by Ayles, Abby
Very true, but John had to admit at least to himself that he was going to find Miss Natalie for his own purposes as well.
He had to thank her. Such a selfless and thoughtful action could not go unremarked upon.
She was speaking with some other young ladies, Miss Louisa nearby, conversing with some acquaintance or other.
“Miss Natalie?”
All the other ladies tittered when they saw him. John ignored them. No doubt they had heard plenty about him on the Continent. But even if they hadn’t, a man from a family such as his would be known to them. They must have plenty of excitement in simply being in the presence of a future earl.
He did his best to ignore them while still being polite.
“My lord?” Miss Natalie said, turning and looking up at him.
He bowed to her. “I believe I had the next dance with you?”
The other ladies all looked at one another and smiled in that sly, supposedly secretive but in reality quite obvious way that they had when they were all thinking the same thing about a man.
Miss Natalie graced him with a pleased smile. “You are quite right. It would be my pleasure, my lord.”
She allowed him to lead her out onto the dance floor as the other couples assembled. John could feel an unexpected rush of relief now that they were together again. Everyone could see the dancing. Everyone would be reminded now that they were together, a couple, engaged.
“Of what were you and those other ladies speaking?” John asked by way of starting the conversation. It would not do to simply jump right into thanking her. He did not wish to embarrass her overmuch.
“It was a trivial matter,” Miss Natalie said, her voice odd.
John suspected it was not a trivial matter but rather a matter that Miss Natalie was not comfortable speaking of. He would let it lie, then. It was not his business.
Perhaps it was something of a gossiping matter. In which case, he was surprised that she was not more enthusiastic about such a prospect. Maybe, then—just maybe—this was another sign of the change in her.
“I know what you have done for my sister,” he said, feeling it best then to simply plunge into the heart of the matter. “She showed me her dance card. I cannot even begin to thank you enough for your generosity of spirit.”
Miss Natalie blushed. It surprised him but pleased him as well. He rather liked the idea of bringing pleased color to her cheeks. It made her look most handsome.
“It was a little matter,” she said. “I was happy to help your sister out in such a fashion. She has been a pleasant companion to me all this while.
“Not that I mean that as an insult to yourself,” Miss Natalie added hastily. She sounded put out with herself.
Miss Natalie, the consummate conversationalist, babbling? John thought he’d never see the day.
“I do not take it that way,” John assured her.
Miss Natalie smiled at him. “It is only that—you have been busy learning from your father. As you should be. And so she has occupied that empty space quite well as a sister should.”
“I hope that I have not abandoned you too much,” John admitted. “I fear that I have been a sad excuse for a fiancé.”
“You have been most generous,” Miss Natalie said, hastening to correct him. “Your flowers, the ribbons—it has all been beyond what I expected.”
“None of that can replace my actual presence.”
“Well, you are present now,” Miss Natalie pointed out, spinning a little on her next step, making her skirt twirl.
John couldn’t help his smile. “That is true.”
He took a deep breath. Flirt. He knew how to flirt. He had done it dozens of times. Why did it now feel so difficult with Miss Natalie? Why did he go from a competent person who had flirted with many a woman on the Continent to an idiot who didn’t know how to get words out of his mouth?
“Have I mentioned—your dress quite brings out your eyes.”
Miss Natalie smiled at him, looking surprised but pleased. “I am glad that you think so. I must say that I look forward to being married. I shall be able to wear more jewelry and feathers.”
John could easily imagine Miss Natalie in such accessories. Could imagine himself gifting her with them.
Unmarried women were expected to look modest. To wear such feathers and jewelry was to be vain. It suggested that you were showing off for men, in order to get them to marry you.
But a married woman could show herself off as much as she liked, for she was already married and was therefore not doing it to ensnare any man.
Furthermore, a woman in such accessories suggested that she was used to wealth and would spend her future husband’s money on frivolous things.
“We shall have to take you shopping once we leave the church,” he teased. “Although I hope you shall permit there to be a luncheon first.”
Miss Natalie laughed. “Do not mock me, or I shall indeed take you into town for shopping every time and force you to choose between two very similar shades of green, insisting all the time how very different they are.”
“The horror,” John replied, deadpan, which only made Miss Natalie laugh harder.
“You are awful,” she replied, but she was smiling.
“Well, if you like, I can simply stay at home and then compliment you when you return. You can model your purchases for me and I shall comment on the artful use of them and your esteemed and unparalleled taste.”
“I suppose that shall do,” Miss Natalie replied. “And I shall have to tell you something similar when you discuss the running of the household. Perhaps I shall be playing solitaire or something so that I might better express with subtlety my boredom.”
He laughed. “Do you warn all your suitors of such a future? It must make them quite excited over the prospect of marrying you.”
“Oh, no, you are a special case,” Miss Natalie assured him. “You should consider it quite an honor that I am being honest with you. Most men prefer pretty lies and so I deliver them.”
“One could say that women prefer the same. Would you like me to speak to you about how you are the most radiant woman in the room?”
As soon as he said the words, though, he was not altogether certain that they were untrue, at least in his mind.
Miss Natalie wouldn’t believe it if he said it, especially now that he’d just made a joke of it. But looking around at the other ladies assembled…
None of them smiled as brightly as her, wore their dress as wonderfully as she did. None of them glowed like she did.
He stepped around her for the dance and remembered that he didn’t have to hide his admiration. She was his fiancée. He could gaze at her with as much adoration as he pleased.
Adoration? Was that the right word?
He thought of how she had arranged for Emma to have the best dance card. How she had accepted his scolding with a grace few other women would have. How she also gave him a scolding in return, rightly pointing out his faults. How bright and vivacious she could be.
It didn’t feel like a lightning bolt or the way so many poets had described it over the years. It felt rather more like he was putting on a well-worn coat. Something comfortable, something he hadn’t realized until this moment that he was missing.
Perry had been right, blast him. John loved her. Was in love with her.
At some point, through spending time together, he had come to do more than simply appreciate Miss Natalie. He had fallen for her.
That was why he was so upset—he was truly jealous at the idea of those other men dancing with her and thinking they could play suitor with her. He genuinely wanted everyone to know that she belonged to him and that he belonged to her.
“My lord?” Miss Natalie said. She sounded in distress. “Are you quite all right?”
Ah. Goodness only knew what his face looked like in that moment. “I am. Quite. I was merely reflecting.”
“Reflecting? If you have time to retreat into your mind right now, then I am cle
arly not entertaining you enough.”
“Oh, you are, in fact I was reflecting on how quite entertaining you were.”
“See, now you are mocking me,” Miss Natalie laughed. “You are lucky that my vanity is such that I am not affected by it.”
“Would that be vanity or pride?” John asked.
“Well pride is what one thinks of oneself, vanity is what we wish other people would think of us.”
“Cleverly done.”
“I cannot claim credit for it,” Miss Natalie pointed out. “I stole the line from a book I had recently read.”
“Be still my heart,” John replied, feigning shock. “Miss Natalie Hartfield, reading a book? I think the world might be ending.”
“I read to you almost every afternoon, the habit was bound to rub off a bit at some point.”
“Touché. But we shall not be a true couple until we are both picking up one another’s habits.”
“In that case, I suggest you become more sociable at once.”
“I am perfectly sociable!”
“So the rumors say, yet this entire time you have spoken to but one person,” Miss Natalie said archly. “I am beginning to think that reports of your gifted sociability were exaggerated.”
“And yet you’re stuck with me. Whatever shall you do?”
Miss Natalie gave a rather put-upon sigh. “I suppose I shall just have to train you.”
John laughed at that, perhaps too loudly, for he could see others glancing at them.
It was a stupid thing, perhaps, for a man to stand in a crowded ballroom, look at the woman to whom he was engaged, and realize that he loved her.
And yet, that was what was happening to him right at that moment.
He felt a little…not giddy, precisely. Unexpectedly joyful. To actually love one’s intended bride, after all. That was a cause to be joyful, was it not? Especially when one had previously barely tolerated said intended bride.
But then doubt overtook him.
Miss Natalie seemed surprised at his attitude. Perhaps it was that she was not used to him being more energetic. But they had engaged in banter before. It was not as prolonged, certainly, but it had been done. It was the one thing they could use to bridge the massive gap between them, the one thing that gave him a glimpse of what might be, how they could improve, given time.
Or, more likely, he was showing his hand. Revealing too much of himself.
Miss Natalie did not return his affections. Of this he was certain. She appreciated his gifts, of course. What woman wouldn’t appreciate flowers and ribbons?
But that didn’t mean that she cared for him. It didn’t mean that she actually wanted to marry him for his own sake or anything like that. He had to keep his head on straight.
She probably wished that she was marrying any one of the young men that she had gotten onto Emma’s dance card.
She wanted someone who hadn’t already ruined their first, second, and third impressions with her. Someone who would want to live in London year round and would enjoy balls with her. Someone who would entertain her properly instead of devoting all of their time to an estate.
He ought to control himself. It was unfair of him to force his feelings upon her when he knew that she did not feel the same. Miss Natalie had done admirably with warming up to him and behaving in a more thoughtful manner. He could not expect more from her.
No, he ought to keep his feelings to himself. It was only fair.
Miss Natalie tilted her head at him, giving him an odd look again. “Are you all right?” she repeated. “Your face got the funniest look on it just now.”
“I’ve been told it does that frequently, most often when I am attempting to think.”
She laughed. At least he could amuse her with his wit. He enjoyed her laugh. “I suppose that some attempt must be made on your part.”
“I hear there are some men who let their wives do all of their thinking for them. Would you be open to such an arrangement?”
Miss Natalie smiled warmly at him. He could almost trick himself into thinking that it meant she cared for him with something more than friendship. “I suppose that I could do such a thing if required.”
The dance was almost over. Already, John could see men lining up to take the women for the next dance. “Your next partner must surely be excited.”
“Oh, I am sure. As you well know I am being pressed on all sides for gossip. They seem to forget that I have been out of touch recently.”
Ah, of course. It hit John again how much he was unsuited for her. She wanted someone who would let her glide through the glitz and glitter and gossip. That was what she wanted. She would undoubtedly wither away in Mountbank.
But what was he to do? Keep her there, or let her be in London while he was in Mountbank? Keep them so utterly separated? People were sure to talk in that case. But he could not abandon Mountbank to be with her in London all the time.
Perhaps he would simply have to settle for the truth of always failing her.
The dance was ending. They took their places back across from one another and bowed. Or, rather, he bowed and Miss Natalie curtsied, inclining her head.
“I shall expect another dance at some point,” Miss Natalie informed him. “You are my fiancé, I should hope for a little blatant favoritism on your part.”
“You can count on my lack of decorum, then,” he assured her, bowing once more.
He stood to the side and swept his eyes over the ballroom. There were, for once, enough men so that he did not have to ask a lady sitting down to dance. There were one or two who were sitting such as Miss Louisa but judging by their smiles and avid conversations, they seemed to prefer it.
That suited John just fine. He could observe Miss Natalie from the side of the room that way, watch her twirl about the dance floor enchanting everyone.
Emma was out there as well. She looked like she was having the time of her life. Whether she was in love with him or not, John had to gift Miss Natalie with something as a proper thank you. Emma wouldn’t sit down the whole night now. He had never seen his sister look so happy.
He would have to obtain a copy of her dance card at some point, however. As a brother he had to know with whom she was dancing so that he might visit the suitors and see if they were fit for his sister. Only the best would do for Emma.
But, oddly, he trusted Miss Natalie. She was well aware of the gossip on everyone in London. She had learned her lesson with Mr. Cleary. She would not, he was sure, let Emma dance with someone who was not suitable for her.
How unusual that he should go from barely standing the girl to being in love with her and trusting her in so short of a time. It felt extraordinary to him.
It also made him feel like a fool.
Well, he had been a fool in other things, had he not? Fleeing to the Continent, allowing his reputation to be damaged, abandoning his family and his duties…this was merely the latest in a long line of mistakes.
And if nothing else, this was a good thing for Miss Natalie. To have her husband be in love with her, it was a thing many ladies dreamed of but few obtained. He would be faithful to her out of joy, not out of duty.
He would do what he could to make her happy. Perhaps he could arrange things so that she could be in London for part of the time? Even if he could not be?
He could possibly even open Mountbank to balls. It would not be easy given the location but surely something could be done. Something to open or close the season so that people had more of an excuse to come.
He was a man who went all in or nothing, he knew that. When he was angry, he was wholly angry. He had a hard time letting go of what had upset him.
It was the same with love, and with what brought him joy. He loved completely, and now that he was aware that he had fallen in love with Miss Natalie he feared he would never fall out of it.
How could he have been so blind as to what he wanted? How could he have not seen this happening? The long walks together. The way she had grown good
at listening. The way she loved his stories. The way she came in to read to him to ease his stress.
Of course he was falling in love with her. A witty, beautiful girl, one that he had been entranced by from the moment he had seen her. And now she was a decent girl as well, someone who cared about him. It was only a matter of time.
Well, no matter how it had happened. No matter that he had made himself a fool. Other men had made themselves fools for love and in much more public and embarrassing ways than this. At least he had never gotten into a duel over her.
He would respect Miss Natalie’s feelings. He would respect that she did not love him and keep it all close to his chest.
If only he was not bound by his father. Why, then he could have her release them both from this engagement. He would take the blame of course. He was sure he could think up some excuse. A dalliance while he was on the Continent or something.
But if he were to arrange such a thing the scandal would infuriate Father. It would ruin all of them.
He couldn’t do that to his father, not after all of this time. Not now that they were slowly working towards a reconciliation. He had yet to truly apologize and so did Father but at least they were fighting less.
Miss Natalie had something to do with that, he suspected. She could persuade his father like nobody else and something about her energetic and witty nature drew his father to her. It relaxed him, made him jovial.
For that, if nothing else, John should love her.
Father was alive however and that meant he could not allow Miss Natalie to break off the engagement. She was trapped. He would simply have to do his part to make her as happy as possible through what means he had and hope that it would be enough. Enough to make up for the fact that she was stuck with someone with whom she was not in love.
But oh, as he watched her dancing it felt like his heart was no longer in his chest. It felt like it was out there with her. That it had somehow transplanted itself and was now lodged in her chest instead of his.
It felt awful. Why did people strive for this? Why did people seek to fall in love when it felt like losing a part of yourself? When it felt like abandonment out in a winter’s chill?
John tried to shake himself out of such thoughts. He was a gentleman, not a simpering poet. He would handle this the way that he handled everything else. He would remain in control of himself and let common sense carry the day.