Hidden Pieces

by Paula Stokes

  “I have a space heater you can borrow if you need to,” Julia says. “My mom bought it for me because I sometimes study in the basement, but as you can tell I don’t really need it.”

  “I think we’ll be okay, but thanks.” A sharp pain spikes through my chest as I imagine the look on Julia’s face after I tell her about Holden and me. But I have to do it. I won’t lose my nerve. I can’t.

  I follow Julia deeper into the house. Her living room has matching leather sofas and a vaulted ceiling. Like Holden’s apartment, there is no clutter, no knickknacks. A huge artificial Christmas tree stands in one corner of the room. It looks professionally designed, with clear glass ornaments and garland made of metallic golden ribbon. Even the television remote has its own special holder, a small black marble case that matches the coffee tables.

  There’s a knitted blanket balled up on the floor on the far side of the sofa. Julia reaches down, snatches the blanket from the floor, and folds it loosely. “I was just watching some TV,” she says.

  “Where are your parents?” I was expecting them to be hovering over her.

  “They’re both in the study. My dad is writing and my mom is reading, probably. Wanna go upstairs?”

  “Sure.” I follow Julia up to her bedroom on the third floor.

  She closes the door behind us. I wander over to the far side of her room. There’s a huge glass window looking out toward the ocean. Her house is one of the lower ones on the hill, so the view is partially obstructed by trees, but you can still see the dark blue water, the waves rolling in. I watch the white froth hit the beach and soak into the sand. Then the tide pulls the water back to the ocean. In and out. In and out.

  “You love the ocean more than anyone I know.”

  “Hmm?” I hear Julia, but I’m still sort of hypnotized by the relentless push and pull of the waves.

  “I just think it’s cool how you’ve lived here your whole life but you’re still in love with the ocean. I feel like most people eventually start to take it for granted.”

  I turn back to face her. “I am,” I admit. “I love it exactly the same as I did when I was little.”

  Julia gestures at the wrapped box in my hand. “Is that for me?”

  “Oh, right.” I almost forgot I was holding the chocolate. “It is, actually.”

  I hand Julia the wrapped box and then perch awkwardly on the edge of her bed. She crosses the room to her white wooden dresser. She opens the top drawer and pulls out a flat wrapped package. “Do you want your present too?”

  “Well, that’s not really a present,” I say. “I mean, I have something else for you for Christmas.”

  “Two presents?” Her eyes light up. “I’m not sure I’ve been nice enough this year for that.” She presses the flat package into my hand. “Open yours,” she says eagerly.

  “You first,” I say.

  She shakes her head. “You first.”

  “Okay.” I turn the thin package over in my hand and start to loosen the tape on one end, doing my best not to rip the paper.

  “Embry. You don’t have to save the wrapping,” Julia says. “Trust me, we have plenty.”

  “Sorry. Force of habit.” Quickly, I undo the tape to find a Shutterfly photo book. The title is Embry and Julia’s Three Rocks Adventures. There’s a picture of the ocean on the cover, our town’s famous three rocks in the background.

  “Julia,” I say. “This is so . . . thoughtful.” Shit. I wasn’t expecting a personalized gift. Just when I thought things couldn’t possibly get any harder. I start to set the book down on the comforter. “Look, I need to—”

  “You need to look at that book.” Julia sits next to me on the bed. “I bet you don’t even remember some of those pictures.”

  “Okay, okay,” I say, trying to keep my voice light but dying a little inside. My brain starts a blinking red countdown, like the timer on a bomb. Three minutes until total annihilation.

  I flip to the first page. It’s a collage of pictures from junior prom. Luke had just finished his specialized training and had flown home from Texas to go with me, and Julia was with Holden.

  Seeing all four of us together sends a rush of emotions through me. I thought we were happy that night. I thought we had what we wanted. Julia was happy with Holden. I was happy with Luke. But it was all a lie.

  She points at a picture of the four of us as we enter the dance. “I love that picture because they both look so pissed.”

  It’s true. Julia and I are giving the camera our best dazzling smiles, but both Luke and Holden look like they’d rather be fist-fighting than posing in the same picture.

  “Remember how mad they got at dinner?”

  I snicker. “Yes. I thought Mrs. O’Riley was going to kick us out of the restaurant.”

  “Have you talked to Luke lately?” Julia asks. “When is he coming home again?”

  “He said hopefully in January.”

  “Do you think you two will get back together?”

  “Probably not.” Another current of sadness moves through me. Not at the thought of losing Luke, because he deserves to be with someone who can love him completely and give him the things he needs. Just at the thought of hurting him, even temporarily, when I tell him the truth. He doesn’t deserve to get his heart broken, but he also doesn’t deserve to be lied to.

  Sometimes no matter what you do, someone is going to get hurt.

  Two minutes until total annihilation. I trace my finger around the biggest picture on the page. Julia’s mom had taken it before the boys picked us up at her house. We’re both wearing our dresses with paper crowns from Burger King that we got earlier in the day.

  It’s funny, I think a lot about the differences between Julia and me, but no one looking at this picture would see them. We almost look like sisters.

  The next page is pictures from school. I’m not even sure who took some of these. There’s one of Julia and me sitting in the hallway before first hour and another of me hugging Julia after one of our sophomore swim meets. Frannie and some of the other girls on the team are visible in the background.

  As I flip farther back in the book, Julia and I get younger. There’s a picture of us hiking with her dad at Cape Azure State Park, and then one of us at the zoo in Portland. The last few pages are the two of us at the beach: Julia and I skipping rocks and making sand angels, bending down over a jellyfish that washed ashore, perching like flamingos on a driftwood log, frolicking out in the shallow water with Betsy.

  Each picture brings back memories. I forgot how deeply enchanted we were by the beach when we were in middle school. As Julia got older, she started traveling with her parents. She saw new places and developed new interests. Slowly, the allure of the ocean faded for her. Still, these pictures tear me up inside, because this book is nothing if not a physical manifestation of real friends, and I screwed that all up for a guy. Not even for a guy—I screwed it up because I cared more about hiding parts of myself than just being honest with my friend. One minute until total annihilation.

  As I shut the book, I hop up from the bed and go to the window again. I bite back the tears that are threatening to spill out. I don’t want Julia to see me crying. “Thank you for the amazing present,” I say, struggling to hold my voice steady. “Both of my gifts are nothing compared to this.”

  “Doubtful.” Julia tears into the wrapping paper and squeals at the chocolate. “Wow, when I said bring chocolate, I wasn’t expecting this.”

  I blot at my eyes and then turn to face her, the closest thing I can manage to a smile plastered on my face. “I wanted to get you something good, especially after everything that happened today. And I looked up that company on the website to make sure the chocolates were peanut safe, that there was no danger of cross-contamination.”

  “Very thorough.” Julia slits the plastic wrap of the box of chocolates with her fingernail.

  “What do you think happened?” I ask. “You’re only allergic to peanuts, right? Do you think somehow one got into
the rice or something?”

  Julia selects a circular chocolate from the center of the box. “Peanuts and tree nuts. I don’t know. I’m pretty sure the school isn’t allowed to have any nut products to prevent accidents like today from happening. The ER doctor said maybe one of the cafeteria ladies was eating a granola bar and somehow she contaminated my tray by accident. Or my mom said there have been issues with contaminated gelatin in the past. I guess some of the factories make pistachio pudding too.”

  “So you don’t think someone tried to hurt you on purpose?” I pace back and forth across the plush carpet.

  “God, no. Why would I think that?” Julia holds out the box of chocolates to me.

  I shake my head. Pretty sure if I tried to swallow anything right now, it would crawl right back up my throat. “Because your purse was stolen, with your EpiPen in it.”

  “Oh, right. No, I hadn’t even thought about that.” She furrows her brow. “Why are you thinking about that?”

  Once more, tears well in my eyes, but I bite them back. I don’t get to be sad right now. Right now I just get to be honest . . . finally. Three . . . two . . . one . . . “Because I’m the one who stole your purse,” I blurt out.

  Nineteen

  “YOU WHAT?” Julia’s cocks her head to the side like she’s confused, like she honestly thinks she heard me wrong.

  My legs go a bit weak and I lean back against the wall of her room. I wipe my sweaty palms on my jeans and then jam my hands into my pockets. I train my eyes on my shoes. “I went to school early, sneaked into the locker room while you were swimming, and took your purse.” My words get faster. “I’m sorry. I might be able to get it back for you, but if not I’ll give you the money to get a new one. It’ll take a couple of months, but—you know what, that’s not even the worst part. I’ve also been sleeping with Holden. I’m the girl in the video.” I take in a deep breath and keep going before Julia can interrupt. “I’m the girl he hooked up with this summer. While you were away, Holden and I started hanging out. I talked to him about everything that was going on with my mom. I never thought anything would happen. But then one night things got weird between us and we hooked up. And I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”

  Everything is sort of bleeding together now. I’m not even sure if she can understand what I’m saying, but I have to get it all out this time, every bit of it, before she gives me a reason or an opportunity to hold something back. “I lied to you repeatedly when you asked me if I knew who she was. I don’t expect you to forgive me for any of this.” My shoulders slump inward as I finish. It takes intense effort just to look at Julia. I’m so afraid of what I might see.

  Her lips are pursed, but there’s no obvious anger in her expression. “Back up,” she says. “Why the hell would you steal my purse?”

  “I didn’t want to do it. I’ve been being . . . blackmailed, I guess. I got this text message that said I had to steal it or else they were going to . . . get me in trouble. I’m the reason that video of Holden and me got sent out too.” Quickly I give Julia a rundown on the messages I’ve received from Unknown.

  “But what does this guy have on you?” she asks. “I’m assuming it’s more than just hooking up with Holden.”

  I hesitate. I want to tell her everything, but there’s still that natural urge to hide parts of me, the deepest, darkest inner pieces. Can you trust her?

  “Whatever, don’t tell me if you don’t want to.” She hops up from the bed, considers her reflection in her dresser mirror. “But then why are you even telling me any of this right now?”

  “A lot of reasons,” I say. “Mostly because I can finally see that Holden was right. Not telling you about me and him was stupid and selfish. I didn’t want to tell you over the phone, and then when you came back from DC you were stressed about your SAT scores and I didn’t want to tell you then and maybe distract you from studying. And then it got to be near the holidays and I . . . I kept telling myself I was protecting you, but really, I’ve been protecting me. I knew telling the truth would mean losing you as a friend. I’ve been so terrified I was going to lose my mom. I couldn’t think about losing my best friend too.” I swallow hard. “I know how selfish that makes me.”

  “So now you’re okay with losing your best friend?” Julia’s voice is level, but tears are pooling in her eyes. “What, just because your mom is doing better?”

  “No,” I rasp. “I’m not okay with it. But look at what happened. Keeping secrets almost got you killed. I’d rather that you hate me than we stay friends and you end up getting hurt.”

  “Do you love him?” Julia asks.

  I pause, caught off guard by Julia’s abrupt change of subject. Just the thought of loving Holden makes my heart accelerate, and not in a good way—in a “Charging . . . CLEAR!” kind of way. “I don’t know, but either way that’s no excuse.”

  “Why didn’t you just tell me you had a thing for him when I told you I was going to ask him to prom?”

  It’s a good question, and not an easy one for me to answer. “I guess because it didn’t feel right for me to be with Luke and have feelings for some other guy. Like how could I tell you not to date him when I had a boyfriend and you didn’t?”

  “You could’ve told me how you felt and then let me make my own decision,” Julia says quietly. “I never would have asked him out if I knew you had a crush on him.”

  She’s right. I should have told her. But I didn’t want her to think I was greedy or slutty or a bad friend. And yet, here we are—me confessing that I’ve been a bad friend for the past several months.

  It’s Julia’s turn to pace. “The truth is, I knew Holden was hooking up with someone else,” she says, her voice level. “I just didn’t know who. Until I saw the video. I’ve sat behind you in so many classes. I’ve braided your freaking hair, Embry. Did you really think I wouldn’t recognize you?”

  “Then why didn’t you say something?” I clench my jaw.

  “I guess I’ve been waiting to see how long it would take you to tell me the truth, trying to decide if there’s anything about our friendship worth saving. That’s what hurts—how long it took you to come clean. My relationship with Holden was never serious. But you thought you were betraying me and you kept it up for months.”

  “I’m sorry,” I whisper.

  “And now you’re telling me you’re in some kind of trouble, being threatened by some stranger, but rather than confide in me, you break into my locker, steal my things, and end up almost getting me killed. I could have helped you! I would have given you the purse.”

  I drop my chin. “You’re right. I should have come to you and told you everything. I just, I don’t know. How was I supposed to ask you for your money and makeup and driver’s license and stuff?”

  “Those are just things. They’re replaceable.” Julia’s voice cracks.

  “You’re right,” I say again. “But asking you for that stuff would have meant telling you the truth. And I’m ashamed of the truth. Every time I say it, I have to face the reality of it all over again.”

  “Then why did you do it?”

  “I don’t know.” I throw up my hands in frustration. “I guess because I do stupid things.”

  “And you kept all this a secret from me because you thought I would judge you,” Julia says, her voice flat.

  “More stupid things,” I say miserably. “Holden says I push people away once I realize they’re going to leave me. I did it with Luke when he joined the army, and with you when you went away last summer.”

  “Just because someone is in a different place doesn’t mean they’re gone from your life.”

  “I know,” I say hoarsely.

  “I mean, Jesus.” Julia’s voice takes on a sharp edge. “Give people a little more credit. I understand why you kept being with Holden a secret, even though it was the wrong thing to do. But you didn’t even confide in me about your mom. I would have been there for you this summer—phone calls, Skype, midnight texts, whatever.”

>   I slide down the wall and end up sitting on her floor, my knees pulled in, my arms wrapped around them. I am both grateful for and shamed by her words, by the fact she’s being honest, by the fact she hasn’t thrown me out of her house. I want to explain the way I am to her, but it’s hard, because I don’t even really understand it myself. “It wasn’t really a conscious choice. Just every time I tried to say something my throat closed up. Like ‘Hey, how’s DC? By the way, my mom has cancer and I’m scared she’s going to die and leave me all alone.’”

  “But you could talk to Holden?”

  I sigh. “Yeah. I don’t exactly understand why he’s different, but he is.”

  Julia flops down onto her bed again. “I get it. I’ve also confided in him about stuff. I think it’s partly because he sees things and calls people on them, and it’s easier to acknowledge something is true after someone else puts it out there. Maybe I should have made more of an effort to reach out to you. My mom told me about your mom’s diagnosis. You just never brought it up, so I figured you didn’t want to talk about it.”

  “I don’t know if I did or not. It’s been hard for me to be . . . openly scared about my mom’s condition because she’s been so strong throughout most of it. If she can keep her shit together, then I feel like I should too.” I shrug helplessly. “But none of this is your fault. I have been a really shitty friend, so shitty I almost got you killed, and all of that is on me.”

  “You also saved me,” Julia reminds me. “Don’t forget that part.”

  Just like I saved Sam, I think. Right after putting his life in danger.

  “But back to Holden. He was never my boyfriend, not really. I asked him to the dance because he’s cute and smart and I didn’t want to go by myself. I only started dating him because it irritated my parents.” She laughs under her breath. “But it also kept them off my back.”

  “Off your back about what?”

  Julia lifts her chin. “About whether I’m gay.”

  “Wait. What?”

  “Holden figured it out somehow and called me on it, but I didn’t know for sure until Ness.” Her face brightens momentarily, like a flower blooming in a storm. “I just knew I didn’t feel the way about boys that you and my other friends seem to feel.”