by Ayles, Abby
She had received a letter from Bridget detailing all the information about Elizabeth’s wedding. Yet she had not truly thought of it.
Now it was staring her in the face.
What was going to happen now that she and Lord Ridgecleff would no longer be in the safety of this small community?
It felt as though she was just now starting to find some kind of equilibrium with Lord Ridgecleff. She wasn’t sure if it was affection. It felt like it might be. But she’d never truly fallen for anyone before. How was she supposed to know?
All she knew was that they were no longer at one another’s throats. That was good enough for her. But could this truce that they seemed to have reached sustain itself when they were once again in London?
Natalie wasn’t sure. She wasn’t sure of herself, if she was really improving. Perhaps it was just all in her head.
She supposed that she would know shortly. Whether she wanted it to happen or not, they were going to London.
If only the thought didn’t make her feel sick.
Chapter 24
John felt unusually nervous.
He shouldn’t be feeling this way. He was a capable man for crying out loud. He could handle something as simple as going to London.
Yet he had felt that recently he had been starting to find something with Miss Natalie. She had started to come into the room in the late morning and read to him. He knew that she did not much enjoy reading and yet she did it, as if she had known that it would relax him.
He had grown to enjoy his walks with her as well. Ordinarily he preferred to take his walks alone. They were a time for him to gather his thoughts in the early morning before facing the day.
But he had promised that he would make an effort to spend time with her and so he was. And it seemed that she was making an effort as well.
She didn’t talk much on the walks. Instead she listened, prompting him with a few questions.
He found that he actually preferred it to thinking silently on his own. He could think aloud, talk about his time on the Continent. He hadn’t been able to really talk about it to his siblings for fear of making them envious or reminding them of how he had all but abandoned them.
But Miss Natalie was eager to hear about it. And when he had an issue that he was trying to work through, he could talk about it aloud to her. In speaking out loud he found that there were things he had previously missed, found his thought process easier to sort out.
Miss Natalie would sometimes offer suggestions. She did so not at all in the beginning. Then hesitantly, as though she thought she was going to stir his anger. He couldn’t blame her for that. Not when he had as good as told her to shut her mouth and keep her thoughts to herself.
But her insights were valuable. She was a clever girl, as he had always known. Now that cleverness was turned not towards making fun of others or idle gossip but towards the matters of the estate. It was pleasing, to say the least.
Now he had to give all of that up for London.
London was Miss Natalie’s element. It was where she flourished. The parties, the balls, the glittering decorations and gowns. The myriad people you could meet, all the gossip and flirting that could be done.
How was he supposed to compete with that?
He could put on his old charmer persona. But he didn’t want to pretend to be someone else. He didn’t want Miss Natalie to mistake him for one person or think that he’d been lying to her here at Mountbank.
Besides, if he won her at London by playing the flirt, who was to say that he’d keep her favor once they came back to Mountbank and he was his true self again?
He had become a bit of a rake out of defiance towards his father and because of his own feeling of a lack of direction. He had direction now. He was home and he intended to care for it. To go back to his old ways would be to lie to Miss Natalie and to himself.
But then, he feared he would lose her to that glittering lifestyle.
When he’d been in France, he had attended a performance by a troupe that called themselves ‘acrobats’. They performed the most stunning of feats. They swung from tiny ropes rigged into the ceiling, performed flips through the air, and contorted their bodies.
John had been certain that one of them must fall at least once. It hadn’t seemed possible that they should manage to catch themselves each time. He had been agog at all they had coaxed their fragile human bodies into doing.
One of the acts had been where two of the acrobats had done various tricks across a tightrope. The tightrope was literally that. Just a thin rope, pulled taut, and these men had to walk on it.
Not just walk, of course. The walking had just been a warm up to show the audience. Their tricks had included flips and even riding a bicycle across.
But that walking, that was how John felt now. His relationship with his father, his position as heir, and his relationship with Miss Natalie: it was all a tightrope.
If he wobbled too far, put his weight too much on one side or the other, down he would plunge.
There was nothing for it, however, was there? Miss Natalie couldn’t miss her sister’s wedding. Emma couldn’t afford to miss the season. And he had to attend, to meet his new in-laws.
Not to mention, the jealous part of him wanted to keep an eye on Miss Natalie. Even though he knew she would never consciously stray, her lack of recognition that Mr. Cleary intended her to made John protective of her.
She could so easily accidentally stumble into something immoral if she was not warned. He shuddered to think if he had not shown her, how long things would have gone on before she realized that Mr. Cleary was after her rather than merely listening to her attempts to talk Emma up.
No, he knew how Cleary worked, and men like him. There were plenty of them in London, he knew. He wouldn’t let that happen to Miss Natalie. A young woman making a mistake because she was led astray by a man did not earn from him judgment on the lady. But it did earn the fiercest condemnation on the man.
He was therefore without recourse. He must go to London.
He could only hope that the fragile truce brought up between him and his intended bride would prevail.
Chapter 25
Natalie was greatly excited for London.
She was also excruciatingly nervous.
The closer the day grew, the higher her nerves got. She wanted to go and be a part of the season. Her favorite part of the year. Balls! The theatre! Dinner parties! Calling upon anyone and everyone! The parks, the art shows, the whole atmosphere! London was an endless series of fascinations to her.
Yet she feared for her relationship with Lord Ridgecleff. He must have seen so many wonderful young ladies on the Continent. There were plenty of beauties with wit and charm in London. What if he remembered how selfishly she had behaved and abandoned her for one of them?
Where would she be then?
Time did not stand still simply because she wished it, however. Nor did it bend to the will of a young woman. It marched onward.
And so the day came.
Miss Ridgecleff was all excitement, nothing but. “I have never been to London before,” she confided. “You must show me all of your favorite places. I feel as though I am dying of joy. I feel like a bride on her wedding night!”
“I should hope that your husband, whomever he may turn out to be, shall inspire more ardor in you than London does,” Lord Ridgecleff observed.
Natalie had to bite back her smile. Lord Ridgecleff did have a fine wit and used it well. Especially when he was being gentle with it. He had directed it at her hurtfully at the first. Now that he had softened towards her, she could appreciate it more.
The teasing between them was growing more intense as well. It gave her great joy to be able to see two spots of color high on his cheeks, which told her she had landed a good hit.
She loved the sparkle that came into his eyes when he would tease her back or when he thought she was being witty. Especially when she quoted one of his favorite books back at him
.
It made her want to read more books, if only to get that look back into his eyes. She was starting to find that she’d do almost anything to earn approval from him.
Of course, she doubted that such feelings were reciprocated. Lord Rigecleff had much to do with the organization of the estate and learning from his father. She was nothing more than a passing amusement, she was sure.
But at least she could be that.
Now they were headed for London and everything was to be put to the test. When they had last ridden in a carriage together, she had loathed every moment. She had yearned to be heading for the city. She had despaired over the countryside.
This time, it was the opposite. She wished they were headed away from the city instead of towards it. She wished for there to be a sudden rainstorm so that it might take them longer to reach London. She clung to the countryside for as long as it would last.
Miss Ridgecleff had no such qualms. She eagerly commented on every moment of their journey. She was nothing but smiles.
Lord Ridgecleff seemed to have much occupying his thoughts. Natalie put on a brave face at the very least for the sake of Miss Ridgecleff. But whenever she tried to engage Lord Ridgecleff, he seemed preoccupied.
Was he already missing Mountbank? Or was he thinking of London and all he might do there? He had been on the Continent for a few years, after all. London was the closest thing to the Continent here in England. Was he thinking of all the enjoyments?
Was he already forgetting her, even as she sat in front of him?
The thought hurt her more than she had expected.
Normally when Natalie wanted someone’s attention, she simply grew louder. More vivacious. She flirted and thought up entertaining stories she knew about other people.
But Lord Ridgecleff did not appreciate such things. He liked it when she listened. He appreciated quiet conversation.
How was she supposed to hold his attention if she could not distract him from his thoughts?
Perhaps she was being selfish again. Perhaps it was business that concerned him. After all, while she and Miss Ridgecleff were going about the parks Lord Ridgecleff would be handling business matters. He would be representing his father and Mountbank for the first time. Surely that would make anybody nervous.
Natalie wished that she could reach out and take his hand. But she was not his wife yet. She would have to settle for thinking comforting things at him and hoping he read her mind.
When they stopped for something to eat, she mentioned it to Louisa.
“Do you not think that Lord Ridgecleff is quieter than usual?” Natalie asked.
Louisa examined the man in question. “I suppose. You know him far better than I do at this juncture. He does seem preoccupied.”
“I worry about what is causing it,” Natalie confided.
Louisa gave her an odd look. “Then ask him.”
“What?”
“If you are worried that he has concerns that weigh him down, then ask him about them. I always ask Mr. Fairchild how he is in my letters to him. You cannot expect to read a person’s mind. If you wish to know his thoughts, or the thoughts of anyone for that matter, you must ask after them.”
Natalie stared at her, feeling a fool. Of course. But at the same time…
Lord Ridgecleff seemed to her still a man of such aloofness. A man she couldn’t quite touch. The charming man of the first night and the Continent rumors was not him. But nor was he quite as serious and brooding as he seemed wont to portray himself as at home.
How was she to know if she could ask him without him becoming upset about it? What if she was intruding?
Perhaps it would be better to say nothing. If she spoke to him about it he might find it intrusive. He might consider her to be spoiled, not happy when enough attention was paid to her. Natalie didn’t want that.
She wanted to be the mature person that Lord Ridgecleff wanted her to be. There was no other way to get through this marriage. If she could make him happy and be less selfish…
She didn’t dare hope for love. She knew better than that.
But she could at least hope for her husband to esteem her. And Lord Ridgecleff never would unless she proved herself to him. She had to prove that she had changed for the better and that she had taken his words to heart.
She would not speak of it to him. Instead she would find a way to make him proud of her.
She’d always done well in London. She’d fit in splendidly there. The glamour of it, the gossip, the intricate social games. All had suited her well.
It would impress him to show that she was above such gossip now. But it would also do well to show herself off just a bit in her manner so that he might receive compliments about her.
She wanted so badly for people to congratulate him on his fine choice. She wanted people to think he’d done well. She didn’t want them to titter behind their fans or secretly advise him against her.
That was how she could gain his attention. By being good to others so that positive reports of her might reach him. That way she wouldn’t appear petulant or prying by asking him his business.
And, well, she did honestly look forward to the balls again. She looked forward to dancing. She wanted to wear pretty dresses, to see and be seen. She enjoyed being surrounded by people.
Perhaps, if she was quite lucky, she would get to see glimpses of the charming Continental Lord Ridgecleff that she had heard of. Being in London might allow him to relax a bit and show his fun side.
Or it could be the ruin of them both, the voice in the back of her mind reminded her. That voice sounded, to Natalie, very much like her sister Bridget.
Natalie dismissed that voice. She must remain positive.
London was where she shone best. She would put herself in her best light while she was there. She would have fun in the process. She would enjoy the season.
It would all be all right, Natalie told herself. It must be all right.
But she couldn’t get rid of the fear in the pit of her stomach.
Chapter 26
John waited nervously in the foyer for the ladies to come downstairs.
This was the ball at which Emma was to be presented. This was a huge step for his sister. He only hoped that he did his part right and that it all went well.
This was also the first time that he and Miss Natalie would be out together in public.
He had little doubt that Miss Natalie would shine. She had spoken often of her love of balls and London. And her great reputation, both as an entertaining and witty woman and her reputation as a flirt, came from those who had met her at balls.
But what about John himself?
He knew there were now certain expectations on him as to how to behave. His reputation in the Continent had reached England, after all. It had been part of the reason for his difficulty in finding a wife before Miss Natalie.
But he couldn’t be a stick in the mud, either. He had to make a good impression. For the sake of his father, for Emma, and for Miss Natalie. He had to participate.
He’d dressed with care, but had still finished before the ladies. They were starting with a ball thrown by a Mr. and Mrs. Clinch, a respectable couple high up in society. It wasn’t too ostentatious but there would be plenty of people of note in attendance.
It was the perfect place for Emma’s first ball. It was also the perfect place for John and his fiancée to make their first appearance after announcing their engagement.
He’d had everything carefully placed in the papers a week ahead of time. That way no one would be too surprised at their arriving together along with Miss Natalie’s sister as escort. Everyone would be expecting them and know that things were aboveboard.
Everything was planned for and settled. Yet his nerves would not dissipate.
If only he was certain that this would not break the tentative peace between himself and Miss Natalie. If only he knew that he could simply be himself at these balls without constantly worrying about what others
thought.
He heard footsteps and turned to see the women coming down the stairs.
He caught sight of Emma first and smiled. She really was so grown up. It felt like one moment she was his sweet little sister, and the next… And she still was, of course. But now she was a woman. No longer little in the sense of childishness.
Miss Louisa looked lovely, as usual.
Miss Natalie…
John was once again reminded of the first moment that he saw her. At the ball, when he hadn’t yet known who she was. He had run into her while she was dancing.
Her form and figure, those blue eyes, all had entranced him. Once her mask was off she was even more lovely.
It was not that he had forgotten. More that he had forgotten to let it sink in. Now, seeing her dressed in a lovely pale blue muslin, it struck him anew that Miss Natalie was a very beautiful woman.
Any man would be lucky to call her his bride, at least in that regard.
And in others, the voice at the back of his mind said. She has taken your words to heart and has improved greatly in her manner.
He only hoped that behavior would continue while they were here among all the temptations that London society had to offer.
Miss Natalie walked up to him, or rather glided. She had a most elegant way of moving, he could not help but notice. “Are you ready, my lord?”
Lord Ridgecleff nodded. Say something, you fool, he thought. He should compliment her. Both for propriety’s sake and because she deserved a compliment for such lovely features. But he could not for the life of him think of anything to say that did not make him sound like a cad.
So he said nothing, and merely bowed his head to her.
Miss Natalie looked slightly disappointed—or perhaps that was only his imagination.
“Shall we?” he said, indicating for them to go to the carriage waiting outside.
He could feel the sense of anticipation in the ladies as they rode in the carriage to the ball. He hoped it was a positive anticipation.
When they arrived, they were greeted happily by their hosts. John could feel the many eyes looking him up and down. Taking the measure of him.