! The whole enormous bar of chocolate had disappeared completely into thin air!

  ‘It’s on its way!’ cried Mr Wonka. ‘It is now rushing through the air above our heads in a million tiny pieces. Quick! Come over here!’ He dashed over to the other end of the room where the large television set was standing, and the others followed him. ‘Watch the screen!’ he cried. ‘Here it comes! Look!’

  The screen flickered and lit up. Then suddenly, a small bar of chocolate appeared in the middle of the screen.

  ‘Take it!’ shouted Mr Wonka, growing more and more excited.

  ‘How can you take it?’ asked Mike Teavee, laughing. ‘It’s just a picture on a television screen!’

  ‘Charlie Bucket!’ cried Mr Wonka. ‘You take it! Reach out and grab it!’

  Charlie put out his hand and touched the screen, and suddenly, miraculously, the bar of chocolate came away in his fingers. He was so surprised he nearly dropped it.

  ‘Eat it!’ shouted Mr Wonka. ‘Go on and eat it! It’ll be delicious! It’s the same bar! It’s got smaller on
the journey, that’s all!’

  ‘It’s absolutely fantastic!’ gasped Grandpa Joe. ‘It’s… it’s… it’s a miracle!’

  ‘Just imagine,’ cried Mr Wonka, ‘when I start using this across the country… you’ll be sitting at home watching television and suddenly a commercial will flash on to the screen and a voice will say, “EAT WONKA’S CHOCOLATES! THEY’RE THE BEST IN THE WORLD! IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE US, TRY ONE FOR YOURSELF – NOW!” And you simply reach out and take one! How about that, eh?’

  ‘Terrific!’ cried Grandpa Joe. ‘It will change the world!’

  27

  Mike Teavee is Sent by Television

  Mike Teavee was even more excited than Grandpa Joe at seeing a bar of chocolate being sent by television. ‘But Mr Wonka,’ he shouted, ‘can you send other things through the air in the same way? Breakfast cereal, for instance?’

  ‘Oh, my sainted aunt!’ cried Mr Wonka. ‘Don’t mention that disgusting stuff in front of me! Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It’s made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!’

  ‘But could you send it by television if you wanted to, as you do chocolate?’ asked Mike Teavee.

  ‘Of course I could!’

  ‘And what about people?’ asked Mike Teavee. ‘Could you send a real live person from one place to another in the same way?’

  ‘A person!’ cried Mr Wonka. ‘Are you off your rocker?’

  ‘But could it be done?’

  ‘Good heavens, child, I really don’t know… I suppose it could… yes. I’m pretty sure it could… of course it could… I wouldn’t like to risk it, though… it might have some very nasty results…’

  But Mike Teavee was already off and running. The moment he heard Mr Wonka saying, ‘I’m pretty sure it could… of course it could,’ he turned away and started running as fast as he could towards the other end of the room where the great camera was standing. ‘Look at me!’ he shouted as he ran. ‘I’m going to be the first person in the world to be sent by television!’

  ‘No, no, no, no!’ cried Mr Wonka.