by Ayles, Abby
“Thank you. And I hope that it will not be too intolerable for you. I know how hard you have been working to get away from your previous reputation. And that you would rather be home at Mountbank.”
“It is not too bad,” John conceded. He wanted her to know that he would be all right with finding a way to be in London for part of the season for her. “I find it all more than passable. Perhaps once things are more settled at Mountbank I shall regain my joy of balls. I attended plenty on the Continent, after all.”
“That is good to hear. I would not want you to be miserable.”
“Miserable?” John wanted to tell her that he could not possibly be miserable while she was with him. “No. No, not at all.”
“Good.”
They both stood there awkwardly for a moment, neither of them sure what to say next. Then John cleared his throat. “You ought to go up to bed.”
“Yes, of course.” She curtsied. “Sleep well, then, my lord.”
“You as well, Miss Natalie.”
He watched her climb the stairs and held in his sigh of frustration. He wanted to give her everything. He wanted her to be happy, to be appreciated by those around her, to have the life that she longed for.
And, selfishly, he wanted her to love him back.
Chapter 29
Louisa was waiting for her when she got up to the bedroom.
“Did you enjoy the ball?” Louisa asked.
Her tone suggested that she knew what the answer was already.
Natalie sat down on the bed. She’d been so close to telling Lord Ridgecleff how she felt. That it wasn’t what the women said that had upset her. It was the fact that she was realizing that she was in love with him and yet would never have him.
“Oh, my dear.” Louisa sat down next to her and took her hand. “I understand.”
Natalie gave a crying laugh. “How can you possibly?”
Louisa sighed. “I am engaged to a man. We ought to have married months ago. Yet we have not—because of his aunt. Because she would never permit him to marry any lady who is not of the nobility. Whose father is not titled.
“Do you think that I do not know the feeling of sadness when I see it? That I would not recognize when you love someone and cannot have them?”
Natalie allowed her sister to draw her arm around her shoulders, leaning into Louisa’s side. “I completely ruined any chance that I had with him,” she admitted. “I was selfish. And then tonight—some ladies were talking to him about me.”
“Women can be wicked that way,” Louisa allowed. She paused, thinking. “Men as well, although they tend to do it in their smoking rooms where we cannot overhear.”
“It was not that they were speaking ill of me,” Natalie said. “I deserve whatever they are going to say. It is that they were saying it to Lord Ridgecleff. Reminding him of all the reasons that he should not love me.”
“Are you taking the opinion of women that you barely know instead of simply asking him how he feels about you?” Louisa sounded incredulous.
“What is the point of asking him when I already know what the answer will be?” Natalie responded. She wiped at her eyes. She did so hate crying.
“Oh, my darling.” Louisa squeezed her. “I think that if you were to just talk with him…”
“Do you think that I could persuade his father not to disown him if I were to break off the engagement?” Natalie asked.
“What?”
“If I break off the engagement, and you know that it must be me, then he will be free to find someone who he will actually love. But if he is not engaged, if I break it off, his father will disown him. He will blame Lord Ridgecleff, I know that he will.”
“The earl does seem to be fond of you,” Louisa acknowledged. “But it is a risk. And you will be opening yourself up to ridicule as well. Everyone will want to know why you broke off the engagement and you can hardly tell them the truth.”
That was true. She would have to reveal that they got hastily engaged after meeting one another only once. And if she said that, she would have to explain why Lord Ridgecleff had to get engaged so quickly. And then she’d have to explain why she had to get married so quickly.
They’d be ruined, all of them. They had been saved at the masquerade ball by that mysterious individual. No doubt, in Natalie’s mind, someone else who had been hurt or threatened by Lord Pettifer.
But if she told the truth as to why she’d accepted such a rushed and near-improper proposal, her father would be ruined again. And that would mean that she and her sisters would be ruined all over again.
No, she couldn’t do that to them, to Lord Ridgecleff, or to herself. That meant that she couldn’t tell the truth about why they had gotten engaged which in turn meant that she couldn’t tell the truth about why she was breaking the engagement off.
“I shall think of something,” she said.
And she would. She might not read all the time, but she was clever. She could think of a good excuse as to why she was breaking it off. Something that wouldn’t reflect badly upon herself or Lord Ridgecleff.
Louisa sighed. “I don’t know, Natalie. I really do not know. I think that you are doing the both of you a disservice.”
“That is where you are mistaken,” Natalie replied. “For once in my life, I am doing something where I am not thinking of myself.
“If I was doing what I wanted, I should keep him. Even though I know that he does not return my affections. But I cannot do that to him. He needs to be with someone he actually loves.”
“And I admire your sense of self-sacrifice, Natalie. Truly I do. I think that it’s quite admirable of you to put Lord Ridgecleff’s needs so far above your own desires.
“But don’t you think that perhaps you should discuss this with him? Tell him how you feel?”
“It is indelicate to speak of such feelings,” Natalie said.
“You are engaged. If you cannot speak of your feelings at that point, then when?” Louisa asked.
“I cannot force my feelings upon him when he doesn’t want them.”
“It would not be forcing anything upon him. That would only be if you told him that he was obliged to love you back. Which, at least it is my understanding, you are not trying to do.
“In telling him, you are just being honest with him. Is that not what couples ought to do? Do you not owe him that? After you two have gotten off to such a rocky start, I should have thought that would impel you to be even more open and forthright with him.”
“What use would there be in telling him the truth? I declare my love for him like some dramatic heroine in a novel. Then what? He apologizes to me for his inability to return my feelings? Looks incredibly uncomfortable with all that I have just told him?
“What gain can there be in this? What can change except that he now knows something that would be better kept hidden? What can he do when he can’t change his opinion of me at will, and I cannot dispel my feelings for him?
“It would be foolishness to bring about such discomfort when we have only begun to find a kind of balance with one another. This is the best course of action.”
Louisa kissed Natalie on the top of her head and sighed yet again. “If you say so. It is your heart and he is your fiancé, not mine. I presume that you know your own heart and his better than I do.”
Coming from anyone else, that might seem high and mighty. Coming from Louisa, however, it only sounded gentle. She did truly want the best for everyone around her. Natalie knew that.
She only wished it were that simple.
Chapter 30
The next few balls felt like more of the same.
Miss Natalie was radiant in them. She lit up the ballroom. It was all that John could do not to seize her for himself at every opportunity.
He did his best not to be selfish and would only dance with her twice in an evening. Any more and he would be accused of not helping other ladies to dance and get their due on the dance floor.
But it was difficult. More difficult wa
s hiding his feelings for her when everyone seemed to insist on either telling him how lucky he was or asking him how they had met or offering their opinions on how Miss Natalie used to be a massive flirt.
By the time the day came for Miss Elizabeth’s wedding to Mr. Denny, John was emotionally in tatters.
He dressed in his best. He and Miss Natalie were of course invited. Miss Louisa was as well. Mr. Fairchild, her secret fiancé, would be there as well, allowing them to see one another again.
Emma was invited as a member of the family. Or rather a soon-to-be member of the family. All three ladies looked lovely in their dresses. Natalie most of all.
Of course, nothing could be said against the bride on her wedding day and Miss Elizabeth did look stunning. But John personally thought that Miss Natalie was the loveliest woman there.
He could not help but feel a pang of envy as Miss Elizabeth and Mr. Denny stood together at the altar. It was easy to see how much they cherished one another.
Miss Elizabeth was beaming up at Mr. Denny. Her whole face seemed to glow with it. Mr. Denny’s breath caught when he took her hands in his. John could see it all the way from his pew.
Miss Natalie would never look at him like that. She would never give him such a joyful smile. She would never glow with the force of her love for him.
If only he could see his affections returned.
The reception afterwards did not help matters. He got many compliments from the family and friends.
“She is so much more mature,” Miss Hartfield observed.
They were in the middle of a discussion on the Continent. Miss Hartfield would be traveling there soon.
Yet now she was looking at her younger sister. Miss Natalie was speaking with someone. Or, rather, politely listening to them. She seemed genuinely interested and only spoke to ask questions. There was none of the bored, barely-covered disinterest that she used to have.
“She has greatly improved, yes. I have observed it.”
“I believe that I have your influence to thank,” Miss Hartfield observed.
“I have done nothing,” John replied.
“I hear that you smile more,” Miss Hartfield replied.
“Such reports are exaggerated.”
“I’m not so certain.”
Miss Natalie was more mature and grounded. That he could not contest. But his own nature? Did he truly smile more?
It was true that Miss Natalie had been bantering with him earlier. That could be it. She seemed to be able to make him laugh more easily than others ever could.
Perhaps he had changed. Perhaps she had changed him just as he had changed her.
But that did not mean that she loved him.
“I was worried,” Miss Hartfield said. “When this whole endeavor was forced upon us, I feared most for Natalie. She probably doesn’t know it. But I worried for her most of all.
“Especially the immediacy of your engagement. And then the inability of either of you to retreat from it.
“But now I am glad to see that fate was kind to you both. You are well suited for one another. And that’s—if I may be bold—that’s all I’ve ever wanted. Since our mother died. To know that my sisters were in the hands of those who cared for them. That they were well taken care of.”
“I will take care of her.” John could promise that, if nothing else. He would always take the utmost care of his wife.
“And she will take care of you,” Miss Hartfield assured.
“I know.” Miss Natalie would do her best by him. He knew that. He didn’t doubt that.
“Your sister will want for nothing with me,” he assured Miss Hartfield.
He meant every word.
Chapter 31
Natalie smiled and curtsied her way through Elizabeth’s wedding.
It wasn’t that she begrudged her sister anything. Not when her sister looked genuinely happy.
“How do you feel?” Natalie asked her when they embraced.
“Like the horizon is opening,” Elizabeth told her. “I’m just—oh I’m so happy. I hope you’re this happy. I know that we—that we often bickered. But I do hope that you’re happy. I do hope that you have love.”
“You are so lucky,” Natalie replied. “And I am happy. Of course I am. But I am especially happy for you. I hope that…perhaps we can be better friends from now on. I know we are sisters but that’s not the same as being friends and I do wish for friendship between us.”
Elizabeth pulled back. “Who are you and what have you done with my sister Natalie?” she teased.
“One might say that I have grown.”
“One might certainly say that.” Elizabeth smiled. “I saw you making your lord smile and laugh. I wouldn’t have thought him one for that. But you… you seem different. Less flighty. More thoughtful.”
“I hope I am.” Her, making Lord Ridgecleff more cheerful? She hadn’t thought of it that way.
Did she make him laugh and smile more?
She hoped that she did. Even if he did not love her back…hopefully with her love she could give something to him.
Of course it could all just be a front. He was probably acting like he cared about her more than he actually did. It was to save face. To make everyone else believe they were the happy couple.
She couldn’t trust it.
She had to trust the man that she knew from Mountbank. The man who wanted a quiet life. The serious man who had grown so silent on the trip up to London. Clearly dreading it.
She would find a way to break off the engagement. She would speak to his father.
But as she watched her sister happily greeting guests and as she continued to receive compliments from everyone about how well suited she and Lord Ridgecleff were…she couldn’t help but wish with all of her heart that it was true.
He had made her a better person, at least. She supposed she ought to be grateful for that. She was less selfish. Less flighty, as Elizabeth had said. And she was glad. She didn’t want to be the kind of person that people avoided and secretly disliked.
But she couldn’t let everyone’s compliments get to her head. She had to remember what she knew to be true and she had to not let herself be fooled by Lord Ridgecleff’s easy manner. It was all just a front.
She smiled at her sister and her new husband, and tried to swallow down the pang of envy.
It would all be fine.
Chapter 32
John was awakened early in the morning by someone hammering on his bedroom door.
He sat up, blinking away the cobwebs from his mind. “Yes? Enter?”
His manservant entered, clearing his throat. “I deeply apologize sir, but a missive has just arrived for you. Said that it was most urgent. From your brother.”
John tore out of bed, completely awake. There was only one reason why his brother would be so eager to send him a message and have the messenger insist on disturbing him no matter the hour.
He hurried downstairs in his dressing gown. The messenger was standing in the doorway. He looked a little peaky, and there were circles under his eyes.
“I’m terribly sorry to disturb you, my lord,” the man said, bowing. “But I was told to ride like blazes and bring this with all haste.”
He handed John a sealed letter. He couldn’t deny that his hands shook a little as he took it and broke the seal.
Dear John,
I shall keep things short. Father has taken a turn for the worst. I fear it is the end. Return at once so that you and Emma might say farewell.
Godspeed.
With all affection,
Edward
John folded up the letter and placed it in his pocket. “Thank you,” he said, instructing his manservant to make sure the man was paid and fed.
He hurried to alert the other servants. Miss Louisa and Miss Natalie might stay in London if they wished but he and Emma must return to Mountbank with all haste.
His mind was all cluttered, whirling like a summer storm. Father—but his father had bee
n fine. Sickly, yes, but… nothing that he couldn’t handle. Right?
John felt sick. Off-kilter. He shouldn’t have left. He shouldn’t have abandoned Mountbank and his father. He should have known, he should have stayed…
“My lord?”
He turned to see Miss Natalie standing in the doorway. She quickly took in the clothes he was hastily having his manservant pack. The papers he was compiling. His face, which most likely showed the turmoil in his mind and heart.
“Remember to breathe,” she said, her voice teasing but gentle. “I hear that it’s good for you.”
He laughed in spite of himself. “You have heard, then.”
“Yes. I am having my maid put together my trunk.”
“Miss Natalie, you are under no obligation to go.”
“He is your father and you are my future husband. Where you go, I go. I will not abandon you in such a time of need.”
Miss Natalie swallowed. “I know that I…have not always behaved with decorum. But I want to be there for you. If you will let me.”
If he would let her?
He could think of nothing else that he wanted more. Other than for his father to be safe and sound. He wanted to have Miss Natalie there with him. Who else would make him smile when he was in the depths of despair? Who else would be a comfort to him?
He knew it was selfish, but he wanted her to be with him even if it was not what she wanted. He could not truly believe that it was what she wanted, to be with him. Surely she had other, better things to do. Balls to go to.
He was depriving her of the season that she had been so looking forward to. He was depriving Emma as well but it was Father. Emma would understand. She would not want it any other way.
There were, ultimately, other seasons. They had only one father.
Miss Natalie gave him a reassuring smile. “If he has any of your strength, he will recover.”
“I wish that I shared your optimism.”
“Haven’t you heard? It is the job of the wife to counter her husband at every turn. You are fearful of a bad diagnosis. Therefore I must be positive of a cheerful one.”