Whistling for the Elephants

by Sandi Toksvig

  ‘I would like to share with you the last words of Crowfoot, great Blackfoot warrior,’ she said, clearing her throat as tears poured unbidden down her face. “‘What is life? It is the flash of the firefly in the night. It is the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.” We’ll miss you, Perry. You were our family.’

  Uncle Eddie and Joey carried the coffin. It wasn’t easy — they were such different heights — but they gave it what dignity they could. Afterwards Uncle Eddie spoke quietly to Aunt Bonnie.

  ‘Be careful. Harry’s gone kind of crazy.’

  Aunt Bonnie stroked Eddie’s arm and said, ‘Eddie, go up to the camp. Bring home the kids.’

  Things changed after that. For example, I don’t remember Judith wearing make-up again. She stopped doing all that stuff to her hair and even borrowed some pants from Helen to wear.

  Maybe it was guilt — I hope so — but Harry was definitely loony after that. We got news that he was moving to enforce an order against the zoo. Miss Strange hadn’t bothered with even trying for the licenses and now he was coming to close the place down. If he did then all the animals would be destroyed. We got together in the barn. Things didn’t look good but Helen was driving everyone on.

  ‘We need a plan,’ she said, pacing in front of us.

  ‘Forget it, Helen, it’s hopeless,’ sighed Miss Strange. Judith sat close to her mother, her head hung in despair.

  ‘Maybe we should just give up,’ agreed Judith. Sweetheart nodded and pulled her cardigan close around her.

  Helen shook her head. ‘We are not giving up on Artemesia and Betsy. Grace, this place is your life. You can’t give up on it now. Perry wouldn’t have wanted us to.’

  It was not a good moment to invoke the dead. More tears followed. I thought it was a good time to tell them about my telegram.

  ‘I made a plan,’ I said. Everyone looked at me. I think sometimes they forgot I was there. ‘It’s a military thing.

  My father told me. There was this General called Ha Ha Shepherd.’

  ‘Ha Ha?’ inquired Cosmos.

  ‘Not now,’ said Miss Strange.

  ‘No, really. Anyway, he was supposed to take this bridge from the Germans who were advancing on it, do you see? So General Shepherd sent a telegram pretending he was the German colonel, saying don’t worry about reinforcements, I’ve already taken the bridge. So they never came. You have to pretend that you have already won when you haven’t. So anyway, I sent one to the news people.’

  Sweetheart looked at me. ‘Sugar, what are you talking about?’

  ‘Well, Harry is a Republican, right? And Miss Strange said the elephant was the symbol of Harry’s party. The Republican elephant? So I sent a telegram to the news people. I watch it all the time, and they like little funny stories. Sometimes they show them on Johnny Carson. I sent them a telegram from Harry saying there was no truth in the rumour he, the Mayor of Sassaspaneck, was trying to destroy Artemesia, symbol of his party. In fact, he was trying to save her from the town. As they will never have heard about it I thought it might make them interested. They might send someone to check it out. Harry would have to stop and explain himself. I don’t think it would look too good.’

  ‘A telegram.’ Miss Strange patted me on the head. I knew she didn’t think it would work. No one was really paying much attention to me by then. Death was a big, grown-up thing and I guess they were beginning to think I should go home.

  The fire siren began to blast across the water. Two then four then one. It was the signal for the zoo.

  ‘Harry’s coming,’ said Helen. ‘We have to do something.’

  We went together to the locked entrance gates and waited. Christabel Pankhurst’s words hung above our heads as we waited. Judith, Helen, Cosmos, Sweetheart, Aunt Bonnie, Miss Strange, me, the goose and the orangutan. We could hear the wail of a police car and the big fire truck approaching. Helen was sitting curled up again. She was scared. We all were.

  ‘They can’t get in, right?’ asked Aunt Bonnie. ‘I mean, it is locked?’

  ‘I can’t do this, Mother, please,’ implored Judith, looking straight at Miss Strange. ‘Harry’s my husband. I have…

  Miss Strange looked at all of us.

  ‘Did you know,’ she began, ‘that it was a Judith who saved the Jewish people? The people were under siege so Judith used subterfuge, the subterfuge of a woman. She flirted with the attacking general, drank him under the table and she and her maid … what was her name?’

  Helen shrugged.

  ‘No,’ Miss Strange nodded. ‘History doesn’t like women to have names. Anyway, she and her maid whacked off the general’s head, stuck it in a picnic basket and escaped back to the Jewish camp. They staked his head high over the gate so when soldiers charged the camp they saw their general leering down at them and ran away. Judith set her maid free and all the women danced in her honour.’

  ‘We can hardly put Harry’s head on a pike, can we?’ said Aunt Bonnie, not entirely averse to the idea. The sirens were right outside now and there was a rattling at the gate.

  Miss Strange stood up. ‘Maybe not, but we will dance.’

  Harry’s voice boomed out through a megaphone:

  ‘This is the Mayor speaking. You are required by Town Ordnance Four Hundred and Sixty-two to let me in and examine the premises.’ The megaphone fell silent and you could just hear Harry yelling, ‘Go on, Joey, go on.’ The megaphone burst back into life. ‘These animals are being held illegally without license and must be destroyed.’ He had completely flipped out.

  Miss Strange looked at us. She took Judith’s hand and pulled her to her feet. One by one we moved together to the gate and looked out. Harry was standing on the fire engine with the lights blazing at us. Either side were two patrol cars and next to one of them was Joey’s van. Joey looked nervous.

  ‘Get your gun, Joey,’ commanded Harry.

  Joey yelled back. ‘I don’t need my gun.’

  ‘You gonna do this job or what? Get the fucking gun.’ Joey looked at the gathered men. The whole of the football team stood lined up behind Harry and the brigade. Other men from the town had come in pickups, cars and trucks. Mr Torchinsky stood over to one side next to his hearse. About a hundred men facing the zoo entrance. Joey opened the back of his van. He reached in and took out a shotgun. He leaned against the car cradling the gun in his arms.

  Miss Strange spoke quietly to Cosmos. ‘Open the gate.’

  ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘Yes.’

  Cosmos stepped forward and took the chain and padlock from the gate. She pushed the heavy metal entrance to swing open as Miss Strange turned on the floodlights. Now Harry and his crew could see what they were up against. Seven females, a goose, a grey parrot and an orangutan.

  ‘Give it up, Grace,’ bellowed Harry. Miss Strange lifted her head and matched his voice with no megaphone to aid her.

  ‘You cannot wins she called to the men. ‘This zoo has been here for forty years and it’s not going.’

  ‘This place is a danger to the community. There are animals missing. Dangerous foreign animals. You do not know how to control wild creatures. Even as we speak a government inspector is on the way,’ yelled Harry. ‘You are a threat to the community.’

  ‘You will not touch a single creature,’ replied Miss Strange, standing completely still.

  The bright lights had woken up Girling the Gorilla in his cage behind Miss Strange. In the unnatural silence he began to beat the bars of his pen and make wild, threatening noises. Miss Strange calmly removed a plastic ice-cube tray divider from her pocket and held it aloft. Girling fell silent instantly. It was a pretty impressive use an ice-cube tray divider. No one really knew what to do.

  ‘You will not harm us,’ said Miss Strange firmly.

  ‘Yeah? Says you and whose army?’ called a lone male feeling safe behind the fire truck.

  ‘Say I and great women down through the
generations. We shall stand here like Lady Mary Banks, who held Corfe Castle against parliamentary forces with only her daughters and gentlewomen to defend her. In charge of our own destiny, like Queen Adelaide, Queen of Italy and Holy Roman Empress; Princess Aelgifu, ruler of three countries; Zoe, Empress of the Byzantine; Queen Asma, ruler of Yemen; Agnes of Courtney, Crusader Queen of Jerusalem; Blanche of Castille, Queen of all France; Caterina Corner, ruler of Cyprus; Anne of Beaujeau, Queen of the Bourbons; Grace O’Malley, Irish war leader; Rosa Parks, Harriet Tubman … Sojourner Truth…’ Miss Strange was beginning to fade a little. ‘And…’

  Lily Tomlin,’ added Sweetheart, slightly off the point.

  It was probably the only name Harry recognized. Mr Honk screeched approval at the top of his raucous voice. He wasn’t perhaps in tune with how serious everyone was, as he then paraded up and down between the warring factions showing off his plumage.

  ‘Come on, men. Joey, bring the gun.’ Harry moved forward with the football team slow on his heels.

  ‘Bollocks,’ called Mr Paton, changing his repertoire for the occasion.

  Helen began to chant in Swahili. I knew she was actually saying, ‘Six drunken Europeans have killed the cook. Do not pour treacle into the engine,’ but it sounded very impressive. A deep primal tone which Harry could not fight.

  ‘Order,’ cried Harry over the noise.

  ‘We don’t give a fuck for your order,’ I yelled.

  This caused a moment’s frisson. No one on either side was quite sure that this was okay. I mean, I was ten. There were those who were perhaps unaware that I was merely being historical. It was then that we saw the women. Dozens of them, some walking, some in cars, all moving up the drive to the zoo. Some carried candles and others had children with them. They moved silently but with great purpose. Judith looked at them and then at her husband. In a calm, dignified and loud voice she began to speak.

  ‘Remember the dignity of your womanhood.

  Do not appeal, do not beg, do not grovel. Take courage, join hands, stand beside us. Fight with us.’

  Harry turned and looked. The women of the town moved without speaking. They walked silently past the engine and the police cars, past the men and the young football squad. As they walked, the men parted and quietly let them in the gates of the zoo. Standing in front of Mr Girling, Mr Kruger and Mr Goss, who all paced in their cages, the women began to hold hands. The world was being destroyed and we were in a cosmic dream. The women stood united, facing the men. It was a powerful moment. Better even than press-ups in the wind.

  ‘Come on, men,’ yelled Harry with some desperation but no one moved. Harry jumped down from the fire truck and moved slowly toward us. As he came through the gates, Sappho, not aware of the tension of the moment, reached out and flipped his boater off his head. Harry was incandescent with rage. He leaped backward screaming, ‘See, see. That animal is dangerous. It’s out of control.’

  It probably didn’t help that a few people actually laughed.

  ‘Joey! Joey!’ Harry sounded like a desperate little boy. ‘Joey, do your duty. For Christ’s sake! Go on, you nancy idiot.’

  Joey moved forward carrying a large net. He looked ridiculous. Sappho reached out and flipped that away too. Then the orangutan picked the net up and started after Joey. All the men laughed as Joey ran back to his van. He was humiliated. He began loading his gun and organizing ammunition. Harry started screaming.

  ‘Can’t you do anything, you ridiculous asshole?’

  Joey was sweating now. ‘Don’t call me that. I am not ridiculous.’

  ‘You’ve always been ridiculous, you dwarf. You can’t do anything right. Look at you, you’re nothing. You think people in this town aren’t laughing at you? The dog catcher who thinks he can be mayor. You’re not even a good dog catcher. You’re a coward, Joey. You can’t deal with more than a goddamn poodle. No wonder you never married, huh, Joey? Who the hell would have you? Judith didn’t want you, did she? Did she?’

  Joey had begun weeping. ‘I stood by you, Harry. In school when they teased you, I was always there for you. You knew Judith was mine. You knew that and you took her from me. Helen didn’t want you so you took Judith. You weren’t good enough for Billie’s daughter.’ Joey pushed his way through the throng to his van, where he stood holding his gun and sobbing.

  The women stood still. Silently facing out. Harry was shaking with rage. ‘This is insane. You women, go home. You are ruining this town.’ No one moved. ‘Do as you’re told!’ he screamed, but no one moved. ‘Right,’ he called, ‘fire up the engine. You asked for it.’ Harry gestured for the engine to start and Mr Walchinsky from the hot-dog stand moved to get in the driving seat.

  ‘Hey, Frank,’ I called. He stopped and shielded his eyes from the lights.

  ‘Dorothy?’

  ‘Yeah. Only hot-dog stand in America designed by an architect.’

  He looked at me and nodded. ‘That’s right.’

  ‘You gonna knock down John Junior’s zoo? And Mr Torchinsky.’ I put my hand on the bronze statue of Billie which loomed above us. ‘Most beautiful thing you ever saw. Remember? Come see the elephants, Mr Torchinsky? Frank?’

  Harry was trying to get back into election mode. ‘This town needs a stadium, a place for family.’

  Hubert from the Pop Inn stepped out of the crowd.

  ‘Where’s your grandson, Harry?’ he called.

  Harry swallowed hard. ‘I don’t have a grandson.’

  ‘He’s dead, ain’t he, Harry?’

  ‘Oh … go back to Africa,’ yelled Harry at the town’s only black man. A general murmuring began. Hubert looked at him. Ingrid was standing with us. Slowly Hubert moved to his wife and stood beside her. Torchinsky and Frank followed. Then Alfonso, my fruit man, moved from the crowd of men and made his way through the gates to stand with Miss Strange.

  ‘You goddamn… feminists,’ yelled Harry. The murmuring continued. ‘Will everyone be quiet… look.’

  I could see Father on the edge of the crowd outside. He was shouting something to me but of course I couldn’t hear. I have no idea whether it was support or disgust. Desperate to gain any kind of control, Harry resorted to his megaphone.

  ‘People of Sassaspaneck, I appeal to you. Apart from this zoo being a health hazard, the fine young men of this town deserve better. Now I have—’

  That’s when the whistling started. Cosmos put one of her flutes to her mouth and began to play her strange tune. Next Helen pursed her lips and joined in. Gradually everyone did the same. Because this was America and tunes from the Sudan don’t travel well, what they eventually whistled was the Battle Hymn of the Republic. You couldn’t hear Harry at all. I don’t know whether they were whistling for the elephants or for themselves. But I knew that these women had done the undoable. That they were a source of wonder. We had defeated the Mayor, the fire department, the police and my father. As the women whistled the Pleiades looked down on us. It was the closest to a religious experience I have ever had.

  That was the moment two things turned up. The television crew and the missing salamander. I don’t know why either appeared. Perhaps it was the whistling. Harry, still trying to be heard, had moved forward just as the news team got out of their truck. The bright lights from the camera were focused on the man with the megaphone when he stepped back and fell over the salamander. It was not an insubstantial creature. Maybe five foot long with the look of a dragon about it. Its appearance caused Joey to panic. He took aim and fired. Missed and started to reload. Harry, not sure where the gunshot had come from or who had felled him from behind, stayed down with his hands over his head. The salamander moved off but the TV people were hot on the story. The shot had stopped the whistling and everyone now stood watching.

  ‘We’re here in Sassaspaneck, New York, where as you can see the entire town has turned out for a most unusual election rally.’ The reporter was wasting no time. ‘It’s not often that a Republican gets a chance to stand up and defend the very symbo
l of his party — an actual elephant — but that is what’s happening here.’

  While the man spoke, a minion from the news company was racing around. ‘Where’s the Mayor? We need the Mayor,’ he kept demanding.

  ‘He’s on the floor,’ said Hubert, disgusted with the entire proceeding. The minion pointed Harry out to the reporter, who moved forward.

  ‘Mayor Schlick?’

  Harry looked up. To say he was surprised doesn’t quite cover it. ‘Yes?’

  ‘Is it true that you are actually willing to lay down your life in order to save the elephants of this town?’

  ‘Well, I…’ Harry got to his feet, blinking in the light. ‘That you are defending the very symbol of your political party with your life?’

  Harry swallowed hard. Faced by this sudden burst of fame on one side and the entire town on the other, he had no idea what to do next. Joey grabbed the megaphone.

  ‘No, it’s not true. My name is Joey Amorato and I have been officially ordered by Mayor Schlick to destroy the elephants. Indeed all the animals. He has ordered me so I have to do it. The mayor wants the elephants dead.’

  The reporter sensed a good story. ‘A Republican shooting elephants. Mayor Schlick, do you want to comment?’

  Harry scrambled to his feet.

  ‘No, wait, there’s been some misunderstanding. I don’t want to kill anything.’

  Joey clenched his gun and looked his old friend in the eye. ‘You gave the orders, Harry. I’m just following orders. If they die it will all be down to you.’

  The TV minion whispered in the reporter’s ear.

  ‘As you can see, the tension in this town is fantastic. Joey Amorota, Democratic candidate…’ The words gave new inspiration to the humiliated Joey.